"Tryin' to save 'im?" said the guard captain incredulously. "Well tha' would explain tha', then, wouldn' it?"
"Look, that was the Heimlich Maneuver! Everyone knows that you use it to save choking people!" But in my heart I knew there was no use. This was Captain Samuel "the Wild" Pomeroy, a guard known for his 'connect the dots' mentality. You had a criminal, you had a crime, if you drew a line between them then the crime was solved. He didn't have any time for silly words like 'citizens' rights' or 'innocent until proven guilty'. He had become a guard because it had a good dental plan and you got to boss people around with the reassurance that there were a large number of people who would kill them if they didn't want to be bossed.

"Everyone knows it, then? Oh really? I didn' know it, did I?"
"No. You didn't. Listen, I know that you don't believe me, but just hear me out; I'm a detective, and I'm here to find who stole the Elder Scroll from the Imperial city-"

"We don' need a bleedin' detective! We know what happened! Yew was found with Mr. Batchelor's thieved Scroll, yew was! Tha' makes yew an accessory to the fact, as well as an assaultis'!"

"Accessory to what fact?"
"Um… the fact tha' yew did it, yew bastard!"
"Look, there are seven guards outside, seven guards! They're my escort from the Imperial City, they'll vouch for me!"
A look of panic crossed Captain Samuel's face. Harassing some random citizen from the Big City was one thing, harassing someone important enough to merit an escort was quite another. I noticed the look, and allowed one of glee to cross my own face.

"Yep, that's right, you're really in the crap now, aren'tcha?!"
"Um, erm, um, I'll, um, just be back in a second…"
His heavy boots clanged up the stairs. I sat back and relaxed. So what if I had been captured? The escort would have me out in a jiffy, and even if they didn't, it would be only two, maybe three days work to find out who I was and for these idiots to send straight back home. I could find a way to enact revenge later.

The clanging noise filled the dungeon again as the captain ran back down the stairs. He hit the bottom at full run and knelt over, huffing and puffing.

"Righ'!" he shouted between pants for breath. "Yew, my young rapscallion, 'ad better pull yore pants down and 'ave a good look at yore own arse, me lad, because it'll be the las' sight of the moon yew'll ge' in a long, long time, or my name isn' Samuel the Wild!"

"What?"
"Yeah, yew though' you was so clever, sending swee' ole gullible Cap'n Samuel down to the courtyard to look for an escor'… yore gonna be down 'ere a while, me lad…"
"What? Well… go ask that guard I saved then, he'll tell you that if it wasn't for me…"
"Gone home already. The Mages Guild is trying to get the remnants of spoon out of his throat."
"Oh, come on! There was an escort, there must've been! Captain Kirkderrick, Corporal Calcium, Private Larson?"
"Nope. Only one out there 'ad their voicebox ripped ou' and… well, I leave you the details. And tha' coul' 'ave been anyone. No guarantee tha' he was yore escor' in any way."

"Oh. Bugger."
"Yep. Yore in 'ere for a few nights, tha's for sure. And I'm gonna make sure yore stew gets freshly gobbed in ev'ry night, jus' for tha' escor' crack."

"Oh. Well, good to know I'm appreciated."