You know, I like Sam, Teal´c, maybe even Jack.

But not too much. He decided to torture me for the whole 3 days.

Teal´c, it's good to be him. Nobody ever torture him. But even he looked happy on the last day when we were packing things that we are finally leaving Loonyville.

Yes, Sam was fine. Although she wasn't too happy when I refused to let her into her tent. But she slept in Jack´s.

I don't think anything happened. They are professionals, they know what they can and what they can't.

I mean, I think Jack is professional too.

Something it's difficult to be with him. It's even worse when he's bored. Bored Jack is worse than angry Jack.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to meet him like that.

What? What he did to my tent?

You don't wanna know.

DAY THREE

"Good morning, campers. Our last day on this forgotten planet. Back to Earth. Civilization. Simpsons..."

"Hot shower."

"Artifacts."

"Normal people."

"Hey! I heard that Teal´c!"

"O´Neill, you caught a fish."

"Nice catch T. Who want a bite?"

"I think I'll pass."

"Oh come on, Daniel, what's your problem?"

"I don't know, maybe it's the way it's looking at me with those three eyes or maybe it's the fur..."

"Nitpicker."

"Hey Carter, you wanna?"

"Uh, thank you, rather not."

"Why so sleepy? Tired from kicking my leg all night?"

"I'm sorry sir, I'm not used to sleep in such small space."

"Yeah, I noticed when I woke up and you were basically attached on me."

"You said something, Colonel?"

"Ehm...I think I'll let the fish go, it has many legs and it will probably head right home."

"Jack! You moved the signs again!"

"And?"

"Jack, stop acting like..."

CRASH

"Ow, my leg. Who put the backpack here?"

"Daniel! Look what you did!"

"I'm sorry Jack, I didn't see it. I'm really sorry."

"It's very important equipment!"

"Calm down Jack."

"How can I calm down? You completely broke it!"

"Jack, it's just a Gameboy."

"Just Gameboy? Just?! How would you feel if I called artifacts just rocks..."

"You're doing that."

"...or archeology just fairytales..."

"You're doing that too."

"...it's not just Gameboy! It's a part of my life. For meditating. For relax."

"That device was very annoying."

"It's not right without sound, Teal´c."

"Uhm Jack, do you need professional help?"

"Funny Daniel. You did that intentionally, to have revenge!"

"I didn't Jack."

"You did Daniel."

"I did not."

"Did too!"

"But I really didn't mean to."

"Yes you did."

"No."

"Yes!"

"If I did that intentionally, I would say so."

"For real?"

"For real."

"You sure?"

"100 percent."

"Swear?"

"I swear."

"Really?"

"Jack, come on. I already said I'm sorry. For real."

"Okay, fine. I'll ask Carter if she's able to repair it. But if I were you, I would watch my back. Bye."

"Uhm Teal´c. You didn't happen to put the backpack there, did you?"

"Indeed DanielJackson. I was hoping something like this would happen. That sound was annoying."

"Oh. Look, would you mind being my bodyguard for today? You know, this is the last day here and I'm sure Jack planned something for us and I would love to see another day."

"Of course."

oOo

"Come on Carter. You have tools here."

"Yes, but not the necessary ones, only if you want to play it without sound."

"Okay, I'll wait."

"Ehm. Because Daniel still refuses to sleep in other than my tent, I asked Teal´c if he would give me his tent and he said yes..."

"Great."

"...so he'll be sleeping in your tent."

"What?!"

"Well, you didn't liked my kicking..."

"Come on Carter, I'll try to survive one more night with you."

"That's really nice to hear sir. Maybe if you clean Daniel's tent..."

"Okay, I'll take care of it."

"Fine, sir."

"Where are the matches?"

"Matches?"

"Well, believe me, after I kick out the guests, it will be better to burn the tent."

"Ehm?"

"You don't wanna know."

oOo

"Jack! You're burning my tent!"

"Relax. It's much better now. Where were you hiding, anyway? It's almost lunch."

"Ehm. I was thinking..."

"Congratulations."

"You know, about me, and you..."

"What?"

"...about us. You know, when you said I have big blue eyes..."

"Daniel..."

"...I like yours better. They're brown, so nice..."

"Daniel, stop right where you are!"

"I was waiting to be alone with you..."

"And can you stop saying those things?"

"...one wouldn't believe how much time did it take on this big planet..."

"Daniel, stop! Stay where you are! Stop moving."

"...but finally, finally I can say to you..."

"Daniel, you're scaring me!"

"HA! You fail for it! Hurrah for me!"

"Okay Daniel, you got your five seconds of fame, now face the consequences."

"I don't think so Jack."

"Yeah? Who's gonna stop me? Eh, hi Teal´c."

"O´Neill, we have less than 24 hours ´til we leave this planet. DanielJackson is under my protection."

"Et tu, Brute?"

"I don't know anybody named Brute."

"Carter, stop sniggering. That's an order."

oOo

"Okay, no torture of Daniel, but I'm bored and when I'm bored..."

"We know sir, you're, uhm..."

"Insufferable? Obnoxious? Abominable? Annoying? Mean?"

"Thanks for your collaboration Daniel."

"So, what are we gonna play?"

"What about Guess what I'm thinking?"

"How can we know that O´Neill? We can not read minds."

"It's just a game T. Now pay attention, join us when you're ready."

"Okay Daniel, Carter. Guess what person I'm thinking about."

"It is a woman?"

"No."

"So it's a man?"

"Wow Daniel, your detective skills are shocking."

"Is he alive?"

"No."

"So he's dead."

"No."

"Sir, how come..."

"Jack, you have to decide, either he's alive or dead."

"Right. I would like to see you for example standing before Anubis telling his cape - Look, either you are ascended or not. You know, you have to decide. - And no, it's not Anubis."

"Sir, you can't pick him.

"Anubis?"

"No, I know who you thinking about. And people don't pick these things because they cause situations like this. Misunderstandings."

"Carter, he's not a thing."

"It's a cartoon character."

"He's like a real person for some people."

"Usually, you pick people you know, or people who are famous or who achieved something. Nobody thinks of Homer Simpson as a hero figure."

"That hurts Carter. Really hurts."

"Sir, lets play something else."

"Okay, don't wait for invitation to Simpsons."

"This game does not make sense O´Neill."

oOo

"Hey, you're making campfire?"

"I have some marshmallows and bacon. We can barbecue."

"Great. I'll be right back."

"Isn't he suspiciously calm?"

"You are starting to sound paranoid Daniel."

"I think I'll gonna need 24 hour protection or mental specialist. And a room in madhouse."

"That is the standard procedure after experiment, DanielJackson?"

"Only with Jack O´Neill."

"Look what I found campers!"

"Where did you found beers?"

"In a backpack."

"Sir, I don't think it's a standard to include beers in backpacks."

"It should be. Come on, they said we could pack personal belongings. It's their fault that they didn't specified which and how many."

"You know Jack, it's astounding how you are able to adjust everything to suits you. Maybe you ought to be lawyer."

"Beer Daniel?"

"I shouldn't..."

"Come on, Look it's not open yet."

"Okay, but just one."

"Carter?"

"Thank you."

"Teal´c?"

"I do not have need to consume alcoholic beverages."

"Just for the taste."

"Indeed."

"Right, our last few hours. Isn't it great? It wasn't so bad."

"Talk for yourself."

"You said something Daniel?"

"Sir, you know that after this we will have to write a report and then there will be evaluation by psychologist?"

"Psychologist?! Nobody said anything about psycho!"

"They did. General Hammond explained everything in briefing. Remember, you were trying to solve that crossword."

"Geez, did I really had to pay attention to everything that was said there? It was even worse than yours and Daniels mumbo-jumbo. No offense."

"You know Jack, maybe if you didn't angered General, he wouldn't send us here."

"So it's my fault?"

"Well, maybe if you whispered your question instead of yelling it, General wouldn't hear you, sir."

"Or if you haven't talked at all, Jack."

"I just asked which idiot agreed with such stupid experiment."

"I think that General took it quite well, considering he was that idiot, sir."

"Okay, so it´s my fault. Happy y´all? And I bought y´all beer. I'll remember that. And Carter, next time when you'll have an idea for an experiment - leave it to yourself, okay?"

"Yes sir. But you had fun, right?"

"Carter, I had only one beer, I'm not answering that question yet. Anybody for a second round of beers?"

oOo

"...and than the chieftain came out of a second tent, absolutely drunk and totally naked. And he said something like - that's not horse, that's a cow!"

"Nice Daniel. Why don't you tell stories like this?"

"You know, meeting new cultures isn't every time like you use to say - boring. Funny and interesting stories happened many times I traveled."

"But you don't tell them. Are you afraid you are gonna loose your reputation as a boring archeologist?"

"I feel sarcasm in your tone."

"I smell alcohol in your breath."

"O´Neill. I think I'm going to rest."

"I told you not to drink so much."

"You were giving me one after another, O´Neill. Goodnight everybody."

"It's nearly morning. Hm, one would think he would last much longer..."

"We all drank too much, sir."

"Not me, not me, me...hic."

"Danny, Danny, Danny. Geez, how can you be totally drunk after two beers?"

"Simply. I'll show you. hic"

"Let go of that beer Daniel. Should I help you to get to the tent?"

"hic, I don't think so, Jack. Only if you were pretty young lady. hic. And you're not the first one, nor the second, hic, nor third, fourth..."

"Carter, do you think he'll find a way?"

"Who?"

"Daniel."

"Oh. Maybe. Why? Did he left already?"

"Look at you Carter. Drunk too much?"

"Stop smirking sir. I'm just a little... Besides, you drank most of it, how come you're not...damn, what's the word?"

"Sober?"

"Yeah."

"No idea. Practice? Or maybe because I had only one beer and then I drank only mineral water."

"Hey! You deceived us! No, you intoxicate us!"

"Nice catch."

"Stop smirking at me. Daniel was right..."

"Eh, Carter? You're gonna finish that sentence?"

"What?"

"Your sentence. You know, the one you started."

"Eh? Oh. Daniel said you planned something and I said that he's just paranoid. And I thought I know you."

"Come on Carter. All of you suffered enough. I just wanted you to have fun and relax. You're saying that you didn't have fun? Daniel told some good stories, remind me to tell them at SGC."

"Yes sir, maybe we should go to sleep, we'll leaving in few hours."

"Great idea Carter."

"I have only those."

"Hm, somebody's humble."

"And somebody's ironic."

"Maybe we should have campfires more often."

"Or spend time on deserted planet."

"Yeah, maybe I'll propose it to Hammond. Another experiment."

"Maybe just with half of team."

"Carter, you have a bright career ahead of you."

"How can you be sure I was thinking also about you?"

"Who else would you thought of?"

"Who is humble now, right?"

"Our tent. And last night."

"Uhm."

"Ladies first."

"You know Colonel. I can't figure you out. Sometimes you are gentleman..."

"I know."

"...and other times you're, well..."

"Sweet?"

"Well. if you want. I'm lost for words."

"That's miracle Carter."

"Good night Colonel."

"Good night to you too."

oOo

"Ehm, Carter. You kicked me again."

oOo

I think it was quite good excursion. Sorry, experiment.

I know I was against...

I didn't used those words. Okay, maybe I did. Anyway, when I found out about it, I wanted to kill the leading idiot.

Oh, that's you?

Daniel? Well, Daniel is fine. For a torture object. Sometimes it's unbelievable how naive he is.

Carter was kicking me all night, do you really thing something happened between us?

Teal´c? Do I need more words?

They said that? I realize that sometimes I can be a pain in the mikta, and you can say what you want but they don't hate me.

You know what? You're lucky to have these two bodyguards here to protect you.

Because if they weren't here, something could happen...

Are you asking what could happen?

You don't wanna know.

THE END