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Chapter four: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Dumbledore is in a mood with me

And I honestly could not give a rat's arse. I did what I said I would do and went down to Hogsmeade, drank until I was mellowed, had a fight with a troll (which I won) then somehow made it back to the castle in one piece. I am not teaching today, I am not marking any work today and I am definitely not going anywhere near McGonagall. It is mid-morning at the minute and I am lying in bed, cup of coffee in one hand, newspaper in the other and here I shall remain until I can be bothered getting up.

Damn and Blast with a hefty dose of Buggeration

The troll has lodged a complaint, as has Madam Rosmerta for 'destroying furniture.' I have been summoned to Dumbledore's immediately. I think I'll give it twenty minutes.

Perhaps waiting wasn't the best thing to do

Dumbledore has told me to pay Madam Rosmerta for the damage and I have to buy the troll a new club because it broke its old one last night by falling on top of it. I maintained an icy and dignified silence throughout Dumbledore's complaining and disappointed looks and blah, blah, blah.

"I am VERY disappointed with you Severus. I would of expected BETTER of you. Getting drunk and having a FIGHT with a TROLL." This is the point where he shakes his head despairingly and looks at me, hoping that I will break down in tears and beg forgiveness for being so stupid. I didn't.

"I shall SUSPEND you for TWO days, during which you will FIND a new club for the TROLL." Two days off? Two days not having to teach horrible kids? Two days not having to look at McGonagall sitting next to me while trying to eat my breakfast? Two days with no responsibility? I should do this more often.

"Of course Headmaster." And that was the end of that. I am now going to Diagon Alley to do some shopping, find the stupid troll a stupid club, buy some potion ingredients and visit some old friends.

I hate floo-powder

Absolutely despise it. You would have thought that I would be used to it by now but it is such a weird sensation. Anyway, I'm now in Diagon Alley and wondering where the hell to even START looking for a club, it's not like they have 'The Troll Shop' or anything. 'Stupid Beings Accessories,' I think there is an opening in the market for a shop called that. I think I may drop into the Leaky Cauldron for a drink, it's not like I've got any teaching to get back to do.

I am exhausted

I have been absolutely everywhere. And I have hundred of bags of absolute rubbish. Potions, ingredients, scrolls, books, robes, some gorgeous smelling coffee granules that apparently will help 'relax and tone your mind'. How it can tone your mind I don't know, but I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I've ordered this beautiful silver cauldron and a glass one, which is kind of pointless but fun to look at. I ordered a club and it will be delivered to Dumbledore so he can forward it, I need to go to Hogsmeade and visit Rosmerta before the end of the day. I'm back in the Leaky Cauldron, having a quick drink with a vampire and a goblin. Suppose I had better head back to the castle.

Dumbledore has not stopped complaining

He says that this is a suspension and not a holiday. He says that the students should not see me rolling through the front door laden with hundreds of shopping bags, stinking of smoke and booze. He says that I should not be ordering expensive items to be dropped off at the castle. He says I have to stay in the castle tomorrow. He says I have an alcohol problem.

I said that if I were on holiday I would go somewhere a bit sunnier. I said that the students probably couldn't care if I was out shopping or not. I said that I do not stink of smoke and booze. I said they are my expensive things and this is where I live. I said I probably do have an alcohol problem and if I do it is entirely his fault and it is also my prerogative to have one if I want.

I have been suspended for a week.

I have to have meetings with Dumbledore everyday during that suspension.

I am not allowed to leave the castle.

I am a fully-grown wizard, teacher and mentor. Not to mention experienced lover. I feel like a scolded school child and I am therefore going to throw a strop and bang every door I can find.

Minerva came to 'calm me down'

I told the old witch to bugger off and terrorise some small children. Don't think she appreciated it but I don't care in the slightest. And Dumbledore can shove his 'daily meetings' where the sun doesn't twinkle. Crabby old git. I hate you all, but especially you Dumbledore. Especially you.

Looking for a new job

The Daily Prophet has a job section and I have decided to leave this festering bog-pit of a school in favour of something more glamorous and profitable.

Holiday Rep- Must be lively, get on well with other people and not be afraid to make a fool of themselves. You will have the opportunity to see the world and work with wizards and witches from all over.

Don't think that's really me somehow. I'm brilliant with the lively bit, its just the getting 'on well with other people' requirement that's putting me off. Wonder if that's really important?

Whoops.

Oh dear. Seems I missed my appointment with Dumbledore. He came and found me; I think he suspected I might not turn up. He asked why I hadn't come and I had said that I was awfully busy trying to decide the best way to poison the Giant Squid and frame McGonagall for it without it being in any way connected to me. Don't think he bought it somehow. He's rearranged for four o'clock this afternoon instead. Wonder if Peeves will push him down the stairs for me?

Interesting

Hmm, Durmstrang is looking for a new Divination teacher. I could definitely do that. Sit there, roll my eyes, foam at the mouth a bit and go "You, you and you are all going to die within the next week. Same time next week class." It is perfect. I'm going to apply.

It didn't work

I'm stood outside Dumbledore's office and I have just been told by Peeves that Dumbledore caught him trying to kill him and 'forced' it out of him that I had told him to do it. I am so dead.

"Ahh, Severus. I almost had a NASTY accident and had to POSTPONE our meeting." You stupid smug bastard.

"We NEED to decide on an appropriate course of ACTION Severus, for this CANNOT continue."

"Then let me work again." Pure and simple Dumblebumble.

"I am AFRAID the Ministry will not ALLOW me to employ you while you continue to REFUSE to seek help."

"The Ministry?" I had no idea this had anything to do with the Ministry. "You owled the Ministry?"

"Ahh, some parents have been expressing CONCERNS about your BEHAVIOUR towards their children." They have been complaining about my teaching methods? That means that the kids must have been complaining to their parents about me. When I found out who it is I'll…

"I don't THINK that the children are to BLAME Severus." I don't care what you think. And I hate it when he seems to be able to tell what you are thinking.

"I am in the motions of looking for a new position at a different school." Ha! You didn't know that was coming did you Dumbledore!

"I'm not AWARE of any positions for potions teacher becoming AVAILABLE Severus." Then he raised his eyebrows at me and wiggled them. Like this was just a huge joke and I was not an alcoholic on the verge of killing everyone around me and he was not the most annoying person ever that has pushed me to my current intoxicated state.

"I am in the process of applying."

"I did not KNOW Divination was one of your STRONG points Severus." You utter, utter, repulsive, nauseating cretin of a human being.

I just left after he said that. And I've killed the Giant Squid out of pure hatred and spelt out 'Dumbledore is a tit' on the front lawn with its entrails.

Okay,

So maybe I haven't. But I would have done if the Squid didn't have so many tentacles and I so little time.