Sex For Dummies Chapter 4, a bleach fanfic

Chapter 4 – Everything that a girl needs to know and have

Summary: "Look Rukia," sighed Matsumoto. "You're going on your honeymoon; you've been given TWO WEEKS OFF by your considerate Taicho – you are just so lucky, you know?" she grabbed the other by her shoulders. "The least you can do is to take advantage of it and have two weeks of as many mind-blowing sex that you can get; because once you report back to work, you'll be so busy with your shinigami and fukutaicho duties that you and Ichigo will be going through sexual withdrawal for many, many, many days." Matsumoto finished the last part with an ominous tone.

Fiction Rating: M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. Much more than what's found in the previous chapter.

Characters: Rukia and a whole lot of girls from Soul Society and Karakura, plus a special appearance of Kon

Disclaimer: If you think I own Bleach, tell me so; I'll PM you a good shrink. You'll love the meds they have!

SPOILERS: Everything about Bleach (at least of what I'm aware of) is spoiled.

WARNING: Crack, crack, and even more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments here for many of the characters, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? BTW, I've never attended a bridal shower yet, so please, no flames about how this fic is going. BTW, there will bo no actual boinking or lemons here, sorry; just naughty words.

And oh, this fic will have more graphic words and phrases than the first. So please, if you have a kid reading behind your shoulder – can you make him/her play with lego in the meanwhile?

Thanks to HEARII for letting me borrow FOID (Friends Of Impending Doom). It was too funny to resist.

(Page Break)

It was with no trepidation that Rukia made her way to Inoue's apartment. Of course, there was a part of her wondering just what kind of get-together the other woman was planning, but Rukia was pretty confident that it wasn't that bad.

Belatedly, she wondered how Ichigo was faring. Of course she wasn't worried, since Renji and Nii-sama were there anyway.

Finally, she reached her destination. Rukia quickly rang the doorbell, it was cold and she wanted to be indoors where it was warm.

Inoue flung open the door excitedly, "Kuchiki-san!" she squealed, "Come in!"

"Ah, thank you, Inoue."

"Everyone's here already!"

"Excuse me? Everyone?"

Whatever it was that Inoue said was blocked as Rukia stepped in and closed the door.

From behind the shadows, a small creature crept out slowly.

"Hehe, there is NO way I'd miss, Rukia nee-san's bridal shower…" the creature cackled softly. "All of the shinigami women are here, including the goddess of the heavenly valley!"

Kon smiled perversely at the idea of a roomful of women needing a cute mascot.

(Page Break)

"Oh."

Rukia was surprised to see Tatsuki, Yuzu, and Karin. Of course, the members of the Shinigami Women's Association were there too – even Yoruichi. Did Inoue invite all the seated female shinigami of Soul Society?

"Okay, so its time for dinner." Inoue announced cheerfully. "I'm sorry to bother you, Kuchiki-san; but can you help me bring in the food from the kitchen, so the girls can finish clearing the table?"

Rukia didn't think that it was polite to mention to Inoue and the others that the table was already cleared. If they wanted a reason for her to be out of the room, she'd help them. "Um, sure, its not a bother."

Wordlessly, she followed a relieved-looking Inoue.

As soon as the two were out of earshot, Karin hissed at Matsumoto, "Are you sure this will work? We could just send her to a doctor or something; they can explain –

"Don't worry, she's in good hands with us." Matsumoto assured the Kurosaki girl. "Why did you think we invite you here anyway? You can learn a thing or two as well."

"Thank you, but we have Sex Ed class." Yuzu offered shyly.

"Then why the hell is Rukia ignorant?" Yoruichi thought aloud.

"It's pretty obvious that Kuchiki Taicho has something to do with this." Scoffed Matsumoto. "And I expected a lot from him too. Considering that he was married before, you'd think that he's the first to let her know about the birds and the bees."

Ise Nanao looked at Matsumoto, "But are you sure that she doesn't know anything? I mean, Kurosaki Ichigo ought to know; he's a doctor."

"Well, Inoue swears she heard it from Ichigo's father." Supplied Tatsuki, "I mean, he's ought to know, right?"

"Very well then," Yorouichi said, "we will take his words seriously. But if he's wrong…"

Unohana Taicho smiled "That won't be the first. Isshin can be quite the prankster too."

"I'll give him a sound beating." Karin promised.

"Good." Yoruichi chuckled. "Now, did you all bring that something that Rukia will be using?"

The others all nodded.

"A question, if I may." Karin interrupted again "Why are we giving Rukia-nee something that will 'seduce the stuffing' out of my brother anyway? I mean, the guys are already teaching him HOW as of this moment."

Yoruichi shook her head. "Goodness, girl, you're brother is SO dense about sex! I mean, no matter what technique they teach Ichigo will not work if he freezes up or mumbles like a moron."

"Eh?" Tatsuki asked, "Ichigo freezes up? No way that happens!"

"When he fights, sure. But when he sees a naked woman," scoffed Yoruichi, "The boy clams up. At that rate, nothing is ever going to happen between them."

"HOW do you know that, Yoruichi?" Unohana Taicho asked. "Don't tell me Kurosaki-kun saw you naked?"

The women waited with bated breath. It soon turned into surprise as the former princess of the Shihouin clan smiled in smug satisfaction.

" NO WAY!" Karin hissed.

"Yoruichi-sama!" Soi Fon said worriedly in disapproval.

"Well, its not like I flashed him or something." Yoruichi assured the others. "I showed my true form to him once; naturally, a cat has no clothing, so I didn't. You should have see the look on his face." She chuckled. "I thought he was going to faint from embarrassment. In fact, there was a time when his wounds opened up because he was fidgeting around so much!"

Tatsuki shook her head at disbelief, though a large smile was starting to show on her face. "That idiot!"

"He can take on hollows and even shinigami Taichos, but he can't take seeing a woman naked." Mused Ise Fukutaicho in amusement. "And he's even at that age where it's natural for a man to want to be with a woman intimately."

Beside her, Matsumoto was laughing quietly. "Oh god!" she heaved in between chuckles. "He's really that much of a prude… the poor virgin boy!"

"Which is why we have to let Rukia initiate sex." Yoruichi said matter-of-factly. "If she can get him aroused past embarrassment, then Ichigo would probably be able to remember what the guys taught him."

"Or make him act on instinct." Added Unohana Taicho.

"Well, I guess that's a sound idea." Karin mumbled, her face red. Gods alive, why did they talk her into this? It was one thing to laugh at an inexperienced man, but it was another when it was her own brother.

"I'm sure Rukia-nee will do fine." A similarly red-faced Yuzu said weakly.

"Um, well…" Kiyone spoke for the first time, "Is Yachiru fukutaicho okay to be here? I mean she's still young…"

"Don't worry about me." Kusajishi Yachiru said proudly, "I know ALL there is about sex! Ken-chan already told me last year!"

The women gave the pink haired fukutaicho a disbelieving glare.

"Yeah, I asked him about it once after I went to the hot springs with bun hair fukutaicho.."

"And he explained it to you?" Matsumoto asked in disbelief. True, Zaraki was a bloodthirsty man, but he was pretty much protective about Yachiru (unless she was fighting hollows and stuff), and they expected him to be cautious when dealing with the discussion on sex with her.

"You; you should have seen his face! It was so red!" Yachiru said, laughing about it hysterically. "I've never seen Ken-chan so embarrassed before!"

It was an unspoken agreement between the female shinigami to have this information bought to the Sou-Taicho as soon as possible. For Zaraki Taicho to teach the facts of life in such a careless way to a shinigami who was still to reach puberty – in shinigami terms that is; it was an offensive crime.

Really, what was wrong with the male Taichos who were supposed to be father figures?

Never let a man do a woman's job.

"Oh wonderful, the table is all ready!" the perky voice of Inoue drifted in as she and Rukia stepped inside, each carrying a tray laden with an assortment of food that she painstakingly prepared earlier.

"So…" Rukia trailed, "we're a lot of people here. What's the occasion?"

"Um…"

"Midget-chan's getting married, and we're here to support her!" Yachiru said excitedly. The others hurriedly tried to shush her up.

Fortunately, Rukia was still affronted with the word midget, and she remained unaware of their plot.

"Hehe," Inoue said, "We're here to offer you our heartfelt congratulations, Kuchiki-san…"

"But you just said it during my engagement party." she pointed out. "Why are you repeating it?"

Yoruichi immediately grabbed the said bride-to-be in a tight clasp around her neck. "Look, we WANT to congratulate you again. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Um…no."

"Right, now just shut up and let us all eat in peace."

In the back of her mind, Rukia wondered what kind of trouble did she get herself into. Beside her, Inoue decided to heap her plate with a dozen of unfamiliar-looking food. Well, hopefully Inoue's reported skills in the culinary arts would not leave her in the hospital.

Of course, it was very tempting to just see the bewilderment and surprise on Ichigo's face when they postpone the wedding.

Then again, a reprieve could very well be the chance for Nii-sama to take back his blessing. Now that, in Ichigo's words, would be a fucking bummer.

"Do you have any sweets, jiggly?" Yachiru asked Inoue.

"Are you sure it won't spoil your dinner, Yachiru-chan?"

Yachiru pondered on it. "Well, I THINK Ken-chan said that it will, but I don't think it will. MAYBE, I remember there was this ONE incident where he shouted 'I'll kill the fucking bastard who gave Yachiru chocolates!" Yachiru said, imitating the menacing tone of Zaraki. "Who the hell gave her chocolates after 6pm, you maggots? When I catch you, you better pray you drop dead or I'll make you!"

The surprised women just looked at the pink-haired fukutaicho.

"I guess, it happened because I played doll-dough with the flour supply in the kitchen and they didn't have any breakfast the next day." She smiled. "But I guess, I can eat the sweets, jiggly."

Inoue gave a nervous laughter as she eyed her prized set of chinaware. "Um, I'd LOVE to give you chocolates Yachiru-chan; but I'm afraid I ran out of it yesterday…"

"Oh, that's just too bad…"

Yoruichi patted the kid on the head. "Maybe Zaraki will bring you candies later. Who knows, he might be planning to surprise you."

"Really, kitty-woman?"

Oh yeah, it will be a surprise, all right.

"Oh…this is delicious, Inoue-san!" Kiyone said, "Can I bring some of these for Taicho later?"

"I have to agree that the roast pork is superb." Unohana agreed. "My compliments."

Inoue smiled, "Thank you! I'm afraid I ran out of red bean paste, so I was unable to put in any…"

Matsumoto pouted. "Oh, that's just so bad; I was looking forward to eat that again…"

The others exchanged relieved looks. Thank god there was no red bean paste.

(Page Break)

After a relatively worry-free diner, Inoue and Yuzu cleared the table. Rukia was wondering why everyone was looking at her strangely, but since everyone seemed busy rummaging through their things, she just kept quiet.

A Kuchiki was expected to know how to keep quiet and pretend to see nothing happening.

Wordlessly, Yoruichi took hold of Rukia's arm and brought her over to the spacious living room. "So… Rukia… Since you're going to get married in 2 days, we thought it would be a good idea to give you our good luck presents."

"But, you all gave me presents already…" Rukia said haltingly, wondering what was going on. Seriously, she wasn't THIS paranoid before, but since everyone treated her and Ichigo as if they were made of glass, or they expected them to drop down dead any moment; Rukia figured out that being paranoid was the way to go.

"Well we wanted to give you something again." Matsumoto said, "This one can't be given in front of all the guests."

"Why?"

Yoruichi chuckled. "We're going to give you presents you can use on your honeymoon."

"Excuse me?" Rukia asked again, all too aware that her face was slowly heating up.

"Honestly, Kuchiki-dono! Quit saying 'excuse me' and 'what?' all the time." Kiyone said, as she carried a box into the middle of the room.

"Look Rukia," sighed Matsumoto. "You're going on your honeymoon; you've been given TWO WEEKS OFF by your considerate Taicho – you are just so lucky, you know?" she grabbed the other by her shoulders. "The least you can do is to take advantage of it and have two weeks of as many mind-blowing sex that you can get; because once you report back to work, you'll be so busy with your shinigami and fukutaicho duties that you and Ichigo will be going through sexual withdrawal for many, many, many days." Matsumoto finished the last part with an ominous tone.

Now, Rukia did turn an intense shade of scarlet, she looked sun burnt.

But Matsumoto was not yet done. "Besides, I'm sure there will be cases where you have to stay in Soul Society for a few days during the week; your finger can only do so much without proper mental stimulation…"

Turning to look at the others, Rukia saw them all nod in assent. Of course, there were some who were blushing so hard – like Tatsuki, Inoue, Momo, Karin, and Yuzu; but even they were in silent agreement with Matsumoto.

"Matsumoto…" she started in a strangled whisper, "Are you by chance trying to turn me into a sex fiend or something?"

Matsumoto looked affronted. "Sex fiend? No one is a sex fiend in Seretei, Rukia."

Everyone noticed that she was giving her best friend, Ise Nanao sly and covert looks though.

"Hey!" the bespectacled fukutaicho of the 8th division squeaked.

Yoruichi laughed. "Don't worry, Rukia; being a sex fiend is the least of your worries. Unless that husband-to-be of yours is THAT good… considering his impressive stamina and all…"

"Yoruichi-san!" Soi Fon muttered in embarrassment.

"But that topic's for next time." Yoruichi said brightly, heartily slapping the back of a nearly catatonic Rukia. "We'll take one sexual escapade at a time."

There was a deathly silence (NO pun intended, AGAIN) that seemed to fill the room.

Oh god, thought Rukia, she was struck by the FOIDS. There was no way she was going to be able to escape this.

Then Yachiru piped up. "The finger, big boobies? What do you use that for in sex, anyway?"

(Page Break)

"Okay, so Rukia, remember that the goal is to drive Ichigo wild with unrestrained lust." Matsumoto said, as she gave the other a suggestive wink. "You have to entice him, make him see that there is a worthy goal, get his blood running –

"Yes, yes, I know that part." Rukia said hastily. "Please Matsumoto, get to the point! Why is everyone in here anyway?"

"I'm glad this girl is not that clueless." Yourichi muttered before calling out to the bride-to-be. "Oi, Rukia; we're all here to give you stuff and pointers on how to whet Ichigo's appetite. I mean, sure, you two had done some pretty heavy stuff already like kissing, necking, petting –

"The point, Yoruichi-san, for the love of all holy, please get to the point!" a now-frustrated Rukia shrieked, as she was now tugging on her hair.

Inoue immediately handed her friend a small brown paper bag. "Breathe, Kuchiki-san, you're hyperventilating!"

"Oh all right, the girls and I came up with the idea to give you stuff that are guaranteed to get Ichigo all horny on your honeymoon."

For a second, Rukia thought that the older shinigami was jesting. But seeing the grim looks on all of their faces, she knew without question that Yoruichi was dead serious.

"We needed to give you something that will help 'nudge' Ichigo to be in the mood." Matsumoto added patiently, as if she was talking to a 5-year old. Which was, of course pretty weird, since no one in his or her right mind would talk about sex so bluntly to a kid. "I mean, you can't just look at each other during those two weeks right? You got to initiate, grab him, and restrain him –

Oh god, the situation was just so laughable! Rukia wanted to shake Matsumoto and tell her that Ichigo, in fact, had been 'in the mood' for WEEKS now. He didn't need to say anything; Rukia could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her. She would have to be pretty blind or dense not to see that he was just itching to – what was that word? Oh yes, RAVISH her pretty much in public.

Rukai wanted to scream and tell them that each time Ichigo TRIED to get her clothing off, someone was just INTERRUPTING them. Maybe, if they wanted to help, they could just leave them alone for a while so they could get FINALLY have the – to quote Matsumoto – mind-blowing sex that everyone was trying to get them to make.

"Okay, so she's just officially snapped." Tatsuki said as she saw Rukia laugh hysterically.

"Here, let me." Kiyone said, "This is a trick Kaien-dono used to do when he was still… well, alive. Hey, Kuchiki-dono!" Grabbing a glass of water, Kiyone threw the contents straight at Rukia's face.

Spluttering, Rukia glared at the 3rd seat of her division. "What the hell was that for, Kiyone!" she yelled. "Are you trying to kill me or something?"

Matsumoto quickly took hold of Rukia and placed her in a bear hug, nearly smothering her against her huge breasts. "Calm down, Rukia! Calm down! Don't worry, the girls and I will make sure that your honeymoon will be a night – no, make it NIGHTS – to remember!"

"Let's bring out the presents!" Inoue shouted, "Out with the sex toys and such!"

"Are you sure we're not going overboard?" Karin asked her twin in wonder, while checking if her future-sister-in-law was still breathing; being strangled by Matsumoto's boobs can be deadly... Yup, she was still flailing, so she was still okay.

"Oh goodie!" Chirped Yachiru, "We're getting toys too!"

(Page Break)

Rukia sat primly, as Ichigo's sisters handed her their present. It was a square box that had a blue ribbon on top.

"Well?" Inoue said, "Why don't you open it, Kuchiki-san…"

"Now?" Finally relenting, Rukia carefully un-wrapped the gift

"Oh come on, the suspense is killing me…" Kiyone said.

"Kiyone!" her sister, Isane cried, "Don't rush her!"

As Rukia took out the top of the box and lifted out the gift, the women gave off sighs of appreciation.

Karin and Yuzu gave Rukia a short, sinfully sheer chiffon peignoir set in a fire engine-red color. The high-waist set had a lacey trim on its hem and deep neckline, to draw the attention to both the bust and the legs. Not that it needed any, since the scrap of clothing could not really be considered as a 'decent' cover-up. Rukia was sure that even her own soul would be seen when she wears this. As for the bodice, it was held closed by some loosely tied red silk laces that were guaranteed to become undone with just a well-placed tug, enough to allow the entire thing to slip from the shoulders and pool down on the floor. To compensate for the racy garment, the matching robe was fairly long, yet it too was still sheer enough to hide much.

Yes, Rukia could already imagine the reaction Ichigo would have on his face when she came out wearing that.

"WOW!" Matsumoto said in reverence. "That would definitely work, Rukia! If that doesn't turn Ichigo on, I don't know WHAT would."

"Okay so this is where MY gift would come in handy." A smirking Yoruichi said. "Remember Rukia, if that doesn't work, take it OFF."

"In front of Kurosaki-kun?" gasped Inoue, "But guys aren't supposed to spy on women, even if they're already married."

"Are you SURE we don't need to give you THE TALK, Orihime?" Matsumoto asked.

"Orihime, did you forget that Ichigo's supposed to take it off?"

"Ah yes, sorry about that, Tatsuki." A red-faced Inoue said. "I'm just used to say that to all women, it doesn't hurt to be careful of perverts… I mean, not that Kurosaki-kun is a pervert… he's just weird sometimes, but he's funny too…" she rambled on.

Absently, Rukia touched the fabric with one finger. It glided easily over the chiffon, which was cool to the touch. A hint of a blush found its way to her cheeks while a small shiver went up her spine as she slowly realized the potential this peignoir held. "Thank you, Karin, Yuzu." She said quietly, her voice laced with wonder. Slowly she lifted it up so she could see it even closer. The material was so sheer; she could see the light through it. As if in a trance, Rukia held the fabric I front of her, as if trying to get the feel of it on her skin. "It feels…so cool and smooth…"

Oh, Rukia had no doubts that this thing would probably be discarded quickly. Considering the flimsy material it was made of, it would be of no surprise if this would be ripped apart when Ichigo sees it. She made a mental note to ask Yuzu or Karin where she could buy an extra pair or two… This was definitely a trump card worth investing in. Maybe she ought to buy one in white, one in black, or even another red one.

Yuzu beamed happily. "I'm glad you like it, Rukia-nee."

Seeing the reactions playing on her blushing future sister-in-law, Karin gave a smirk before telling her twin, "Well, I'd say we hit the jackpot, Yuzu."

"Yuzu, Karin; you must tell me just WHERE you bought that." Yoruichi said; a bit dazed after looking at the peignoir as Rukia held it. Normally, she would avoid purchasing clothing, since she really didn't need it – not where Kisuke was concerned, anyway. But she had to admit; the peignoir would definitely be FUN.

By the way everyone was waiting for the reply from the Kurosaki twins, Yoruichi was willing to bet that they too were dying to know where it came from.

Wordlessly, Karin handed the woman a flier advertising a newly opened lingerie store in Karakura.

"We are so going on a shopping trip tomorrow." Matsumoto announced cheerfully.

"Aye." The women all said.

Somewhere outside the window, a small figure was huddled against the window, face pressed against the cold glass. Kon's beady eyes were trained on the peignoir that his nee-san was holding. "Oh… such an amazing piece of cloth… so light … so smooth… so transparent…"

He didn't even bother wiping the drool forming down the corner of his mouth (figuratively, of course; Kon was not an idiot to forget that he was still a stuffed animal). "I wonder if I can make it into nee-san's luggage…"

(Page Break)

"Now here's MY gift!" Inoue said proudly, as she handed Rukia a brightly colored box. "I so hope that you'll enjoy this, Kuchiki-san! Have fun!"

"Aa." Rukia muttered as she opened the box. "What is THIS?" she asked in confusion as she held up the said item in the air. It was quite long, oddly shaped, and it seemed to be a mechanism of sorts. It also came in a shocking neon green color…

"It's a glow-in-the dark vibrator, Kuchiki-san!"

Tatsuki immediately looked at Inoue, "Orihime, Kuchiki-san's getting married, why in the world did you get her a vibrator?"

"Well… maybe Kuchiki-san could… um… what did the saleswoman say again?"

Wordlessly, Rukia looked at the object. Finding a certain button, she pressed it; immediately, the said object started to move and hum quietly. "Um… Inoue, is this supposed to move this way?"

"I've heard of that!" Squealed Matsumoto as she looked at the weird object moving in Rukia's hands.

Rukia thought carefully if she had ever seen one. True, back at Todai there were female students who were talking about 'vibrators' in the toilets, but Rukia has never seen one before, so she was unsure about what this does. Neither was it on display in the store where she and Ichigo bought their groceries every weekend. "Yoruichi-san, does Urahara sell stuff like this at the shoten?"

The woman tried to hide her laughter from the other shinigami. "I'm sorry Rukia, but Kisuke doesn't sell that at his shoten, he just wouldn't."

"Really?" asked Inoue, "But the woman at the store assured me that that particular brand was popular."

Yoruichi recalled the time where she 'innocently' asked Kisuke if he was selling a vibrator because she felt like buying one. The former Taicho of the 12th division looked affronted at her and asked in disbelief why would she get a substitute when she got the real deal at her disposal.

Baiting Kisuke was really fun, and very… pleasurable as well.

"Human women use that whenever they are alone." Yoruichi said smiling at the stupefied looks in the others' faces.

Well, Matsumoto didn't seem to be confused, as a smile of her own slowly surfaced. "You better bring that to Soul Society with you Rukia. It might come in handy when you stay over for several days without your husband."

The suggestive wink that the older shinigami gave her clued Rukia in. Fortunately, she was a smart girl and she immediately knew what it meant. Her face once again turned into a pretty shade of red.

"It's a TOY!" chirped Yachiru as she grabbed the vibrator from the hands of an unsuspecting Rukia. "Can I have it Jiggly? I'd like to bring it back to our barracks and show it to Ken-chan!"

Inoue paled. "Um, Yachiru, I'll just give you another one, okay? That's Kuchiki-san's…"

"But I like how it looks!" she said, looking at it curiously. "HOW do you use this thing?"

"Um… its only for those who are getting married!" Inoue, Tatsuki, Matsumoto, and even Rukia all cried out at the same time.

If Zaraki finds out about them showing a vibrator to Yachiru, they were so dead.

"Oh, then I'll have to get married, right?"

"Kusajishi fukutaicho," Unohana said gently, "You don't just get married on a whim; marriage entails responsibilities."

"Like what?"

Unohana gave it consideration before answering. "Well, first, your husband-to-be should love and care for you. He should be able to have a job to support you financially, providing you with a home. Third, your family must accept him and give their approval." The Taicho of the 4th division gave the child a gentle smile. "I suppose that Zaraki Taicho won't just allow you to marry any man; in fact, I suspect that he will only allow you to if the young man can beat him or give him a good fight."

The others all nodded in agreement.

Yachiru thought about it. "Hmm… Okay, I'll marry Icchy then!"

"I'm marrying him, Yachiru!" Rukia gasped, "You should find your own husband!"

"Rukia, she's just a kid!" Matsumoto warned. "Yachiru-chan, pick another guy; I'm afraid Ichigo doesn't love you…"

Yachiru pondered for a while. "Byakushi's rich…what about him?"

"You want to marry Nii-sama?"

"Yachiru fukutaicho, Byakuya Taicho has NO FEELINGS!" Tatsuki said, but she immediately mouthed an apology to her fukutaicho for insulting her brother.

"Um… Ukitake Taicho?" the child asked again.

"NO WAY you skinny little brat!" Shouted Kiyone.

Her sister, Isane, gave her a scandalized look. "Calm yourself, Kiyone."

"Would you like to marry Mayuri-sama?" Nemu asked.

"Hell NO!" Most of the women cried out at the same time, while shuddering. If there were anyone they'd chose to marry LAST, it would be the freakish Mayuri Taicho of the 12th division.

"UM… What about Kira-kun?" Momo asked timidly.

"Yeah, like Zaraki wouldn't kill his wimpy ass." Sneered Matsumoto. "Then again, the way he trembles, he could be lucky enough to avoid being sliced in two."

"Okay, how about Hisagi-san?" Inoue asked, "He seems nice."

Beside her, Nanao shook her head. "Too perverted. I doubt Zaraki Taicho would even let him near Yachiru fukutaicho."

"Well, maybe Abarai-san?" Momo asked again, thinking about another friend of hers.

"As if!" Sneered Tatsuki. "Who'd want a boorish idiot like him who just enjoys brawls and has so may vices? I mean any woman can do better that that stupid Abarai!"

The women looked at Tatsuki curiously.

The karate expert blushed, "I mean, he's obviously still hung up on Kuchiki-san, right?"

"Hey!" Rukia cried out.

"Right, like you don't notice him looking at you?" Tatsuki said hotly.

Rukia frowned. "Three years ago, perhaps; but Arisawa-san, he's looking at other girls now, not me."

"Oh."

"I know!" Shouted Yachiru triumphantly, "This is perfect! He's strong, he has a position, he likes me, and Ken-chan would love to fight him!"

"Who?" Unohana asked.

"Shiro-kun Taicho!"

Matsumoto, who was in the process of drinking a glass of soda spluttered and choked, "Listen here missy, there is NO way MY Taicho likes you!"

"He gives me candies!"

"Its only because he doesn't like the candies that were given to him by Ukitake Taicho!"

"How do you know? I say Shiro-kun Taicho likes me!"

Matsumoto snorted, "How would I know? I'm a WOMAN Yachiru, I KNOW these things!"

"That has nothing to do with this, big boobies! He's going to marry me!"

"He's supposed to propose to you FIRST." Matsumoto ground out. "You'd have more luck with Kuchiki Taicho than my Taicho."

"You know," Karin said as she looked at her shocked twin, "Shinigamis are really weird."

"I agree."

From outside, Kon was smiling like an idiot as he looked at the chaos that was happening. "Oh wow, girl fight! I hope someone gets this on tape!"

(Page Break)

It took a while, but finally the small commotion in Inoue's living room was resolved. It only ended when Yachiru was given peppermint candies by Yuzu and after Rukia promised to formally 'introduce' Yachiru to her nii-sama – when she grew up, of course.

"I'm sure Byakushi will come around and like me, midget." Yachiru assured a baffled Rukia. "I mean, he attended the Shinigami Women Association's meetings when you were absent; and I'M the president of that. I think he likes me. Besides," she added confidently, "He shoved a sweet bun into my mouth during a meeting with the other fukutaichos, and nothing says I LOVE YOU more than candy or anything sweet." She prattled. "Wait… but Big Shiro-Taicho always gives candies to Shiro-kun Taicho; does that mean, Big Shiro-Taicho loves Shiro-Kun Taicho?"

Matsumoto and Kiyone nearly choked on their drinks.

"Anyway, I'll marry Byakushi, midget; and I expect a LOT of candies and that vibra-thingie from everyone. I want to have it in pink too." Yachiru finished with a flourish.

Hopefully, by the time Yachiru grows up, she would have forgotten about it.

Rukia was now wondering how Ichigo was faring. By this time, she realized that whatever was happening to her was planned by someone.

Obviously, her fiancée was going through a similar thing right now.

Ichigo better not be enjoying his evening or she will kill him herself.

She wondered if it was possible for her to hightail it from here and head back home for a nice, hot bath. Unfortunately, everyone seems to be careful about keeping her in plain sight, that Rukia knew she was in for a tough time should she try escaping. Yoruichi was there, for one. The goddess of flash would probably just out-shunpo her and bring her back, wrapped in bandages or something. Two, Ise Nanao and Hinamori Momo; these two were the kidou geniuses of Seretei, and despite Rukia being exceptionally skilled enough to be considered at par with them there was no way she could go up against TWO kidou masters at the same time.

She wished that Nii-sama was here, at least, in his presence the women won't take too many liberties with her. Then again, Rukia belatedly realized that if anyone needed Nii-sama right now, it would be Ichigo.

Unless of course Kurosaki Isshin was added into the messy equation as well.

"Okay, so it's my turn now." Tatsuki said as she handed Rukia a bulky package that she eyed uncomfortably. "It's not really perverse you know." She told the suspicious shinigami. "Of course, that depends on how you see it."

Without a word, Rukia unwrapped the gift. "Um… Tatsuki, why did you give me loads of energy drinks?"

The women all laughed.

"My, my, I know Ichigo has monstrous stamina, but Tatsuki, it's brilliant of you to cover all the bases." Chuckled Yoruichi. "That way, they could pull out an all-nighter…"

"Shesh, its not like we won't be there for a week…" said Rukia, though she was blushing.

Tatsuki was also a bit red-faced, "Well um… you can bring that if you plan to venture outdoors like go hiking or kayaking…"

"I'm sure the those two won't be going out that much." Nanao said a bit smugly. "It's their honeymoon, they're entitled to hole up for as long as they can."

"The way Ichigo's looking at her, I don't think those two will be outdoors throughout their stay." Crowed Matsumoto.

"Soi Fon?"

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?"

"I think you can give your gift to Rukia now."

"As you wish." Quickly, the Taicho of the 2nd division and the chief of the Secret Mobile Corps stepped up to push in a trolley that had a very large, lacquered chest.

The others looked at it in interest.

"Wow, that seems quite special." Isane said appreciatively, as she eyed the intricate designs etched on the chess.

Soi Fon nodded, "What I'm saying is strictly classified because it's records does not exist in any way; but I have never sent one of my men into the living world for a reconnaissance mission to look into the… sexual habits of those in the living world."

"That's impressive…" Kiyone said, "What did they find out?" at the warning look at Soi Fon's face, she added, "I mean, what DIDN'T they find out?"

"Open the box."

Rukia immediately sat down beside the large chest and opened it. Inside was a body-hugging leather outfit; which was of a one-piece black suit that had big metal buckles and clasps all over. It was no means modest, as it exposed bits of skin along the chest, back, stomach, and hips. The entire outfit had a matching pair of ankle-high boots that had 4-inches of heels.

"Don't forget, there's a whip included." Soi Fon said.

"Oooh, naughty; VERY naughty." Yoroichi said, impressed at how well-made the thing was.

Inoue peered into the chest, "Um, Kuchiki-san, there's something underneath."

Soi Fon gave the girl a hard look "Like we only gave one."

"We?" Nanao asked, "Who else is with you on this, Soi Fon-Taicho?"

Inoue gave a squeal, "Oh this is cute!" she gushed as she held up a very short French Maid's uniform in the air. "This will look good on you, Kuchiki-san! It even has a feather duster and a cap!"

The Taicho just shrugged, "The nonexistent members of my secret mobile corps, of course."

Rukia gasped, "The entire Secret Mobile Corps KNOWS about this?"

This was not good. There was a nagging thought that was eating at her brain… she remembered encountering a member of the SMC years ago, when she followed Ichigo to his mother's grave. If THAT weirdo shinigami had something to do with this –

"Hey, there's even a nurse uniform." Tatsuki said, as she showed a short nurse's outfit, complete with a clipboard and tray-full of 'medicines.'

"No ONE knows about this. Especially not the nonexistent members of the secret mobile corps." Soi Fon stressed, giving Rukia her most severe glare.

"Rukia-nee," Karin said, "There's also a naughty school girl uniform here."

"Huh?" Rukia turned to see an altered and sexed-up version of the high-school uniform that she wore before, when she masqueraded as a teenager. Seeing just how short the skirt and just how sheer the top was, Rukia turned slightly red.

Instinctively she knew that Ichigo 'Kurosaki-sensei' would love that.

"There's even a… Playboy Bunny outfit here as well." Yuzu announced with a hint of embarrassment in her voice.

"Oh, what's this outfit called?" asked Matsumoto as she pulled out a skimpy, sequined, bikini that was paired with a sheer pair of loose chiffon pants.

"That's a genie outfit." Tatsuki explained. "In popular tales, a female genie appears from out of an old bottle to grant all their masters' wildest dreams."

"This one's good." Matsumoto grinned. "I don't doubt that Ichigo would say 'no' to that, Rukia."

Inoue giggled. "Kuchiki-san better practice saying 'Your Wish Is My Command, Master' in secret until she leaves for her honeymoon! That'll be fun!"

"Well, at least thanks to Soi Fon here, you and Ichigo can have a very varied and eventful honeymoon." Yoruichi said as she glanced at Rukia who was eyeing the 'bunny' outfit with barely restrained interest.

"Wow!" Gushed Yachiru, "There's a cute dress here, look, and its just like what a little girl would wear!"

Everyone's jaw dropped as the pink-haired fukutaicho held out a short loli dress that was done in many shades of pink with lots of lace and ribbons. The ensemble was complete with dozens of hair ribbons and pink, small shoes, plus a cute little teddy bear. "Aww… midget, you'll look like a cute little girl here, a very pretty one in fact! I think Icchy will love this!"

The women turned to look at Rukia closely, as if trying to gauge her.

"Come to think of it, is that the reason why Ichigo likes pre-pubescent looking girls like her, when women with developed figures chase him all the time?" Matsumoto asked in a stage whisper to Nanao.

"She's looking at you…" her friend warned.

"We should just ask Ichigo then."

"Soi Fon."

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?" the captain asked immediately as her idol called her name in a tightly controlled voice.

"Who gave the suggestion regarding this particular outfit?"

"I really don't remember, Yoruichi-sama…."

"Hey, midget, if you're not wearing this, can I have it?" Yachiru asked again.

(Page Break)

After everyone had looked at the other 'costume clothing' that Soi Fon had bought - where even the usually reserved Isane fukutaicho, and Unohana Taicho pointed out which one was their favorite – the women decided to continue on with the program.

"I can't help but notice that you were particularly riveted to the Teacher costume, Ise fukutaicho. Do you wish to acquire one? I can perhaps not ask for another in your size."

The prim fukutaicho gave a strangled sort of sound. "Huh? Me? I wasn't…. no, not really…"

"Honestly Ise fukutaicho, I'm the superior officer of all the not members of the Secret Mobile Corps. I can tell when someone is hiding something from me."

"But –

"Ise."

Nanao flushed. "Uh, yes. Sorry…um, Taicho, I'd like the Teacher outfit, and the one for a Geisha…" she whispered hurriedly while the others were preoccupied with refilling glasses and setting aside some of the gifts.

"Consider it done."

"Errr…well…"

"Do not contact me, I will contact you myself. Understood?"

"Yes, Soi Fon Taicho!"

Inoue clapped her hands to get the attention of everyone. "Um, okay, so there are sandwiches and pork buns available, as well as refills for drinks, so no one gets hungry. Who wants to go next?"

Kiyone raised her hand "I'd like to give my present now, please."

"Oh sure, why not."

Clearing her throat, Kiyone handed Rukia a messily-wrapped present. "Excuse the wrapping, Kuchiki, it's just that Sentaro is an idiot who doesn't know how to wrap presents properly.

Smiling, Rukia accepted the gift. It was of a book, something she has never seen before.

Nearby, Matsumoto smiled as she realized what it was.

"The Shinigami Secrets… what is this, Kiyone?" Rukia asked as she leafed through the book.

Kiyone blushed at the question. "Um… well… Kuchiki…"

"Yey! Story time!" chirped Yachiru as she sat beside Rukia.

"It's the most graphic piece of literary work in the whole of Soul Society." Nanao said, as she pushed up her glasses nervously.

Suddenly, the bride-to-be who was reading turned REALLY red as she read a particular phrase from the book.

"Really?" Tatsuki asked, "You have that in the afterlife?"

"Arisawa-san," Unohana explained, "the souls in soul society has urges too… and that, well, it IS the most controversial book ever written.

"How do you know about it anyway Taicho?" Kiyone said; "I thought that it was mostly guys who read that…"

Unohana Taicho looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, a roommate of mine, back at the Shinigami Institute read that book as suggested by her then-current beau. She was a bit careless and left it lying around where I found it."

Rukia's eyes bulged almost out of their sockets as she continued to read the book.

"Like I'd pass an opportunity to read stuff like that! I bought one from the store, and it was frightfully expensive too…" Matsumoto said.

"Kyoraku Taicho has a limited edition copy of that in our division's library. He calls it, an educational experience for the new recruits."

"I'd like to ask, but are most of the shinigami in your world perverts?" Karin asked, "I mean, almost everyone I met IS."

"I'm NOT a pervert!" Rukia exclaimed hotly, as she let go of the book immediately. The thing hit the ground with a dull thump.

"Of course not, Rukia-nee; you're completely clueless about this." The dark-haired Kurosaki said as she tried to placate the other.

The bundle of bubbly pink known as Yachiru hurriedly took the book and leafed through it. "Eh? His… lips touched her … breasts… tho-through the thin fabric… of her yukata…his to-tongue traced the outline of…her …ni… pples…" she read haltingly. "Argh! But there's no pictures, how do I understand this?"

"Yachiru-fukutaicho!" Momo cried out as she attempted to grab the book from the younger shinigami. However, Yachiru proved to be faster, as she eluded Momo by climbing on top of the table and jumping over the others.

"Ne, bun girl," Yachiru asked Momo as she continued to weave out of the other's reaching range "Why does a guy touch your breast? Are you cleaning it or something, and he's helping you? Ken-chan didn't explain that part to me."

"Yachiru fukutaicho!" A now-blushing Momo cried out, "Please, give me the book!"

Suddenly, the goddess of flash was in between them. Before Yachiru or Momo could say anything, she grabbed the book and flashed to the end of the room. "It's not yet your bedtime, Yachiru. Maybe later, okay?"

"You promise?"

"Tell you what," Yoruichi said, "We'll let Zaraki read this for you, okay?"

"Yoruichi-san!" Unohana warned in a soft yet stern voice.

"Deal!"

Nanao cleared her throat; "Kuchiki fukutaicho, this is my present. Please be careful not to break it."

With care, Rukia unwrapped the pouch. It was of a medium-sized bottle of the most expensive kind of sake in the whole of Sereitei. "Um, Ise fukutaicho, what is this about?"

"Well, you ought to relax, Kuchiki fukutaicho; I mean, most women fear that the first time they indulge in carnal acts will be extremely painful and discomforting. You wouldn't want to go all hysterical when you see your husband's… well… his um…

"Just say it Nanao!" Matsumoto said impatiently, "Goodness, it's not like its taboo to say –

"His thing!" Nano was able to spit out, though she looked visibly embarrassed

"Like you haven't seen a dick before."

"Like you don't see it ALL the time?"

"Nanao, you're the one with the boyfriend, not me!"

Nanao flushed red "I do NOT have a boyfriend, Rangiku!"

"Please," Matsumoto said in an 'I-may-be-a-blonde-but-my-brain-is-proportional-to-my-bust-size' tone "What do you call Kyoraku-Taicho then?"

"He is my Taicho, Matsumoto!"

"Ooohh, Taicho with benefits…"

Nanao just pushed the frame of her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "As I was saying, when you first see your husband's THING, you might experience a panic attack. Of course, I'm not saying that you may, but honestly, if you see just how HUGE –

Karin and Yuzu covered their ears, no way would they listen to something discussing their brother's THING no matter how huge or whatever it was supposed to be.

"Thank you for the sake, Ise fukutaicho." Rukia hastily interrupted, bowing deeply to divert the other's attention. "I greatly appreciate it."

Nanao visibly relaxed as Matsumoto pouted.

"Now then, I suppose. It would be our turn next." Unohana Taicho said, smiling gently before motioning to her fukutaicho. "Isane? Can you bring the present here, please?"

"Of course, Taicho." Isane then stood and took out a fairly large box and presented it to Rukia. "This is from the Taicho and I; may we wish you a long and happy life with Kurosaki-kun?"

Rukia smiled as well. "Thank you, both for the gift and for the wish, Unohana Taicho, Isane fukutaicho."

Carefully, Rukia undid the ribbons so she could open the box. Inside were a collection of candles, incense, and oils. They were grouped into two, divided only by a narrow wood plank set in the middle. "Oh… thank you for these."

Unohana smiled. "The items on the left are for relaxing, the ones on the right are guaranteed to arouse the libidos of you and your husband. It is proven that there are certain scents that increase the sexual drive; I hope that would be useful."

Yachiru took a bottle and sniffed it. "Um, braidy-lady," she said "I think you were duped by the one who sold it… it doesn't DO anything to arouse my um… libido?"

"Ah…ehehe, thank you again…" murmured Rukia as she took back the bottle from Yachiru and carefully replaced the cover of the box as the other women were now seriously doubting the wisdom of allowing Yachiru to join them.

"Kuchiki-san." Nemu called out, "Would you want a gigai to practice techniques with?"

"What?" the women all asked, slack-jawed at the question of the 12th division fukutaicho.

Nemu looked unconcerned. "Well, Mayuri-sama built one for Kurosaki Ichigo-san, as per the request of your friend, Asana Keigo-san…"

Rukia looked livid, Keigo was SO dead the next time she saw him! It really was a good thing that Nii-sama and Renji were with Ichigo, at least Keigo wouldn't be able to do anything that was remotely perverted.

"Mayuri made a gigai?" Yoruichi laughed, "And just HOW did he expect it to work? His gikongan pills are messy and completely idiotic!"

Nemu bowed "Asano Keigo-san asked for the assistance of Urahara-san to create a new modsoul pill specifically for a purpose alone." She held up a small pouch and showed that it had a modsoul pill and an updated version of the shinigami death glove to remove the said pill from the gigai.

From outside the window, Kon's eyes lit up with a particularly fun idea. "Hehee… I've got you all, ladies…" he muttered in perverse delight. "It's going to be a fun night with each and everyone of you." Quickly, he got off his perch.

"That is forbidden, Mayuri fukutaicho." Unohana said, slight disapproval seen on her face.

"Let me look at the gigai!" Matsumoto called out, "Let's see if it's hot enough!"

"Matsumoto!" Nanao cried out in warning.

"Oh lighten up girls, it's just an empty gigai, no harm will come out of that!"

"Certainly." Nemu said in her usual monotone voice as she stood up to go to a closet.

Tatsuki looked at Inoue, "She keeps it THERE? In your coat closet?"

The other woman nodded. "She asked my permission earlier, don't worry about it Tatsuki, it really did look good!"

"Of course," Nemu explained (again in monotone), "I asked Mayuri-sama to pattern this gigai based on what was the popular notion of ideal specimen in Seretei."

"Roughly translated means Mayuri patterned it after the most desired man in Seretei." Yoruichi said.

Nemu brought the gigai out.

"Oh My God! It's a gigai like Kuchiki Byakuya!" shrieked Matsumoto in joy.

The gigai did look like Byakuya Taicho, and it was wearing an expensive-looking tuxedo, complete with the coat and the flower at the buttonhole.

"It does look very detailed…" Momo said, blushing slightly. "I mean the facial structure and build are eerily similar…"

Kiyone laughed, "Don't tell me you were checking out Kuchiki Taicho as well?"

Momo blushed harder, "No! It's just that everyone's talking about how he looks in our division EVERYDAY!"

"Don't hide it, Momo." Isane said, smiling as well, "We're all guilty of checking out Kuchiki Taicho one point in time anyway."

"He's such as good-looking guy…" sighed Matsumoto.

"A fine specimen indeed." Agreed Nanao. "I don't think there was ever a woman in Seretei who DIDN'T ogle him…"

"What am I, a guy?" Rukia asked affronted. "Last I checked, I'm a woman, and I didn't ogle Nii-sama!"

"Siblings are exempted, Rukia." Matsumoto said. "Despite the fact that you see him in such close proximity, I don't envy you that much. I mean, its not like I could jump him if I was adopted into his family right?"

Unohana looked carefully at the gigai. "Yes, Kuchiki Taicho is indeed a fine specimen of the opposite sex. It comes as no surprise that he was voted as the shinigami of the month for 2 consecutive years at the Shinigami Women's Association publication."

"I have his calendars," admitted Momo, "and um… Ukitake Taicho's too…"

"It's such a shame that he didn't remarry after his wife died…" Nanao said.

"I agree." Soi Fon added, "I have a rough estimate of the number of women pining for him."

"Eh?" Isane asked, "Really?"

Momo looked at Unohana "Taicho, what was his wife like?"

Unohana paused for a while. "She was a quiet and shy woman. Kuchiki Hisana also preferred to be alone most of the time, as she was very sickly. In fact, she looks like Kuchiki Rukia here – the similarities are too great."

Rukia just sat silently. Not many people were aware of that story. Nii-sama had taken only Unohana Taicho and her into his confidence, the day that he rescued her from Aizen and Gin; even the Kuchiki advisers and elders were not aware of the entire story on how she was adopted into the illustrious clan of the Kuchikis, or just how deep her connections was with the late lady of the noble Kuchiki house was.

When she became engaged to Ichigo, it was the only time that she let him in on the secret that even Renji had no idea about. It was only then that Ichigo was able to put aside some of his anger and irritation towards her brother; and though Ichigo found perverse happiness in upsetting Byakuya, he was able to tone it down to a minimum.

"That's kinda creepy." Matsumoto said, "I mean if we didn't know Kuchiki Taicho, we could have easily thought that he was trying to replace his dead wife with Rukia." Suddenly a thought struck her, "Wait! What if that was his plan all along? To groom his next wife!"

"That's preposterous, Matsumoto." Nanao said flatly. "You're over imagining things."

"Okay, so Byakushi's here, can I marry him now?" Yachiru whined. "And stop looking at him with drool on your mouths!"

(Page Break)

"Um… okay, so this is embarrassing." Momo said as she held out her gift to Rukia. It was of a small box that was wrapped in a royal blue paper. "I hope this helps…"

Carefully, Rukia opened the present. "Wow." She said as she held up the gift for everyone to see.

It was of a book on the different kinds of massages and it had instructions on all things - from the oils to use to the step-by-step procedures on how to go about each.

"It is very interesting." Mused Tatsuki, "A massage is a good way to start things up."

"Not only that, but since you two get tired from work everyday, a massage is a good way to unwind the body and mind." Unohana said, nodding in agreement.

"Wow Momo, how did you come up with this?" Isane said, "This is good!"

Momo blushed, "I went to this storey; but this woman was showing me all of these stuff that were embarrassing to buy, so I just asked for something to help make a person relax, and she suggested this." She held out her hand. "Let me try a relaxing massage for you, Kuchiki-san, you need it."

Immediately, Rukia sat closer with her back towards Momo.

Soon, the fukutaicho of the 5th division was busy kneading the muscles of Rukia's shoulders gently, applying just the right amount of pressure. As an addition, she also used a soothing kidou to de-stress the tired nerves.

Rukia gave a sigh of contentment. "Wow, Momo, you're good at this. Have you considered starting up a spa at Seretei?"

"She's THAT good?" Matsumoto asked incredulously.

"Seriously, I'd pay for it even through my nose, Matsumoto." Sighed Rukia as Momo continued to knead a particularly stubborn knot at her upper back.

"Well, Hinamori fukutaicho is excellent with kidou, it would help greatly." Unohana said as she observed the technique that the younger shinigami used.

Momo blushed at the praises. "Thank you, it's really not much big deal. My grandmother used to ask me to massage her legs at night, so I'm used to it. I initially thought that I was more suited for the 4th division. But… well… I was told that I'm a better asset in combat." She finished sadly.

Momo was really geared into working for the 4th division, as she wanted to help the injured and sick like her grandmother. But she met Aizen Souske and her decision was influenced.

To this day, Momo wonders how her life would have been had she worked under the guidance of Unohana Taicho instead.

"You know what?" Matsumoto said, realizing that the gloom brought about by discussing about Aizen reached everyone in the room. "I think we should forget about shinigami duties for a while!"

"Well, this IS a party, I guess it's okay." Tatsuki said, smiling.

"Wait. You're planning something, aren't you, Matsumoto?" Nanao said suspiciously. "Seriously, spill it out!"

Matsumoto looked a bit sheepish, "I wasn't planning ANYTHING, Nanao! How rude of you to think so. I'm just going to give MY gift to Rukia here!"

Quickly, she extracted a lumpy package from inside her shirt. "Here, Rukia; sorry if it's a bit squashed…"

"Are you sure that your gift is appropriate enough for Kusajishi fukutaicho to look at?"

"Nanao, THIS is a bridal shower, not a children's party. Honestly, are you expecting me to bring out balloons?"

"Where?" Yachiru asked excitedly. "Did you bring balloons, big boobies?"

Matsumoto sighed. "No, Yachiru-chan. Rukia, please, just open the gift."

Cautiously, Rukia unwrapped the gift, inside were dozens of silken scarves in different colors.

"Um, Matsumoto, scarves?" Rukia asked hesitantly, wondering just what they were for.

"Extra-strong ones too! Tie him up, Rukia!" Matsumoto said excitedly. "Though not many guys are into it, getting tied up and blindfolded is a REALLY good way to enjoy sex more!" Ignoring the pointed looks that were sent her way, Matsumoto continued her explanation. "I mean – letting go of control and giving yourself up to the demands of another is a great way to have a more steamy night, Rukia. Basically, you just tie Ichigo to the bedposts, blindfolded, and just do whatever –

"Oh, ropes. I didn't know this was a good idea for a gift." Yachiru interrupted as she tested a scarf with her teeth. "Back at our division, the punishment for losing in a battle is to tie them up in a room and guys just take turns having their way with you."

The women all gaped at Yachiru.

"Is that right?" Matsumoto asked, "Who started that."

"Hmmm." Yachiru mused to remember the details. "I think pachinko head did that to peacock hair once after a match. Then, we just heard peacock head screaming. Ken-chan said it served him right."

"Really?" Yoruichi said, curious. Just what punishment did the other get?

"Yup, Peacock hair was screaming that he had delicate skin and that pachinko head was breaking it. After that, I heard that the results were good and pachinko head suggested making it a severe form of punishment for the wimps. Ken-chan agreed. "

Really, what was going on in the 11th division anyway?

"I tried to find out what it was, but Ken-chan said, it wasn't a pretty sight."

"We really should talk to Zaraki Taicho when we get back to Seretei." Unohana mused worriedly.

"Hey midget, can I give my gift now?" Yachiru asked excitedly, jumping all over Inoue's sofa. "I'm sure you'll like it! I asked Ken-chan for suggestions, and he said to give you something you'll like…"

"Um… sure…" Rukia said, fidgeting around.

"HERE! Take it!" Yachiru said, handing Rukia a large pink paper bag.

Rukia tried to smile cheerfully, "Thank you, Yachiru fukutaicho; it's my honor to get a gift from you."

"Open it! Open it, midget, so you can see what it is! It's a SURPRISE!"

Karin glanced at the gift suspiciously. "I'll bet." She muttered to herself.

Carfully, Rukia opened the bag. Inside was a large glass jar filled with…

"That's honey, right?" Inoue asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"Yup! Ken-chan said once that guys in our division always had honey with them whenever they go out drinking and are due to return the next day!"

"The next day?" Echoed Rukia.

"Yup, I think that you have to rub it all over, midget so Icchy will love to taste –

"Yachiru-chan!" Yuzu cried out.

"Buut its true, guys say that its always better if it's covered with honey, lots and lots of honey! That's why midget here should use it all over –

"I really don't think that you should have asked Zaraki-san for his advice," Nanao said hurriedly, "If it's a gift for a girl, you should talk to a girl."

Yachiru looked about in confusion, "But you said to give midget something that Icchy would love and get him excited and stuff!"

"You asked Yachiru to what?" Rukia cried out, aghast. Oh my goodness, they even roped in a KID into this whole scheme.

"But she DID say that she knew about the birds and the bees!" Inoue exclaimed, defending them as the others nodded hurriedly.

"You asked her?" Rukia almost thundered.

Tatsuki stood to face Rukia, "Yes we did, and she did say that she knew everything about sex!"

"Did I get you a bad gift, midget?" Yachiru asked nervously.

Rukia took a deep breath and faced Yachiru. "No, Yachiru-chan." she said kindly. "I loved it."

"I think we made an error…" Unohana said as she watched Yachiru start to fidget in embarrassment.

"Then why do you look so shocked…" Yachiru asked. "Midget, if you loved it, you would have jumped up and down."

"Sorry, Yachiru, I was just surprised…."

"Oh, it's okay then. It's my fault, I forgot to bring the bread."

"The bread?" Yoruichi asked in confusion.

Yachiru nodded, "Yup, Ken-chan loves to eat toast for breakfast and he puts honey all over it. Wait… don't you do that, midget? No wonder you were confused!"

"Bre-breakfast?" Nanao muttered, "That was for breakfast?"

"Yup!" Yachiru said proudly. "Oh dear, you girls don't know much, do you? I thought you knew a lot about the birds and the bees? We have to discuss that on our next Shinigami Women's Association meeting!"

"Oh god." Tatsuki muttered.

While the others were definitely distracted, Matsumoto sneaked up to the gigai that was left forgotten on the floor. Hurriedly, she looked for the bag. Surprisingly, it was just lying there on the floor, apparently discarded in a hurry.

Matsumoto was initially surprised to see it near a familiar looking stuffed toy and the modified shinigami glove. Deciding not to pay it any attention, Matsumoto looked through the bag to find the gikongan pill. "Aha!" she silently cheered herself. "Come on Byakuya, let's have a party!"

(Page Break)

A/N:

Aww man, this was one difficult chapter. Too many cracks in it. So, once again, C.LeShay would like to know if this is okay or not. This sophomore Bleach fanfict is really scary, I had a lot of hits and reviews for My Third Daughter's First Date that I'm kinda nervous about losing momentum...

BTW, everyone's started the count towards my birthday; watched the news and there was a countdown posted somewhere. Darn! I'm about to become older AGAIN! So, on that note, count the days and celebrate with me by posting reviews! C.LeShay would love to accept reviews... and um, the rights to Bleach.

How about a personal message from Isaka Tatsuya or Kubo-sama, then? No takers?

Guess I'll have to settle... reviews would be great!

Yes, but in case you haven't guessed (Check my profile, dearest), my birthday falls on Christmas Day.