Standard disclaimers apply
ICU, Today.
"Well Joan, it seem that your friends and family didn't abandon you after all." The elderly man commented, after he and Joan visited her body. "What happens now is up to you. Just remember, before you can forgive others you have to forgive yourself."
"Hello, sorry to interrupt." Cute boy God said. "Your wife is by the door."
"Sorry to see such a nice young lady like you here and I wish you well." He turned towards the doorway, "Thanks for watching over her." He nodded towards Joan "Both of them."
As he walked towards his wife, who appeared to be in her mid-twenties, the man's appearance slowly changed to match is bride. Joan couldn't see their faces, as they were backlit and their voices were muffled.
"Making time with another young woman?"
"Just helping a wayward soul"
"I missed you. The last month's been rough."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
The pair turned towards the open door and walked through, into blinding white forever, together.
"I hope I meet a man like that." Joan wiped a tear from her eye. "I hope I live long enough to do something."
"Have faith. Are you ready?" He held out his hand.
"Does it really matter?" Joan chuckled, "I just wish I could tell them that none of this is their fault. This was my choice, my decision, my mistake."
"There is a small loophole in the 'Suicide-Hell' rule. You can ask to challenge the most powerful demon in Hell, and if you win you get out. Few have ever asked; fewer still have won."
"I have nothing left to loose. Bring on the demon."
"Joan, I must warn you. This demon knows everything you have ever done wrong in your life. It used this knowledge to make you kill yourself. Neither Lucifer nor I can interfere, just as in life."
Joan's eye's nearly popped from her head when the demon walked into the room. Clad in black leather with gleaming steel spikes on all the major joints and knuckles, it towered over Joan at nearly ten feet tall.
"This made me try to kill myself?" Joan pointed to the demon.
Lucifer cackled. "When you loose, your soul becomes mine. I can almost taste that ripe virgin soul, so pure, so ready. Joan, I just want you to know that I rarely come and claim a soul myself. However, as his most favored, I passed on front row seats to a Tsunami in the South Pacific." He locked his burning red eyes on Joan's hazel eyes. "Kill her; bring me her soul."
"This is not good." The demon swung at Joan, barely missing her. "Really not good!"
Joan countered with every move she could think of. Old Jackie Chan films, her women's self defense class; nothing seemed to faze the demon. The demon backhanded Joan across the room.
"Have faith in yourself Joan" God encouraged.
"I believe." Joan whispered to herself. As the demon charged her, Joan launched a powerful kick to the demon's ribs; as her foot connected, Joan's side flared in agony. 'It never touched me.' That brief moment was all the demon needed to drive its foot into Joan's chest, cracking several ribs and knocking her across the room. As Joan lay in a crumpled heap, she heard the old man's words in her head.
'Forgive yourself.' Joan finally understood. She stopped ducking the demon and stood up straight, facing it. "You made me kill myself, right?" The demon nodded. "Then, I can't beat you in a fight. So, I forgive you…" She stepping up to the demon, she grabbed hold of the long cape and pulled, "Joan."
As the hood came off, the demon form shrank, revealing a mirror image of Joan, only darker, uglier. Demon-Joan had dark circles around her soulless black eyes, shaking hands from caffeine withdrawal and her hair was dirty and unwashed. The stench of sweat and coffee grounds drifted through the air. Demon-Joan had pimples across her face and a cold sore on her lip.
"You're the dark side of me. You're a demon of my own making."
"She figured out the riddle." Lucifer was amazed.
"I understand that now, everything is my choice. You only exist because I chose to give you control. Whatever I did to you, I did to myself. There is only one way to end this." As Joan hugged her demon-self it slowly merged into her. Turning towards the two deities she answered, "The only way to defeat that darkness is to embrace it."
"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Lucifer shouted, "No human could beat that sort of demon." He vanished in a cloud of brimstone.
Smiling God looked at where he had stood, "She's not any human; she's Joan."
"I don't feel so good." She almost fell to the floor. Her injuries from the battle were gone, but she was exhausted. Joan was barely able to get on her hands and knees. She was having trouble breathing; until now she hadn't even noticed that she was breathing. "Really weak and tired." Joan started to shiver, "And cold, am I dying?"
"No Joan, you're living." He helped her to her feet. "Now, comes the hardest part for you. Religion is a construct of man. You need to have faith. Your faith will be tested my many, especially those that claim to be doing my work. Ignore them and live you life. Ten days have passed on Earth. Adam has gone back to church, his first time since his mother died. He blames me for this; blames himself. Help him understand. Grace has had a long talk with her parents and is attempting to work things out with them. This is all because of you Joan. Even in near-death, you still affect change."
"And my family?"
"They all blame themselves. Love them Joan, as I love you and everyone else."
"Can I hug you?"
"You're the first person to ask." God opened his arms. For the first time in many weeks Joan felt peace; she felt loved; She felt hope.
"Thank you." She let herself be held; she didn't want to loose this feeling. "Will my friends and family ever trust me again? Will they still love me?" Joan was scared.
"More than ever. Just remember, ask for help. Besides free will, I gave humans compassion." "Thanks, for both." Joan didn't notice that they had come back to her room. She became aware of a strange rhythmic sound. It grew louder; soon Joan couldn't hear anything else.
"Your own heartbeat, Joan." God answered the unasked question, lowering the volume. "It's time for you to finish what you started. Take my hand."
"Just a minute please." Joan was so tired. "I can barely stand. Just let me rest for a minute." Her neck was Jell-O and her limbs were filled with lead. The rhythm of her heartbeat was lulling her to sleep. "I have to be dying."
"That's your soul wanting to live."
She looked with barely open eyes. "How do I get back into my body?"
"Close your eyes."
God put his palm on Joan's forehead and pushed her backwards.
Joan felt the cold blackness wrap around her.
"Will, remember when we used to do this in the sink?" Helen was washing Joan's face from a pan. "Hi Luke, just giving Joan a bath." They noticed the heart monitor began beeping faster. Luke edged toward the door.
Joan tried to take in a deep breath but the tube in her throat was preventing it. She tried opening her eyes but could only see darkness. She tried to raise her hand, but her arms were tied down to something and there was a strap across her chest. Joan's hand twisted and grabbed Helen's wrist. She began struggling to free herself. 'I survive the greatest demon in Hell but suffocate in a hospital.' She thought. 'Oh God, I'm going puke.' She began retching.
The horrid sounds coming from Joan spurred Luke into action; ducking into the hall, "Hey doctor! WE GOT PROBLEMS!" Joan began going into seizures.
"Code blue ICU 7 STAT!"
One of the nurses chased everyone out while another pulled the curtain separating Joan's room from the viewing area. The family turned and walked dejectedly to the chairs that they had laid claim to 10 days earlier.
"Two years." Luke whispered.
"What?" Helen asked, "Two years till what?"
"I have two years left to live. I wrote a computer program and factoring in their respective ages and severity of illness and some other things." Luke dropped his head into his hands. "I will die in that room on November 11th 2009. I don't wanna die."
"That's not gonna happen." Helen tried to calm him down. She had to admit two out of three children in the ICU was more than a coincidence. "Why do you think you'll die?"
"Kevin and Joan each got progressively worse, using that as a model, I'll die." Luke couldn't handle it. "I won't even make it to my 18th birthday."
Helen wrapped her arms around him, not sure what to say. This had been stressful on everyone, and Luke was too smart for himself.
The doctor came out of Joan's room and over to them. "We managed to stabilize her, she's awake, but not really alert. You can go in and see her, but only for a few minutes. She's been through more than she could possibly tell us. We had to give her something to calm her; so don't get too worried if she can't remember you or she just doesn't seem to be 'Joan'. The social services staff will get with you before her release, but I can tell you from experience; she's gonna say she's sorry a thousand times. Just remember, 'It's about her getting better.' Her voice will be a little raw from the tubes; try to keep her talking to a minimum."
"Thank you doctor." Helen pushed past him. "Joan? Sweety. It's mom." Helen said in her motherly voice.
Joan slowly turned her head towards the sound, but her barely open eyes wouldn't focus. Joan could make out forms but no real features. She had a glazed look and her jaw hung slightly open. "Ma-ma?" Her voice was barely audible; reminding them of a small child. The staff had taken out most of the IV's; just leaving in the small one in her hand. They had left the restraints in place.
"Yes, it's mama." She was never so happy to hear those syllables.
Joan tried to lift her hand, but it was still strapped to the bed. "Wat…."
"You want some water?" Will grabbed the small plastic cup and bent the straw for her.
Nodding slowly, Joan sucked down a little bit of the cool water. "Tha-ank…" Joan seemed to be searching her mind for the right words. "Dad-dy."
"You're welcome, sweat-heart."
"Many…" Joan closed her eyes, "Years." And fell asleep.
"Luke, is it true? Is Joan awake?" Adam asked, as school was letting out.
"Yeah, last night. Get in." Luke held the car door for him.
"Wait for me!" Grace shouted as she ran out of the building.
Joan was alert when the group walked in. The staff had removed the restraints following the psychiatric consultation that morning. Joan had moved a chair near the window; as she was looking at the world with new eyes; She wiped a tear from them. She had been watching a flock of birds moving through the sky as one. Joan had never really just watched and admired the beauty of bird flocks. She had been sleeping off and on most of the day, and crying during her waking hours. The doctors had checked her over and were amazed at how much of her cognitive skills she had recovered. Her verbal and memory were almost back to normal. The psychologist had scheduled daily sessions while Joan was in the hospital.
"Joan?" Her mom said as the family entered her room. They all looked like they had been though Hell.
She pulled the hospital robe tighter, like she was trying to hide inside it. "Hi, I, um…" She broke down, running to her dad's arms, she cried, "I'm sooooooo sorry." Between sobs they heard 'I'm not good enough.' And 'I'm sorry.'
"We love you." Will hugged his little girl. "You were always good enough for us."
Adam tapped Grace on the shoulder and motioned for her to follow him out. "Let's let them talk first."
"Alright, will you go get some sodas." She handed him a few dollars.
"I'm sorry mom. I…"Joan broke down. Helen just held her little girl, letting her cry it out.
"It's alright Joan. We'll get through this."
"Reporting for duty sheriff." Joan looked at her dad through her tear filled eyes. He couldn't say anything.
"You ever do that again and I will kill you." Kevin tried to push his way in.
"I'm sorry I threw your model of Fort Boyard away." Luke said, hugging his sister.
"I'm sorry for trying to kill myself…" Joan couldn't finish her sentence. After several minutes of group apologizing and crying, Joan looked around, "Where's Adam?" She started to get a panicked look.
"He was right behind us." Will said. "I'll go see where he is."
"I want to see him, please."
"Hi Joan," He handed the bottles to everyone. That sounded strange coming from his mouth, she was always 'Jane'. "How you doing?" He looked terrible. Circles under his eyes, a week's worth of stubble on his face. He looked like he had aged 10 years in the past 10 days.
"Better. I'm sorry I …" She broke down again
"It's alright. Jane." Hearing that she knew it was okay.
"I…"Joan 's eyes rolled a bit. "Sorry got light headed. Need some food." They helped her back into bed and she laid back onto the stack of pillows. The PCA brought in a meal tray.
"Okay the patient needs her rest, everyone out." The nurse began herding everyone out.
"Adam, stay please. Just a few minutes?" She asked.
"A few minutes." The nurse agreed.
After the family was out, Joan motioned for Adam to come over to her bed. "You look like Hell."
"Joan, watching the woman you love try to kill herself and then realizing that you love her and not knowing if you'll ever get to tell her…"
"I'm sorry, I should have talked to you. Forgive me?" She wasn't sure if she deserved it.
"I love you Joan Girardi." The two held each other for several long minutes. "Joan?" She had fallen asleep.
"Well, Joan ready to get out of here?" The male nurse asked, pushing a wheelchair into her room.
"Yes! I love you guys, but the food sucks."
"Enjoy the rest of your life Joan."
"I plan on enjoying every day. Each one is a gift." Joan looked out her window at the midmorning snow. "I wish I hadn't had to die to figure it out. Can I walk out of here?"
"Sorry, hospital regulations. Until you get to the door, you're still our responsibility."
"Alright, but I wanna a wheelie." Joan laughed.
Kevin rolled up with the rest of the family following. "Wanna race?"
"Sure, can we stop and get something to eat?"
"Yeah, I think we can do that." Will agreed. "We talked to the school and you can make up your class work at home and come back spring quarter."
"Great! I was worried I'd have to repeat senior year. Luke, what's the rumor mill saying about me?" Joan really didn't care.
"That you tried to kill yourself for Chad Lucas, star of the football team. That's the most popular one, but my favorite is that you did it for Grace."
"She's not my type. I prefer a 'Y' chromosome."
Grace made a pouting face. "So all that stuff you said about being me 'your very special friend' was just what? Pillow talk?" They had a laugh.
"Let's get outta here."
The doctor met them in the hall by the information desk. "Joan, here's that information on the counselors and the Yoga classes we discussed. I mean this in the nicest way when I say 'Don't come back.' You've got too much to live for."
"I know that now. I wish I had known this a month ago. I'm sorry I got so wrapped up in my problems. Thanks doctor." She hugged him.
"Just ask for help when you need it."
"Joan?" Luke looked at his older sister.
"Yeah?"
"What did you mean, 'Many years' when you woke up?"
"It's like some dream or something. I can't describe it, but there was someone saying, 'That they were going to die' or 'I was dying.'"
"That was me." Luke turned his head. "I ran this program that I wrote and based on you and Kevin, I'll die on November 11th 2009."
"Only if you make the same choices we did. Suicide, drunk driving. Otherwise you should live a long life."
Joan turned towards the double doors, everything seemed to slow down. The doors parted; Joan took her first breath of cold air. The wind had a chill to it, like a major snow would soon be on the way. Joan reached out from under the awning; she then stepped out into the flurry. She looked up into the sky.
"Look out world, Joan is back and better than ever." She whispered to herself. "Time to start living."
"Joan, you'll catch a cold." Her mom called to her.
"Alright." She came back to the others. "I just wanted to catch a snowflake on my tongue. God, it felt good!"
"Glad to hear it. Where did you want to eat?" Will asked, as the valet pulled the car around.
"How about Red Robin. I want some onion rings."
As the group ate the onion ring stacks, Joan was having a 'normal' conversation, "I can't wait to get back to my life."
The local Bishop walked by and made a grand sweeping motion "Mr. and Mrs. Girardi, may I express the churches condolences on the passing of your daughter."
Luke pointed, "Joan's right here alive and well."
The Bishop continued, as if Luke hadn't said anything. "In your time of need the church can offer hope and guidance. Any living Girardi is welcome, but any Hell-bound heathen should not set foot inside the house of God."
Joan looked at him, "Don't the damned need saved more than anyone else."
"It's too late to save you." He walked away without ever looking at Joan.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to find something else to do with my Sunday mornings." Joan went silent for a moment. "Sorry, I had this weird feeling that I knew that was going to happen. Like I'd been through this before."
"Did you happen to get tonight's lotto numbers?" Kevin asked.
"No. I'm just sorry that you guys had to see me like that and that I felt like I couldn't trust… trust you and that you didn't love me." She wiped her eyes.
"Why would you think we didn't love you?" Helen asked.
"I don't know? It just seemed like no matter what I did, it was wrong and everyone else was right."
"Oh, speaking of right, Mr. Peterson called. He said to tell you that you were right. He used the wrong key on your Physics test. You actually got a 91." Luke told her. "You did better than me, by one point."
"Okay, enough sad stuff, let's eat!" The waiter had brought their food.
When they go home, Joan carried her bag upstairs, dropped in inside her room and pulled her shirt off to change. She reached for her door…
"Where's my door?" She yelled downstairs.
"Sorry, I broke the frame trying to get in and we haven't gotten around to hanging the new one yet. It's in the garage." Will yelled up.
"I need my privacy."
"I'm not ready for you to have a door yet."
"Dad, I'm a girl. I need to do girl stuff." Joan had forgotten she didn't have a shirt on. "Plus, I have two brothers."
"Joan, you're in your bra." Will pointed out.
Ducking back into her room, "I need a door please. You can put on a non-locking knob if that'll make you feel better."
"Deal. We're going to the hardware store now." Will and the boys headed out to the car; Helen walked upstairs to Joan's room.
"Hi mom. What's up?" Joan noticed she was carrying a paper grocery bag. Joan had put on a pair of pink sweatshorts and a tee shirt she had borrowed from Adam.
"I wanted to talk to you alone, just us girls." Joan remembered their girl talk: boys and sex.
"Okay." Joan was sorting through her bag.
Helen sat on the bed and looked at Joan. "I'm really scared Joan." She broke down. "I can't understand why you thought that dying was your only option and I'm afraid that you'll do it again. I want you to know that you can always talk to me."
"Mom, I'm sorry. I just want to be the daughter that you deserve." Joan lowered her head. "I mean, I'm not smart like Luke, or good at sport like Kevin. I'm a social outcast and you already had to put in the loony bin once. I'm sorry I tried to kill myself," She started to cry, "I'm sorry for messing up so bad, I'm sorry for being a fuck up." Joan paused for a moment, "I'm sorry I was every born."
Before Joan could blink, Helen's right palm connected with her cheek. Joan's look was one of shock and fear. Helen covered her mouth and started to tear up.
"Joan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"No, you did the right thing. I needed that." Joan ran her hands over the top of her stubbley head. "My head's just this big jumbled mess." Joan looked confused and unsure, "And I don't know what's real half the time."
Helen just wrapped Joan in a hug. "Our love for you is real. Adam and Grace's concern for you is real. This life is real."
"But it's like I know that I'm alive, but my head can't accept that. It's like I'm watching a movie but not doing anything. Does that make any sense?"
"No, but we'll figure it out." Helen wiped a tear from Joan's cheek.
Joan grabbed a box of Kleenex. "I know that I lost everyone's trust; the door is just dad's way of dealing with it. I know that I have to earn your trust back, that won't happen overnight, but please, all I want is that chance to be Joan again. Maybe not like before, but just Joan. I'll do whatever it takes, but just give me the chance." Helen couldn't believe that her little girl said something so mature.
"Alright, you got your chance." She smiled for the first time in a long time. "Can I ask you something? Why did you take your father's Viagra?"
"I just grabbed a bunch of prescription bottles and downed them. That explains something though."
"What?"
"My last thoughts before blacking out were, 'I really don't want to die' and 'Boy, are my nipples perky.'" Joan laughed.
"Not gonna touch that." Helen laughed. "Come on, let's get you settled in."
"What's in the bag mom?"
"The one thing that any woman needs to feel better." Helen handed her a spoon and pulled out two pints of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
"NO!" Joan screamed out. It was the second time that night. She was running her hands over her arms, like she was looking for something.
"What's wrong?" Will and Helen both ran into her room. "Another nightmare?"
All Joan could do was nod. Luke brought her a glass of water. He looked at his mother, "Should I bring them?"
"Ask Joan?"
"Bring what?"
"The doctor said the nightmares are common in survivors and he gave us a prescription for some sleeping pills for you. Just in-case."
"NO! NO PILLS. I don't want any pills. I just spent three weeks getting out of the hospital after a 10-day coma for pills." Joan was trying to wipe the sweat from her face; her sheets and sleep-shirt were soaked through. Her breathing was ragged; she was not in good shape.
"Joan, it's your decision, but these are nowhere near as strong as the ones grandma left, and it's just to help you get through the stress."
"I know. The psychologist told me I'd have nightmares for awhile. I'll make you a deal; if I have another nightmare, I'll take one sleeping pill." Her parents agreed. Joan got up to change. "I'll tell you about them in the morning."
"Good morning. Luke ready for that 'pop quiz' in History?" Grace walked into the kitchen. "She lives. Got you a Rock Star." She slid the 16-ounce can across to Joan; who pushed it back.
"Thanks, but I'm trying a new caffeine-free lifestyle. Only herbal tea. I wish I could go with you guys, but the school won't let me back in until the psychologist signs off. I start yoga today too. I think that'll help a lot with my stress."
"What were you screaming about last night?" Luke asked, not really expecting an answer.
"I had a couple of nightmares. In the one I was walking out the hospital door and the bed attacked me. I swear, I could feel those IV needles stick me and the tube go down my throat." Joan inhaled deeply, keeping her poise. "That was the worst part, that tube. When I woke up and couldn't breathe…"
"I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything else." Luke felt awful.
"No, I need to talk about this; it helps me work through the problems. The other one, I was, I don't know how to describe it, like floating above all the chaos and just watched everything unfold. But instead of my waking up, I died, choking on my own vomit. Everything felt real. I could taste the bile and charcoal in my mouth last night. I…" She couldn't continue.
"Jane?"
"Oh God, Adam. Sorry." She quickly wiped her eyes. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough. Nightmares are only as real as we let them."
"Adam, thank you. For just being you." Joan hugged him carefully, avoiding his bandaged arm. "I love you."
"I love you too, Joan."
"That still sounds weird." Grace noted.
"What?" Luke asked no one in particular.
"Joan." They answered.
"Hi everyone." Adam walked in and headed for Joan's room. "Working on history."
"Dinner will be done in about half an hour." Helen responded. Adam had started coming around every day. Will had noted that things were almost back to normal. Just before dinner was ready, Adam came running down the stairs; Joan threw his books down after him.
"Get the hell outta here!" She slammed her door.
"What happened?" Will looked at Adam with a disapproving eye.
"I'm not sure, but I think Joan just tried to rape me."
"EXCUSE ME!" Helen looked at him.
"We were reading over the Vietnam War and next thing I know, she knocks me to the bed, sticks her tongue in my mouth and shoves her hand down my pants. I got scratch marks to prove it." He pulled up his shirt, revealing several red lines.
"I'll talk to Joan." Helen took a step, but Will stopped her.
"Let me handle this one. I think I know what she's going through." They watched Adam quickly leave; he was beside himself.
Will quietly went upstairs and knocked on Joan's door. "What? Oh, it's you, come in."
"Miss," Will used his 'cop' voice, "We received a report of a 261 at this location. Benson and Stabler will be around shortly to take your statement?"
Joan smiled, SVU was her favorite. "I guess you think I'm some slut or something?"
"Actually, I understand what you're going through. Do you know why I never take my shirt off in front of anyone?"
"You have man boobs."
"You think so?" Will got a laugh out of her. "No, I got shot." He lifted his tee shirt, showing her the scars on his chest. "You were three, Luke was about two months old. I was on loan to the narcotics bureau. We were gonna bust this low life crack pusher, major player. I was the second man through the door. He got off three shots; I caught all of them."
"Why didn't you have a vest on?"
"I did, he had cop killer rounds. Went right through it." Will looked away for a moment. "I spent a few weeks in the hospital, then another two weeks before I was deemed physically ready for duty. The psychologist wouldn't sign off until he had seen me three times. At the second meeting, he told me that he was going to have me start on a desk then ease back onto the streets. I blew up. I mean who was this guy to say that I couldn't be a cop? I was putting a lot of hours at the station; I had been ignoring your mom and you guys. One night, she came into the bedroom, I had been at the station all day. She set the phone down next to the apartments for rent and the psychologist's card. Told me I got one phone call."
"You called the psychologist?" More of a statement than a question.
"Yeah. Helped me get my head on straight; made me a better man."
"How does that apply to me?"
"You and I both have seen the truth: That no matter what we think, tomorrow may not come. You wanna grab life with both hands and not let go, right?"
"Yeah, Is that wrong?"
"Just depends on how tight you grab. I know that it was your death, but we, Adam most of all, had to live through it. He lost his mom in that hospital. In November." Will handed her his handkerchief. "He blamed himself so much for what happened to you. Still does, I think. You just need to let life happen for now. Things will fall into place."
"Thanks daddy." She hugged him. "I'm sorry. You probably think I sleep around, huh?"
"No, but if you do decide to have sex, use protection. I can't stop you, you're legally an adult now." He really didn't want to know her personal life. "I'm not the one you should apologize to."
Running down the stairs, Joan grabbed her cell phone, hoping she could mend this fence.
"Hello, Adam?"
"What!?" She could hear the pain and anger over the phone.
"Can we talk?" She knew that a lot of groveling would be involved.
"Talk."
"I meant in person."
"I took a walk. Go out your front door and I'll tell you where to go."
Joan followed his directions, talking between ordered turns. After about 10 minutes Joan recognized her back yard.
"Adam, I'm must of made a wrong turn. I'm in my back yard."
"I'm in the tree house." He called out the trapdoor
"Why didn't you just say that?" She hung up.
"Because I wasn't ready to talk to you face-to-face then."
"Adam, I'm sorry. I just have so much that I want to do and I want you to be a part of it and…" Joan broke down again. "I'm sorry. My head's still really messed up, I'm just no good to anybody. Maybe it would have been better if I had died."
"NO! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! EVER!" Adam roared, and then regretted it. "Sorry, I just…you can't know what it's like to loose your mother, then almost loose the only other woman you love. I was so scared. I mean seeing you with all those tubes and needles and wires." He lost it. "I couldn't do anything for you. All I could think about was my mom and how she laid there just like that and then she died."
"It's okay." Joan wrapped him in her arms and waited for him. He had so much pain and sadness to let go of.
"I'm sorry for yelling like that." He was opening some old wounds. "I didn't tell you this before. My mom, she spent her last day in ICU Bay 7, it was November 10th.
"That was my room and my date of death." Joan was starting to understand Adam's fears.
"I was worried that, that…" Adam teared up again.
"What were you worried about?" Joan asked, in a soft, soothing voice.
"That I would have to bury another woman I loved.
"I'm sorry Adam." Joan didn't know how much he loved her. "I keep forgetting that what I do affects others. I need someone to help keep me grounded; remind me that there are others to think about. I just want to feel alive, and I thought that maybe…"
"That having sex would do it. Then what?" Adam finished her thought. "Then what? Bungee jumping? Sky diving? Bull riding? Free basing Meth?" She smiled, trying not to laugh. "You'd become one of those adrenaline junkies. Bigger thrills just to keep from feeling anything."
"You're right. I just don't want to miss anything in life."
"I understand. I'm honored that you would want me for your first time. But I also don't want it to be some hurried thing in your parent's house. When I have sex for the first time, I want it to be something special. When the time is right, we will. Does that make any sense?"
"Sure." They shared a kiss. "Adam, I had a dream while I was in the coma. This woman asked me to get a message to someone named 'Ant', do you know who that is?"
Adam perked up, "What did she look like?"
Joan began describing the woman. Adam pulled out a picture from his wallet; inhaling, he handed it to Joan.
"That's her. Who is she?"
"That's my mom. This was taken the year before I was born. It's the only picture I have of her." He wiped a tear away. "Dad put all the other pictures into storage after she died."
"Who's ant?"
"I am. I used to run around yelling 'Up and at 'em, Adam Ant'. I didn't know that it was Atom, not Adam. She would call me Ant."
"She said that she has been watching you and that you and your dad need to start patching things up. She loves you and misses you."
"Thank you Joan." He hugged her. They heard Helen call out from the back door.
"Dinner's ready. I'm hungry." Joan headed down the ladder.
"Look, it's the grim reaper." Christie Lawson pointed at Joan.
"Him?" She looked at Adam; he had soot marks on his face. "No, he just finished in art class. Charcoal."
"I meant you, looser. Stay back, we don't wanna catch your craziness."
Stepping right into Christi's face, "What? What did I do to you? I don't think that you have ever spoken to me before today. And the first thing you can say is 'It's the grim reaper.' Let me tell you a little something about near-death. It's not all fun and games. How does an unending nightmare that you can't wake up from sound? When you do wake up; you can't breathe because there's tube in your throat because a machine had breathe for you. You try opening our eyes, but the doctor taped gauze over them, so you're blind. Does that sound like fun so far? And did I mention the restrains so you can't accidentally rip the IV needles out; I had five of those in me. Oh, and when the breathing tube got pulled out, I puked up what looked like lumps of coal. So, anything else you wanna say?" Christi turned her head, "I didn't think so."
"Way to go Girardi." Grace was right behind her.
"Jane? Are you okay?" He handed her a rag from his pocket.
"Adam, I appreciate the gesture, but this has oil on it." She handed it back. "I have to expect people to be mean. They don't understand what I went through."
"If you're feeling up to it, next week is National Suicide awareness week. We would like you to talk at the assembly. If you want." The principal walked up.
"Let me think about it, okay."
"They want me to speak at the assembly next week. I think I will." Joan said over dinner.
"What assembly?" Will asked, covering his spaghetti with Helen's homemade sauce.
Lowering her voice and speaking rapidly, "The National Suicide Awareness week assembly."
"No." Will didn't even look up.
"Why not?"
"I don't want you to be telling everyone what you went through."
"Dad, If by telling my story, I can keep it from happening to just one other person; then it will be worth anything that those preppies could say."
"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Luke asked.
"No, but I have a week to get ready. No pressure." She laughed.
"If you need anything, just ask." Helen passed the Parmesan cheese.
"Okay, I can do this." Joan quietly said to herself. The two other speakers were both national experts who had flown in for the assembly.
"Good luck Jane." Adam turned to leave. "I'll be in the front row."
"Stay here, please." Joan wanted a familiar face near by.
"Sure."
"Now, our final speaker is a young woman who has some first hand knowledge she would like to share with you. Joan Girardi." There was some polite applause.
"Thank you. My name is Joan and I am dead." She paused to let it sink in. "I died three times on November 10th. I overdosed on a bunch of different pills; I don't remember which ones, but I remember my last thought; 'I don't want to die'. I was one of the lucky ones, I lived." She heard a boy in the last row yell out 'Too bad.' "No, what was too bad was that I thought that I had no other options. Over the past few months I learned that no matter how bad things look, no matter what's going wrong; you still have your family and friends." She looked over at Adam. "It took dying for me to see that. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to a friend, a teacher you trust, call that 1-800 number she gave out." Joan pointed to the first speaker. "Go to church and talk to God. Talk to someone. My point is that you're only alone if you allow it; you always have someone to turn to." Joan spoke for another 5 minutes or so. When she finished there was silence for a long second then the crowd burst into thunderous applause.
"Thank you ladies. We have a few minutes for questions." The principal was walking around the audience with a wireless microphone.
"Joan, what has been the hardest thing for you since your… um…"
"My death?" Joan bailed the student out. "I guess it would be having to regain the trust I lost from those who cared about me. They all believed it to be their fault."
"Did you see a light?"
"Yeah, I did."
The panel answered a few more questions, most of them directed at Joan. "If we didn't get to your question, you know my e-mail. I will answer the reasonable ones." The three women walked off stage.
"I have one, is 'it wrong to think a dead girl hot?'" Adam asked before leaning in for a kiss.
"Necrophiliac." She kissed him back.
"Mr. Rove, Ms. Girardi, this is still school." The principal interrupted them.
"Sorry." They both said.
"Oh honey, we're so proud of you." Helen hugged her. "I was worried that you were going to freeze up out there."
"I was nervous at first, but then I got this strange feeling that I was meant to do this and I just went with it." Joan accepted the bottle of water Luke offered her. "Thanks. Have I told you I'm sorry for beating you up."
"Not since yesterday."
"I promise to stop apologizing sometime." Joan drank down half the bottle. She could feel a head rush coming on "Oh no. This is 'Java Water. I need to sit down. I haven't had a lot of caffeine since before the coma." She took a few deep breaths. "It's okay, I can handle this."
"You gonna be alright, Jane? Adam looked concerned.
Nodding, "Yeah, just not used to this much caffeine at once. Could I get some tap water, please?" She read the bottle and was amazed to see how much caffeine was in it. "I used to make my espresso from this stuff."
"That would explain the convulsions." Helen said flatly.
"What convulsions?" Joan was worried.
"The doctor said that it looked like you were going through withdrawal during the coma."
Joan leaned in closer, "Did I go through anything else during my coma?"
"No, he said that your body had shut down all non essential functions."
"I need to use the restroom." Joan walked down the hall.
Joan bent over to splash some cool water on her face; when she rose there was a young woman right behind her.
"Oh God!" Joan jumped.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to talk to you. I'll leave." The girl turned for the door.
"No wait, you just surprised me, that's all. I also had my first caffeine in a few months so I'm a little jumpy, what's on your mind?"
"I…um wanted to thank you for what you said today. I was…ah…thinking about… killing myself. My parents got divorced last year and my father keeps telling me that I was the reason for the divorce and that he wished I had never been born." She broke down sobbing.
Joan held the scared girl, letting her cry it out. Grace ducked her head in to see what was happening and just as quickly ducked out. A moment later, the janitor's cart could be heard rolling up. Grace looked in again and gave the thumbs up.
"Anything I say is just one girl talking to another, okay. First, tell your mom what he said to you and see if you have to keep seeing him. If you have to, tell him that what her says hurts you and that you don't want to come around if he keeps it up. Lastly, I would go talk to family services and get some family counseling. Did you have a plan?"
Nodding the girl pulled out a four-inch long knife and handed it to Joan. "I was gonna slit my wrists. You know, with the arm, not across."
"Well, I'm glad you didn't do it." Joan had a strange feeling that she knew this girl, but couldn't place where from. "Sorry, I had a déjà vu."
"I get that a lot." The girl turned and started to walk out.
"See you tomorrow." Joan cracked a smile.
Smiling back, "Yeah, you will."