Chapter ten: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Now that is interesting…

While doing my usual hobby of lurking around corners, ready to pounce on unsuspecting students who are either to young to go to Hogsmeade or aren't loved enough by their families to be allowed to go to Hogsmeade, I got rather a nice surprise. There, belting around the corner, were Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle, all looking scared out of their little tiny minds. And then Malfoy started babbling about seeing Potter down in Hogsmeade, but not the whole of Potter, just the overgrown head part of Potter. Now no part of Potter should be down in Hogsmeade, especially not the head part as that is the part that does all the thinking. Or at least much thinking as a Potter can manage. No doubt by the time I reach Gryffindor Tower Potter will be sat doing his Potion's homework, just to rub it in a bit more, but there was something about that one-eyed statue of a witch that he was loitering around before…

Bugger it

When I reached the statue Potter was just stood there, true he was out of breath and clutching his side like he had a stitch, but unfortunately I can't expel a student for looking a bit tired. Not that I haven't tried before now. Anyway, Potter is currently sat in my office, trying and failing to hide his muddy hands, and now I can finally start having a bit of fun without good old Dumbledore sticking his nose in like usual. Whenever I want to have a go at a student he always seems to materialise and lead me away quietly like I'm some deranged old person. Not this time, Potter is mine!

Words alone could not express the anger I'm feeling right at the minute

I hate them all. Potter, Lupin, Black, Dumbledore, McGonagall. Every single last one of them. I'm currently too enraged to write the details of what occurred but I'm sure I'll be able to give away all the grisly facts after a few firewhiskeys.

A few Firewhiskeys later…

Well here you are. I confronted Potter, who had the cheek and the nerve to blatantly lie to my face. He actually suggested that Malfoy was having hallucinations! Why exactly Malfoy would be having hallucinations of Potter is another matter entirely. Now I figured that while I didn't actually have any concrete evidence, the chance to annoy Potter a bit was just too good to pass up. And I knew exactly what subject tended to get little Potter all in a flap…

"How extraordinarily like your father you are Potter. He too was exceedingly arrogant. Strutting around the place with his friends…" And at that exact moment he lost it, shouting that his "father didn't strut!" and nor does he. So I decided to breach another subject that always seems a very touchy one where Potter's concerned- the size of his head.

"Your father's head was so swollen-" then he completely lost it, told me to "shut up!" in a really high-pitched voice, then went white, then folded his arms like a toddler having a tantrum. I put on my 'most deadly whisper' voice,

"What did you say to me Potter?" I was so close I could almost smell the fear rolling off him in waves.

"My dad saved your life! Dumbledore told me! You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him!" Oh good grief, he makes it all sound so heroic doesn't he? James Potter, Champion Seeker of Gryffindor, Heart-Throb of Hogwarts and hero of Severus Snape, forever in his debt. Don't make me laugh.

"I would hate you to run away with a false impression of your father Potter." Lean forward, grin evilly, "Your father and his little friends played a highly amusing joke on me which would have resulted in my death if your father hadn't got cold feet right at the last minute." Triumphant grin, step back slightly and…triumphant pose. You can't beat me today Potter!

So far, so good. It was however after demanding Potter turn out his pockets that things got steadily worse. He had a bit of parchment, which had the audacity to insult me (I won't repeat the insults, they were poorly thought out and utterly unimaginative) so I had the bright idea of getting Lupin to come and have a look. Secretly I wanted to see how the parchment would insult Lupin, but that's just me being childish. Why I chose Lupin out of all the teachers in the castle I have no idea but it seemed like a good plan at the time.

Well, to cut a long story short, Potter got out of any punishment and went skipping off to Gryffindor Tower, arm in arm with Lupin, and I was left to throw inanimate objects around my room until I felt a bit better.

Never drinking again.

I have a headache. One of those really arsey headaches where you sit down for five minutes and it goes away, then you stand up and it rushes back like a tidal wave. And to top it all off I met McGonagall on my way to the Great Hall who grinned at me jubilantly.

"I heard you called Remus down to your office earlier Severus. Did you need help with something? Was he the only man for the job?" McGonagall smiled pleasantly and I felt like charging her and throwing her out of the window straight into the Great Lake, but I managed to suppress myself.

"And how is your relationship with Dumbledore going? Are you still so far up his arse that you can almost see out of his eyes?"

I know. It was mean, rude and uncalled for. But god it felt good. I am in so much trouble.

In so much trouble

Dumbledore appeared at my elbow suddenly as I was skulking around the library (while also skipping class incidentally) and asked me to accompany him up to the Owlery in order to 'have a little chat'. Firstly, I hate the Owlery and secondly, I hate having 'a little chat' with anyone, especially Dumbledore. We walked to the Owlery in silence and I totted up everything in my head that he could have a go at me for. Now, there's having a barney at Potter, apparently 'stalking' Lupin, drinking during school hours, lurking around in the library while I'm supposed to be teaching and of course the awfully rude comment I made to McGonagall concerning her head and a certain orifice of Dumbledore's. And I swear he chose the Owlery to 'have a little chat' specifically because he knows I hate it and his main goal in life is to cause me as much pain and suffering as is humanly possible.

"Is there something WRONG Severus?"

"No." I sound like a moody teenager. I hate having to answer Dumbledore's shitty little questions.

"I have been receiving COMPLAINTS off certain MEMBERS of staff."

"Like who?"

"Peeves says YOU continuously THREATEN to jinx him,"

"Doesn't everyone?" That made Dumbledore smile a bit, for some strange reason he likes Peeves and for some even stranger reason, Peeves likes him.

"Drinking in SCHOOL hours?" I pretended to be interested in a pigeon that had just flown in and was getting pecked by a haughty Barn Owl. "Your continuous TORMENT of Harry Potter?" That made me grin, I was quite pleased that it could be seen as 'continuous torment', I have just been elevated in my own estimation. "There was another thing that someone-"

"-You mean McGonagall?" I interrupted him; I can't stand it if he babbles on for too long.

"Yes, Minerva expressed some CONCERN that your RELATIONSHIP with Remus is turning UNHEALTHY."

"Relationship! Unhealthy! I think Minerva might be getting slightly jealous of my responsibilities concerning Professor Lupin, Headmaster." Dumbledore leant on the windowsill and looked at me for a bit.

"Severus, it is a well-known FACT that you DISLIKE Remus, you have threatened to POISON him on numerous occasions, you have ATTEMPTED to poison him on two occasions and you FOLLOW him around the castle chartering his every MOVE."

"Does that class as a relationship?" I found that comment quite amusing, though I don't think Dumbledore was as impressed. And I maintain I'm not obsessed by Lupin, I am simply doing my wizarding duty by suspecting him of everything.

"Severus," Dumbledore smiled and looked at me like an Uncle looking at his favourite nephew, "There is of COURSE one more ISSUE I must raise." He took his stupid specs off and polished them for a bit, "You were exceedingly RUDE to Minerva earlier." Ah, I thought he might have forgotten about that.

"I…er…" There you are, the first and only time Severus Snape has been lost for words. Dumbledore nodded at me while I um-ed and ahh-ed in my robes before I gave an exasperated "fine," and stormed out, squishing a snowy owl into the wall with the door as I yanked it open. I really hope it was Potter's.