All We Are
You were shaded with patience, and strokes of everything, that I need just to make it, and I can see that...
"So..."
"So." Derek looks around the restaurant and out on to the boardwalk. "This is a nice place."
"The restaurant, or the city where I live?"
He smiles. "Both."
Addison nods. "I know." She takes a sip of her iced tea and sighs. "Derek, we've been here twenty minutes and you haven't said a word. You're the one that wanted to have lunch."
"I just said..."
"Derek!" Addison sighs. "Look, I told you that I would help when I could, but I have a job. You've been here a week and you haven't done anything but hang around Oceanside."
"Not true." Derek pouts. "I got a job."
"Yes, because Cooper's ex-whatever is still Chief-of-Staff and is your biggest fan...you realize you've downgraded from Neurosurgeon to ER Surgeon, right?"
"At least I'm still a surgeon." He says, grinning.
She glares at him as the waitress brings their food. "Derek, what do you want?"
He waits until the waitress leaves and then sighs. "I need a place to stay."
"You have millions of dollars, Derek. Buy one."
"I don't have time to look, I start at St. Ambrose on Monday."
Addison stares at him for a minute and then shakes her head. "No."
"Addie..."
"No, Derek, no. I am not letting you move into my guest room!"
"Come on, please?" He smiles softly and runs his fingers through his hair. "It won't be for that long, just until I get situated enough at St. Ambrose to take a little time to find a place."
"Stay at the hotel."
"Aubrey keeps waking people up. I've gotten 6 noise complaints in the last two days."
"So instead you'd rather she wake me up?" Addison rolls her eyes. "I don't think so, Derek."
"Addie, you sleep through everything." He reaches across the table for her hand. "I need this."
Addison shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Derek, I can't."
"Why not?"
"I-because it's weird, that's why not!" She yanks her hand away from his and folds her arms over her chest. "We've been divorced for four years, I'm not letting you and your baby move into my house."
"Fine." Derek slams his fist into the table. "Thanks for nothing."
"Hey!" She leans across the table. "I don't owe you anything, Derek Shepherd. You left me."
"You slept with Mark first."
"No, Derek, you left me first." Addison lets out a sigh. "Four years later and you still don't understand that?"
"Understand what?"
"You left me long before I slept with Mark. It doesn't matter that we were still married, or that you kissed me good morning or slept next to me in that bed...you were too engrossed in your work to notice that I was dying without you."
His face softens. "I'm different now, Addie."
She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. You hurt me. And I don't care how many years it's been, I'm not ready to let you back in yet."
"Add..."
"I'm sorry, Derek." She stands, tossing a 20 dollar bill on the table for her lunch before turning to leave. "You're just going to have to find somewhere else."
He does.
Sam, who is trying to figure out what the hell kind of a relationship he's really having, offers Derek his guest room when Derek tells him about the lunch with Addison. Sam feels like he needs some guy time anyway.
What he forgot about was the baby.
The first few days are fine, because he and Derek are on opposite shifts and Derek always puts Aubrey in daycare when he works, but when Derek asks Charlotte to put him back on day shifts, Sam starts to lose sleep. Mostly because Aubrey has more screaming power than he's ever hear before.
When Sam falls asleep in their staff meeting for the third day in a row, Naomi corners Addison and begs.
"I never get to see him anymore."
"Maybe you two should just move in together."
"We're not ready for that yet."
Addison rolls her eyes. "Nae, you guys were living together two months into your relationship back in med school. What is the difference?"
"The difference is that we're trying to take it slow this time."
"Three years?"
"Addison, please."
"I can't have him living with me! He had a baby with another woman, who died, and I just—I can't!"
"Well what is Sam supposed to do?"
Addison sighs. "Sam is not my problem. Neither is Derek. Why can't you just let Sam and Derek figure it out on their own?"
"Because they won't."
"Well I guess that's the way it is." Claire poked her head in the door and Addison nodded. "I have a patient, Nae." Naomi leaves and Addison tells Claire to give her two minutes. When Claire leaves Addison reaches for the pillow on her couch and screams into it as loud as she possibly can. Los Angeles was supposed to be her thing, a place where there was no McSteamy, and certainly no McDreamy, but it looked as if that was no longer going to be the case.
"You've got to go."
"What?"
"I'm sorry," Sam sighs and runs his hand over his head. "You're my friend, and I know things are tough for you right now, but it's three in the morning. I can't keep waking up like this. I need better sleep."
"So do I, Sam. She's still adjusting."
"You've been in Los Angeles for a month and my house for three weeks, how much adjusting does she need?"
"Dude, come on."
"I'm sorry, Derek. Tomorrow is your day off. Find someplace else to live."
When Addison steps out of her office, she's surprised to find Dell cradling Aubrey to his chest. The dark hair on her head has started to curl even more and her blue eyes are wide open, staring at Dell as if he's the most interesting thing in the world.
"Where's Derek?" She asks, running her hands over Aubrey's hair and immediately getting the little girls attention.
"Trying to find a place to live."
"Sam finally kicked him out, huh?"
Dell nods and then looks over at Addison. "You know..."
"Please don't start."
He sighs. "I was just going to say, this shouldn't be about whether or not he's your ex-husband. He's a friend in need. Imagine all that he's going through."
"Dell..."
"His fiance died just over a month ago, he can't sleep because he's not skilled enough with babies to get his little girl to calm down...what if it was Sam? Or Cooper? Or Pete?"
Addison shook her head. "That's different."
"Why? You've known Sam as long as you've known Derek, you've slept with Pete...it's not that different."
"Yes, it is."
"Addison." Dell hands the baby to her and shakes her head. "It's not that different. Stop thinking about yourself."
"I'm not!" Dell shakes his head and walks away and Aubrey lets out a gurgle, causing Addison to look down. "Are you agreeing with him?" Aubrey coos and then wrinkles her face and Addison laughs. Aubrey's eyes widen and her hand reaches up to grab Addison's hair. "You're pretty cute." Addison heads back in to her office and settles on her couch. She lifts Aubrey up and sets her feet on her legs, holding the little girl up with one hand on her back and one on her butt. "Would you like to live with me?" Aubrey gurgles and reaches for her hair again. Addison laughs. "I guess I'm going to take that as a yes."
"You're not even going to help?" Derek asks, setting his end of the double bed down with a heavy sigh and receiving a groan from Sam on the other end.
Addison smirks. "I am helping. I'm watching the baby."
"Fine." He counts to three and lifts the bed back up as he and Sam carrying the mattress up the stairs to the guest room. Addison curls her legs underneath her and watches as Aubrey tries to lift her head off of the blanket. Aubrey lets out a sound of protest and her head drops back down. Addison lifts her up and bounces her around in her arms and then cradles her to her chest. Derek watches from the foyer and then Sam claps him on the back and they head back out to the moving van, passing Naomi and Violet on the way.
"Look at you, with the baby." Naomi says, grinning and sitting down on the couch. "You really love that little kid, don't you?"
"I love all babies." Addison says, smirking as Aubrey reaches for Violet's curls.
"Well you're going to have one more to love pretty soon." Naomi beams.
"Huh?"
"I'm pregnant."
Violet spins, letting out a yelp when Aubrey's grip on her hair tightens. "You're what?"
Addison shakes her head. "How did this happen?"
"You know, for an OB/GYN you're kind of slow." Naomi laughs and Addison rolls her eyes. "It just happened. I'm six weeks along."
Addison grins. "Nae, that's wonderful!"
"Sure, because we need more babies around the clinic." Violet shakes her head. "I mean Congratulations and all..."
Naomi laughs. "It's okay Vi. I know you don't really like kids."
"Especially not this one." Violet turns to Aubrey and frowns. "Let go of my hair." Aubrey lets out a giggle and yanks and Addison bursts into laughter. "Boy, you're funny."
"Who's funny?" Derek asks, coming into the room.
"Your kid won't let go of my hair."
He laughs. "She's pretty great, right?"
"Yes, Derek, wonderful." Violet deadpans. He laughs and takes Aubrey from Addison, managing to pull Violet's hair from the little ones grasp without hurting Violet too much. Cooper and Dell arrive with food, and as her coworkers and ex-husband mingle and talk, Addison feels like maybe this whole thing wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Six months pass almost without notice. Charlotte puts Derek back on the night shift when Aubrey is three months, and Addison doesn't see either of them for almost two weeks before Derek takes a night off. Aubrey is getting bigger and starting to look more and more like Meredith, with Derek's eyes and hair. When Aubrey reaches seven months she starts to mumble words like, "ma" and "boo", and her favorite game is "Peek-a-boo", but only when Addison and Sam play it with her, otherwise she still likes a game Violet calls "Aubrey's helping me lose my hair early".
One what would have been their 15th anniversary, Addison comes home from Naomi's check-up (she's seven and a half weeks along and doing wonderfully) to find the house lit with candles and Derek cooking in the kitchen.
"What is this?" She asks, setting her purse on the counter.
He turns and smiles. "It would have been our 15th anniversary today."
"Oh."
"I just thought it would be nice."
Addison nods and looks around the room. "Where's Aubrey?"
"Maya is watching her next door."
"Okay..." She sighs. "What's going on, Derek?"
"I just thought we could have dinner."
"Derek..."
"Just dinner, Addie."
She nods. "Okay."
Two bottles of wine later, Addison is curled up next to him on the couch as they watch Pillow Talk and Derek was running his fingers through her hair. She starts to snuggle closer to him and as she falls asleep she hears him whisper, "I love you, Addie" and then spends the next two months pretending she has no idea he said it.