Mr. and Mrs. Darcy returned home, under the careful instruction of a physician, from Netherfield after the christening of Jane and Bingley's daughter. Upon their departure, Darcy explained to all that Elizabeth was simply exhausted and needed time to recooperate at home. They told no one of the real reason. Elizabeth had become withdrawn since the miscarriage of their baby. Although she constantly insisted she was alright, Darcy knew better. He silently grieved for the child they would never know. Inwardly, he punished himself for not recognizing the changes in his wife's body that would imply pregnancy. The first few days back at Pemberley were agonizing for both Mr. and Mrs. Darcy. Elizabeth remained strong during the day, insisting that she was alright. But at night, Darcy would draw a sobbing Elizabeth into his arms and try his best to comfort her. Her tears were proof of how much grief she suffered for the loss of their child. One night, he drew her into his arms as usual, but instead she insisted that they talk. The candle remained lit in their room as they sat across from one another on the bed.
"Darcy, it is my fault."
"Lizzie, it is not your fault."
"I am a coward." Elizabeth felt a lump in the middle of her throat and she averted her eyes to the bed.
"You are not a coward. Lizzie, please talk to me." He lifted her chin to bring her eyes to his.
"I am a coward because I knew that I was with child and did not tell you. I was afraid."
"Afraid to tell me something so joyous?"
"That night when I said I wanted to ask you something, I wanted to ask you about having a child of our own. I did not ask because I was afraid you did not want a child so soon after marriage, even when I was already with child." Salty, warm tears began to fall down Elizabeth's cheeks.
"Lizzie, it does not matter to me when we have a child. It could be a year from now or five years. The only thing that matters is that we're both happy." Darcy took Elizabeth into his arms.
"It is my fault that we are not rejoycing in expecting our first child, but grieving for the baby we will never know." Elizabeth sobbed. "I should not have exerted myself in trying to keep peace within my family."
"You were only trying to keep things calm for Jane. I do not blame you. Lizzie, if there is anyone to blame, it should be myself. I should take better care of you and not let you do those things."
Elizabeth remained in the comfort of her husband's arms and allowed herself to be comforted. For now, she and Darcy were the only ones who knew of the miscarriage. Although she would prefer it stay that way, she would eventually have to tell Jane and Darcy would tell Georgiana. However, under no circumstances would she ever reveal her tragedy to her mother, younger sisters, and especially not Lady Catherine. No doubt Lydia would try and "teach" Lizzie how to properly conceive a child that would not miscarry. Elizabeth was already well aware of how to conceive a child. Lady Catherine would probably enforce the idea that Elizabeth was not worthy of the Darcy name because she could not carry a child. It was decided that the only people privy to this information would be Jane, Georgiana, and their trustworthy housekeeper, Mrs. Reynolds.
The next few weeks were spent revcovering from the miscarriage emotionally and physically. Most of the time, Elizabeth would sit in her private parlor and read to keep her mind occupied while Mr. Darcy was away for the day on business. Other times she would sit and listen to Georgiana practice her pianoforte. Mrs. Reynolds was informed that she would be taking the house duties for a while so that Mrs. Darcy could recover. She accepted right away and insisted that Elizabeth get as much rest as she could. Elizabeth did not argue.
One afternoon, Elizabeth was listening to Georgiana play on of her newly mastered pieces. It was a beautiful piece that Georgiana had written herself over a year's time. When asked the title, Georgiana smiled and simply replied "Elizabeth" and continued playing. Later, she explained that she named it after her brother's wife because she had never seen her brother so happy as when he was with Elizabeth. Upon learning this, Elizabeth blushed and thanked Georgiana for naming such a wonderful piece after her. This afternoon, however, the piece took on a different emotion for her. Overcome with emotion, she started to cry, but quietly so not to disturb Georgiana's playing. Georgiana already knew and stopped. She came over to Elizabeth's side.
"Elizabeth, are you not well?" Georgiana was deeply concerned.
"No, I am well."
"Then why, might I ask, are you crying?"
"I will tell you, but you must never reveal it to another soul."
Georgiana nodded.
"Do you recall when I fell ill at Netherfield just after Jane's lying in?"
"Yes, my brother said you were just exhausted after being with Jane so much and assisting in the birthing of her child."
"It was more than that. At the time, I was with child. Not a soul knew, save myself. I told no one, not even Jane or Darcy."
"Why ever not?"
"My own foolish fear. I thought that Darcy would not want to have a child so soon after marriage." Elizabeth felt the tears threatening to fall again.
"Oh, Elizabeth. That is wonderful news. Why would my brother not want a beautiful child with you? He loves you more than life itself."
"I hardly know what I was thinking at the time, but now it doesn't matter. When I fell ill, I lost the child."
Georgiana paused, not knowing what to say next. "I am truly sorry Elizabeth. I cannot fathom what you are feeling at the moment, but I want you to know that I am here if you ever need."
"Thank you, Georgiana. I think of you as nothing less than a sister." Elizabeth embraced Georgiana.
The two of them sat there in that position for a very long time, tears streaming down both of their cheeks. Both knew the severity of losing a child in a household as grand as the Darcys. The importance of producing an heir weighed down heavily on Elizabeth. She knew Darcy would want to have their child out of love and not necessity, but she still felt a burden that she could not explain to her husband. Though he was willing to listen, Elizabeth knew that he could not comprehend what she was feeling as a woman. When she let go of Georgiana, she wiped her own tears quickly and straightened her skirts. It would not do for the Mistress of Pemberley to be seen crying if guests were to arrive. Elizabeth excused herself from Georgiana so that she could continue practicing her pianoforte. She walked down the halls to the library, one of her favorite rooms in the entire house. Darcy had shown it to her the night after she moved to Pemberley as his wife. He knew she would enjoy the mass amount of books available in one place. In his assumption, he was correct for Elizabeth loved to read anything and everything. For the next few hours, she found solace in reading by herself until a soft knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. She looked up to find her husband standing at the door.
"I thought I might find you here." He smiled shyly at her.
"You, sir know me all to well."
He walked over towards her as she closed her book and put it on the couch next to her. Without missing a beat, he extended his arm to her to take.
"I thought I might escort you to dinner."
"You may." She took his arm and smiled lovingly back at him.
After a quiet dinner with Georgiana, Darcy and Elizabeth retired for the evening to be alone. Georgiana went to her own room to read a book she found on musical composers that she thought interesting. Once alone in their room, Darcy took Elizabeth in his arms. They stood on their balcony out in the moonlight. Gently he swayed her back and forth in a comforting manner. As he bent down to kiss her neck, she winced slightly. Instantly, he knew something was wrong.
"Lizzie, what's wrong?"
"It's nothing Darcy. I'm fine, I promise." Her lie was not convincing enough.
"Lizzie, please tell me what is troubling you." Darcy urged his wife.
"I am still feeling the pain of losing our child. I fear that if I should become with child again, that I would again fail to carry the child." She turned around to face him. Tears were visibly streaming down her cheeks in the dim moonlight.
"Do not vex yourself with those worries. I have full faith that we will have a child in due time and that you will beautifully deliver that child into the world. No matter what anyone says, you are my wife and I love you, more ardently than any other man who loves his wife." Darcy pulled Elizabeth into his embrace once more. "I fear it is not fair for you to bear this burden alone."
"Oh Fitzwilliam, how do you always know what to say? Your words are the only ones that can be any kind of comfort." Elizabeth laid her head on his shoulder.
"Then I shall comfort you more often, as I should do." Darcy kissed the top of his wife's head.
Elizabeth let out a small yawn, signaling that she was tired. Darcy took notice and suggested that they retire to their bed. She only happily agreed. They retreated for their bed. Upon slipping under the covers, Elizabeth snuggled as close to Darcy as she could get, her back pressed against his stomach. He did not mind at all. Ultimately, it was better for the both of them to be together. A few hours later, Elizabeth still could not find sleep. She was afraid of falling into a nightmare again. Almost every night since her miscarriage, she had had nightmares about the searing physical and emotional pain of losing her child. After the first few, she realized that what she wanted most was a child. Those nightmares were one thing she refused to tell Darcy about. He had enough to worry about as Master of Pemberley. Elizabeth shifted under the covers until she was comfortable again. She felt the rise and fall of Darcy's stomach against her back and she knew he was sound asleep. A few hours later Elizabeth finally fell into a light sleep. For the first time in nights, a nightmare did not come.
When she woke, Darcy had already risen for the day. He had business to attend to in town, but would be back by dinner. Elizabeth got out of the bed and dressed. After dressing, she dismissed her servants and stood alone in the room, in front of her mirror. Gazing in the full-length mirror, she protruded her stomach under her skirts. To her, she looked slightly pregnant. However, she knew that was false. For now, it was only a wish.
A/N: I am so sorry to update this so late. I moved into college and was adjusting to classes and whatnot.