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Chapter five: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Got a reply from Durmstrang

Apparently I 'don't have the qualifications' for a Divination teacher. What qualifications do you need? A degree in barminess? Utterly stupid. I bet this is Dumbledore's doing.

Potter is going to get banned from Quidditch…

… And it's all thanks to me! I suggested that with Black hanging around the castle, perhaps Potter flying around on his broomstick is not the best thing for him to be doing. Dumbledore agreed with me, seems his little tantrum about my drinking has passed and he has finally realised that he can do bugger all to stop me. Expect maybe feeding Potter to the Whomping Willow, and I don't think he's too keen on that idea.

Change of plan

Potter isn't going to banned. He is going to be supervised. Because Madam Hooch can do so much to protect him if Black decides to kill him in the middle of a Quidditch match. Hang on. Potter dead, Black given the Dementors kiss and locked up, Hogwarts finally free of all Potter gang-members. Why did I disagree with this?

I remember why.

Because I hate Potter and my soul object in life is to make his life as miserable as possible and therefore improve my own dramatically.

Covering for Lupin

Werewolf-boy is ill, again, and Dumbledore has decided that I am the only one able to take a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. Well, if he thinks so highly of me why doesn't he just give me the job?! Because he is bitter and twisted. Bitter and twisted.

And to top it all I had to take Gryffindor. Potter was late, the stupid empty-headed plank that he is, and then had the audacity to look outraged when I deducted points from his house for it! But I did get a chance to do a small bit of back-stabbing while I was there, how disorganised Lupin was, how he is always ill, how he only covers very easy topics with his class, how he's a werewolf employed by Dumbledore regardless of the danger posed to his students and, finally, how utterly annoying he is. I think most people agreed with me. I got Potter's class to do an essay on werewolves, hopefully at least one of them will be able to work out what I'm getting at. As long as it isn't Granger, I hate that child. Gave Weasley a detention for sticking up for Granger, and I now have to think up something suitably horrible and unjustified to put him through.

Help Hagrid feed the Squid? No, he'd probably enjoy that too much

Send him into the Forest to collect an herb that doesn't exist? Sounds promising, though McGonagall would blow a blood vessel if she heard about it.

I've got it, cleaning out the hospital bedpans without magic. That'll teach the out-spoken little turd to talk to me like that.

It's a storm!

I love storms. So beautiful, so majestic, so powerful. They remind me of me.

Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff

I would go outside and sit in the rain, but I'm a moody, unreasonable old fart so I'm not.

Hmmm, apparently Gryffindor are getting 'trashed' as the student put it, so I'm going to go and laugh at Potter being blown around by the wind and hope he falls off.

They LOST

And it's ALL Potter's fault. Pathetic little miscreant that he is. One second, flying around thinking he's god's gift to the world, next SPLAT. Face down in the ground. I still haven't heard if he's still alive or not. I asked Dumbledore whether he reckoned he was alive after falling all that way and Dumbledore told me shut up. I have never heard Dumbledore be so rude. I am appalled by his recent behaviour towards me, I really am.

Anyway, all these Dementors flew onto the grounds, killed Potter (hopefully), and then flew off again. I always knew Dementors had a use. Luckily Dementors don't affect me, as I am immune to all negative feelings. And no, anger, hate, revulsion and disgust are not negative feelings; they are what get me through the day.

Damn it

Potter's not dead, Dumbledore isn't talking to me, Lupin is well again, McGonagall is ignoring me and Filch won't leave me alone. There are only a few things that are less wanted than Filch: A rabid three-legged dog, a vampire wanting a 'drink' with you and pubic lice. Actually, scratch the last one. No pun intended.

Dumbledore is stressing

About the Dementors coming into the grounds, I've never seen him so angry. It's actually quite scary, and I don't really want to get in his way after how he spoke to me at the Quidditch Match. I could tell him it was only a joke, but I never tell a lie. There is however some good news to report- Potter's broom went into the Whomping Willow and got smashed to little pieces. I love that tree; I've never really appreciated its full potential until this moment. Wonder if I can entice McGonagall down there and let the Whomping Willow have it out with her?

Double Damn it

Tried the whole 'entice McGonagall into the grounds to get squashed by the Whomping Willow' thing and she immediately realised what I was trying to do and ran off to Dumbledore. I am in so much trouble. I hate McGonagall and her stupid Dumbledore-obsessed life.

I'm leaving

Well, I would leave if I had anywhere else to go. Dumbledore suddenly appeared while I was terrorising some first years on the corridors and just stood there and looked at me without saying anything. It was extremely disconcerting. I felt like a monkey in a zoo, being stared at by some random old guy. I began to wonder if he had fallen asleep with his eyes open, then he scratched his nose and I jumped out of my skin.

"Severus, I think WE need a CHAT." Do we have to? I appreciate you're just looking out for McGonagall, because she isn't old enough to fight her own battles obviously.

"Of course Headmaster." I'm not going to bother arguing, he is the person who pays my wages after all. Kind of. Actually, no he doesn't. The Ministry pays my wages doesn't it?

"Minerva has lodged a COMPLAINT. She is asking for your IMMEDIATE dismissal." Hmm. You wouldn't dare Dumbledore. You know I know too much. About everything. He could always have me killed I suppose. I'm not going to reply, just lift an eyebrow in a slightly bored manner and hope he gets on with it.

"BUT I have decided NOT to dismiss you. However, you MUST try to interact better with your COLLEAGUES." Woohoo. I get to stay at Hogwarts. Oh the joy.

"Interact better? INTERACT? No! I refuse! I will maintain my smug superiority over everyone within the castle and McGonagall can shove it up her over-sized nostrils. Everything is always my fault, last year Lockhart being such a pompous idiot was my fault, year before Quirrel was my entire responsibility and therefore fault when he went haywire. Tell me, if Lupin decides to start gnawing on the teacher's table one dinnertime will that be my fault as well? Even though YOU employed him?"

Of course I didn't actually say that. It was more along the lines of…

"Of course Headmaster."

… while wanting to gouge his eyes out with my wand.