Chapter Eight: Dreams and reality
Thoughts and feelings, conscious and unconscious, travel beyond the confines of our body. Most of them remain oblivious to the consciousness of others, and it is due to this blissful fact that our inner thoughts and feelings stay within the safety of our private mind if we wish unless our body betrays them to the inquisitive eyes of another mind. They do reach, however, the unconscious realm of other minds, and our unconscious minds store a wealth of knowledge, some as old as the beginning of the universe, that the conscious mind cannot even begin to comprehend. For most people, the untamed realm of the unconscious are mostly unknown to their conscious ego, although there will be always some interaction between the two, for there is no clear boundary between them.
It was both a gift and a curse for Hannah that she had so much access to the secrets of the unconscious world. She remembered most of her dreams, the events she witnessed, the thoughts she read, and the feelings that reached her. It was through this ability she learned James' secret and Charlotte's torment, for feelings and thoughts so strong within the proximity of her body could not fail to reach her unconscious mind. At times, she wished to tell them what she knew, encourage them to go their separate ways and find happiness. Yet, she could not tell them about her secret ability. She felt a suffocating sense of guilt that her unwillingness to reveal herself even to her parents prevented them from releasing themselves from each other. But then, how would I have known that what was revealed to my dreams was indeed real, that those feelings and thoughts truly belonged to my parents? She would think in exasperation. How could I have claimed that anything I saw in my dreams happened in the realm of so called reality? Till the fateful night when she finally reached Erik, she did not fully grasp that her dreams too were real, even more so than the reality humans presented to each other as what they perceived as such.
When she made love to Erik, she lost herself completely to him. It was necessary for her to utterly abandon herself, drop all her guards, to become his longing, his desire and his need. Anything less could not have helped him to release the power of healing he held deep in his soul. But she had seen much suffering in her dreams before; yet she could do nothing to help those who were in pain and misery. It was Erik who gave her power to finally reach him. It was he who had made it possible for her to give herself to him without struggle, without efforts. They knew very little of each other's respective lives in their separate worlds, but they understood why they had been drawn to each other. They grasped the special connection between them, a connection which transcended time, so very old and new at the same time.
Hannah continued her visits each night, and learned about Erik's life little by little. She didn't ask him many questions. He didn't have to say much. As soon as he started to talk, she could clearly see the images, read thoughts and feel the emotions in his mind. All she needed was to rock her gaze into his and concentrate. But most of the time she let him continue to talk. She loved hearing his voice, sensual and commanding, and watching his lips move seductively. Erik soon learned to read Hannah's thoughts and feelings too. He knew that even when he stopped talking, she was reading his thoughts and felt his emotions. When his thoughts of his past threw him into bitter turmoil, he saw that Hannah was in turmoil too. He realized that what Hannah felt was not pity. It wasn't even compassion. It was pure empathy. She was living his emotions without a barrier of the self and its protection.
She didn't ask, but he knew she wanted to know about Christine… the woman he thought he could have died for, the woman who had tormented him for so long. "Must you know?" he sighed, looking into Hannah's curious gaze.
"You have been avoiding any thoughts of her in my presence," Hannah replied, "but not very successfully. I've seen her images and felt some of your emotions towards her. You have not forgotten her, and I am interested in finding out about the woman who still undoubtedly haunts your conscious mind."
Erik was surprised to find that there was no jealousy in Hannah's heart. Instead, it was filled with genuine fascination and sadness. "You are worried that soon dreams may not be enough for me. You both want and dread that I find love in this world where my body is trapped. But Hannah, all I need is to remember you clearly when I awake, and I will be content with our beautiful dreams just as you are… even if I cannot find a way to for us to be together in our waking moments. I'm sure it will happen eventually. Just don't give up hope and abandon me, thinking you are doing me a favor."
"I will not leave your dreams as long as you need me." Hannah smiled, happy that Erik now could read her thoughts so accurately. "Now, tell me about Christine."
Erik told Hannah about his relationship with Christine from the time she came to live in the Opera house till the time he let her go with her fiancé. Hannah listened without disrupting him once. She merely frowned at Christine twice during the story for her acts of betrayal. What bothered Hannah was not that Christine sought Raoul's protection and love to escape from Erik. It was her shameless denial of her fascination over darkness and music that Erik had created. Hannah suspected that self-deception was at the root of Christine's cruel denial of all the beauty of darkness that Erik had revealed to her. Christine's second betrayal, exposing his deformity for all to see, was another act of desperate attempt to protect herself from the all consuming passion that had stirred inside her. Christine was a contradiction. She was compassionate and heartless at the same time. She looked naïve and innocent about the ways of the world; yet she made a series of boringly sensible decisions to Erik's despair. She was capable of so much passion, despite her vulnerable and childlike front.
"Your reflection on Christine amuses me Hannah," Erik said, with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. "You are intrigued by her and find her beautiful. You see beauty in my passion for her. Honestly, do you ever feel jealous?" Erik saw then jealousy was a foreign emotion to Hannah. He wanted her to be jealous, to want him all to herself, to tell him to get over Christine once and for all. Perhaps he should sing her the seductive songs that he had whispered into Christine's ears, just to make her jealous.
"I would love to hear them," Hannah chuckled quietly. "Was that the real connection between you and Christine? Music?"
Erik nodded silently, and then replied, "She understood my music, the essence of it, my loneliness, my longing, my passion and even my despair. And she brought my music to life, make my songs take wing. I felt that I had found that person whom I had been looking for all my life." Erik smiled, sensing a spark of jealousy rising from Hannah's heart. It made him happy to know that he was the first to evoke that emotion within her. That happiness was quickly replaced by guilt and concern for Hannah. "But I know now that she wasn't, and you know this as well," Erik added hastily, taking her hand to his lips. "I'm sorry, Hannah. I just wanted to see you jealous."
It was very rare that people found their soul mate in their limited time on Earth. Many gave up the hope and built love and affection with those who they happened to meet and became attracted to. Others believed they found their original half only to wake up to the cold reality that they had been wrong. Still, others believed wrongly but lived happy together and died in peaceful ignorance. What would Erik's life have been like if Christine had chosen him over Raoul? Hannah wondered. It was possible he could have found happiness with her. It was also possible he could have become disillusioned. Either way, she was certain Erik would have stayed by Christine's side. But it was Erik and Christine's connection through music that had made Hannah feel uneasy. She could not give Erik the voice that would make his music take flight. Hannah did not like the unfamiliar emotion that had invaded her heart. Does love inevitably lead to sacrifice? She felt miserable, and she had never been miserable for herself before.
"Which year are you living in?" Erik asked, trying to turn her thoughts away from the one subject he didn't feel comfortable discussing with Hannah.
"1970. You?"
"1870. I must visit you sometime. It would be interesting to know how people live in future."
"You will find 1970 interesting. When you come and visit me, I will tell you all about the social and sexual revolution. Oh, no. 1870, did you say?"
Erik nodded, sensing Hannah's fear and pulling her tightly into his arms, where she always felt safe.
"That is the year of the Franco-Prussian War. There will be a siege of Paris, and then there will be a revolution in Paris."
"There is a talk of an immanent war," Erik replied calmly in his mesmerizing voice. "But you must trust me. I'm a survivor, and I will not endanger myself now that I have you. Tell me what you know about the war and revolution."