Chapter 14: Thoughts Held and Thoughts Revealed
I've often wondered what purpose I have here.
That recent battle took much of my strength, and as I lay here today, I can't help but reconsider what I am fighting for...
Yes, these Gallians, these beast people are my friends, and some are even brethren, but it seems so strange that, as a Branded, I should be among them. (1.)
Truly, the human mind is so fickle! Not long ago, these laguz would have despised me and shunned me, just like those rebels are doing now.
But, then again, beorc aren't much better either...
Beorc, laguz, we're all the same, really. Yes, laguz have longer lives and because of that a chance to have a deeper experience, but in the end we're all the same.
Lucia... Ah... She is a great person, a beorc who fights so stalwartly for her family, her friends, and her comrades, yet she can break down in battle when times get too rough. I often worry for her, and even now I regret asking her to follow my plans and guide the army in my place... Will she be unhurt? Will she return to my side safe and sound? It will take days for me to know, and each passing day will leave me with dread.
I've spent years alone, staring out into the distance, dreaming of the day I'd make a name for myself, and though I have, in a way, still I feel unfulfilled... Have I repaid my debt to Ike, the one person who believed in me when all others scorned me? Have I fulfilled my duty for my friends, who have stood by me through these wars, and made sure that my frail, slow body wouldn't be a pincushion for arrows or a sitting duck for the enemy? I owe these people so much, but no matter what I do it doesn't seem enough...
I wonder if this is what Reyson feels when he is forced to stand there while enemy units torture our comrades? Now that I am wounded I can finally appreciate what a powerless person feels. After all, though I may be a member of this army, I can't fight... If any foe were to enter this tent, I'd be dead. I'm lucky Zihark and Muarim are out there right now... Kept them back here because they'd be the last to betray me.
But now... I must rest... Yes... Sleep is what I need...
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"Soren..."
The raven haired mage mumbled incoherently and shifted about in his bed.
"Soren... Soren!" She repeated, shaking his arm.
"Snort... Wha-? What?..." He shot up and shook his head, like a dazed fawn who has fallen over as it tries to learn how to walk. "Lu... Lucia?" He looked at her, and slowly he began to regain consciousness. "Lucia... You're... You're well!" He chuckled slightly, fatigue slowly draining from his head. "Lucia, your robe." Soren frowned and pointed at the thick white jacket she always wore. "It's dirty..."
Lucia scoffed slightly at the comment. "As if a robe was more important than the fate of a nation."
"Lucia..." Soren smirked, happy that she didn't seem to care so much about that article of clothing. "Victory... Was it ours?"
Lucia laughed. "Soren, wake up! If we hadn't won, would I have come all the way back here to rouse you from your sleep?" She gave him a few seconds to let the question sink in, and when he looked at her for the answer, she laughed. "Lethe would be in this tent, not me, and she wouldn't be laughing... No indeed..."
"Lucia... I was worried about you before I fell asleep... I thought you might face great danger."
"That I did, to be honest, but your plan startled both our comrades and the enemy. By having the Phoenicis hawks drop our Gallian friends to the south of the enemy's position and having them attack from that direction, you threw that entire fortification asunder. The Begnion troops, as you predicted, were panicking because they had no idea who was friend and who was foe. Because they were in a panic, they turned disorderly enough to attack each other in their mad rush for freedom and life, and we were able to take many of them down. The survivors went east, and probably regrouped with their rebel allies. But the fortress is ours. Janaff and Titania are currently holding that position as we speak. I personally came here to congratulate you on your great work. Ike's here, too. He wants to talk to you... Once I'm done with you, of course!" Lucia smiled.
"Did Astrid's unit get into trouble?"
"With Oscar as her reinforcement? Are you kidding me, Soren? On the contrary, they picked off quite a few ravens that were heading for us."
"That... That is wonderful news..."
"Indeed..."
"And to find you here, alive and well, is more than a blessing in itself."
"Soren..." Lucia felt a lump in her throat. She flushed slightly and looked away from him. Soren stared at her, his mind suddenly drifting off. "Ah, Lucia... If only I could tell you the whole truth..." He lamented inwardly, but he could never tell her his true heritage: how he was an abomination, or he might lose her...
"Soren." Lucia spoke, a little more seriously this time.
Soren snapped out of his trance. "Yes?"
She put her hand on his. "This war... it's broken too many hearts. I've heard our allies growl in the night. They've lost countless loved ones, family, and friends. Geoffrey and Elincia are safe in Crimea, so I need not worry about them... But for the rest of us, it's just so terrifying how fragile life is. I... I couldn't bear seeing you, or General Ike, or Titania, or, or even that pervert Gatrie fall... I lost too many friends last time... Too many people who were siblings to me, and I don't want to lose anyone else..." She shed a few tears, lamenting the loss of so many Crimean comrades who never saw their country's restoration.
Soren looked at her. He'd never seen her cry. She might break down and moan or scream in grief or pain, but she never shed tears. But here she was, crying in front of him. Soren gripped tightly on her hand. "Don't have doubts, Lucia... You said so yourself, gloom serves as a major distraction in battle. Have faith. We've gone through a lot... Hell, I almost died a few days back! You need not fear. We have each other, and we'll be watching each other's backs. Even Shinon, who hates Ike, would gladly lay his life on the line for him, because he knows that Ike will do the same. Lucia... You saved my life, and I will never hesitate to help you. These battles may be horrible, and deadly, but remember that we have each other, and you will not need to fear. I'll be there for you..."
He used a finger to wipe a tear from her eyes, and suddenly she grabbed the back of his head and drew him close. He felt soft lips press against his, and soon he felt her tongue. Soren flushed bright red. He had absolutely no experience in this "activity," and was worried that he was a horrid kisser because of it.
He put his arms around her waist, bringing her closer to him. He felt her body heat and it made him feel empowered, for some reason. He held the woman he loved in his arms. Yes, it must be love, there could be no other words to describe this... It wasn't lust, especially not on her part, because Soren looked much younger than her and was quite short and scrawny. Lucia was beautiful, yes, but so was Jill, and Lethe, and especially Astrid. Yes, Lucia was physically very pretty, but Soren could care less if her hair was disheveled or if there were blemishes here and there on her cheeks. No, what mattered was that she had such a happy look on her face whenever she was near him, and that she was such a caring and loyal person. That was the important part.
After a few minutes, Lucia broke the kiss and pulled back. "Soren..." She blushed, turning away from him. "I'm sorry... That was much too sudden. You're our tactician and... And you can't afford a distraction like this, right?"
"Lucia, why...?"
"I'm... I'm terribly sorry. I'll fetch Ike for you..." She got off the bed and bolted out of the tent.
"Lucia..."
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"Soren! We won! I'm sure Lucia's told you how great the battle fared. Er... Why do you look so gloomy?"
"'Twas a dream..."
"Pardon?"
"'Tis torture, and not mercy: heaven is here,
Where Lucia lives; and every cat and dog
And little mouse, every unworthy thing,
Live here in heaven and may look on her;
But Soren may not: more validity,
More honourable state, more courtship lives
In carrion-flies than Soren: they my seize
On the white wonder of dear Lucia's hand
And steal immortal blessing from her lips,
Who even in pure and vestal modesty,
Still blush, as thinking their own kisses sin;
But Soren may not; he is banished..." (2.)
Ike blinked, stunned at this sudden stream of poetic language. The warrior grabbed Soren's shoulders and shook him. "Don't go Bastian on me, Soren... Please... Snap out of it!"
But Soren kept a blank stare at Ike, and moaned. "Oh, vast Heaven, what sort of man am I?"
With a swift grab to the throat, Ike attacked Soren for the first time in their lives. Keeping his chokehold, Ike demanded, in a slow and terrifying growl: "Soren, snap out of this and tell me what happened!"
Ike released his hold and Soren gasped for air. "Were you trying to kill me?!" He snarled, his hand reaching for his neck, trying to relieve the pressure.
Ike smiled. "Nice to have you back."
"Yes." Soren grumbled bitterly. "It's been a pleasure being choked by you. Anyway, Lucia..." Soren began to phase out, but quickly regained consciousness. "Lucia kissed me, and ran away soon afterwards... I thought I had a chance with her..."
Ike laughed out loud. "You do not understand the womanly mind, do you?"
"Neither do you! You're also a man!" Soren growled.
Ike flinched at Soren's rage. "Yeah, I am... But I have more experience than you in this subject."
Soren thought for a minute, and calmed down. "True..."
"Lucia's just embarrassed as heck. She knows you have your duty to me and she has her duty to Queen Elincia. Furthermore, you are the master strategist of this army. A 'romantic distraction,' as Tanith would put it, is much too risky on your part. You can't afford to get distracted by her. She doesn't want you to make an error on her account: Lucia cares about your feelings and knows that you'd be distraught if you were defeated because you were thinking about her... Also, she's worried about the future. You can't afford to show any sign of favoritism over any of our troops, or they'd misinterpret it as you not caring about them, and they'd show their resentment. These are the reasons why she's acting like that."
Soren looked at Ike with amusement. "You've rehearsed this, haven't you?"
"Soren, I'm not an idiot. I've noted you and Lucia for some time now, and it's about time either of you finally took the incentive to show the other how you feel."
"Huh, so..."
"So I'm happy for you, but at the same time you should talk to her when you've fully recovered. Titania and Janaff are keeping the territory we recovered under control, so we don't have to worry about that. Rest up, Soren, you definitely earned it." Ike smiled as he left the tent.
"Lucia..." Soren muttered as sleep overtook him once again.
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That evening, Soren exited the tent and looked around. It seemed like most of their comrades were asleep, but Soren saw Muarim and Lyre cuddled together, looking at the moon. The mage smirked. At least Muarim would be able to overcome his sorrow with her by his side.
The mage turned and continued lurking in the darkness, letting the couple be.
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"The moon... I remember back in the day, when I was in the Gran Desert with my son. We'd stare at it awhile and wonder what other lands its light would shine on. Revolutionaries like us have traveled throughout Begnion, freeing laguz everywhere we went, but even so the moon has traveled far more than we've ever thought possible. It goes past the borders of Crimea, past the great sea to the west, and disappears, then reappears from the plains of Daein far to the east and goes over our heads again... It goes to places we can only dream of... Ah, Lyre, it's a blessing that I've made it here, in the place where my people call home, but even so there are so many more places that lie beyond the sea... I doubt if our hawk brothers, who can fly and spot the land from afar, would be able to tell us what wonders lie there..." Muarim mumbled as he stared at the moon.
"When you wander for too long, you lose that sense of home, that sense of belonging, and thus your heart is full of yearning. Why do you need to move along when you have friends and family here? Relax, Muarim, exploration makes life fun, but so does sitting down and spending time with those you cherish." Lyre sighed and leaned on his side.
Muarim chuckled and put his hand on her shoulder. "Thank you, Lyre, for everything..."
Lyre laughed and stretched slightly too. "Muarim, I should be thanking you."
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Oscar leaned on the side of a tree, watching Astrid laughing with Makalov next to a campfire. They were currently on watch, it seemed, and he just couldn't sleep through Kieran's snoring.
"I never had a grudge against Makalov..." Oscar mused. "Until now..."
Makalov was a man whose laziness often got the better of him. With a sly grin, he often slipped away from the Crimea knight brigade he was enlisted in to gamble in some basement of a questionable shop. Back then, either Lucia, Kieran, or Astrid had to go after him and make sure that he'd come back, and Astrid, with her deep kindness, was the least capable in controlling him. Both Kieran and Lucia knew how to coerce Makalov to fulfill his duty with their blades, but Astrid was gentle, and because of that Makalov was more willing to talk with and befriend her rather than avoid her.
Oscar shook his head. What did Astrid see in that idiot? It didn't make any sense.
At that moment, the green haired paladin heard a deep voice next to him. "By the gods..."
"Soren?" Oscar turned to the sullen mage. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be resting? C'mon... You were wounded..."
"I'm fine, Oscar, thanks. Are you ok? If anything, you don't look well at all..."
Oscar laughed. "I'm fine. It's nothing. I'm not sick or anything."
"But you are sick... Your heart..." Soren stopped before he'd say something he'd regret.
"And I thought you were cold and emotionless... Lucia has changed you for the better, I see." Oscar smirked.
Soren flushed. "I... I... How... How are you aware of that?!"
"You can see my romantic attractions, and I can see yours." Oscar smirked even wider.
"Fair enough. That unworthy wretch... It's an insult to the rest of us to call him a man... But how could we shake him off of Astrid?" Soren turned to Oscar and smirked. "I owe you, Oscar, and I also detest Makalov... I'll help play the matchmaker... As long as you keep Lucia and me a secret from the others."
"Um, sure..." Oscar smiled. Soren made his relationship with Lucia so obvious, so really there were no conditions. He'd win Astrid with Soren's help for sure!
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As the night dragged on, these warriors spent their precious moments together. War, fighting, battles, it was all the same, really. What made this moment special wasn't the fact that war was on the horizon, for, heck, war was always on the horizon. The fact was that they were spending time together with the people they cared about. In his dreams, Ike thought of Elincia and in hers, Lucia thought of Soren. Oscar thought of Astrid and, with Soren's support, was confident that they'd be able to free her from Makalov's machinations. Muarim and Lyre cuddled together, staring at the moon, and in their encampment, they were all close by. They were a family, and nothing could change that.
After a while, Astrid and Makalov went to their separate tents. Oscar yawned and, bidding Soren good night, went to brave Kieran's snoring. Soren himself yawned too, and went back to his tent, which by now had Ike snoozing on the side opposite to his bed. Soren smirked. Ike slept so peacefully, even though he had so many responsibilities in the day. It was good to see his brother in such a peaceful mood.
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1. Yes, Soren is my favorite character. These last few chapters have been centered around him because I like him so much. I'm not attracted to him in a physical sense, for I'd prefer someone like Lucia, but, yes, I do like Soren as a character, very much. This is because, like him, I tend to be quiet, stern (ask my friends, they'd agree), and often aloof. I feel like I can associate with many of his personality traits.
2. A modified passage from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Spoken by Romeo, by the way.
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Author's note: This chapter was intended for me to experiment with writing in the first person (which is why Soren had his little stream of thought. I also wanted to express some of the pairings in this fic and, as a final measure, seal Soren/Lucia for good. I also wanted Soren to express friendliness with someone other than Zihark/Muarim, and establish a friendship with someone who clearly disliked him. (Oscar mentions in POR that Soren was being a jerk for detesting his cooking.) So, yeah, there will be action next chapter, I promise.