Sex For Dummies Chapter 6, a bleach fanfic

Chapter 6 – The Talk, Byakuya-Style

Summary: "Oh for goodness' sake, Nii-sama!" she shouted in a hysterical tone. "We've been going at each other like dogs in heat! Whatever could we be doing alone in the house anyway, Play cards?" An agitated Rukia was now waving her hands in the air, her eyes feverishly bright. "We've been SCREWING each other as if we're crazy, Nii-sama! We did it in the bedroom; in the bathroom; in the kitchen; in the study; in the car; along the staircase; even on THAT chair you're sitting in! We haven't tried fucking it in the swimming pool yet, but maybe we can do that next time!"

Fiction Rating: M for certain implied things.

Characters: Rukia, Ichigo, Byakuya, Yuzu, Karin, and poor Renji

Disclaimer: I'd like to have Byakuya as a brother; imagine how much I could charge women just to get a look at such a hot eye-candy like him. Or at least Kubo so I'd bug him about an IchiRuki episode – who cares if its fan service? Certainly not me.

SPOILERS: I took the liberties to assume the NEXT episodes after the HM arc, so if in let's say… a couple of months the ideas don't make sense, remember that this was written in (takes calendar) December 2007.

WARNING: A fat lot of nonsense, crack, and random stupidity.

And oh yeah, sorry for the late update, the adult world is catching up on me – fast! Well, this is a SHORT chapter. I just got requests to write and address the issue of Byakuya's lecture to his sister and to really write that Ichigo and Rukia actually did IT. Laughs Oh dear, Isshin does seem to influence me a lot these days.

…

"What's Byakuya doing here?"

It was nearly lunch when Ichigo woke up. He was still smarting from that punch that his father landed on his jaw. Fortunately, he was able to retaliate with a kick of his own that was sure to have knocked a few teeth of Isshin's loose. Since he had classes by 2pm, Ichigo felt that he ought to wake up now and fix lunch for him and Rukia.

His surprise was great when he saw Rukia leaning against the wall, her face pale and her body trembling.

Rukia fidgeted nervously as she motioned for Ichigo to lower his voice while preventing him from entering the living room. "Don't show yourself to nii-sama, Ichigo." She said urgently, in a tone that reminded the orange-haired professor about the time his fiancé was taken back to Soul Society.

Suddenly, an unbidden yet dark thought entered his head. "He's not… taking you away… is he? The wedding is tomorrow…" Ichigo suddenly had a vision of showing up to a full chapel without a bride. His hand grasped her shoulders, biting into the pale skin.

Through the small gap in the open door, Ichigo could see Byakuya having tea with his sisters, as if it was an everyday occurrence to do so.

"Ichigo." Rukia hissed, "Get out before nii-sama sees you. By the time he's through, you'll be wishing he took me to Soul Society instead!"

What could be worse than that, thought Ichigo. Did the high and proper Kuchiki Byakuya decide at the last minute that his sister should be wed to a rich noble instead? Maybe, Rukia was in danger and had to be protected; but not since Aizen…

"Ichigo!" a hand shot out to grab his hair.

"Ow!" he hissed, "Watch it!"

"Nii-sama plans to give us The Talk!"

Ichigo paled. Oh god, not from HIM! This was definitely WORSE than facing a slew of Arrancar that was suddenly under the command of Zaraki Kenpachi. Or Kusajishi Yachiru, honestly, he wasn't sure which was scarier.

Without a word, Rukia pushed him out further into the hallway.

"Kurosaki Ichigo."

Shit! Byakuya found out after all.

Rukia's eyes went wide as she squeezed his arm in a grip so tight, Ichigo felt that he was losing his blood circulation.

"Er… Hey, good morning, Byakuya!" Ichigo said in a VERY enthusiastic voice. "Sorry I can't stay, I have classes and all –

"I had Renji call the university to inform them that you were not coming." Byakuya said matter-of-factly.

"Well then, that leaves me time for research!" Ichigo said in a jovial tone as Rukia nodded in agreement.

"Renji has already cancelled any appointments for you."

Finally, Rukia threw open the door "Nii-sama." She said in her important, most respectful, fukutaicho tone, "Ichigo has to do his hollow-patrol duties today." She bowed reverently, "Perhaps some other time?"

But Byakuya just looked at his sister. "I applaud his dedication." He said in a strange tone that said that he knew what was up, but he wouldn't let you know that he knew it. "However, that is already covered. Renji is taking over both of your duties." Byakuya gave the two impassive yet decidedly shrewd looks. "ALL of your duties."

On cue, Renji materialized from a corner.

Rukia and Ichigo gasped.

Renji was wearing a tattered pair of jeans, a white shirt, a pink apron, and a white kerchief tied over the top of his loud red hair. He was holding a feather duster in one hand and a large ladle in the other. "Already aired the bedding, done the laundry, dusted the windows, AND vacuumed the staircase, Taicho!" he said in a disgruntled tone. "I'm in the process of cooking the miso soup."

He looked at the two, as if daring them to say anything.

"Continue with preparing the lunch, Renji."

Renji scowled.

Yuzu stood up. "I'll help you, Abarai-san!"

Byakuya looked at Ichigo's sister. "You don't have to do that, Kurosaki Yuzu. Don't you have classes to go to?"

"Nah." Karin answered for her twin cheekily. "We'd rather not miss this."

Byakuya just looked at the dark-haired twin. This one reminded him of Kurosaki Ichigo too much.

As Yuzu walked out to help Renji, the head of the Kuchiki house called out. "Renji."

"Hai, Taicho." He gritted out.

"Don't forget to make dessert."

Rukia and Ichigo's faces were so red trying to contain their laughter. Without a word, Renji gave them one last glare before he headed to the kitchen with Yuzu.

"Abarai-san, maybe I can find the blue apron for you…"

Rukia latched on to Ichigo's arm as she trembled with mirth after seeing her oldest friend's latest fashion statement. Damn, she should have brought a camera! This was potential blackmail material! Maybe, she could sell it in Seiretei and make a truckload of money for a new Chappy the Bunny plush toy.

Beside her, Ichigo was in a similar state. Seeing his friend and one-time rival dressed like a house-husband made his day.

"Kurosaki Ichigo. Rukia."

…

Ichigo glared at his sister.

Karin glared back.

"Kurosaki Karin." Byakuya said. "I would like to request you to leave."

Ichigo tried to hide a smirk as Karin grumpily left the room.

After they were alone, Byakuya looked at the couple sitting across him.

"I was going to ask you a sensitive question, Kurosaki. However," Byakuya said without preamble. "Certain events have convinced me that such a question is irrelevant."

Ichigo looked at a nervous looking Rukia.

"The actions of the people around you have convinced me not to pursue the subject of Rukia's chastity."

Ichigo, who was about to drink his tea, quickly placed the cup on the table. To have liquid in your mouth at this time was an equivalent of suicide by strangulation.

Looking at the pair who was too stiff to even touch the other's hand, he continued. "Of course, if I have doubts, I can always subject Rukia to our elders' questioning."

"You what?" Ichigo asked weakly as Rukia winced in obvious discomfort.

"Ichigo." Rukia said as Byakuya gave her the 'tell-him-what-he-asks' look. "High-ranking women of nobility are expected to… remain chaste…" she gurgled, as if someone was tying a noose around her neck. "until their wedding night. Once they reach a certain age, they are inspected by the elder females to prove their innocence. Usually, this process is repeated before their marriage."

"You, uh, have been through one?"

Rukia's face flamed but she just nodded weakly.

"Immediately after her adoption, the elders ordered for her inspection." Byakuya said matter-of-factly, as if they were discussing the weather.

"Is it… uh…" Ichigo trailed off, aware that his face was a tad too red for his taste. "A difficult procedure?"

"Not really, if you don't mind being… well, it is embarrassing, but," Rukia muttered, "it's what comes AFTER that will kill you."

"The results are announced publicly to all noble families in Seiretei." Byakuya said.

Now Ichigo was sweating buckets. Beside him, Rukia was trying to remain calm. If Byakuya noticed these things, he made no move to let them know of it.

"Naturally," continued the noble. "The honor and reputation of a family is at stake. If still chaste, the marriage will be met with celebration and congratulations will be sent to both families."

"That's so old-fashioned." Ichigo said, causing Rukia to step on his toes – hard.

Byakuya raised an elegant eyebrow. "I'm aware that this era you live in thrives in debauchery. Rukia's reading materials said that well enough."

"Nii-sama…"

Oh boy, Byakuya found Rukia's indecent manga stash.

"Nii-sama, they were for gathering information about this world…"

Hoping to diffuse the ire of Byakuya from his fiancé, Ichigo decided to ask what he thought was a perfectly logical question. "And what happens if the results are unfavorable?"

Rukia made a strangled sound.

Byakuya stared at Ichigo. "The head of the family is expected to defend the honor of the family."

"Doesn't ANYONE have a say in that?"

Rukia was now twisting her fingers as she made another noise.

The hint was none-too-subtle, as she once again trod on his foot.

"The destroyed souls cannot file for complaints." Byakuya said tonelessly.

Ichigo swallowed, finding the patterns on his teacup suddenly interesting. "I see…"

"Kurosaki Ichigo, do I have any reason to send Rukia to the female elders?"

Deep breathes, Ichigo. Carefully looking at Byakuya in the eye, Ichigo said. "No."

Byakuya looked intently at the two. Any moment now, Ichigo was expecting a shower of deadly sakura petals, or something equally deadly, but Byakuya still said nothing. Turning to the woman beside him, Ichigo now saw Rukia sporting a Kuchiki-poker face that said 'you-will-not-get-anything-from-me-because-I-am-a-Kuchiki-and-therefore-a-hundred-times-better-than-you' perfectly as if she screamed it.

How Ichigo wished he could cultivate it. Unfortunately, his idiot father only had two expressions, the annoying and the default – which was 'stupid.' Obviously, he was not a model parent material.

He was left with no other option but to scowl.

As Byakuya calmly sipped his tea, Rukia shot him a look full of hollow venom that promised to extract retribution the most painful way possible. Through his nose.

"Alright." Byakuya finally said as he placed his teacup back on the table. "Then we will have to move on to my main agenda."

"Main agenda?"

"Yes, to educate the two of you about the responsibilities of the nuptial bed."

Misinterpreting the uncomfortable silence as an encouragement, Byakuya continued. "I would like to ask that you, Kurosaki Ichigo, be very considerate of my sister's state on your wedding night."

Was he asking him to be gentle? Ichigo did not dare ask it out loud.

"I have no idea what the womenfolk told Rukia," Byakuya said to Ichigo "but I know what the men told YOU. If I may say, it is not something that is appropriate to try – for the first time."

Rukia was now turning into a shade of red that was brighter than Renji's hair.

"If only you had servants to assist you in the bath," Byakuya continued. "Three or four for each of you perhaps –

Byakuya wanted servants to assist them while bathing? Ichigo thought incredulously.

"Ser-servants in the b-bath?" Ichigo stuttered uncomfortably. No way he was letting people be in him while taking a bath!

The noble looked at Ichigo with displeasure. "Yes, a bath. A basic requirement in hygiene."

"I KNOW WHAT TAKING A BATH MEANS!"

"Ichigo!"

Byakuya just looked at his sister's betrothed as if he was an uneducated boor. "On the nuptial bed, it is a Kuchiki tradition –

"Woah, Time out!" cried Ichigo, holding up his hands "Tradition? Kuchiki Tradition? She's going to be a KUROSAKI, Byakuya. No way would I do something that YOU did before!"

Rukia gasped at the blatant opposition. Great, her brother would probably kill him now. Too bad, they already booked the reception.

"You presume too much to insult the Kuchiki traditions."

"You presume too much to expect me to follow your sex tips!"

Now would be a good time for tea. Rukia thought faintly, as she poured them all some.

"The tradition of Kuchiki copulation has never been wrong before."

Ichigo stood up, his face red in embarrassment and anger. "I don't give a shit at how many generations followed that stupid tradition, Byakuya. I WON'T do it!"

"Following the tradition to the last steps –

"I'm not listening!" Ichigo said hurriedly, interrupting the other.

But Byakuya would not be deterred. "Ensures a whole evening of pleasurable interlude between the couple."

Ichigo glared. Byakuya stifled a sigh. It was time to lower himself to use crude and modern language. He recalled the translation Urahara gave him. "Both can get multiple orgasms – several times."

Rukia choked on his own spit. "Um… Nii-sama, there really is no need – really; thank you for giving us your time. However, we have already –

"We heard about it from everyone else!" Ichigo said quickly, ignoring the pointed glare Rukia was sending him. "I mean, you pointed it out, right?"

Byakuya looked at his fuming sister who now looked like she wanted to decapitate her fiancé. Obviously the topic was very uncomfortable for her. He sent a short apology to Hisana, since he was forced to educate his impressionable adoptive sister.

Perhaps she never really understood those manga in the first place. Of course, Byakuya had to be sure...

Rukia, on her part was fuming at Ichigo. How dare he? Should this meeting turn sour and Nii-sama would send her back to those damned old ladies, she would personally call the wedding off. He wasn't there when the women practically screamed the results of her first 'inspection' to the people outside. He wasn't there when those women made a show of decorating the entire front of the Kuchiki manor with all kinds of white flowers. He wasn't there when she was brought to a festivity and all that the men talked about was about the latest 'acquisition' of Kuchiki-sama, which was fortunately chaste and pure.

It was the most embarrassing moment of her life.

This time, Rukia shuddered to think WHAT will happen should the unthinkable surface.

"I am aware of what happened last night." Byakuya said simply. "However, people tend to focus more on the advantages and pleasures more than the responsibilities. Marriage to a Kuchiki requires the newcomer to put decorum more than personal needs."

"WHAT?"

Unruffled at the outburst of the enraged man, Byakuya continued with his discussion. "I do not discount that both of you will be highly affectionate, seeing as Kurosaki is governed by his emotions and hormones –

"Hey!"

"- however, I require both of you to be aware of your surroundings when you display such affections."

"Nii-sama?"

"I saw the two of you kissing each other in public the other day."

Rukia turned red. "Nii-sama…" How the hell did he see that? Was he following them?

"That was a highly inappropriate behavior, Rukia. I do not want it happening again. Especially when the two of you are at soul society."

Ichigo stood up in indignation, "Are you saying I can't kiss her even when we're married?" he asked, pointing an accusing finger at the noble.

"I never said anything of the sort. What happens in the bedchamber stays in the bedchamber, Kurosaki."

"Nii-sama…"

Byakuya turned to look at his sister. "A Kuchiki never shows weakness Rukia."

"The hell you'll tell my wife I can't kiss her in public!"

"Wife-to-be, Kurosaki. And I would request any attempts of banging each other in private please."

Rukia dropped her teacup in surprise. She was pretty much used to hear that word from people nowadays, hanging out with Mizuiro and Keigo sure did that; but to hear Nii-sama use the word himself, what was the world coming to?

Ichigo on the other hand was pole-axed, was Byakuya expecting him to just ravish Rukia in public? Sure, his hormones go haywire while the midget shinigami was even 10 meters away from him, but it wasn't like he couldn't control himself! He was a friggin' adult for crying out loud! "Oi! Byakuya, watch your mouth!"

"It didn't occur to me that you were a prude, Kurosaki." Byakuya said, eyebrow raised. "It seems that I should PROPERLY educate you on copulation."

"The fuck!" cried Ichigo, "I don't need your damn lectures! Rukia and I, we –

The noble now turned fully to face his sister's betrothed, who suddenly stopped in the middle of his tirade. Kurosaki had been already digging himself a grave earlier. In spite of his inclination to trust this ex-ryoka, there was a nagging doubt in Byakuya's head that was telling him that something happened between the two.

Of course, if he was wrong, it could cause a potential embarrassment, so Byakuya just let every comment and every interaction between the two go seemingly unnoticed. If there was anything he learned from dealing with Kurosaki Ichigo, it was that he would soon trip all over himself and reveal whatever it was he was hiding. Especially if it was about his sister.

"We what, Kurosaki?" Byakuya said softly. If he ever found out that this insolent man debauched and defiled Rukia, he would personally rip his face off and throw him to the 11th division. If Kurosaki survived, Byakuya would kill him himself.

But only after confirming if Rukia was not pregnant, of course.

As Ichigo stuttered, Byakuya turned to face his sister. Rukia's reaction would be the one to verify if the other was lying or telling the truth. Despite her stoic expression, Rukia can NEVER lie convincingly to him. There were always bodily clues that gave her away or aroused his suspicions at least.

"We – we, uh… Rukia and I…" Ichigo stuttered again.

Suddenly, Rukia stood up. "Oh for goodness' sake, Nii-sama!" she shouted in a hysterical tone. "We've been going at each other like dogs in heat! Whatever could we be doing alone in the house anyway, Play cards?" An agitated Rukia was now waving her hands in the air, her eyes feverishly bright. "We've been SCREWING each other as if we're crazy, Nii-sama! We did it in the bedroom; in the bathroom; in the kitchen; in the study; in the car; along the staircase; even on THAT chair you're sitting in! We haven't tried fucking it in the swimming pool yet, but maybe we can do that next time!"

Finished in her tirade, Rukia stood there glaring at him, yet shaking at the same time; her face red with an emotion Byakuya could not identify.

Ichigo was just gaping at his fiancé, his eyes showing his horror.

For a moment, Byakuya said nothing. Then he stood up. "Its obvious that the stress got to her." He said, looking at his younger sister with a guarded expression. "I'd better be going on ahead. Kurosaki, take care of her. I'll go tell Renji that we will be leaving." It was too bad that Rukia was in dire stress; her uncharacteristic outburst was proof enough. Rukia never answered back that way - ever. Byakuya could not blame her, even though he was surprised enough to leave. It took all his discipline not to feel a bit freaked by her reaction.

Maybe he ought to tell Rukia to stop with sarcasm, if he was any other person, he might have interpreted her breakdown and anger as a damning fact.

Then, Byakuya left in a swish of cloths, leaving a befuddled Ichigo and a trembling Rukia in the wake.

"Oh gods…" moaned Rukia, as she fell back on the sofa.

Ichigo turned to his stupefied fiancé. "Are you… alright?" as she shook her head in shock, Ichigo just sat beside her, touching her hand comfortingly.

The two sat like that for a while for a few minutes; one in shock and the other relishing the solitude. Then –

"Well, can't say you weren't truthful to your brother." Ichigo said finally, trying to lighten up the mood "It not like he believed you anyway. You just answered his question."

Rukia glared at Ichigo, "You piece of shit." She said, before she closed her eyes at embarrassment. "No one really takes me seriously. I won't be surprised if he sends someone from 4th division to handle my apparent mental breakdown."

"Look on the bright side, he's out of our hair."

"That's an understatement."

Rukia shook her head, mentally berating herself. "What was I thinking?"

There was a chuckle from beside her. Turning around, Rukia came face to face with an amused Ichigo looking at her. "So…" he trailed, looking at her in an obviously lewd manner. "The swimming pool? Want me to send Karin and Yuzu home, so we could try your brilliant idea?"

There was a resounding slap that broke the moment of silence.

A/N: Hmm. So, did you guys get the point? This is just a short chapter that just made me want to poke fun at Byakuya, Rukia, and Ichigo. I do hope it would be enjoyed. I also hope that this addresses the questions some people have. I don't know about you guys, but I really don't see Byakuya succeeding in giving his sister and future brother-in-law THE talk. That would be just weird in so many different levels.

Reviews are love people. I'd love to get reviews. The last chapter will probably be up next week or so.