Chapter Seven: New Life, New Freedom II
Paris, 1967
Hannah felt a strange sense of nostalgia as soon as she entered Paris, a city which she had never visited before. France was the country of her mother but Charlotte had no affection for Paris. She often spoke of the French country side where she grew up, the tranquillity and beauty of the scenery. Hannah, on the other hand, felt no desire to see the country side. Like her father, Hannah loved looking at the sea, pondering about its mystery and depth. Yet she did not miss the town where she grew up. This foreign city, however, felt so very familiar and she felt as though she was coming home for the first time in her life. Even the polluted air seemed to contain sweet melody. A promise of new life, new experiences, was here and perhaps Hannah could finally start to live her life. She may become a player on the stage for once, no longer a spectator of life around her.
Hannah's rented accommodation was a large, studio flat above a café in a busy street of Paris situated near the famous Opera Populaire. She did not need much furniture but she wanted enough room for large book shelves. It comforted her to think that she was now living at the heart of Paris. She was curious to learn more about the social revolution that was sweeping through major cities of the world at the time. She also knew that here in Paris she could at last learn the secret of sex, which was denied to her in the conservative American town.
It was not that she had no opportunity to explore the pleasures of the body in the small sea side town. Societies, however religious and vigilant, never could completely oppress the sensual desires. Extra-marital affairs and pre-marital sex did happen in that town just as they happened everywhere throughout human history. All that religion and social oppression achieved was to make the consequences more unpleasant to some of the perpetrators, the unlucky ones. She had seen how cruelly people treated women who got pregnant without the protection of marriage. Yet she also knew many girls in the town indulged themselves in similar acts while joining in the vicious attack against the disgraced women. In her desperate bid to raise Hannah in her own image, Charlotte preached to her about the female virtues and physical innocence before marriage, which did very little to repress Hannah's growing desire to explore the pleasures of her body. She did not accept that a physical communication between two adults would invite a damnation of a soul. Rather it was the denunciation of sex outside the wedlock that caused so much suffering to the soul.
James, on the other hand, decided to give Hannah a practical advice on the subject despite his uneasiness to talk about attraction between a man and a woman. Without Charlotte's knowledge, he taught Hannah the various methods of birth control women used throughout history, including the Rhythm Method and modern fertility awareness techniques. He also informed her of the dangers that could accompany the pleasures of sex, the existence of sexually transmitted diseases. "It is also important to know that many men would often shamelessly lie about their feelings to gain the pleasures of body. Many men still cling to the old distinction that divides women into either Maria or Prostitute. If you want to freely give yourself to a man, you should be prepared that he may despise you for your gift." His advice touched Hannah deeply though Hannah silently winced at the expression 'your gift'. She understood that her father wanted her to make an informed choice. Among all the living, he was the person who she felt most close to. It saddened her to think that she could not tell all her thoughts and feelings even to this wise and loving man.
In the end, it was her desire not to cause any discomfort to her father that kept her away from pursuing her sensual desires. The town loved its gossips, and her unusual appearance meant that her actions were likely to catch the attention of prying eyes. She also knew men boasted their conquests to their friends. It would have pained her father if the town's rather tasteless gossips included his daughter's sexual conduct. Like all fathers, James wanted Hannah to be admired and respected. He did not approve the petty ways of life in the town. This did not prevent him from wishing to keep Hannah away from once again becoming the subject of unpleasant rumours. But here in Paris, she would find out what it is like to make love to a man. No pretence of love was necessary. She would not disguise her curiosity in the name of love. She would not lie to herself or to the one who would agree to satisfy her curiosity.
Paris kept some of its promises to Hannah. She learned more about and lived amongst the new, exciting and radical events of her time, which had intrigued her mind for a while. She would often discuss the oppressive nature of existing social norms and argue for more rights for women, gays and minorities with young Parisians who embraced the social and sexual revolution of the sixties. She drank freely with her new friends, exploring how alcohol affected her mind and body. And in this city of promises, she made love to a few men, some novice and some experienced, even though her first sexual experience made her realise that there was nothing special about this particular experience, that she could derive equal or perhaps more pleasure from listening to Mozart. Perhaps there was a same principle working behind the sensual pleasures and pleasures of the Arts, the desire to transcend the conscious self and reach out beyond the walls of the individual conscious mind. For a while, her new experiences made her feel more alive in the world where her body resided. Yet she knew deep down that she still was a spectator, that it was impossible to lose herself completely in this world. Even during an act of sexual intercourse, she never lost that role. As the novelty of her new life was wearing thin, she once again took solace in her solitude, distancing herself as much as she could from the world and people in it. She was once again the observer, the outsider. It was then that the dreams started.