Disclaimer: Do I have to do this for every chapter? Also isn't it kind of obvious I don't own Harry Potter cos I wouldn't be making a mockery of it if I did.

Chapter thirteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

Hmm

Not much going on really, Macnair is doing a lot of striding around waving his axe at people and decapitating pumpkins, Fudge is looking worried and Dumbledore is looking as smug as ever. I know Potter and Lupin have to have something to do with this; I just have to find out what. I'm going for a snoop around.

Damn

Just been cornered by Dumbledore asking if Lupin had received his potion this evening, I shrugged and said I didn't know or in fact care but Dumbledore ordered me back into the castle saying that if Lupin transformed he would nail a piece of raw meat to my bedroom door to attract werewolf boy to me. Charming. Wonder if I can sue Dumbledore for threatening behaviour?

Well well

Now isn't that interesting, Lupin's office is empty so I took the courtesy of snooping around a bit and I've found that ratty piece of parchment of Potter's and it is in fact a map that charts everyone's movements in the castle. I can see Dumbledore wandering around outside, Filch is shuffling around in the dungeons somewhere and McGonagall's sat in her office. But running towards the Shrieking Shack are one Remus Lupin and one Sirius Black accompanied by Potter, Granger and Weasley. Either Potter and his two sidekicks are about to get killed, or they're al concocting some plan to get Black into the castle. What I have to decide is whether to leave Potter to get killed (which does sound very appealing) or go in and capture Black (which sounds if possible even more appealing). I'm going to go and watch the action from a front row seat, as it were.

Ah ha!

Potter has left his invisibility cloak under the Whomping Willow. I know, Potter's cloak is meant to be this huge secret between him and Dumbledore, but Dumbledore saw fit to just mention it to me in case Potter ever got into any trouble and needed my help. The reply I gave to Dumbledore was along the general lines of 'don't be stupid.' Wearing Potter's cloak means that I can listen in, watch Black kill Potter and then capture Black! This day is getting better and better, all I need now is for a dragon to come and set fire to Dumbledore.

This is getting more and more exciting!

I'm currently eavesdropping on a very interesting conversation between Black, Lupin, Potter and Granger. I think Weasley has a broken leg; he's limping quite bad and not really saying much anyway. Apparently Granger realised straight after doing my essay on werewolves that Lupin was indeed a werewolf, it's just a pity the stupid girl didn't do something about it (like spreading it around the castle) instead of keeping it to herself. Dumbledore is going to have to issue me with a formal apology, detailing exactly why he decided to ignore all my reservations about employing a werewolf and especially a werewolf who is good friends with Black. Dumbledore's going to have a lot of explaining to do to the Ministry and I might even get a pay rise for being generally brilliant. Right time for my magnificent unveiling I think…

Bastards!

You will never believe what Granger and Potter went and did! I did my very triumphant whipping-off-Potter's-cloak entrance, they all stood and gawped at me for a bit and then Potter and Granger attacked me! Black was being all smug, talking about Potter Senior trying to kill me, then there was some shouting, a loud bang then blackness. I was knocked out because they are too incompetent to cast a decent spell. Anyway, apparently Lupin went outside in the moonlight without having taken his potion (this I will inevitably get blamed for), got really hairy and a bit temperamental so I had to go and save the day once more by standing in front of Potter and Granger with my wand raised. Fortunately Black finally decided to help and dragged Lupin off into the woods for a fight, but then Granger and Potter ran off as well! By the time I found Potter and Black they were both out cold on the shore of the Great Lake and the Squid was having a strop because the lake had frozen over. At the minute I'm stood outside the hospital wing waiting for Dumbledore to finish with Potter and Granger, both of whom are raving mad by the way, and then I can go and watch Black being given the Dementor's Kiss. I have waited for years for this exact moment and I will savour it for as long as possible. Fudge did come and talk to me however, started going on about stuff; I think his exact words were, "Order of Merlin, 2nd class, 1st class if I can wangle it." Pretentious git.

Life...

… is shit. Black apparently evaporated into thin air just before the Kiss was going to be performed, Potter and Granger have managed to attain a new level of smugness and Dumbledore keeps asking me why Lupin did not have his potion that night. One good piece of news though, Dumbledore got hundreds of owls from parents wanting Lupin gone, so he is leaving at the end of this term. No more forced potion making. No more Lupin and Potter going off for walks together. No more werewolf jokes. But if Dumbledore asks me one more time about that bleeding Wolfsbane potion and why Lupin didn't take it I am going to cut his beard off. At a dodgy angle.

Finally

Peace and quiet. The school year is over and I finally get my castle back. Dumbledore is away for three weeks travelling around Transylvania trying to persuade Dracula to stop drinking blood and instead try sucking on a humbug. Hopefully Dracula will take this as an insult and kill him. I have discovered in the last two days however how cold it is down here, it is absolutely freezing! I opened my store cupboard last night and half off my potions had frozen over! It doesn't matter how warm it is outside, it is permanently cold down here! Next year I'm going to ask to be moved up to one of the towers instead of being stuck in the dungeons.

Oh and, if you're wondering, I didn't get that Order of Merlin. Second or first class. Lying bastard.