Author's Note: Sorry for the wait to anyone who's still reading this, I was v busy. I hope people enjoy this next chapter. It's the penultimate one.
Chapter V
The avidly awaited event of "Yehak Live" is upon us. A stage has been set up in that random field where Yuuri et al fought against Stoffel and his army. In front of the stage, a crowd of hysterical fans is waiting for the show to begin. Some are wearing "YEHAK ROCKS MY SOCKS" T-shirts. Dorcas has set up a semi-illegal kiosk selling these T-shirts, except with "YEHAK" crossed out and "DORCAS" scrawled in its place, but has, surprisingly, only sold them to his "Bald Mazoku Guys Who Used to Have Even Worse Haircuts and Have Been Accused Of Having Stubbly Heads" posse. Yehak's most devoted fan, Günter, has decked himself out in full Yehak gear, wearing a tunic and bandage socks with fake biceps and having also dyed his lavender hair bright orange. Wolfram and Yuuri are also amongst the crowd, wearing their "I'M HIS" T-shirts, along with Gwendal.
"Where's Conrad?" Yuuri asks, "If he doesn't get here soon, he'll miss Yozak's speech!"
"Shhh! We're not meant to use his real name, we have to conceal his identity," Gwendal replies, walking up to them wearing his new "SIZE MATTERS – AND MY KNITTING NEEDLE'S LONGER THAN YOURS" T-shirt.
"Oh, sorry, I mean "Yehak" – shifty look, shifty look – no references to anyone named Yozak who happens to look exactly like Yehak except without the mask…"
"Maybe "Yehak" knows where Conrad is – he's probably hiding backstage in the VIP area. If any fans saw him, he'd get mauled due to his connection to Yehak," Wolfram suggests.
"Let's use these VIP passes Gwendal knitted to go backstage and look for him," Yuuri says.
They push through the crowd, making for the VIP area. When they arrive, they see a dressing room door with a glittering star and "YEHAK" written on the front. Yuuri knocks on the door.
"Yozak? I mean…er…"Yehak"?" he calls
Slowly, Yozak opens the door, a despondent look on his face. It is clear that he has been crying. This lachrymose scene is made rather comical by the glitter spray in his hair and the fake eyelashes.
"Er…we were wondering where Conrad was. We thought you might know."
"Conrad isn't coming," Yozak replies.
Gwendal, once again confronted by a show of emotion, looks deeply awkward and, in an attempt at being consoling, pats Yozak on the shoulder, saying "There, there."
"Why isn't he coming?" Wolfram asks, "If he doesn't hear your speech, he'll never know-"
He is interrupted by Yozak: "He already knows, that's what he wanted to talk to me about earlier. He says he doesn't want to lose me and he's not over Julia."
Yozak looks close to tears.
"He's a fool," Yuuri says, "he'll soon realise your perfect for each other."
"No," Yozak replies, "it was now or never. I'm going to announce the end of the Yehak Campaign tonight – there's no point now I know there's no hope for Conrad and me."
"But think of the fans – Günter will be devastated!" Yuuri replies.
"I can't keep on smiling when I'm this sad. Tonight's performance will be the last. Now I don't mean to be rude, but I'd prefer to be left alone right now."
"Okay, if you're sure," Yuuri replies.
They all file out of the room, leaving Yozak sitting in front of the mirror, alone with his thoughts.
Two hours later.
Yozak is on stage dressed in a glittery magenta suit, singing "Isn't Conrad Lovely". This is well received by the crowd, who cheer and sing along, all except for Günter, who is simultaneously weeping, dancing and having a nosebleed. Oddly, Günter's responses to Yehak's lyrical stylings are causing the other fans to give him a rather wide berth.
At the back of the field, a figure slips in quietly, in an attempt at remaining unnoticed, and proceeds to sneak through the crowd. Suddenly, he encounters a familiar person/gorilla-man possessing of chin with mind of its own who often forgets whether or not he likes Shin Makoku.
"Adelbert!" Conrad exclaims in shock (pronouncing the name "Adelberto!" in the style of Yuuri when confronted with the "Mazoku-hating and allied to Big Shimaron" version of Adelbert), partly due to the suddenness of the confrontation and partly due to Adelbert's attire – a Yehak Disco Doll-style cat-suit and platforms with a glittery tiara and sash proclaiming him the winner of the "YEHAK LOOKALIKE COMPETITION".
"Weller, what are you doing here at the back? I thought you'd be at the front in the VIP row. The only reason I'm back here is von Bielfield put my name on a list of people who aren't allowed near Yehak. The only consolation is von Christ is also stuck back here," he replies, pointing to Günter, who is now surrounded by a pool of blood, as he has stopped dancing to simply gaze in wonder at his idol, blood perpetually gushing from his nose.
Conrad laughs and says: "You do know that's just Yozak with a mask on?"
Adelbert and Günter look scandalised.
"How dare you say such things about Yehak? And after he wrote such nice lyrics about you!" Adelbert exclaims.
"I know!" Günter chimes in, "He tried to sell me the same story. But, of course, I was too cunning to fall for such a ridiculous tale."
Conrad sighs at their idiocy and continues: "But their names are practically the same and why would Yehak be singing about me? Yozak is in love with me, so he wrote a series of songs about me and released them under the pop persona of "Yehak"."
"How do you know Yehak's not writing about some other Conrad?" Günter retorts.
"How do you explain "I Wanna Dance with Sir Weller" then?" Conrad replies.
Günter bursts into tears and mumbles incoherently as Adelbert pats him on the shoulder comfortingly, saying "Now look what you did!"
Conrad produces his copy of "Gwendal's Guide to Translating the Incoherent Speech of the Lovesick.".
"I believe what he said was: "It's so unfair! Why does Yehak love Conrad – he's so non-kawaii! I gave up Heika for Yehak and I sent him bushels of fan mail and I even wrote him a song and yet he still has this fixation with Conrad!". Günter, that song you wrote was just Yehak's song "Shall I Compare Conrad to a Summer's Day" with "Yehak" in place of "Conrad" – you didn't really write it," Conrad says.
Günter screams at this accusation and faints into the arms of Adelbert, who soothes him with the words: "Don't worry, my fellow Yehakite, we must stick together and form a united front against those who take our idol for granted!"
With that, Adelbert scoops Günter into his arms and carries him towards the "Emergency Aid for Fans Who Have: Been Mauled in a Dispute Over Yehak / Lost Considerable Amounts of Blood Due to the Amazing Yehak's Supreme Hotness / Sustained Any Other Yehak-related Injuries" tent.
Conrad stares after the mismatched couple with a bemused look on his face. Suddenly, the last song comes to a close and all eyes are drawn towards Yozak as a pink glittery spotlight falls on him and Anissina's new invention, The Maryoku Let's Play Superfast Dress-up with Yehak Kun – a machine that helps Yehak execute lightning speed costume changes on set – is wheeled onto the stage. In a split-second, Yozak has changed into a Cabaret-style corset and suspenders with yellow and purple striped hose with violet glass slippers and a black silk top hat. He is now in his occasional speech outfit and is holding a Maryoku Making Sound Louder Kun.
"I have an announcement to make!" Yozak says.
His remark is greeted by an awed gasp from the audience.
Günter, who was up until this point unconscious from shock, suddenly springs to life and runs out of the "Emergency Aid for Fans Who Have: Been Mauled in a Dispute Over Yehak / Lost Considerable Amounts of Blood Due to the Amazing Yehak's Supreme Hotness / Sustained Any Other Yehak-related Injuries" tent, wearing a most unflattering backless hospital gown which leaves rather too little to the imagination and screaming:
"Wait for me, my darling! I'm damned if I'm going to miss Yehak's display of supreme eloquence just because of a lack of consciousness!"
Günter is closely followed by Adelbert. The two "Yehakites" stand hand in hand, alert to their idol's every word. Conrad watches Yozak closely, his heart beginning to beat faster.
"Over these past few months, I know my singing has brought Mazoku kind great joy and I have enjoyed a fruitful career. However, I, Yehak, must announce that tonight will be my last concert," Yozak says, with a great deal of sadness in his voice, the various reactions being gasps, lamentations and, in the case of Günter, the necessitation of another trip to the oh-so-succinctly-named tent.
"Following a recent confrontation with Conrad, I have realised that, as he can never love me, I can neither write songs, nor sing no more. I have lost my inspiration and therefore, I must end my career-" Yozak's solemn speech is suddenly interrupted by a voice from the back of the field.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screams Conrad.
Yuuri watches as Conrad runs in slow motion, slightly Baywatch style, towards the stage, saying to Wolfram: "First the candle over the head thing and now this! Is everything in this world so literal?"
"Conrad?! Is that you?" Yozak calls as he runs forward to meet him.
Various members of the crowd gasp and/or faint at the sight of one so intimately connected to their beloved Yehak. Others proceed to maul the "one who claims all of Yehak's love and doesn't leave any for the vehement members of the Yehak's Stalkers Association".
Despite the violence inflicted upon him, Conrad reaches the front of the stage to stand before Yozak.
In response to the Yehak's Stalkers Association's obviously imminent attempt at assassinating Conrad using Maryoku as well as the various superfluous sharp protrusions on the products of the Yehak Brand range (all, of course, designed by Anissina), Yozak cries: "Do you dare smite Conrad? Be gone, ones who have gone against Yehak's will!"
The Association withdraw, looking terribly ashamed and begin to quietly bemoan their extreme audacity.
"Conrad, why are you here?"
"Yozak – I mean shifty look, shifty look "Yehak" – I can't bear to be without you! Everything I said was really stupid – I didn't mean any of it, I was just afraid of commitment. But this time, I'm ready to give myself to the person I love! I know you're not a noble, but, who cares!" Conrad finishes his dramatic speech by slapping Yozak across the cheek.
"And now, in this bizarre Earth tradition, in honour of King Yuuri, I'm going to get down on one knee and produce this bizarrely ostentatious ring in an expression of my love and the eternity for which I hope it will endure. Yo…Yehak, will you marry me?"
"Yes! I will! I love you Conrad"
Conrad and Yozak start making out and a Yehak Brand screen has to be lowered across the stage before the scene becomes X-rated. Certain fans cheer, others faint and have to be rushed to the back-up "Medical Treatment for Unconsciousness and Blood Loss Due to the Recent Display of Yorad Love" tent which has been uncannily quickly assembled.
Yuuri, somehow having acquired a cheerleader outfit in the last fifteen seconds, begins to cheer: "Give me a "Y"! Give me an "O"! Give me an "R"! Give me an "A"! Give me a "D"! YORAD!"
Wolfram turns to him and says, "For someone who was so against guys being together when he first came here, could you get any gayer?"
"I could if you wanted," Yuuri replies, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"I do like the cheerleader outfit, particularly the pigtails. What do you say we follow the happy couple's lead and make off?"
Wolfram picks Yuuri up in his arms and moves through the crowd to the "Yuuram Lovefest" tent.
"When did that tent get here?" Yuuri asks.
"Er…maybe you just didn't notice it earlier. Shifty look, shifty look – no references to lack of continuity in anime which we are in no way in…"
They enter the tent and, true to Shin Makoku's literal nature, Yehak's song "Conrad, Let's Get it On!" begins to play from nowhere in particular.
Günter, who woke up in the midst of the hubbub is now being soothed by Adelbert, who appears to have rather amorous attentions towards his fellow Yehakite, which he expresses through his "soothing and consoling" shoulders and no other part of the body in any way massage.
Murata tries in vain to lead Miss Moneycoinoflittlevalue towards his recently assembled "Big Ken x His Sexy Queen Receptionist Lovefest" tent. She is, surprisingly, not persuaded by his romantic efforts and kicks him in the "stomach".
Gwendal calls to those few around him who are neither unconscious nor engaged in erotic conduct, says: "Do I get to knit the bridesmaids' dresses?"