Chapter Eighteen: Love and sacrifice

When Hannah heard him willing her into his conscious world, she fought him, still unsure whether she actually wanted to live with him in the realm of consciousness. She fought the will of her soul mate, the only man who could make her feel whole and give her life concrete meaning.

She had seen him and Christine together through his ring, watching every move they made in their sensual encounter, unable to tear her eyes from the scene. She found it rather odd that she was so engrossed in watching two people having sex. It was understandable that she wanted to see some of the performance. After all, she wanted to know exactly what Christine meant to Erik. But the fact that she neither was getting bored nor found the whole thing incredibly ridiculous started to unnerve her. She had watched porn films before but never managed to stay awake till the end of the viewings. She would laugh a bit and then fall asleep. There was nothing more off putting for the idea of making love than seeing others actually doing it. The look of adoration that the actors put on after seeing each other naked had made her burst into laughter. Had Freud ever watched a porn film, he could not have talked about Penis Envy with such certainty. The much prized male organ, in her eyes, was the most awkward looking part of the human body, the act of penetration a futile effort to hide its gracelessness. But this time, the nakedness of two bodies didn't make her laugh. The usually meaningless, repetitive motions of coupling didn't bore her. The actors looked so beautiful and passionate together, as though they had belonged to each other. But if Erik and Christine belonged together, where did it leave Hannah? Could she have been wrong about her connection to Erik? Did this mean that she had truly lost him? As she watched on, fear and doubts grew in her mind. By the end of the viewing, she became convinced that Erik no longer needed her.

Damn you Hannah. Damn your principles and curiosity. She was not angry with Erik. She was angry with herself for letting it happen. She had no one but herself to blame for her misery. She could have helped Erik's conscious self to remember her and could have prevented his affair with Christine. It was her choice not to use that one power she held over him. She understood that Erik could have remembered her without her help, had it not been for his need to find the answers to the questions of his conscious self. Some things just had to run their course; otherwise the mind would never be free from beautiful illusions. The power of unrequited love could be intoxicating and blinding, as it spared the dreamer of the reality of everyday life with his beloved. Love denied was love that created. In that perpetual dream, the dreamer would create an image that had little resemblance to a living human… but that of an angel. Hannah would not interfere, when it was Erik's only chance to find out the true nature of the connection between him and Christine. But was it wrong of her to have hoped that he would somehow remember her? Did Christine mean so much to him that his conscious self could not recollect his promise to her, not even once during the whole affair? Did their sensual encounter have to look so perfect?

Despondent and alone, she refused to sleep that night. She could not face him; she did not know how to. When her exhausted body took her unwilling mind to sleep, she didn't dream. The next day, Hannah's usual confidence returned to her. After contemplating Erik's affair with Christine, long and hard, she decided that the ring's active role in revealing the event could only mean one thing; a chapter of his life was finally closed. Erik was finally free of Christine. Although it was a comforting thought, this development led to another concern. It meant that he could fulfill his promise any day now, with or without her assistance. She did not think it could happen so soon. She was not sure whether they were ready to cohabit in the same world.

She needed to clear her head, without Erik telling her everything would be just fine. It was true that she gave herself entirely to Erik in her dreams. However, that was no real sacrifice. Everything was safe in the realm of dreams. She could remain herself, however much she gave. Living with him in reality was another matter.

She could not possibly ask him to leave his world. He had more of a life there than she could ever have in any world. That just left one possibility. She would have to leave the only life she knew behind, which, admittedly, she didn't have much attachment to. Nevertheless, she was comfortable there. She had independence; she didn't have to rely on anyone. In his world, she had nothing; she had to rely on him for everything. She needed to know just how much sacrifice she could make for him, even though she knew she could not resist going back to him for long. Erik needed to know what he could expect from her before he made his promise a reality.

Another sleepless night passed, followed by a dreamless morning, testing her will to stay away from Erik to the very limit. Life with him, however miserable, was better than life without him. She could not make decisions alone. She just hoped he would not take any rash actions before they discussed their future together. She eagerly awaited another night. When it finally came, she realized that something went wrong; she could not see him in her dream. Instead, his voice found her, calling her to his side. She could not follow his call, not before they talked things through properly. But his determination did not waver, despite her struggle against his will. Stop it, Erik. I'm not ready yet. She fought him hard till it dawned on her that he could die trying to bring her to him. At that moment, she realized that she could make that final sacrifice she had been so afraid of making. She let his will descend on her and made it as her own.

Erik was floating in space, without purpose, without the weight of his being. He felt his body took leave of the Earth and the laws of gravity. Many times in a life of torment and passion, he had wished to feel what he was experiencing at that moment. But now that he felt finally free from his mortal existence, he did not find this freedom desirable. It did not feel right. He had to go back, because there was something that he could not leave behind; someone who made his existence tolerable, even pleasant. No, these are not quite the right expressions. His thoughts continued to wander. Fulfilled… Yes, fulfilled. I must go back, but my body seems to be free of my will. I cannot do this on my own. I must call her.

"Hannah!" Her name, at long last, escaped his lips, sharply pulling her out from a death-like sleep. Her eyelids blinked several times in confusion, before she recognized the man lying next to her, his head to the side and his back towards the ceiling. The light emitting from a bronze oil lamp, fastened to a wall near his side of the bed, brushed his features gently, almost seductively. She looked at his familiar face, half buried in a soft pillow, with relief and astonishment. He was lying there fully clothed next to her nakedness, covered only by his cloak. He is exhausted. She thought. He might not be comfortable… sleeping like this. She began to undress him, starting with his boots, and then moving on to his jacket. After much struggle and clumsy efforts, she completed both tasks, before she finally realized something was very wrong with Erik. He didn't stir…not even once. His stillness unnerved and frightened her. Erik, what is happening to you? With strength that she did not know she had possessed before, she quickly pulled him out of the remaining clothes. She covered him with soft blankets, and slid into the bed next to him. Wrapping her arms gently around him, she parted his cold lips with her own and slowly breathed her warmth into his still body. "Erik…" She called him repeatedly, till she felt his body ever so slightly responding to hers. "Come back to me."

He felt warmth encircling his drifting body, slowly waking his senses. Can something so light contain the force of gravity? Erik wondered, as the tenderness pulled him towards the ground. For once, he did not feel morbid indignation at the prospect of falling. Her voice was calling him, giving his fall a purpose and direction. As her will touched and merged into his, his fall came to an end. His body once again heeded and obeyed his will.