All We Are

Lord knows I've failed you, time and again, but you and me are alright

When Aubrey wakes up on her first birthday, she is no longer comfortably settled between the two adults in her life. Instead she is snuggled against Derek's chest, Addison's side of the frequently shared bed cold and empty.

"Dada." Aubrey tugs on her father's shirt, trying to pull her self up. "Wake!" Derek frowns and tries to pull Aubrey closer and get her to settle, but she just tugs at his shirt harder. "Waaake!"

"Alright," Derek groans and groggily opens his eyes. "I'm awake."

"Addie." She whimpers, pointing to the empty side of the bed. Derek frowns and sits up; searching the room for a sign that Addison was still there somewhere. Instead he finds a post-it note stuck to the back of his bedroom door, and slides out of bed to get it, putting a pillow next to Aubrey.

"Aunt Naomi is having her baby." He says, smiling. "Addie will be back after the baby is born."

"Mine."

Derek frowns. "No, sweetie, the baby's not yours."

Aubrey makes a face. "Addie, mine!"

He laughs softly and crawls back into bed, lifting Aubrey in to his lap. "Your Addie will be back as soon as she can, I promise." Aubrey lets out a frustrated sigh and then wriggles around in his lap until she's comfortable. "Do you know what today is?"

"No."

"It's your birthday." Derek says softly. "You're a year old."

"No."

He laughs. "Yes."

"No."

"We're going to teach you a new word."

"No." Aubrey giggles this time and buries her face in Derek's chest. He rubs her back and hugs her tight, kissing the top of her head.

"Happy Birthday little one."

"No."

When Addison finally arrives home that afternoon, Derek and Aubrey are in the back, Derek sitting in the sand and letting Aubrey crawl around on a blanket next to him. Addison kicks her heels off in the kitchen and walks calmly out to the beach before dropping to her knees, scooping Aubrey into her arms and hugging her as tight as she can.

"Addie." Aubrey whispers, not seeming to be bothered by the fact that Addison is nearly cutting off her breathing and sobbing into her hair. Derek reaches for Addison and her body starts to shake as she continues to cry. "No cry." Aubrey says, tilting her head back. "No."

"Addison, what's wrong?" Derek asks softly. "What happened?"

She shakes her head and hugs Aubrey tighter, not even realizing what she's doing until the little girl lets out a sound of protest and Addison finally loosens her grip. "There were complications." She says softly, wiping her tears and smoothing out the curls on Aubrey's head.

"Oh, Addie..."

"I had to choose. I had to choose between Naomi and her son." She lets out a sob. "Dell tried so hard. He tried so hard to save that baby but by the time Naomi was stable and I could get to the baby...there was nothing I could do."

Derek sighs softly. "Oh my god."

"Cooper sent Dell and I home, but I'm going back tomorrow. I want to be there when Naomi wakes up. I want to tell her how hard we tried."

"She'll know." Derek takes her hand as she lets Aubrey settle in her lap. "She'll know you tried your hardest."

Addison nods softly. "Sam said they were going to name him Devin. Devin Samuel Bennett."

"How is Sam?"

"He's devastated." Addison sets Aubrey back on the blanket and leans in to Derek. "The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. I clamped and cut it, but by the time I realized what was happening he was nearly blue. And then Naomi started hemorrhaging so I handed the baby to Dell. He mostly knew what he was doing; we were just...too late."

"I thought you said you had to choose."

She nods. "I was cutting the umbilical cord when she started bleeding. If I had been more careful with the cord and removed it from around his neck...but I couldn't, so I just cut it off and handed him to Dell.

"Addie..."

"I panicked."

"Anyone else in your situation would have done the same thing."

"I'm the best, Derek..."

"Addison, stop beating yourself up. It's not your fault."

She starts to cry again and Aubrey crawls into her lap and tugs on Addison's shirt. "Birday?"

Addison lets out a soft gasp. "Oh, I forgot." She wipes her tears and kisses Aubrey's head. "Happy Birthday sweetheart."

Aubrey shakes her head. "Baby? Birday?"

Addison frowns. "Derek, I..."

"I think she wants to know if she shares a birthday with the new baby."

"Birday baby." Aubrey says her blue eyes wide.

"Oh," Addison shakes her head. "No, sweetie, you don't share a birthday with the new baby. There is no new baby."

"No baby?"

"No."

"Nae cry?"

Addison nods. "Yes. Naomi's going to be very sad." Aubrey's face wrinkles and she reaches up and hugs Addison, who smiles softly and tries to relax a little.

A couple of hours later they eat, and then let Aubrey have her cake, which she promptly digs her face into, giggling when Derek takes a picture to send to his mother and then Addison jumps up to wipe the frosting off of the dress Aubrey's wearing.

They watch the sunset from the back porch and Aubrey falls asleep in Derek's arms; head resting under his chin; fist clutching his maroon shirt. He takes her up to the nursery and settles her in her crib, tucking a blanket around her and kissing her forehead. "Good night little one." He says softly, leaving the light on the changing table on as he leaves the room.

"She's getting so big." Addison says, coming up the stairs as he turns his end of the baby monitor on. "I don't think you'll be able to call her little one for much longer."

He smirks. "She'll always be my little one." Addison nods and leans against the railing. "Do you want a glass of wine or something?"

She shakes her head. "No. I was just coming up to say goodnight. I think I'm going to try and get some sleep."

"Okay." He kisses her cheek, something that she's become accustomed to as the last year has passed. It no longer feels awkward to have him near her. "I'll see you in the morning then."

"Yeah." She heads down the stairs and into her master bedroom, slipping into flannel pants and a tank top before snuggling under the covers. It takes her twenty minutes to realize that she no longer likes sleeping alone, and she reaches for her cell, because while her mind is still whirring, her body is actually far too tired to make the trek up to the guest room.

"Are you alright?"

"Um," Addison clears her throat. "Will you come sleep down here?"

"R-really?"

"Please, Derek." She takes a shaky breath, the tears from earlier coming back. "I-I need you."

"Yeah, I'm coming." He hangs up the phone and she's barely set her phone on the bedside table before he's in the room, setting the baby monitor on her dresser and crawling into the bed. "Is everything okay?"

She rests her head on his chest and shrugs. "I don't know. I just...Naomi doesn't even know what happened yet. And I...I just feel so bad for her."

"Addie, she'll pull through it. Naomi's a tough nut. So is Sam and they'll get through this together."

"We didn't." She says softly, closing her eyes. "And they're already divorced."

"This is different." Derek sighs. "When you lost the baby, I...I wasn't around. I thought that leaving you alone with your girl feelings would be easier for both of us." He lets out a grunt when she smacks his chest after his 'girl feelings' comment, but keeps on going. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I should have forced you to talk about it, and then maybe..."

"Maybe what?" She asks when he trails off. "Maybe we'd still be together?"

"Maybe we would, Addie."

She nods and he runs his fingers through her hair. "You still love me."

"W-what?"

"I heard you tell me. A few months ago." She tilts her head up. "Why?"

"Why did I tell you? Or why do I still love you?"

"Both."

"I told you because...well, honestly, I thought you were asleep. Although I guess a small part of me was hoping you were awake and would look up at me and tell me that you loved me too." He lets out a soft sigh and settles his hand on her shoulder. "And I still love you because I never stopped. We both did stupid things, Addie, but we were meant to be together."

"Derek..."

"I'm serious. I never should have hurt you. I want you to want to be with me again."

Addison let out a sigh. "Right now I just need you to hold me. Can you do that?"

"Of course I can." He presses a soft kiss to her lips and hugs her tight, tucking the blankets around her. She cries a little more, unable to help it after everything that has happened in just a few hours, and he rubs her back and runs his fingers through her hair until she's asleep in his arms.

Addison wakes slowly in the morning, feeling comfortable and safe still wrapped in his arms. She manages to wriggle out of the bed without waking him, and steps into her bathroom. She looks awful; her hair is disheveled and she's got mascara on her face, so she pulls her hair into a ponytail and washes her face. She dresses quietly and tiptoes out of the bedroom after leaving Derek a note on a post-it she attaches to the baby monitor.

When she arrives at St. Ambrose, Cooper is pacing outside Naomi's hospital room, Violet sitting on the chair across from him. Violet sees her first, and her face pales a little.

"What is it?" Addison asks, rushing to the door. "What's wrong?"

"Dell got here a few minutes ago. Sam told Naomi this morning she was fine; sad, but fine until Dell showed up." Violet places her hand on Addison's shoulder. "I don't think you should go in."

"I have to go in."

"Addison, she kicked Dell out so fast his head spun." Cooper said, leaning against the wall. "I really don't think it would be a good idea..."

"I don't care." Addison pushes past him and opens the door to the room. Sam turns around, his face streaked with tears, and Naomi looks up. "Nae..."

"You couldn't save him."

"Naomi, I tried." She shuts the door behind her, leaving Cooper and Violet in the hall outside. "I had to choose."

"What?"

"You started bleeding so fast...it was you or the baby, Nae and I...I couldn't let you go."

"You chose me because I'm your friend. Always save the baby, Addie, always!"

"No!" Addison stalks across the room, shoving Sam out of the way. "If I had focused on the baby instead of you, you could have died, don't you understand?"

Naomi bursts into tears and Addison closes her eyes, trying to fight off her own tears and focus on her best friend. When Naomi reaches for her hand Addison opens her eyes slowly, letting the tears trail down her cheeks.

"Oh, Addie…"

"I tried so hard, Nae. I did. Dell and I both did." She settles on the edge of the bed and squeezes her friend's hand. "I'm so sorry."

Naomi nods. "I know. I just…I can't believe this."

Sam sits down on the other side of the bed. "We're going to get through this, Nae. We're going to be fine."

"Sam…"

"No, Naomi, I love you. And we'll survive this, I promise."

"You will." Addison smiles softly. "You guys are strong."

"You and Derek…" Naomi takes a shaky breath. "You guys didn't survive this."

"Derek and I are different people…we were different then." She says softly. "He wasn't around and when he finally tried to be I pushed him away. You guys aren't like that."

"But…"

"Naomi." Addison takes hold of her friend's hands and grips them tightly. "Whether he's currently your husband or not, Sam loves you, and he's not going anywhere. You two will be fine."

"She's right," Sam says, running his fingers through Naomi's hair. "We're going to be just fine."

When Addison arrives home that afternoon the house is empty. The note on the fridge tells her that Derek is at work and that he and Aubrey will be home around nine. She heads into her bedroom to find that he's made her bed and cleaned up the clothes and shoes that had been lying on her floor for God only knows how long. There's a single red rose on her pillow and Addison kicks her shoes off and curls up on the bed, her hand wrapping around the flower stem and her face burying in the pillow Derek slept on the night before, which still smells like him.

This is how Derek finds her when he arrives at the house that evening, and when he lays a blanket over her, her eyes flutter open.

"I didn't mean to wake you." He says softly. "How did it go today?"

"It was okay," her voice is laced with sleep and she rubs her eyes a little, getting mascara on her hand. "I think Naomi and Sam are going to be alright."

"That's good."

"Yeah." She smiles softly and stares out her window, her thumb running gently over the soft rose petals.

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"No."

He smiles. "You sound like Aubrey." Addison lets out a soft laugh and then starts to cry, burying her face in her hands. "Addison…"

She doesn't say anything for a few minutes and just continues to cry as he rubs her back, trying to get her to calm down. "S-sorry." She finally stutters, looking up at him.

"It's alright." He runs his fingers through her hair. "What can I get you?"

"Nothing."

"You don't need anything?" He asks softly, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks.

"Just you," she whispers, biting her lip. "Can I have you?"

He smiles. "I'm all yours."