Sex For Dummies Chapter 2, a bleach fanfic

Chapter 2 – With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Summary: Ichigo gritted his teeth as he took a piece of paper and a pen. "This better be worth your life, Renji. Because if not, I'm going to go Bankai all over your pathetic ass and feed you to the fishes."

"Not just mine, but your future spawns as well." Renji said seriously.

Fiction Rating: M for adult content that is very 'implied'

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia, and a whole lot of people.

Disclaimer: As if I own Bleach.

SPOILERS: A lot of things about Bleach, from SS to Arrancar Arc.

WARNING: A lot of crack, and despite what I said earlier, the adult-content is very much implied only. Sorry guys, there are no actual lemons in this fic.

(Page Break)

Chapter 2 – With friends like these, who needs enemies?

A few days before Rukia and Ichigo's wedding, the seeds of doubt that Isshin planted in his head now grew into a full-fledged tree, complete with a sturdy trunk, fluttering leaves, fruits, and the occasional unwanted termite.

The past week had been a stressful blur to the two as they went through the details of their wedding. Though Karin and Yuzu assisted Rukia, it was still very taxing to go through all of those many details. Naturally, even if Ichigo was fairly busy, he tried his best to assist his fiancée, who was by now – in his opinion – a few hours short of blowing a fuse. Despite her heated protests that she was 'fine,' Ichigo knew that Rukia was only hanging on a short thread as she slashed her 4-foot tall Chappy stuff toy with Sode no Shirayuki when the two were having a heated discussion about cake flavors. She wanted strawberry-flavored, he wanted the chocolate-walnut one instead.

The fight culminated with Rukia slamming the remaining chocolate-walnut cake over Ichigo's face in anger.

Hurrying to relieve Rukia from the stress, Ichigo immediately dragged her out to look for hollows. After an hour of bashing and slicing, his fiancée was soon back to normal. Afterwards, she was smiling happily back at the manor, not after asking him to buy her another chappy stuffed toy. His apparent concern for her well-being did not go unnoticed and her way of saying thank you soon led to a hot and heavy session of making out.

The two stumbled on to the large bed and Ichigo impatiently removed the covers aside. Giggling, Rukia kicked off her sandals and ran her toes up and down his covered leg before she hooked it behind one strong limb so she could pull him more towards her.

"You tease." Ichigo muttered appreciatively as she tugged his shirt from his slacks, in order to touch the planes of his stomach with her dainty palms.

Not to be outdone, he quickly unbuttoned her silk blouse with fumbling fingers. "Damn, too much buttons..."

"Screw the buttons..." she whispered against his mouth before running her tongue across his lips.

"I'm all-too-willing to comply." Ichigo said as he deftly tore the said blouse off to Rukia's bubbling laughter.

"Hey, I loved that blouse! That's my favorite." she said in mock-seriousness as Ichigo threw the damaged clothing to the floor in exuberance.

Ichigo spared a moment to glance at the scrap of silk in reverence, remembering how it clung to Rukia's curves like second skin, and how it showed off a hint of a modest cleavage with its deep neckline. In fact, the damned blouse was so distracting; he was almost unable to defend his preference for the chocolate-walnut cake. "So did I, but that had to go."

Rukia raked her fingernails through Ichigo's scalp "You better buy me a new blouse... Sensei." she whined, using her annoying 'teenage student' voice

"Only if you promise to be a naughty girl, Kuchiki." Ichigo replied in a tone that was eerily like an old pervert.

The Kuchiki noble shot her fiancee a cold glance, "You better not say that to your students!"

Ichigo laughed as he attempted to kiss her again. "Seriously, Rukia, I have never seen any student wear a schoolgirl uniform and make me go horny other than you."

"Is that so?" Rukia asked, breathless as Ichigo was now kissing the taut skin of her stomach. "I'll be sure to get a schoolgirl uniform next time. I promise to make it extra short…"

Who says good guys finish last?

Suddenly, while they were in the middle of a particularly 'interesting' activity (yes, Ichigo was just about to take off the all too-irritating and all too-snug pants that Rukia was wearing) when his phone rang. "Damn them all to hell!" He grumbled harshly, as he touched his forehead against hers. "Why is it, that THIS always happens whenever I TRY to –

"Just answer the phone, Ichigo. It could be an emergency. Rukia said lightly, though it was obvious that she was just as frustrated with the interruption as he was. Was it just her imagination, but did she and Ichigo become extra popular these days? For the past week, they have been receiving many calls from their friends, inquiring about their well-being. Aside from their former schoolmates, they also got calls and many messages from soul society. Heck, even her own Taicho kept on pestering her, asking if she was all right and if Ichigo was exhibiting a certain weird behavior.

When she asked what it was, Ukitake Taicho would just cough out loud, though Rukia could swear that she distinctly heard the words 'frustrated' or 'heated' quite often.

It wasn't even close to summer, why would Ichigo complain about the weather? It was September, for crying out loud! Maybe the frustration she can understand. After all, Ichigo often complained about the deplorable answers of his students during the exams. "Really Rukia," he complained "how can they NOT know this answer, I explained it in detail! No one was absent from my class since the term started, so how can they say that I haven't taught it yet?"

Honestly, she was frustrated too. Because every time she and Ichigo were in the middle of something IMPORTANT, the damned phone ALWAYS rang! The orange-haired substitute shinigami often complained that if it didn't stop, he would have to konso someone.

Take last week, for example, they planned everything. From the romantic dinner to the quiet stroll home, both of them anticipating and slightly feeling nervous about getting home. They were already in Rukia's bedroom (yes, they stay in separate rooms even now that they are engaged, as per Kuchiki Taicho's order… er… request) and were already in the middle of their making-out, Ichigo was planning on taking it a step further, when they were interrupted by a phone call from Ishida who wanted to go through the last few details of the bride's gown.

After shouting at the Quincy to call back when it was a goddamn morning (ignoring the other's confused query on why was ichigo the one answering the phone that was located in Rukia's bedroom), they were then interrupted by the arrival of Inoue, Tatsuki, Karin, and Yuzu who came for an overnight visit to 'see' Rukia.

After seeing the flushed face of the two, the visitors gave them pitying glances that should have been welcome except that Ichigo really was pissed off. What got them even more confused was the fact that their guests were mumbling 'sorry' over and over again. True, they didn't take too kindly with the interruption, but it wasn't like they required them to commit hara kiri.

Now, it seemed that everything was going to end up just like before. Angrily, Ichigo grabbed his cell phone. "What?" He all but barked.

"I know you're busy with color-coding your lessons and all," Came the annoying voice of Renji. "But just listen well and take notes. We'll be meeting up for dinner ok, so be there by 7 in the evening."

"For what?"

"Just get a friggin' piece of paper, you idiot!" Shouted Renji over the phone.

Ichigo gritted his teeth as he took a piece of paper and a pen. "This better be worth your life, Renji. Because if not, I'm going to go Bankai all over your pathetic ass and feed you to the fishes."

"Not just mine, but your future spawns as well." Renji said seriously.

WTF? "Whatever. So, what now?"

"Write down whatever I say and meet us there tomorrow at 7pm."

"Mind telling me why, Abarai fukutaicho?"

"Do you have to ask Kurosaki?" Renji said in annoyance. "Remember, be there or face the consequences and eternal humiliation of which the whole of Soul Society will be aware of."

Sometimes, Ichigo did wonder if all those times Renji spent with Kuchiki Byakuya bought about his rapid descent into madness. But that wasn't his problem, he was a doctor, a researcher, a professor; not some goddamn shrink. If Renji wanted to go nuts, who was he to stop it anyway?

A few minutes later, Ichigo closed his phone.

"Why did Renji call you?" Demanded Rukia, curious.

"Seriously, I have no idea." Ichigo said in confusion. "He just wanted to meet up with me for dinner. Any idea why?" he asked his fiancée. "Maybe Byakuya planned on making Renji kill me so I couldn't marry you."

Rukia gave him a stern glare. "Are you implying something about my brother?"

"Sorry, I can't help it." Apologized Ichigio, "I mean he was really weird during the engagement party."

"So were the rest of the guests."

Suddenly, Ichigo gave her a leering sort of smile, "So… where were we?" He asked as he scooted back beside her. He went closer so that he was facing her directly. Softly, he pressed his lips on hers and he shifted so his body covered hers. Bracing himself on his forearms, Ichigo made sure that he wasn't crushing her with his weight. Slowly, he brought his mouth down to explore the smooth skin of neck. "In a few days," he whispered against her, heating her skin with his warm breath "you'll be Kurosaki Rukia."

Rukia buried her fingers in the lushness of his orange-hair, reveling in the feel of them against her fingers. "Kurosaki Rukia… I… ah… like the sound of… OH… that…" She moaned as Ichigo nipped a particularly sensitive part of her neck.

"Definitely," chuckled Ichigo as he slowly slid the straps of her bra. "I would definitely love hearing that too, anywhere… in soul society… in Hongo…even in Karakura…especially in the hospital nursery, in the local preschool. Will we have kids, Rukia? Two kids, a boy and a girl perhaps? Maybe twins too?"

Rukia gasped as she felt Ichigo's mouth on her breast. She really couldn't concentrate, couldn't think not now when he was using that mouth of his for something other than talking. Nonverbal stuff… "I think… three…MORE." She cried softly as she felt his tongue do things that made her forget even about this conversation.

"More kids?" He teased, stopping. Knowing that his fiancée would be sorely disappointed with him stopping. "Five kids then, for a basketball team…"

"That is NOT what I meant, strawberry." Rukia gritted out as she tugged at his hair.

Suddenly, the phone rang again; this time, it was Rukia's.

"Oh come on!" Shouted Ichigo in frustration as Rukia quickly shoved him off her.

She gave him a look that could have curdled milk as she hurriedly righted her bra and pulling the covers around her. "If this is a hollow –

"Like when did a hollow appear around this time? If I remember correctly, the hollows have become extra considerate these days, not appearing after 9pm. Since the party, the only people who have been very INCONSIDERATE are our friends, your fellow shinigami, and my family! How can that BE a hollow then?"

"Oh shut up, it's an unlisted number." She said as she answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Kuchiki-san…"

Rukia frowned, "Inoue?"

Beside her, Ichigo banged his head against the pillows repeatedly. "I told you SO!" He almost shouted in annoyance. "Say goodbye to Inoue and put the damn phone down, Rukia!"

"Um, Kuchiki-san, was that…Kurosaki-kun?"

Rukia closed her eyes briefly. "Yes, Inoue."

"What is wrong with him?"

"He is merely disappointed, annoyed, frustrated…" Rukia ground out, hoping that Inoue would get the hint.

For her part, Inoue Orihime was surprised and embarrassed. But not for the reasons Rukia though she should be.

Oh my god, Inoue thought in mortification. She called at a time where Kurosaki-kun was attempting SOMETHING with Kuchiki-san. No wonder he sounded so frustrated. The poor Kurosaki-kun was trying to take their relationship a step further and he was unable to!

Now, Kurosaki-kun was definitely aware that she was aware that he was unaware about how sex went!

As far as friendships went, one had to draw the line, and Inoue knew she did the unthinkable by crossing an invisible boundary with Kurosaki-kun by calling on one of his 'attempts.'

"Inoue." Rukia said impatiently, wanting to end the conversation so she could go back to an impatient strawberry that was now alternating between glaring at her and tracing patterns on her back.

"Ah, well… ah, Kuchiki-san, can you join us girls out for dinner tomorrow?" Inoue asked in a rush. "I'll be cooking something, so can you go to my home tomorrow evening around 7?"

"What's the occasion?"

Inoue paused. "Nothing much except that it is full moon tomorrow night, I thought we could have a party to commemorate the beauty of the full moon."

Rukia was also aware that people were crazier during the full moon. Was Inoue exhibiting an advanced insanity? "Um… Sure, I guess."

"Wonderful!" Inoue cried out happily. "I'll see you then, Kuchiki-san… and um… I'm sorry about Kurosaki-kun."

As Rukia placed down the phone, Ichigo saw that she had a bewildered look on her face. "What's wrong? Was there a problem that Inoue called you?"

"She said sorry…"

"She should be." Ichigo said angrily "I mean, for her calling you at such a goddamn hour is going beyond the bounds of friendship –

"She said… I'm sorry about Kurosaki-kun…"

Ichigo sat up. "What the hell was that about? What's supposed to be wrong with me?"

Rukia shrugged before letting the covers slide from her shoulders. "Does it matter?" She asked coyly.

"Definitely not." Ichigo said, a bit out of breath as his fiancée slowly shrugged off her bra. Slowly, he let his hand trace the smooth contours of her face before he proceeded to open the button of her pants. "You know, I like it better when you wear a dress." He complained ruefully as he encountered difficulty in unzipping the offending jeans.

Fortunately, his shirt was already discarded and Rukia was able to run her hands over his lean chest and shoulders. "But skinny jeans are supposed to be sexy, Ichigo." She teased as she pulled him closer so she could run her tongue against his ear. It was a move that she discovered made the usually stubborn and willed Ichigo into putty. Softly, she blew into his ear and tugged at the lobe with her teeth gently, causing her fiancée to let out a harsh groan, making his hands skim her denim-clad thighs before he pulled the fabric off her quickly.

"Don't you like it, Ichigo?" she asked innocently as she too pulled at his belt hurriedly, removing it and throwing it on the floor. It fell with a muted sound on the carpet

"Oh god, I love it." He said against her mouth hoarsely as he kissed her mouth deeply.

Without a second's hesitation, Rukia opened her mouth so he could get better access into it. In response, he slanted his mouth over hers and let his tongue dip and touch hers. He stroked it with the same languid pace that Rukia was doing while she drew random circles on his back.

The phone rang again. Rukia, the ever serious shinigami, quickly tore her mouth off Ichigo's.

"Don't you dare!" Ichigo warned as he grabbed and pinned the petite shinigami beneath him, "I'm sure that it's just Tatsuki or something."

"But…" Rukia said as she grabbed the phone to take a look at it while Ichigo continued to kiss and nuzzle her neck. "Ichigo."

At that serious tone, Ichigo stopped. "Please," he almost begged. "Don't tell me…"

"Yes, it IS a hollow."

(Page Break)

It was a wonder for many of the students why Kurosaki-sensei was such in a foul mood. The normally cool and laid-back doctor was uncharacteristically frowning as if his life depended on it. Instead of being considerate to those who got a low score on the test, he lashed out by telling them to quit fooling around and concentrate on studying. One of the girls who had a crush on him tried to give him his favorite chocolates, but he just gave her the cold shoulder.

The girl was left almost in tears.

"It must be stress." One of the students whispered.

"I heard that his fiancée's brother didn't like him." Said another.

"Well, I heard that her brother wanted her to marry someone as rich as they are. You know that the house they're staying on was from his fiancée's brother?"

Another girl joined the conversation. "Well, I've heard from Sayo-san – who attended Kurosaki-sensei's party – that Kuchiki-san's brother is an absolute hottie! He had long hair and piercing dark eyes. Very sensual and powerful-looking too."

The girls repressed a loud squeal. "Really?"

"What are you girls muttering about in MY class?" Came the livid voice of Kurosaki-sensei. "Spit it out."

"Um…" one of them said nervously. "err… we're talking about the brother of your fiancée…"

"Oh?"

The other girl looked at him. "Is he handsome sensei?"

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

Ichigo glared the two girls. "You're not his type. Now focus on the chapter, because I'm giving a quiz before the end of the class."

One guy who was sitting a good distance away felt it safe to say something to his seatmate. "I bet you anything, sensei didn't get any last night."

(Page Break)

By half past five, Ichigo felt like he ran through Soul Society and back. He had to dash from class to staff meetings at the research institute several times just to finish a mountain of paperwork. The cricks on his neck were practically screaming at him to stop and relax. Sighing, Ichigo leaned back on his chair.

Well at least he had two weeks worth of vacation to look forward to when he and Rukia left for their honeymoon. At least he'll get a decent amount of rest somewhere peaceful and quiet. No paperwork, no lectures, no writing of exams, no researching or meeting with financial backers, even no hollows (he and Rukia were given a two-week reprieve from their shinigami duties by Yamamoto Sou-Taicho). Finally, time alone for him and Rukia… time alone… just him… and… Rukia…alone… (Yes, Ichigo now has that really perverted smirk that could put Keigo to shame)

The best part of it was … no Byakuya sending servants to follow him and Rukia anymore… Ah yes, the prospect of bliss and happiness, two-weeks of fun, pleasure, and many, MANY naughty things…

In wordless delight, he scribbled something in his notes before he decided to head off to the place Renji told him to go to. As he fixed his things, Ichigo failed to notice several female students of his enter the faculty office.

"Kurosaki-sensei?" A voice called out.

Ichigo turned to face some of his students. "Yes?" he asked, frowning slightly.

"Um…" the girl, who was obviously the spokeswoman said nervously, trailing. "Well…"

"I hope you don't mind girls, but I have to go someplace." Ichigo said, as he went back to fixing his things.

"Sensei!" The girl cried "We just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage!" Then to Ichigo's surprise, he was given several packages of chocolate.

"Is it customary to give chocolates to the would-be groom?"

The spokesperson blushed. "Well… chocolates are your favorite, sensei… so we decided to…"

Ichigo gave them a small smile.

The girls suddenly turned red, and to his growing confusion, most of them sighed.

"Yo! I-Chi-Go!" Keigo's voice boomed. Suddenly, he stopped as he took in the sight of more than 12 female students swarming around his friend. "What's this? You're getting married in two days and you're still flirting with girls?"

"SHUT IT, Keigo." Warned Ichigo. "Yo, Chad, Ishida."

Chad raised a hand in greeting while Ishida just looked at him.

"What are you guys here for?" He asked them while his students handed him chocolates one by one.

"To bring you to your stag party of course!" Keigo cried, raising an eyebrow at his friend's 'slow' uptake.

The girls all promptly squealed. "Are you going to get plastered, Kurosaki-sensei?" One asked.

"Will there be a stripper?" Another asked.

"Will there be many guys there?"

"Dimwit, naturally, all of sensei's guy friends will be there."

"Will Kuchiki-san's brother be there?"

"Is somebody gonna get laid?"

"What?" Ichigo spat out; honestly, kids these days are too blasé with such things.

A student whipped out a small digital camera. "Will there be any guy-to-guy action, sensei?"

The girls squealed again. "I'll bet Kuchiki-san's brother and her dreamy boss –

"Okay, that's IT!" Ichigo roared, standing up. He was very aware that the other teachers were listening in on the indecent conversation (Was that Kirihara-sensei snickering in the corner? Why was Okada-sensei blushing like mad?). "Girls…please. Just stop. The images are just… disturbing."

Suddenly, one of the girls spotted Ishida. "OMG! OMG, is that Ishida-sama? Ishida Uryuu?"

The last Quincy pushed his spectacles further up the bridge of his nose.

"You girls know Ishida?" Ichigo asked in confusion. Well, as far as he knew, the stuck-up Quincy was very anti-social. So how was it that girls know about him?

"Who doesn't!" The girl beside him breathed. "He's the fashion god of brides all over Japan! Every girl dreams of getting married in an Ishida Uryuu creation…"

Another girl turned to Ichigo with surprise in her eyes, "Ne, Sensei, don't tell me, Ishida-sama made your fiancée's wedding gown?"

"Naturally." Ishida replied, with just a little hint of appreciative pride in his voice. "Kuchiki-san and I have been friends since in junior high. As she has great tastes in clothing, I see no reason not to indulge her with a design of mine as a present." The Quincy threw a disgusted look at Ichigo "Although sometimes I wonder if her tastes really are deplorable, considering she would be marrying a Neanderthal scum."

"Take it back, you damn pansy!" Hissed Ichigo as he glared at the students who were now cooing at him and Ishida. Ugh, it was just disturbing! One was – one was even snapping some pictures of them!

(Page Break)

The ride to his so-called stag party was something Ichigo did not know what to call.

First, the guys insisted on keeping him blindfolded while they drove around the area in circles; Two, Keigo was muttering something about how they planned and plotted to make sure that everything goes according to plan; and Three, after the blindfold was removed, Ichigo blinked to see an old warehouse that was similar to the one he was in when he was training with the Vaizards. It also didn't take a genius to realize that there was also a barrier around the said warehouse.

"You guys do realize that Rukia will come looking for me if I don't get home, right?" Ichigo said, suspiciously as Chad brought out some rope and started tying him up and reinforcing them with an amulet that as Ishida explained, made it difficult for a shinigami to use reiatsu.

"All you need to do is to shut up and just let us do the work." Ishida explained.

Frowning, Ichigo said heatedly, "And WHAT exactly do you guys plan on doing, anyway?"

"Sorry, Ichigo." Keigo said. "Our lips are sealed."

Without another word, Ichigo was dragged inside.

No way. He thought in complete surprise. Aside from Mizuiro and Renji, the Captains and Vice Captains of Soul Society's Gotei 13 were present. They all stood by a table laden with food and was casually making some conversation while some lounged on several of the sofas and tatami mats that were available. Each carried some sort of package that varied greatly in size and density.

There was a stuffed chair in the middle of the room and there was a large white screen across the length of the wide wall. On it, Ichigo could read: Welcome to Kurosaki Ichigo's Stag Party, courtesy of the projector across it.

Without a word, Ichigo was led to the chair as the conversation halted immediately. "So…" he asked. "What brings you guys here?"

Renji looked at him as if he was crazy. "Didn't Keigo tell you? This is a stag party."

"Well excuse me for doubting, as I have seen more festive funerals than this." Ichigo gritted out. "The fact that I was bought here bound and blindfolded would only signify that I'm overacting."

Everyone looked at each other.

Ukitake was pushed forward. "The thing is… since you'll be married in two days, we wanted to have our last… erm… manly get-together. You know, before you're married and stuff – not being single, I mean…"

"Ukitake Taicho." Ichigo said dryly, "You just gave a textbook meaning to the term stag party, but that does not answer why I am HERE tied up like a common criminal or a pig."

"Yare, Ichigo." Came the voice of Shunsui Kyoraku. "We're here to offer you advice."

"Last I looked, the only one who is or was married was Byakuya Taicho. What do you guys possibly KNOW about marriage?"

Everyone looked uncomfortable again; even Keigo for that matter.

"Kurosaki Ichigo." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said, "It came to our knowledge that your father, Kurosaki Isshin, a former shinigami captain –

"My father was a former shinigami Captain?" Ichigo asked incredulously. "What?"

No way, there was absolutely no FUCKING way in hell was Kurosakin Isshin, idiot father, weirdo, and doctor is a shinigami – or was. Whatever.

Ichigo was tempted to think that it was a joke that everyone wanted to give him, so he just looked at everyone and said "Nice try, but there is no way that my old man was a former shinigami."

"Oh he was, Kurosaki Ichigo." Yamamoto Sou-Taicho said. "The man you call your father was formerly the Taicho of the 9th division. Despite his many… flaws –

"That's an understatement." Muttered Ukitake Taicho as he stifled a laugh. "He often pranked a lot of people with the help of Urahara Kisuke."

"- I can asure you that he was a decent and powerful shinigami. When he disappeared one time and was not found, we assumed him killed in action. It was beyond us to think that he lived as a human, became a doctor, and married a human."

Floored, Ichigo remained silent, as he was still unable to comprehend just HOW it was possible. True, his father was strong and had the stamina of a workhorse, but …

If his father was a shinigami, how was it that he failed to save his wife, the mother of his children from the grand fisher? He had got to be weak not to notice its reiatsu or he was just unconcerned.

"Yare, Ichigo." Kyoraku Taicho said, seeing the play of emotions on the substitute shinigami's face. "Urahara explained that it was his gigai that blocked your father from using any power." At the surprised reaction from the man, Kyoraku continued. "Your father had reasons to want a life as a human and that involved risks and sacrifices. His abilities and knowledge as a shinigami was the sacrificial lamb so he could live and grow old with his family."

"If he were to leave the gigai at any point earlier than what was required, he would have been traced by Soul Society." Ukitake Taicho added. "Of all of you, it was your father who suffered the most when you mother died. He couldn't do anything because it might mean losing his children as well."

Ichigo just looked at the floor as he felt his eyes burn with moisture. "Why didn't he tell me…I mean, I could have understood it…"

"You have your secrets and he had his." Kyoraku said simply. "You probably were too young for such a knowledge and it would burden you even more."

"Does that mean he knew? About me and…" Asked Ichigo as a certain idea flashed in his mind.

Ukitake nodded. "It is possible that he knew about you and Kuchiki Rukia being shinigamis right from the start."

"But…" Ichigo stuttered, "He's a weirdo!"

"News flash Ichigo." Zaraki Taicho snorted, "Everyone in soul society IS a weirdo."

"I beg to disagree!" Mayuri Taicho said loudly, outraged to be lumped as a weirdo.

Many looked at the Taicho of the 12th division incredulously, with a look of 'Hello, like you're not the biggest weirdo in the Gotei 13?' on their faces.

"But he's an idiot!" Countered Ichigo.

"Did you take a look at my subordinates?" Zaraki Taicho said, glancing darkly at his 3rd and 5th seats.

"I'm not an idiot, Taicho!" Ikaku shouted at the same time Yumichika said, "I'm too beautiful to be an idiot."

"Well, he's a PERVERT! A big pervert!"

Renji immediately pulled Hisagi up front. "So is he, but that doesn't stop him from being a fukutaicho."

"Watch it, Abarai." Grumbled Hisagi.

"But…but…I don't believe it really, its too weird to be true."

"I thought he was stupid, but even I shortchanged myself." Zaraki muttered, looking at the would-be groom in disgust.

Glaring at the blood-thirsty Taicho, Ichigo scoffed, "You did all of this just to tell me that my old man was a former shinigami? You guys could have just sent me a note or something!"

"As I was saying," continued Yamamoto, obviously tired of the pointless conversation. "Your father told us that you had a certain PROBLEM regarding your intimate relationship with a certain noble member of the Kuchiki clan."

"W-w- who?" Spluttered Ichigo. "What the hell are you talking about?" He looked at Kuchiki Byakuya in horror. "NO!"

"No?"

"I mean that's just gross! He's a guy!"

Yamamoto sighed in annoyance as the other guys groaned in frustration. Byakuya on the other hand simply looked… well, he's an ICE BLOCK, what do you expect?

"Not that noble." Ukitake said, though he was trying to suppress his laughter. "Rukia-chan, Ichigo."

Ichigo looked relieved. "Oh…"

"Well?"

"Um…"Ichigo said slowly, thinking about what to reply. Byakuya was looking at him suspiciously and he just knew that Rukia's older brother was just ITCHING to slice him with Zenbonsakura… "Yeah, a bit –

"There." Yamamoto said. "That is the reason why we're here. To help you with that."

Huh? Ichigo was confused as to how they thought that tying him would fix the problem. They're the ones who caused the problem anyway! Maybe he should get a Soul Society equivalent of a restraining order and sic it on them until he got married.

"We," continued the Sou-Taicho. "Are here to tell you everything there is about sex."

"WHAT?"

"So that you won't embarrass yourself on your wedding night." Shunsui said, smiling like an indulgent parent.

"HUH?"

"Gomen, Ichigo." Keigo said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't know that you had difficulties here. I didn't peg you as the type to remain a virgin until you're 27."

"WHAT!"

A/N: Hehe, ok so here is the second part of Sex for Dummies. Hope you guys like it. I want to thank those people who expressed interest in this story; I hope this is to your liking. I tried to include all the formula that made My Third Daughter's First Date a success, and I added some new elements; unfortunately, I'm still not sure how it would go.

On a different note, please excuse the lack of actual lemon in this fic; I know its rated M, but that's not just used when you write lemons. I really don't recommend this for those who are still green about the birds and the bees, since despite the title, this is NOT a guide book of sorts, ok? Don't blame me if you end up embarrassing yourself, so just listen to your teacher in sex Ed, please! Just to make it clear… This fic discusses/will be discussing things that I would not let my baby brother (yes, he's still naive and innocent, I hope) read this 'til he turns… 30?

No MOM, this is not a porno guide!

Anyway, enjoy and I hope you guys can wait for the next chapter; it's gonna take a bit long, believe me. But yeah, patience is the key for gratification, as someone once told me. Of course, you may not want to believe it, like I did. Since the pervert had his hand on MY knee at the time.