Sex For Dummies Chapter 5, a bleach fanfic

Chapter 5 – You Just Have to Love Your Family

Summary: Isshin glanced piteously at Ichigo. "I'm so sorry my son! For a long time that you remained an ignorant and discontented virgin, daddy thought that you were gay!"

Fiction Rating: M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. Much more than what's found in the previous chapter.

Characters: Rukia, Ichigo and a whole lot of people from Soul Society and Karakura, Kon, Karin, Yuzu, Urahara, Byakuya, and Isshin (FINALLY!).

Disclaimer: The day I get a gigai of Ichigo is the day I own Bleach. Until then, a plushie will suffice.

SPOILERS: A lot is spoiled, enough said.

WARNING: Crack, crack, and even more crack! Oh yeah, and there's a couple of OOC moments here for many of the characters, but I just couldn't take them out, so bear with them ok? Please, as I said, they're full of crack; they're NOT going to make a sense, so just laugh and don't process anything on an intellectual level. This is just for fun. Trust me, you don't want me to give you any of that introspective psychobabble. Yes, I can do that, but I'd lose all my readers in a heartbeat.

Please don't sic your mommies and daddies on me. My hands are full with my own parents too. No, C. LeShay is NOT a pervert; jeez, its not like you guys haven't read anything like this or more anyway; besides, they're all only implied …

And oh, for those who have been anticipating for a lemon… sorry guys; they're all only implied here.

At any rate, I would like to extend my thanks to the people who so-graciously reviewed my previous chapter. C. LeShay expressed heartfelt thanks because chapter 4 was well received. I'm glad that many of you found it funny and it was really nice to hear how it made people laugh.

Okay; I'm sorry guys, I just read the previous fic and I made some changes. Please don't be confused as to why I reverted back to Hinamori from Momo, since if it has to be in-character, I have to write it as it is. However, since Kiyone and Isane are siblings, I used both first names instead so as not to create confusion between the two. I wanted to write Nanao as Ise, but I keep on hearing Kyoraku Taicho call her as Nanao-chan, so I have to retain calling her Nanao in my fic. Sorry about the confusion (if any) and I hope this one is okay.

(Page Break)

"Kusajishi fukutaicho?" Soi Fon asked sternly. The said fukutaicho was too preoccupied with her eyeing the jar of honey to listen that Soi Fon felt like repeating herself. "Kusajishi fukutaicho!" she shouted.

This act finally succeeded in rousing Yachiru from her own thoughts. "Huh? What is it?" Yachiru asked absently as she casually looked at the scarves that was now lying at foot of a shell-shocked Hinamori Momo. " 'Scuse me, midget!" she said gaily as she stepped over the lap of a likewise stunned Rukia to get to the other side of the sofa.

The other women were likewise in a slump after Yachiru's gift.

Yes, there was a certain term that can be used for that… anti-climactic… disappointing… frustrating.

Yachiru's revelation of the 'importance' of her gift gave of a feeling…

Imagine being in the throes of passionate and explicitly sexual acts and just not having an orgasm.

Imagine being successful in seducing the guy you have been fantasizing about in months, resulting in many cold showers… then finding out at the last minute that you got your period while you were preparing to screw his brains out while in the washroom.

Now double that feeling - THAT'S what most of the women felt. Of course, some of them were just too embarrassed to be caught THINKING about other uses of honey, aside for food consumption.

It was a gift from a little girl, damn it!

"Please answer my question truthfully." Soi Fon had been the Taicho handling the SMC, and she was expected to be curious and attuned to things that were hidden – intentionally or otherwise. There was something in her gut that was telling her that the pink-haired fukutaicho was hiding something. "Tell me, just WHAT did Zaraki-Taicho tell you about sex?"

Everyone stopped to look at the two.

"Eh? Soi Fon?" Yoruichi asked.

"Pardon, Yoruichi-sama, but I think that something is WAY off here. The answer, if you please, Kusajishi-fukutaicho."

Yachiru reached the scarves. She grabbed one and sat back on her heels to toy with it. Unlike other shinigami, she was not fazed with Soi Fon Taicho's I-WILL-KICK-YOU-IN-THE-NADS-IF-YOU-PISS-ME-OFF look. "Um… well, Ken-chan told me that sex was a sort of activity that can only be done when you're old enough. He said never to talk about it aloud." Then, she added in a conspiratorial whisper as she looked at the women, "Because you can get hit by lightning; which is why it wasn't mentioned at our barracks. But I thought that since we were indoors, we can't get hurt."

At the surprised and shocked looks on their faces, Yachiru gasped loudly. "Oh my, you don't know about that too? No wonder midget here has problems regarding sex. I don't think many people know about the lighting thing. My goodness, we really have to discuss about it soon! It is the duty of the Shinigami Women's Association, and as its president, I have to make it our first priority!"

Yachiru pondered for a while, putting her chin on her palms as she sat there on the carpet. "We should do that posters and fliers thing like last time when we had a bake sale and invited many, many, people." She nodded in satisfaction, imagining the number of innocent people trooping over to get educated. "Of course we'll be posting that all women are required to attend a lecture on sex too. I think I have time to discuss about the lightning hazard – only on mornings though. I still have to go play with pachinko head and peacock brow in the afternoon and evening. I'm planning on having a tea party, I get to eat them 'coz I'm the cannibal! I wonder if their livers will taste good with sweet and sour sauce, just like that duck that Ken-chan killed…" Yachiru mumbled, drool forming at the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, sweet and sour sauce with candy! Plus I get to roast them over hot coals!"

Suddenly, she stopped from her rambling to remember the original topic. "Naturally, the posters should be colorful and we should also draw the vibra-thingie… Kitty woman and Bun haired girl, both of you are in charge of the posters. But you still have to explain the finger thing and why we use whips, okay?"

The fukutaicho of the 11th division laughed at her apparent creativity. "I'm also thinking of painting walls with the words: 'SEX AND THE FINGER: WOMEN SHINIGAMI LOVE IT! And GET YOUR FREE SEX TOYS IN EXCHANGE FOR CANDY' in pink, of course." she said, raising her small hands to mime the formatting of the words on an imaginary board.

Nanao looked nervously at Unohana Taicho who now had a worry crease on her forehead.

"I think Ken-chan has limited ideas though, I never knew about libidos and stuff; can someone explain it properly, so I can tell him?"

Oh dear, they had just corrupted the mind of Kusajishi Yachiru

"We are SO dead." Kiyone said in a strangled tone, imagining the wrath of one Zaraki Kenpachi raining down on them. Sure, her own beloved taicho was strong, smart, brave, powerful... and handsome, but will diplomacy be enough to stop a Zaraki Taicho on a warpath? Kiyone shuddered, if she died, that booger-faced Sentaro would be the only one serving her Taicho... oh the horror!

Suddenly there was a scream that pierced the heavy tension in the room.

Everyone immediately stood up to see Matsumoto spring up from behind another sofa. "You goddamn lecher!" she screamed as she kicked at something that was on the floor. "Nemu, Urahara got you a defective modsoul pill! This one IS a fucking pervert and he grabbed my boobs!"

Everyone gaped as Kuchiki Byakuya – or the gigai – stood up and threw his arms around Matsumoto, rubbing his face against her breasts, an expression of bliss seen on his face. "Ah…" It sighed. "Wonderful, wonderful!"

"Whoa." Came the collective gasp. "It DOES look like Kuchiki Taicho…"

Of course it did; but it was really eerie to see 'Kuchiki Byakuya,' the stoic marble god of Seiretei act like a raving and perverted lunatic. It was an absolute turn-off.

Yes, Kuchiki Byakuya's appeal lies in his cold, aloof, and detached manner. To see him go at a woman's breast would ensure him a lot of kicks and punches, despite the fact that he was drop-dead gorgeous.

Suddenly 'Byakuya' spotted Rukia. "Nee-san!" It cried loudly and in ecstasy, springing towards her and grabbing her in a bear hug. "Oh nee-san, your valley of loveliness is a wellspring of comfort! Despite not having such huge mounds of heavenly body parts, I will always have a fond spot for your small –

Rukia immediately gave the gigai a punch to the head, sending him on the floor. "KON?" Rukia seethed, realizing just which modsoul was now in a gigai that resembled her Nii-sama "You pervert!" It was unsettling really, to see your brother act like a complete pervert, and then grab you to cop a feel of your boobs. "How the hell did you get in here? How could you pick the perverted one, Matsumoto?" she cried accusingly. God, she was sure to have many nightmares about this in the future.

The women stood rooted to where they were. Yes, this was just the reaction that happens when one watches a particularly riveting and numbing Asian horror flick. That despite the horror, the fear, and the overall creepiness, people would still insist on watching it in the dark and praying that it would not be remade by Hollywood. No way would they be able to look at Kuchiki Byakuya taicho straight on ever again without remembering this disturbing scene.

No freaking way.

"There was only one pill in that pouch!" Matsumoto fumed. "Why is that pervert here?'

"Get the glove!" Yoruichi ordered, as 'Byakuya' now leapt to Inoue, giving her a hug as well.

"Orihime-san!" Kon cried out, trying to burrow his face against her huge chest. The poor Inoue was rendered speechless with shock.

Soi Fon immediately ran and went on all fours at the carpet, trying to get the glove. It was unfortunate that no one bought their own glove, thus they had to rely on the one that was given by Urahara.

"PERVERT!" Tatsuki screamed, as she kicked Kon off Inoue.

Kon was able to regain his balance, and it then ran off to Hinamori. "You're cute! Let's go on a date!"

Hinamori was blushing furiously, but was unable to say anything.

Kon then grabbed Hinamori and gave her a kiss on the cheek

Kiyone threw books and magazines at the gigai "Get away from her!"

As Kon dropped Hinamori, and the other fell to the floor unconscious; probably brought about by the daze of being kissed by someone who looked like Kuchiki Byakuya. Well, it wasn't everyday the hottest man – or someone who looked EXACTLY like him – in Seiretei would kiss you, right?

"Yoruichi-sama, I can't find the glove!" Soi Fon cried out as she, Nemu, and Isane were all now on fours, looking for the glove.

"He must have taken it!" Yoruichi cried out as she flash-stepped towards Kon and attempted to look for the glove.

"Hehe!" Laughed Kon as he copped a feel off Yoruichi's ass before he somersaulted away from her, taking care to avoid the goddess of flash by jumping around the room. "This gigai is VERY well made! It makes it easier for me to use my leg power! I can do flips and run twice as fast now!"

"Yes," Nemu said in monotone, "Mayuri-sama is good."

"Byakushi!" cried Yachiru, jumping at Kon's back. "We have to talk about you marrying me!"

"Ack!" Shouted Kon as he tried to dislodge Yachiru from her death grip on his hair, "Only if you're three feet taller and you have big boobs!"

Rukia glared at Kon. "Stop disgracing my Nii-sama that way!"

Kiyone turned to call Soi Fon, "Soi Fon Taicho! The gigai placed his hands on Yoruichi-san!"

"WHAT?" shouted an enraged Soi Fon who fumbled with the pockets of her dress to look for her soul candy dispenser.

"Out of the way." Matsumoto said as she hurled the table towards Kon. As the modsoul was able to step aside, the table hit the wall hard.

"Was that insured?" Karin asked Inoue. After all, the 'table' Matsumoto just threw was an antique desk that was over 100 years old.

Suddenly, there was a crackle of light. To their surprise, Nanao was already in shinigami form beside her gigai. "Leave this to me." She said seriously, as she threw a blast of kidou towards Kon.

The women then quickly returned into their shinigami forms. "Really, Matsumoto, you just HAD to put the pill into the gigai, didn't you?" Rukia snarled as she dug into her handbag for the soul candy dispenser.

"Unare, Haineko!" Matsumoto said in a calm voice that meant death to the target.

"Yikes!" Kon shouted as he jumped up to avoid the ash particles. He quickly dashed towards the window. Behind him, the poor chair that was innocently placed there earlier was reduced to ashes.

"There goes a part of Inoue-san's dining set." Mused Karin as she watched the spectacle happening around her and Yuzu.

"DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!" Soi Fon screamed as she rallied the other women who now had their Zanpaktuos out and ready for bloodbath.

"Darn, he just looks too much like Kuchiki-Taicho…" Kiyone mused as she also took after the modsoul.

Realizing that he had to get considerable distance between himself and the angry mob, Kon immediately latched onto the nearest person, so he could bring her outside as his hostage or as a shield.

That person just happened to be Rukia who had just found her chappy soul dispenser. Unfortunately, the jarring movements made her drop her dispenser, rendering it useless.

"LET GO of me, Kon!" She shouted, flailing about.

But Kon paid no heed and he jumped out the window with Rukia pounding on his head with her fists.

"Nee-san! I promise to be your slave if you keep those women away from me!" he cried in desperation as he locked her legs to prevent her from kicking him. "OUCH!"

"Oh no, you're in trouble, Kon –

"PLEASE!" He shouted desperately. "I'll do ANYTHING!"

Instead of heading off to the rooftops like what he often did, Kon decided to run along the alleys and use the road. It was a bad move, but Kon wanted to buy some time to talk to his nee-san and beg to be given assistance. Was it wrong to just want to know how it would feel like to get laid?

"Anything?"

"Anything Nee-san." He whimpered piteously, reduced to selling his soul (a modified one) to the merciless angel that was Kuchiki Rukia.

Rukia pretended to think about it for a moment. "Well, okay, I guess."

"Thank you, Nee-san," Kon cried, as he burrowed more against Rukia.

"If you don't let go of me now, Kon; I will personally kill you." Warned Rukia, giving the modsoul a severe glare.

"Will you please let me enjoy this too?"

Rukia did hit him harder this time.

Suddenly, the two collided against a similarly running figure. "Crap!" Cursed Kon as he and Rukia were thrown back.

"BYAKUYA?" The voice cried out in disbelief. "What are you doing here?" How did he get here so fast, and why was he wearing a tuxedo?

"Ichigo!" Rukia cried out, as she saw her fiancé.

Ichigo peered. Who was that person under Byakuya? "Rukia? What are you two doing here?"

Rukia shoved Byakuya aside roughly and kicked him. Ichigo had to blink several times to make sure that he was seeing right. Why would Rukia kick her brother? And why was Byakuya latched onto his sister that way? What was even weirder was the look of pain that flashed across Byakuya's face.

No way - Byakuya did not do facial expressions.

"Don't think I'm done with you yet, Kon!" the shinigami said darkly.

"KON?" Ichigo cried out as he looked at the modsoul. "Wait; don't tell me, that's someone's gift for you, Rukia?"

Rukia turned to face Ichigo, "How did you guess? Never mind," she gritted out, "I have an idea."

Suddenly, Ichigo grabbed Kon by his coat lapels. "And why were you holding on to Rukia like that?"

"Ichigo…" Whimpered Kon, "Save me from those women!"

At the questioning look that Ichigo gave her, Rukia decided to explain, "He tried to grope the others."

"No shit."

"There he is!" Soi Fon's cry was heard as she landed in front of them. Suzumebachi held at the ready.

"Nee-san… you promised…" A trembling Kon – or Byakuya, whatever you want to think – said fearfully.

"Ichigo, hand me your license." Ordered Rukia, holding out a hand.

Wordlessly, Ichigo passed it to Rukia, who used it on the gigai so she can remove Kon. "Mayuri-fukutaicho?"

"Yes, Kuchiki-fukutaicho?"

"Please take the gigai."

"Wait." Matsumoto said as she eyed the exchange. The pill was then placed into the stuffed doll that Nemu brought. "What about the modsoul?"

"I will deal with it myself, so please don't do anything to him." Promised Rukia, "I assure you, his punishment will not be light."

Kon visibly gulped as he saw the menacing look in Rukia's eyes.

"Now you're done for." Ichigo said smugly as Kon shook from fear. Truth be told, Kon did not get the easy way out. By the time Rukia was done with him, Kon would be wishing that she handed him over to Matsumoto.

"Thank you for the wonderful evening, everyone." Rukia said pleasantly, reverting back to her high school girl persona.

"Don't worry about it," Nanao said, "We will make arrangements to deliver the… stuff."

"Stuff?" echoed Ichigo in confusion.

"ICHIGO!" A voice thundered out.

"Aw Shit!"

Yachiru jumped up and down "Ken-chan, over here! Over here, Icchy's here!"

As quickly as possible, Ichigo used the shinigami license on him and Rukia. Ichigo then threw Kon to Yuzu who just arrived. "Here, take him and our bodies home; we gotta run, Zaraki's here."

"Huh?" Rukia asked "We?"

Without another word, Ichigo grabbed Rukia and flash-stepped out of the area.

Yoruichi chuckled.

"Eh?" Karin asked, "What are you laughing at?"

"Don't drive all the way to Hongo, Karin." The older shinigami said. "Bring those bodies to your house instead. Ichigo wasn't very clear with his instructions."

Matsumoto looked at Yoruichi for a while before she too had a smile on her face.

Suddenly, Zaraki arrived. "Where's Ichigo?"

"You just missed him, Ken-chan!" Chirped Yachiru, "He went out so fast!"

"Damn! Which way did he go?"

Slowly, the women decided to slink away.

"What are Rukia's gigai and Kurosaki's body doing here?" Byakuya asked in freezing tones as he stepped in and saw Yuzu and Karin holding the bodies.

Matsumoto, Nanao, and Isane hurriedly stepped together so they could hide the gigai Nemu was holding behind them while Soi Fon hurriedly wrapped a scarf around its head, to hide the face and hair from Byakuya's view.

"Hey, Byakuya-bo." Yoruich greeted cheerfully, suspiciously too cheerful, in Byakuya's opinion. "So, what brings you here at this hour?"

"I am looking for Rukia." Byakuya explained, "I heard Kurosaki mention about needing to get to her immediately."

Yoruichi chuckled again. "Couldn't wait, huh…"

"Excuse me?"

"Ah, never mind, it wasn't important."

Byakuya made a move to leave, but he spotted something. "Yoruich, what is that thing behind –

"It's NOTHING!" Everyone said, laughing nervously.

"Byakuya Taicho." Unohana said who had the absolute knack of arriving just in time, "Would it be too much of a burden to ask you to escort me back to Seiretei?" Times like these, diversions were needed and Unohana realized that she was the only who could ask of a favor from Byakuya without being treated indifferently.

The Kuchiki noble looked at the 4th division healer for a moment. "It would not be a bother, but an honor, Unohana Taicho."

The women all squelched the desire to sigh in relief.

"Isane, please take care of my gigai for me. Also, would you please assist Hinamori fukutaicho? She would need a moment's rest before heading back to Seiretei."

"Of course, Taicho," Isane replied.

Byakuya was silent as he held out his arm to Unohana. Well, being polite was ingrained in him, making it natural for him to be chivalrous – when he wasn't busy giving them condescending looks. However, Bayakuya felt a twinge of curiosity, and Unohana Taicho just might be the one to shed some light into it. He formulated a way of asking her the question without being too direct.

Did Ukitake Taicho really run through all the women back in the Shinigami Institute? Oh no, he was just curious, seeing as Ukitake Taicho had just as much admirers as him. If such a thing can be taken to advantage, Byakuya would be grateful to have the women off his back and on to Ukitake's instead.

Everyone visibly relaxed when Byakuya and Unohana went on.

Matsumoto and Nanao lifted up the gigai. "I can't believe this evening." Matsumoto groaned.

"Like it's not your fault."

"Ken-chan," Yachiru piped up, her small voice piercing in the silence "What's a libido?"

Zaraki stopped in his tracks. "What?"

"A libido? And urges? What does that have to do with you know, the thing-that-we-can't-say-in-public-or-we'll-get-hit-with-lightning? Why do women use their finger? What's a vibrator? Midget-chan was told to tie Icchy too, you know like what you guys do back in the barracks. Remember, when peacock hair was crying and moaning so loud? Maybe we can borrow the whip Soi-Soi gave midget-chan too, that will really give the guys something to scream about!"

Times like these, it really paid to be the goddess of flash. Thought Yoruichi as the women all scampered away, her included.

"You want to know about WHAT?" Zaraki's voice echoed angrily. "And what do you mean, Kuchiki fukutaicho wants to torture Ichigo?"

A man in pink laughed silently from behind the shadows.

"Poor Zaraki Taicho." Ukitake muttered.

Kyoraku looked at his long time friend seriously, "Yare, Jyushiro, if you weren't so slow, we could have reached Unohana before Kuchiki Taicho."

Ukitake gave the other man a miffed look. "And why should we reach Unohana Taicho first?"

"I wonder how long you'd put up with that." Chuckled Kyoraku. "It's been hundreds of years, Jyu-chan. She doesn't have roommates anymore; you ran out of excuses to visit her at home LONG ago."

"Unohana Taicho is my friend, fellow shinigami, and doctor!" Ukitake said hotly as they headed back to soul society.

"And they say it took Ichigo-kun and Rukia-chan a long time to dance around their issues."

(Page Break)

In record time, Ichigo and Rukia reached their residence in Hongo.

Rukia kicked Ichigo on the shin so she could be set down on the ground. "What was that for? Do you mind explaining to me as to why you flash-stepped all the way here and just left your gigai to your sisters? I mean, honestly –

All of her words were drowned as Ichigo pulled her to him and kissed her on the lips fiercely. At first, Rukia was surprised, but she was soon matching his ardor with hers.

Without breaking the kiss, Ichigo and Rukia fumbled their way into the manor. It was easier to do when you were in your soul form, of course.

Rukia shoved Ichigo against the wall as she continued to kiss him.

Ichigo pulled her against him, kicking of his footwear at the same time.

"Damn, you're horny." Rukia muttered against his lips, amused.

"Damn right." He replied harshly, clumsily trying to undo the knots of her shinigami robes. Which was difficult actually, as she was slipping her hand inside his hakama.

"We're not going to make it upstairs if you don't move now." Rukia warned as she nibbled on his lips.

"Do you really WANT me to stop?"

Rukia did not give a second's worth of hesitation. "The carpet looks comfortable."

Suddenly the lights went on. "FINALLY!"

Ichigo and Rukia suddenly sprang apart, as if a menos dropped between them. Both were painfully aware of their er… state of dishevelment, as their shinigami robes were rumpled and their hair were mussed. Rukia hastily tightened the knot on her robe as Ichigo stepped in front of her and glared at the intruder.

"OLD MAN?" Ichigo shouted as he spotted his father standing from across them.

"Dropping the old act already, eh Isshin?" A new voice joined in.

"Urahara!" Rukia exclaimed, popping out from behind the tall Ichigo.

Isshin smiled in wry amusement "As much As I want I want them to go on, I really don't want to watch them fumbling and bumbling in front of my eyes. That would be… weird."

Ichigo shot his father a dark glare. "You have a lot of explaining to do." He said angrily, remembering the infamous bomb that the other shinigamis dropped on his head. If he had to, he would beat the crap out of Isshin just so he would tell him everything he wanted to know. Aside from that, his old man had a lot of explaining to do about the ideas he gave Inoue and the others.

"I know!" Isshin said, raising his hands in embarrassment. "It's all my fault, I know!"

Well, at least Isshin knew he did something wrong. But that doesn't mean that he was off the hook.

"I know I owe the two of you explanations."

"Overdue ones." Ichigo gritted out.

Isshin shrugged, "Fine, overdue ones. Geez, Ichigo! How could you not know and find out for yourself?"

Well, Ichigo almost hit his father then. How was he to know that Isshin was a former Shinigami taicho? It wasn't like he transformed in public, right? Besides, he had a gigai that hid his reiatsu. The idiot really pulled the wool all over them. Yes, he was guilty, both him and Urahara.

"No excuses, stupid old man. You've got explaining to do."

"There's some tea in the living room." Urahara muttered.

"Which one?" Rukia asked absentmindedly.

Urahara gave her an exasperated look. "The one nearest the kitchen of course. Seriously, you have way too many rooms in your house. I mean, four living rooms, one two dining rooms, a big-ass kitchen larger than my shoten, a library, an office, a master suite, ten bedrooms with baths, a music room, an observatory, and a GALLERY? How do you not get lost, Kuchiki-san?" he bemoaned in exaggeration, waiving his hands in the air.

"Well excuse my brother for giving us this house."

Isshin gaped at his future daughter-in-law, "Rukia-chan, this is not a house, this is a palace."

"A manor." The two corrected at the same time.

"This is no way near Byakuya's home at Seiretei. Actually," Ichigo asked Rukia, "How in the world are we to clean this place again?"

"I could give you some gigais and a couple of modsouls, Kurosaki-kun! With a large discount, nonetheless!"

At the words gigai and modsouls, Ichigo's temper flared again. "We have to talk about your gigais Sandal-hat."

"Do you know that many Taichos are now aware that you made modsouls?" Rukia asked archly. "If this reaches the Sou-Taicho…"

"I'll give the modsouls and gigai for free, Kuchiki-san." Urahara said immediately.

"But…" Ichigo started, didn't the Sou-Taicho know about it already?

Quickly, Rukia stepped on his feet to keep him silent. If Urahara was giving the modsouls for free, who was she to refuse him? It wasn't really their problem if the Sou-Taicho discovered it, anyway.

Isshin sighed, like a kid told that school was starting early, "Come on, it's getting really late and you two better hear me out before you… continue whatever it was you were trying to do."

Guiltily, like two teenagers caught doing something forbidden, the two followed Isshin quietly.

"What's this about?" Rukia whispered to Ichigo.

"My old man's a former shinigami."

"What?"

"He's supposed to have been a taicho as well."

"He's WHAT?"

Ichigo frowned thoughtfully, "You know, that expression really does look stupid…"

WHAM!

"Ouch, damn it!" cursed Ichigo as Rukia hit his face with her fist.

Luckily, they went unnoticed, as Isshin was lost deep in thought while Urahara was still grumbling at the size of the 'manor.' Probably wondering if he could ask Byakuya to sponsor his new training room. Wait; did Ichigo and Rukia already have a training room in the first place? They were bound to need it sooner than later if they planned to have kids.

Of course, Urahara wouldn't let it slip that he was commissioned by a certain starched-shirt noble to make a gigai similar like Isshin's, for his soon-to-be-married sister. The main difference was that it was capable of bearing a child for a regular gestation period. A really good thing, since the husband was alive and kicking while the wife was well… technically dead and all. Well, the downside was that he was still nowhere near making it capable for the mother to be in soul form during the pregnancy. The scientist in Urahara began to drool as he imagined on just how powerful those two's kids could be. I mean, look at his friend Isshin, he had a hard time enough against the energetic bastard, and the man was lucky enough to get such a powerful offspring.

When they reached the living room, Isshin pointed to the sofa. "Sit and stay quiet. Okay, so listen well."

"Some tea?" Urahara asked, indicating to a tray filled with snacks and tea.

"Thank you." Said Rukia as she helped herself to some.

Suddenly, Isshin bought out a familiar whiteboard marker that made Rukia frown slightly.

"Okay, so let's start at the beginning shall we? So, when a man and a woman decide to have sex, this is –

"WAIT! Time Out!" Shouted Ichigo, raising his hands up in the air, as Rukia looked indignantly surprised. "What the hell are you discussing?"

Isshin looked blankly at his son. "Sex, of course. I'm here to help my two virginal siblings into their initial foray into the wonderful and titillating world of sexual encounters!"

Rukia spat out her tea in surprise, it just was really disturbing to hear Isshin still call them as siblings.

"I suppose that I was a bit late in realizing that you were completely clueless son." Isshin said magnanimously. "But I'm sure we can cover all the bases tonight – and then some."

"Yes," agreed Urahara. "The knowledge of sex is one of the things you can never forget even if you celibate for a while; it's just like riding a bike, Kurosaki-kun!"

Isshin chortled, "Kisuke here should know; Yoruichi left him in the middle of it once. You should have seen him act like a raving maniac a week later after she came back! He had to boot me out of his shop in a second! It was a scene out of a porno flick!"

"That's better than being booted out of the bedroom by your wife for two weeks!" Urahara retorted, pointing at his old friend. "You should have seen your father whimpering, "Masaki… Masaki… what will I do at night?" Urahara looked at Ichigo, "You know what your mother said?"

Ichigo covered his ears in disgust and embarrassment. "There is NO WAY I'm listening to that!"

He tried to leave, but his old man was faster. Isshin was able to take hold of Ichigo by the shoulders and push him onto the sofa once again.

"Come on Ichigo, that was how you were conceived!" an affronted Isshin said. "If it wasn't for your mom going on a roll with her rarely seen temper, I would have probably attended a medical conference, and you WOULDN'T have been born! Then Rukia-chan here wouldn't have met you, since you were an unplanned baby, Ichigo. We wanted to wait for another year to have our first kid and all! Don't you at least want to know how it happened?"

Beside him, Urahara nodded enthusiastically. "That would be an interesting topic for Show and Tell, Isshin!"

"Exactly, Kisuke." Isshin agreed heartily. "So anyway, I was there pounding at the door, offering Masaki wine and a massage as a way to say sorry –

"SHUT IT!" growled Ichigo as he grabbed his father in a headlock "NOT ANOTHER WORD!"

Sure, there are many mysteries in the world that we all try to pursue; but the real, uncut, and uncensored version of our conception is definitely not one of them. Neither would it be right to even accept the IDEA of your parents having sex… that is one of the most disturbing things a person has to avoid thinking.

Isshin scoffed as he used a move to escape from his son's hold with ease, "Oh come on; sex is a normal thing, son." He said; shaking a finger at Ichigo's face as if scolding a naughty kid caught stealing cookie. "Sure its all okay to be embarrassed when you're ignorant, but once you experience it, you'll be hooked on it!"

To Rukia's everlasting mortification, Isshin placed a large hand on her shoulder. "I know you've got hormones too Rukia and thank you for not encouraging my clueless idiot for a son here; but maybe you should have shown a bit of initiative too. You should have worn sexier lingerie so he'd be happy everytime you flashed –

"I do not flash people with my underwear, Kurosaki-san." Came her frosty reply.

"Call me DADDY!" cried Isshin. "Wait – you didn't flash him intentionally?" at the irate look on his future daughter-in-law's face, Isshin looked back at his son. "So all those times you took cold showers after doing your homework with Rukia-chan, she wasn't aware that she was turning you on?"

Rukia turned to look at the blushing strawberry. "Cold showers?"

"It's NOT what you're thinking!" he retorted angrily. "I wasn't looking up your skirt or anything –

"Perhaps you were imagining her underwear then?" Isshin supplied helpfully.

"AM NOT!" Shouted Ichigo. "What? Can't I take a bath in the afternoon?"

Interesting, Rukia thought to herself. Whenever they got home, Rukia would immediately do her homework with Ichigo (translation: bully him into doing it while she read manga on his bed) before she went out to buy the latest Chappy merchandise and shoujo manga from the allowance that Isshin gave her. At first Ichigo went with her to these trips, but soon he was delegating the responsibility to Inoue and Tatsuki so they could spend time together like normal girls.

Up to now, Rukia believed it this was Ichigo's way of making sure she fit in with the living world more in preparation for them going to college.

"Wonder where he got that prudish behavior." Urahara asked Isshin, "I mean, I know that you were a sex maniac –

"Connoisseur, Kisuke." Isshin corrected amicably, smiling fondly at the memories of their youth.

"Yes, and well, Masaki was no shy, naive Victorian miss either. I remember that when the two of you were dating, not even Yoruichi could faze her with explicit, downright perverted and graphic jokes that could make a man blush; so why is Ichigo acting like an old lady who got menopause without ever getting laid?"

"Beats me." Isshin said in displeasure. "I was expecting him to jump Rukia-chan back in high school; the boy really knows how to disappoint. And here I was thinking we didn't need to bring him to that brothel. Shinigamis still love that place!"

Across them, Rukia clenched her hand so hard she broke her china teacup. If these two did not stop…

"Ah yes, the wonderful years of high school."

"Honestly Kisuke, the sexual tension in the house was smothering that I always told Karin and Yuzu to join as many extra-curricular activities as they could and to sleep early so I could give those two an opportunity." Isshin sighed dramatically. "But my naïve, idiotic, painfully shy son would not make a move to even slip his hand under Rukia-chan's skirt."

Uruhara laughed. "You are getting old Isshin, did you forget about their first date?" he tittered.

Suddenly Isshin slapped his forehead in annoyance. "Oh, my third daughter's first date? How could I forget that!" he brightened up considerably. "Caught them making out in his room; but it was the ONLY time!"

Ichigo wanted to kill the two. Were they spying on him and Rukia then? Did they have no idea about the concept of privacy?

Urahara shook his head. "Told you we should have taken advantage of the Two for One promo we were told about. I mean, we could have asked Ryuuken to bring his son over too…"

"Tell me about it!" bemoaned Isshin as if Ichigo and Rukia were not in the room. "What in the world is happening? Why are teenagers becoming more and more prudish every generation?"

"I agree." Urahara said, sighing. "I miss the days where 13 was the age of golden knowledge…I mean, almost 100 years ago, people were expected to marry and have offspring my 15. I remember how people use to come to my shoten, looking for products to enhance performance."

"There is never a day I don't regret letting them use that coupon Kisuke." Isshin sighed dramatically, throwing in a pout. "Too bad the offer expired years ago."

Urahara brightened, "Ara? Wait…" he said, digging inside his pockets. "Ta-da!" he cried, bringing out a small laminated object. "I still have my VIP card!"

"After all these time, you still kept it?" Isshin asked in wonder. "I thought Yoruichi threw that out ten years ago?"

"So did I," mused Urahara. "I was completely innocent, believe me! I haven't been back there since who-knows-when!"

Isshin nodded emphatically, "I believe you, my friend. If my memory serves us right, it has been 50 years to the day…"

Oh god, Ichigo thought; he had two perverts on his case. Was there something he did wrong in his past life to deserve this?

"What do you know!" exclaimed Urahara as he looked at the card with interest. "The membership expires tomorrow! Wow, they're THAT good to still accept this even after two decades. We can offer it to Ichigo…"

"No way!" both Ichigo and Rukia cried at the same time, standing up in indignation.

Rukia threw Ichigo a withered glance. Future father-in-law or not, she was leaving to get some rest. She made a move to leave when Isshin spotted her and held up a hand to stop her.

Isshin looked at the two, attempting to placate them. "Don't worry, you can bring Rukia-can too, they have this couples package for threesomes and all."

Suddenly, Rukia whipped out the released form of Sode no Shirayuki. The sword stood out in all of its pristine, white glory. "First dance…" she started ominously.

Urahara took a glance at the female shinigami and he placed the card back in his pocket hastily, "Maybe not…"

"Did you tell anyone else about this DISCOVERY of yours?" Thundered the red-faced Ichigo after being roused from his shock. No shit, his old man was putting out all the stops. Without Karin and Yuzu's presence, he and Rukia were doomed to die from embarrassment unless they get out now.

However, knowing his father, they would be hounded even in their sleep. Which was why he had to boot them out of the house now.

"No, Ichigo, what kind of father am I to embarrass my son that way? I would NEVER shout to the world that you're still a shy virgin!" Isshin replied, affronted. "Ouch!" he cried as Ichigo kicked him.

"You MORON! Because of you, we were subjected to mental torture tonight! Those frigging people kidnapped me and forced me to watch embarrassing movies and slide shows!"

"What, someone already beat to tell you about the birds, the bees, and the hormones? NOOOOOOO, I'm too late Kisuke!" A hysterical Isshin bawled. Suddenly, he whirled back to face the two, "But wait, are you sure that you were taught about EVERYTHING? Different positions? Sex toys?"

Now, it was Rukia who socked him.

"Rukia-chan!" Isshin cried out, tears falling from his eyes (We know you're faking it, moron; thought Ichigo angrily). "Why? Poppa is just here to help you and Ichigo get it on like rabbits –

"Did you have ANY idea on just what I went through this evening? They even told stuff like that in front of Yachiru fukutaicho! Don't you know that Zaraki Taicho would be after our blood later?" Oh hell, Kurosaki Isshin was really going to get it, fumed Rukia inwardly. The man had no sense of decency and shame! Imagine; he even used rabbits in his disgusting analogy, the nerve!

Isshin looked at Rukia in aghast. "What, Zaraki is still to teach Yachiru-chan the way of life? He's a failure of a father!"

Ichigo immediately took hold of his fiancée and dragged her further away before she could seriously damage his old man.

"Oh!" cried Isshin, "It is a frustration of a father if he fails to educate his children properly. What will Masaski say: That I raised Ichigo to be an idiot? Oh my beloved Masaki!" he wailed loudly as he whipped out another poster of his wife and promptly tacked it on the wall, to the surprise of the unlookers. Really, how was Isshin able to put such a large poster in his pocket without folding and wrinkling it anyway? "What will I do? Should I check up on our daughters to see that they're properly educated? Is it time for Karin and Yuzu to get THE TALK?"

Isshin glanced piteously at Ichigo who was struggling to hold on to his control. "I'm so sorry my son! For a long time that you remained an ignorant and discontented virgin, daddy thought that you were gay!"

Now it was Rukia who was holding back Ichigo from using Zangetsu to bash his father. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I mean, come on, what was I supposed to think? You were hanging out with the guys so much and enjoyed fighting when a lovely and all-too appealing girl like Rukia-chan was hanging out in your closet during evenings?" huffed Isshin as he glared at his angry son while he pouted and wrung the hem of his shirt. "Imagine my surprise to find out that you never even took a peek at her dressing, even once! You also liked BIG SWORDS as well! So excuse me for having the idea that you wanted the feel of something that you already have!"

"I am so going to skewer you!" Ichigo shouted, his face red with anger and embarrassment. Straining against Rukia's arms, waving Zangetsu madly.

Suddenly, Isshin raised a thumb, "But now that's all in the past, son; daddy's here to save your nonexistent sex life! Let me tell you all the basics then tackle on a few advanced stuff before you try anything that can embarrass you to Rukia-chan!"

There were back to square one. How was it that Isshin was able to thwart their plans to get away from him?

"Hell no!"

"Kisuke here has a theory, that you get off on pain? Well, it may be weird, but I assure you, you are not a freak – not much though. I know of someone who has an even weirder fetish…" he trailed, glancing at Urahara.

"Anything wrong, Isshin?" his friend tried to ask pleasantly, seeing the look in Isshin's eyes.

But Isshin said nothing, instead mumbling something that sounded remotely like 'zoophilia' and 'that's just freaking disgusting' while he shook his head, as if clearing mental images.

"God, this is nauseating." Muttered Rukia. Why do they have to get a dose of Isshin's weirdness two days before the wedding?

Isshin faced his son again "Or maybe you like the bondage? There are certain kidou spells that can be VERY useful…"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo shouted as he tried to push against Rukia who was attempting to prevent him from doing anything rash. "That is NOT what I want you to explain!"

"Oh come on, it's all very easy; it's like playing at the arcade, insert coin into the slot for a good time!"

"AARRGH!"

"Ichigo, your father's a pervert!"

"Oh come on, Kuchiki-san; it's not that scary. Sex can be very pleasurable. I think Isshin should put up the diagram now."

"Splendid idea, Kisuke!" Isshin said as he pulled out a scanned and enlarged image from a certain dirty magazine and posted it on the board. "I'm sure the missionary position will suffice first, eh Ichigo?"

(Page Break)

The next day, a staggering and visibly shaken Rukia went to answer the doorbell. "Karin? Yuzu?"

"Um…hi, Rukia-nee…" Yuzu said haltingly. "We uh… we bought your gigai and Ichi-nii's body."

Karin looked closely at Rukia. "Are you okay?"

"No. We were up all night."

The twins stepped back immediately, their faces red. They immediately took stock at how the shinigami looked. She was rumpled and was still wearing her shinigami robes, though they were askew and crumpled.

Oh god, did the two turn into sex fiends overnight?

Rukia saw the looks in their eyes. "Not what you're thinking." She corrected, "Your father and Urahara crashed in and forced a 'lesson' on us last night. Come in and have some coffee."

Carefully, the two stepped in. They followed Rukia into the kitchen, which was empty. "Your father just left five hours ago. Ichigo's out like a light."

Suddenly, they heard someone ringing the doorbell. "I'll get it," Karin offered; seeing as the other was in no condition to greet anyone. In fact, Rukia looked dead on her feet. Whatever 'lesson' it was that her idiot father forced upon the two last night didn't seem pretty.

As her twin left, Karin decided to cook breakfast for the exhausted shinigami. "Are you off to work?"

"Can't, I'm so exhausted." Complained Rukia.

"So, I won't make coffee, you need to get to sleep ASAP. But first you should eat something. It's bad to sleep breakfast."

"Rukia."

"Nii-sama!" Rukia cried out, waking up instantly, as if someone poured cold water over her and force-fed her strong coffee at the same time.

Byakuya took stock of how his sister looked. The Kurosaki girl did not tell him anything, so he was forced to draw his own conclusions. "What did that Kurosaki do to you?"

"Eh?" Rukia repeated, dumbfounded as the question.

Byakuya knew that he just had to have a word with Kurosaki. If the idiot thought that since he was welcomed into the clan and he was 'informed' by the men on carnal things, he could do whatever he wished with his sister, he has got another thing coming.

"What did Ichigo do to me?" Rukia asked, still confused.

"Not what YOU'RE thinking." Karin drawled. "My father was here and gabbed at them all night."

Byakuya turned back to Rukia. "You need some rest."

"After she eats breakfast, Byakuya-nii." Yuzu said without looking at him, as she was rummaging through the fridge.

Byakuya was surprised to hear Kurosaki's sisters speak so familiar towards him.

"So, Nii-san, what do you like for breakfast?" Yuzu asked again. "Bread or rice?"

"You don't have to cook for me." Byakuya said coolly.

"Oh come on, its breakfast, not a state dinner." Karin said, "Besides, Yuzu's a great cook, you're missing half your afterlife if you don't taste it."

"I want a continental breakfast, please Yuzu…" mused Rukia sleepily. "I want the works: French toast, bacon and eggs, and your macadamia nut pancakes…"

Yuzu smiled happily as she turned back to her preparation, "One house specialty for Ruki-nee, coming up!"

"Well?" Karina asked Byakuya.

"Fine, a continental breakfast, as well. I want to drink that 'brewed coffee' thing as well."

"Four breakfast specials, Yuzu!"

"Sure, give me 30 minutes…"

Soon after, the four of them sat down to eat.

"I really love your cooking Yuzu." Rukia sighed as she ate her breakfast, enjoying how the maple syrup and butter combination tasted on the pancakes.

Byakuya chewed thoughtfully. "Yes, it does taste acceptable."

"See?" Karin said. "By the way, Rukia-nee, we'll be taking you to the spa later; you need a massage, you look so tense."

"How's Hinamori-san, by the way?"

"Took her a while, but she woke up eventually." Yuzu said.

Byakuya looked at the three, "What happened to Hinamori fukutaicho, anyway?"

The girls exchanged nervous looks.

"I think I'll get your gigai from the car!" Karin said, hastily leaving the room.

"I'll help Karin!" added Yuzu as she too left.

"Damn." Rukia muttered to herself.

"Rukia."

"Yes, Nii-sama." Rukia asked nervously.

Byakuya was silent for a while that Rukia thought that she had only imagined him calling her.

"Rukia, do you want me to talk to Kurosaki?"

Rukia looked up in surprise, "About what, Nii-sama."

"About what goes on in the nuptial bed."

Choking on her breakfast, Rukia turned red in the face. Oh god, no – not Nii-sama as well.

(Page Break)

A/N: Whew! You guys have no idea how many times I have rewritten this chapter. Well, I hope to get reviews if this chapter was enjoyed. By the way, Sushi-alphonse was magnanimous enough to create an art of a scene from My Third Daughter's First Date. I hope you guys can check it out at: http://burnedbacon(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/Duration-and-Restraint-66980061. Leave a message for Sushi if you guys like it. Sushi, thanks a lot!