A/N: Hey everyone I know many of you thought that my last chapter was the end of the fic... well it isn't :) I still have a few things I need to cover. So for those of you who are still very much interested here it is... I hope you enjoy it. Sadly I am nearing the end of the fic (Nerian(in) in particular I know how much you love it.) but I promise this isn't going to be the last of me.
I would like to give thanks to those of you who have helped me with the constant brainstorming and the hassle of dealing with my non stop annoying discussions of swap meet lol very much appreciated. The great reviews are appreciated as well and keep my muse going. Special thanks go to Freehumor , Djonie and Femmephantom for your kind words and support. You amongst many others have kept me going.
Chapter 12
Max woke and blinked slowly. The first thing she remembered was making love with Alec for most of the night and smiled. They were both lying on their left sides, her back was against his chest and her head was nestled in the curve of his neck. She slowly stirred but his arm tightened around her. He protectively pulled her closer and she stopped to take pleasure in his embrace.
His warmth radiated into her and closing her eyes she concentrated on the steady rise and fall of his chest of his peaceful sleeping. His comforting hold was almost enough to make her fall back asleep but her body wouldn't cooperate. She turned around in his arms and he sighed in his sleep.
She simply lay in bed watching him, her eyes roaming over his body as he slept quietly. With accurate detail she committed every inch of him to memory. Then the feeling of love for him washed over her. It was a sweet yet an almost painful sensation when the enormity of it hit her. She had never in her entire life felt something so powerful. Now that she actually accepted and let herself feel it, she didn't know how she ever managed without it.
She watched the sunrise from the bed. The light slowly but constantly drifted through the window to finally reach them. As much as she wanted to just lie there with him for the rest of the day, she couldn't. She had a few things to take care of, pressing issues she needed to deal with. Once that was done then she would finally relax. She would forget her old worries and problems and be able to concentrate on him, them.
Leaning in, she lightly kissed his soft lips. "I love you," she said, her words a ghost of a whisper.
Quietly and slowly she filtered out of his arms and out of bed trying extremely hard not to wake him. She needed to do this on her own but deep down she wished she could take him with her. An idea hit her and she walked towards his dresser.
Alec stirred and slowly woke from the deepest slumber he'd had in a long time. He was lying on his stomach and the fogginess of sleep slowly lifted from his mind. When he heard movement he turned his head finding the source. Max was going through his dresser looking through his clothes. She was completely oblivious to him waking up.
He quietly turned to lie on his back resting his head on his right forearm and watched her in silence. She was still naked and he observed every movement as they outlined her soft curves. It made her look absolutely breathtaking. Sunlight came through the window and gave her long brown hair a lustrous shine. The tips of her long locks reached her lower back and he noticed the radiance of her caramel skin. His body reacted to the sensual image before him and it almost made him groan.
He still couldn't believe what had happened and his body tingled with the memory. He had made love to her the way he always dreamed of. Only when he woke this time she was still there. I am one lucky man.
She finally pulled out a gray sweater with a zipper at the collar and smiled to herself. She still hadn't noticed him watching her and he enjoyed the moment. She slipped the sweater over her head. It hung just below her thighs and slowly she brought the material up and smelled it, closing her eyes with contentment.
A small smile crept on his lips as he realized she was breathing in his scent and he remained silent.
With a smile Max then turned around and picked up her jeans from the floor. He wasn't going to come with her but at least she would feel comfort from smelling him on her. She looked around the room for her socks. Wanting to catch a glimpse of him again, her eyes strayed to the bed and she stopped moving.
He was watching her.
Leaning on the headboard his head rested on his forearm making the muscles in his bicep stand out. He had a sexy smile on his gorgeous face. His green eyes sparkled with that intense gaze of his, making her shiver. He never said a word he simply watched her and she grinned against her will.
She watched with rapt attention as he lifted his hand and curled his index finger indicating for her to come to him.
Forgetting her socks, she let her jeans slip from her fingers to pool on the floor and approached the bed. Crawling on all fours she inched her way and finally hovered over him. Everything was still so new to her and she couldn't help the excitement in the pit of her stomach. They were together.
Without a word Alec pulled on his sweater to bring her closer. He gave her a chaste kiss but then his tongue lingered over her soft lips to plunge between them as he deepened it. Max sighed blissfully and he smiled at the effect he had on her. He still found her reaction to his kiss amazing. She literally melted in his arms.
"Morning," he smiled and looked into her brown eyes and she smiled back, "morning."
"You know that's one of my best sweaters," he said as he pulled on it again. Bringing her ever closer, he made her sit on his lap. Her eyes widened slightly as she felt his hardness beneath her and she smiled appreciatively.
Seeing her expression, he grinned cockily and unzipped the top of the sweater slowly.
Captivated, she watched as his hand pulled on the zipper and restrained from moving a finger. He exposed some of her cleavage and moved in giving an open mouthed kiss licking her lightly. "Now it's my favorite sweater," he said huskily and she leaned into him again. She pressed herself on him, making him groan softly.
Like a cat licking cream, she licked his upper lip slowly and almost purred when he returned the sensation. They locked lips and their tongues danced sensually.
When they broke the kiss, she smiled mischievously. "All the more reason for me to wear it then," she countered and he gave her a curious expression, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't even see why you bothered putting it on," he said matter of fact. His hands hugged her hips and slid up, bringing the sweater higher exposing her taut stomach.
She bit her lip debating whether she should stop him or let him continue. She didn't have to think on it long, desire won out. "Why is that?" she finally answered in amusement playing along.
He started kissing her stomach. Feeling his tongue circle her belly button a shiver ran through her body.
"It's Saturday…" his warm hands continued the motion moving his sweater higher revealing her breasts. His kisses moved up, warm breath on her skin and he spoke again, "I don't know about you but…"
She raised her arms and he pulled the shirt up over her head throwing it in the corner of the room. "I sleep in on Saturdays…" he kissed her right breast slowly, his tongue circled her raisin hard nipple and he sensually wrapped his lips around it making her gasp lightly.
"And since you don't sleep much…" he moved over to the other breast and she reached behind his neck leaning her arms on his shoulder. Moaning she pulled him closer, wanting more.
"I'm willing to sacrifice my beauty sleep for you," he offered and she laughed at his words. Her initial thought of leaving evaporated as his kisses trailed up to her collarbone, they made it to her jaw line and up towards her mouth. He nibbled on her lower lip and his tongue delved into her mouth, again tasting her. Cupping her face with his hands he traced her earlobes with his thumbs and she moaned softly from the new enthralling sensation.
"Where were you going anyway?" he asked moving into the side of her neck planting small kisses. Nearing her earlobe his breath tickled her as he whispered "and leaving without me." Dipping his tongue in her ear he sent a multitude of shivers along her flesh, giving her goosebumps.
Leaning into him she closed her eyes and purred. The small sound reminded him of a pleased kitten and he smiled into her ear. He felt her try to say something but all she managed was a soft intake of breath, it was followed by "mmm…"
His hands trailed from her ears to her smooth shoulders down the middle of her back and again she started to say something, "I…"
Breathing her in, he could smell the soft perfume of her soap rolled in with the honeyed scent of her skin. Finally he smelt his scent on her which aroused him beyond words, making him growl. Mine, his feral side reminded him and his head swam with the pride and sense of possession he felt for her. Brushing his lips down the side of her neck, he gently sucked on her skin.
"For…get…" she finally managed the second word and he chuckled in amusement, remembering she had been trying to say something. His tender kisses trailed back to her jugular where he felt her heartbeat pulse against his mouth and he sighed with contentment.
She arched her back slightly and his fingers slid down the length of her spine to her lower back. She was so soft to the touch it was slowly driving him crazy.
(For those of you who want the nc-17 version of this chapter go to: www-angelfire-com/funky/firesong/swap12nc17-html (again replace - with )
Alec continued to make love to Max only he made it so she could take full advantage of the situation and gave her complete control. Knowing from his experience with her heat that she needed it, he encouraged her to let go. Through the heat of the moment his animal side flared up, making his entire body scream with the need to claim her but he held back. Soon. Together they completed each other again their names on their lips. When it was over they held each other.
She couldn't get enough of his touch and the feeling of him inside her. His mouth was still on a sensitive area of her neck, she sighed with satisfaction. Moving her face she kissed him fervently.
His hands reached for her face and he returned the kiss just as hungrily. "God, Maxie…I love you." For people who didn't believe in such an entity, their names always seemed to be stringed together as they tried to express the intensity of how they felt. Alec almost made the comment but thought better instead he said, "you know you'll probably get tired of me saying it."
Resting her forehead to his, she smiled at his words knowing she would never get tired of hearing them. "No, as long as you always mean them, never." When did I turn into such a hopeless romantic?
She kissed the tip of his nose and rested her head on his shoulder. It was a few minutes before their bodies came down from the high euphoria and he hugged her fiercely. "You know I'm crazy about you" he said softly and she smiled in his neck. So am I.
When she felt herself calm, she lifted herself off of him and crawled her way to the edge of the bed.
She watched him for a moment and then finally spoke up, "I have to go." She waited for his answer but instead his face screwed up to a weird expression. It was clearly disappointment and she felt bad for saying it so quickly after their lovemaking.
"I won't be long I promise. There's just something I really need to take care of," she finished and his expression didn't change.
"Where are you going exactly?" he asked quietly and she chewed the inside of her mouth. She really didn't want to tell him because she knew it would probably upset him but after what happened she promised herself she wouldn't lie to him anymore, no matter how hard it was.
Alec watched her chew her lip absentmindedly and waited for her words. "I need to talk with Logan," she eventually said averting her eyes.
When her words finally reached him, his first thought was that she was going back to him and his heart sunk. His facial expression must have showed it because she quickly shot out, "don't worry, it's not like that."
Reaching out to take his hand she watched as his face changed and his smirk was all too visible. He was hurt but was trying to hide behind his mask, she knew it now.
"Not like that?" he quirked his eyebrow questioningly. How he hated those words. They seemed to either define or destroy any relationship she ever had. He silently hoped he would never hear them directed at him. Now that he was with her he just had to grin and bear it, until he heard her openly admit their relationship and put that fear to rest.
"Alec, I'm not going there to work things out. I'm done. He just really needs to hear it from me. Not you. Me," she emphasized the last word, hoping it would make more sense to him than it did her. Alec in her body had already told Logan, but he just hadn't seemed to believe her words. Maybe deep down Logan knew they weren't really coming from her. She didn't really understand but all she knew was that she needed to tell him herself.
It was a few moments before he spoke again and his grin had grown bigger. "That's okay I need to go see my girlfriend anyway. I have to let her down gently seeing as I won't be available anymore."
This time it was her turn to feel slightly worried and she was taken aback by his words. If it hadn't been for the humongous grin he had on his face she would have believed every word. "Yeah right," she finally said with half doubt and he laughed his eyes dancing with mirth. "What you don't believe me?"
Deep down she didn't know what to believe. Could it be so far fetched that maybe he had a girl on the side, or two? He was extremely good looking and women seemed to just fall at his feet wherever he went. She knew that from personal experience.
She swallowed around the small lump in her throat and he put his arm around her. "Cindy will be so crushed when I tell her."
She relaxed instantly, not realizing how tense she had really been. "Argh," she said and hit his arm hard. "Don't do that!"
"Do what?" he asked innocently rubbing his arm and she now understood what he must have felt a few moments ago. Only difference was that she had once loved Logan or at least she thought she had. Alec had never had any of those emotions for another woman besides Rachel that she knew of.
"That," she said softly. "Pretend like it's not a big deal." Her big eyes looked into his, and waited.
He finally smiled and kissed her softly. "Max, it is a big deal. That's why I don't really feel comfortable with Logan having the afternoon with my girl" he admitted then added in a whisper, "but I trust you." At his words her face brightened, his girl, huh? "I like the sound of that."
"The afternoon with Logan?" he asked playing stupid, his face blank.
"Yeah that's it," she grinned and nudged him. "Besides Cindy is going to have 'my boy' all to herself." She winked and stood up. He was used to hearing that one. It wasn't new to him, only now it was true. Had it been true the entire time?
"Come back here," he called out and she giggled moving away before he caught her. Did she just giggle?
"Nope," she picked up the shirt in the corner of the room where he had thrown it, grabbed her jeans and quickly ran out of the room laughing.
And the weird just kept on coming. First she showed an incredibly shy side and now she was playing games with him.
"Max…" he warned in a laughing tone and jumped off the bed. Putting on a pair of red jogging pants he walked out of the room and looked around. Spotting her on the other side of the couch, his mouth curled up in a sly grin and he sauntered over, but she moved away the closer he got.
Picking up on her game, he circled the furniture in a predatory fashion and her eyes lingered over his well toned muscular body. He knew she was examining him and enjoyed every second. "Like what you see?"
"Absolutely," she replied with a flash of white teeth. "Do you like what you see?"
"Always have," he smirked and she rolled her eyes at him.
"So what are you going to do about it then?" She slowly crept further away from him.
He watched her with a glint of mischief in his eyes and glanced to the washroom door, calculating the distance.
"Maxie… you even have to ask?" Quickly he rushed around the side of the couch and she ran away from him. Quickening his pace he blurred and grabbed her from behind as she ran near the kitchen. "Oh, no you don't!" he teased and she squealed as he caught her and threw her over his shoulder.
"Alec!" she screamed. "Max…" he laughed.
"Let me go," she whined and he tickled her sides, making her squirm in a fit of laughter, making her drop her clothes in the process.
"Nope," he returned her word just as playfully.
She was trying to catch her breath but was laughing too hard. "Alec…" now it was her turn to say his name in laughter. "What are you doing?" she asked wondering where he was taking her.
"Something I should have done a long time ago," he replied and stopped tickling her long enough for her to catch her breath.
"What?" she asked a little panicked at his words. He was up to no good now and she had to get out of his clutches. "Let me go," she whined, which only made him laugh more.
"No you're mine and you're staying here with me, forever." He slapped her butt and she yelped.
"Alec!" she said sharply and flailed her legs but he only tightened his grip.
"Maxie…" he drawled with a laugh and walked into the washroom.
Reaching into the shower he turned the water on made sure it was warm.
"Put me down." she ordered.
Dropping her into the shower he replied smartly, "okay." The water hit her and she pouted.
"Not fair," she reached out to hit his arm and stopped when he started taking off his pants. She had expected the worst but realized he was joining her. "Well all you had to do was ask," she remarked coyly and he stepped in the shower. "Now where's the fun in that?"
Moving back into the water she dipped her head back and let it soak her hair. Alec watched her, completely captivated by the water sliding along her darkened skin as it made its way down between her breasts to her abdomen. Moving closer he pressed himself against her and took her into his arms. "Is this what a dream feels like?" he asked huskily and she looked back into his face.
"No baby it's real." He grinned at her words and she smiled at the now boyish expression on his face. It made her heart ache with love.
"There you go calling me baby again," he remarked and kissed the corner of her mouth, moving slowly closer until their lips fully met. The water washed over them both, mixing in with the blazing sensation of their warm bodies and into their smoldering kiss. The moisture allowed their lips to glide sensually together adding a sensitiveness that was powerfully erotic.
His hand reached up into her neck the water now allowing his finger to move smoothly along her wet skin. She sighed closing her eyes. "I can always come up with something else," she teased and he laughed lightly. "No…" he kissed her neck and paused, "I like it."
Reaching for the bar of soap she lathered it up and began to run her hands over his toned body slowly washing him. She started with his tight abs moving over every inch of his body stopping every few seconds to kiss him. He washed her in turn and together they were completely mesmerized by the simple action of washing each other. They eventually forgot about the running water completely lost in their luxurious kisses.
Max was the first to recover from the heated moment and remembered the shower they were supposed to be taking. She sighed contently from the water. It was nice to finally be able to wash her body and not have to worry about accidentally waking someone up, namely Buster. With that thought she gave a small laugh and Alec watched her questioningly. "Okay there you go with the cryptic laugh again."
She wiped the water from her face and Alec could see her look down. "I was just thinking how nice it is to be in my body."
Nodding his head in agreement he looked down himself. "Yeah I hope I can re-familiarize myself with Buster."
She slapped his arm, "you're nasty!"
Raising his head he laughed at her look of mock outrage. "Oh c'mon Maxie don't tell me you didn't at least 'experiment'." He grinned moving beneath the showerhead and they switched places.
"I would," he said too quickly. His eyes grew round and he stopped talking, realizing what he just admitted. "Well if I would have…" he tried to cover it up and then stopped expecting her to hit him. "Just be gentle," he cringed for the inevitable slap. Any second now…
She was about to hit him but all she managed was a squawk at his comment and then shut her mouth with a lame pop.
Okay so she had slipped up… once or twice but it was purely by accident. It wasn't everyday she would find herself in a man's body and well she simply couldn't let the opportunity pass her up. Only she would never breathe a word of it as long as she lived.
Seeing how hard she was trying to cover the expression on her face he narrowed his eyes and mentally chuckled. Yep I knew it. "You're no angel Max," he concluded and held his hand up, "but don't say it I don't want to hear it. I just know you and Buster are pals," he winked. "I'm just glad to see he's still in one piece and in working order. Thanks Max."
She huffed at his comment. "I can just imagine what you did while I was absent," she watched him with a waiting expression.
"I was a good boy. As you can see I took good care of you." He almost groaned remembering his fateful bath, "too well I think." And she raised her eyebrow in puzzlement at his sarcasm. "I'm never taking a bath again though, that's for sure."
She finally caught on to where he was going and burst out laughing, "she pulled out the facial mask and cucumbers didn't she?" She almost doubled over laughing and Alec knew it was funny but not that funny.
Something was off. "Yeah… Why?"
She eventually stopped laughing but the amusement hadn't left her face. "How does it feel?"
"What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.
She approached him and wrapped her arms around him. "Well I've never had the facial and cucumbers. Something always conveniently comes up," she teased and his face dropped.
"You mean I went through all of that for nothing?" he whined now feeling hoodwinked. "You don't usually go through the facial, nail polish and fancy bath?"
"Nope, never," she kissed his lips and he groaned. "Well the bath and the nails yeah and I'm sure I can change your mind about never taking another one again," she grinned.
"You could have said something," he lamented with a pout.
She lifted her hand and looked at her nail polish. "What and let Cindy miss out? Now I won't have to worry about her bothering me anymore. Thanks baby you're a life saver." she kissed his pouty lip
"More like a life shaver," he retorted glumly and she laughed. How could she have forgotten? "At least now you can say you truly understand and appreciate the tedious task women have of taking care of themselves," she returned and his pout turned into a smile.
Grabbing the shampoo he put some into his hair and started to lather it up he passed her the bottle and she followed suit. Somehow she felt so comfortable like she had done this countless times before.
She watched as the water cascaded down his broad shoulders down his smooth chest leaving streaks and droplets of water on his skin. She was beginning to lose herself again but his voice took her out of the illusion. "I've always appreciated it," he winked again his humor returning from the brief moment of sulkiness.
Finishing their shower they stepped out and dried off. Max picked up her clothes from the living room floor. Slipping on her jeans and tank top, she then added his sweater over top and smiled with satisfaction.
He went back to his room and came out wearing a pair of jeans with a black ribbed sweater. She had always found that one incredibly sexy on him. She stopped for a minute. Thinking of her wandering thought she realized again, her subconscious had closely admired him even when her conscious mind hadn't let her.
She walked over to the door and leaned down to put on her running shoes. She hated the fact that she had to do this. Leave him, to clear things up between her and Logan when she had already done so too many times already.
It would be so much easier to just ignore everything and simply move on. Only now she absolutely had to have closure with this entire Logan matter. She would be back soon enough and that made her smile because once it was over and done with, it would just be him.
Alec watched her prepare to leave and sighed. He hated the fact that she felt she had to do this on her own, it didn't help that he was worried. It wasn't because he didn't trust her. He just didn't like the idea of her being out there especially when he wouldn't be there to watch her back if something happened.
Lately the entire transgenic issue had gotten pretty heated. He didn't like the fact that not even a week ago White had tried to capture him in her body. Walking up behind her, he met her at the door. Reaching out, his hand touched hers. His eyes searched her face quietly and he slipped her cell phone in her hand.
"I know I don't have to tell you this Max but be careful," all traces of humor had left his face and she saw the seriousness in his words. "If something…anything happens, just call and I'll be there," he kissed her forehead.
She smiled at the tender moment and kissed him on the lips. "Why? I'd only end up taking care of your sorry ass in the process." She grinned and his lips tugged in a smile of his own.
She was making light of a serious situation between them and their prosecuted kind, but deep down he knew that it worried her too. She would call him if something went wrong. She always did. "You like taking care of my sorry ass," he remarked snidely and she laughed. "Especially now that I know what it can do," with those words she opened the door with a last glance at him and swayed her way out the door.
Shaking his head at her he laughed. Slipping his boots, he left shortly after her and headed towards her and Cindy's apartment.
Logan had spent the morning brooding over his Eyes Only station thinking about Max. What happened the day before had him utterly confused. Not only did she behave differently but she said some pretty strange things.
He kept playing everything over in his mind, wondering why he felt he was missing something. Grabbing the package left on his desk, his fingers walked over it cautiously. It had all started with that mission and it seemed to fall apart and constantly dribble into pieces since that moment.
It had been a complete whirlwind of emotion for all three of them. Finally he had tried to take matters into his own hands and tried to pit her and Alec against each other. He hadn't heard from either since then. It wasn't that he expected immediate results from the slow rift he had created to tear them apart and bring her back to him. Still a part of him wished she would just walk through his front door at any moment. Finally admit she was wrong, that she still loved him and it was a lie.
As if waking from that small reverie he heard the front door open and raised his head in surprise.
"Logan?" he heard Max call from the hallway and he replied softly, "in here." He didn't need to tell her where he was, she would simply follow the sound of his voice.
Actually smiling for the first time since that morning, he sighed with excitement. This would be the breaking point he just knew it in the pit of his stomach. She was back and they would be together again.
When Max walked through the doorway his smiled slipped. She was as beautiful as always but she had a dangerous glint in her eye. He knew without a doubt even from a quick glance, she was wearing one of Alec's sweaters. His hopes crumbled along with his heart.
Max actually walked to Logan's place hoping she would be able to come up with the right words, the correct explanation to make him understand. She would tell him the entire truth this time. It wasn't just because Alec had pointed it out to her, but she knew she had to stop lying to Logan.
That was probably why he never accepted her words for truth because he probably knew she was lying, to keep him at arm's length. When she finally walked through that front door, she made her way to his 'office'. Swallowing the dryness in her throat she stopped a few feet from him.
He looked at her with a glorious satisfied smile but then it slipped. She could see the comprehension in his eyes. He knew why she was there.
Bracing herself, she knew she would undoubtedly walk away with a terrible heartache. It was true, she realized she wasn't in love with Logan but he had been a friend. She did love him too just not the way he did. Watching him quietly, she though of the best way to start and fidgeted with her hands.
She walked to the tan chair in the corner of the room and sunk in it.
Logan had so many arguments in his defense rolling around in his head, but he was afraid to say anything until she spoke first. He was afraid of breaching the subject before she did in case it was all an illusion and he had misread her. Finally she sat in the chair near him and they shared a long look filled with a deafening silence.
"There's no easy way to say this Logan…" she swallowed at the painful sensation in her throat. Suddenly it was like the words were burning in her mouth and it hurt to say them. That's why it was always so much easier to just lie. It hurt too much to see him crushed.
Focusing her eyes to the back wall she avoided his look of absolute trust, if not adoration for her. Even though she knew he was expecting her to do this, she had to give him props for holding on to hope.
Logan could see her working everything out in her mind. He didn't want to give up, he just couldn't. If he didn't have Max he wouldn't have anything left. So it was with a feeling of fear in the pit of his stomach that he tried to remain as hopeful as he could, waiting for her next words.
"It was a lie," she said and almost immediately his face lit up. She had no idea why he would be happy hearing it and she continued. "Alec and I weren't together, I lied to you," she clarified.
Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing. He could only silently thank God for answering his prayers and gave a long sigh of relief. "Thank God Max…I always knew it. I don't know how but deep down I knew it couldn't be true. I mean Alec of all people," he added with a small laugh trying to make light of an extremely awkward moment. Her face never changed.
Ignoring the comment she finished, "at first." Sitting in the chair made her feel caged, so she got up. Pacing back and forth she looked back at him, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry to have to do this but I can't do this anymore. It was all a lie she emphasized her words to indicate how ashamed she was.
"At first I did it to protect you. I just couldn't stand being around knowing any moment you could die just because of me. At first, it hurt, not being able to touch you. Not being able to have a real relationship with you. Only I realized as more time went by that it started to hurt less. I love you Logan, I'm just not in love with you," she closed her eyes at her accomplishment. She finally said it.
"Max…" he started in a soft tone, trying to stop her from saying things out of rote. He knew her. When she got angry, felt trapped or tried to deal with her feelings, she said hurtful things and ran.
"No Logan. Don't do it. You always start with that and I find myself pulling away thinking it's easier if I just lie. That's why I lied about me and Alec. I wanted to keep you away. It was the only way you would stay away if you thought I belonged to someone else. Even that didn't work," she threw her hands up with the emotion behind her words.
"But we can work things out Max I know the virus is just an obstacle to something that can be amazing between us." He started with his first argument of defense but the minute it came out of his mouth he realized it was no use and his words rang with emptiness.
"See, that right there? That's why I have such a hard time doing this. You just won't accept it." Her eyes started to water from the helplessness she felt, "why can't you just accept my feelings on this?" Do you think the virus is the only thing that stood between us?" Her voice rose a bit with intensity.
"Isn't it?" he stammered at a loss. This entire time he thought the reason why they were constantly arguing and the fact they weren't together was because of the virus. "I love you Max isn't that enough?" he said softly and her heart broke at his anguished words.
This time her tears did fall staining her cheek. "You don't love me Logan. You're in love with the idea of me."
"Max please don't," he pleaded and now she noticed the moistness caught in his light blue eyes.
"Don't what Logan?" She was getting exasperated, "don't say the truth? You know it was a long time for me to realize it. I kept telling myself that if I uncover another lie, catch another bad guy or just save another person in need that I'll be able to forget. I could be more like you. I've been running from my past for so long, somewhere along the way, I never realized that it was okay to stop. I've been running from myself.
"Max it never mattered to me what you were." He stated his second argument because he knew it had always been an issue for her.
She shook her head as another tear slipped. "Are," she corrected. "You think you love the Manticore born and bred creation? The one I let you see?" she laughed mirthlessly and wiped her cheek. "You like the animal inside, the genetically engineered soldier the steadfast killer?"
Logan visibly flinched with every reference of herself. "Max that's not…"
"That's exactly who I am Logan!!" she cut him off abruptly. "I tried to hide it, I tried to stop following my instincts but I can't! Do you know what it's like to pretend to be someone you're not? I'm not the dainty woman who fawns at parties, whose biggest worry is what she's going to wear that day. I don't mingle with people out of sociability. I was worried you wouldn't accept me, so I tried to be more like you. Only I can't be who you wanted me to be. Don't deny it either."
"Max you're more than that," he realized that somewhere deep down she was right. He did try to make her fit into his world but that wasn't the only reason behind it. "I've never stopped you from being who you are Max. We even worked together because of that. How could you think that of me?"
"Yeah about that, at first it was about your Eyes Only missions. I felt guilty Logan, you got hurt and I felt responsible. You see the bullet that was meant for you was exactly that… meant for you. I didn't pull the trigger and I didn't load the gun but I beat myself up over it. I did for so long it began to eat me up inside. So I promised myself that I wouldn't let it happen again."
"But…" he tried again but she just continued finishing his own thought.
The gloves were finally coming off and she was telling him everything she had bottled up inside. "Yeah we had a deal going on. You would help me find my family in exchange for my help. You used me Logan because I let myself get used. That was our relationship at first. Then when I did find my family I began to lose them all one by one until I thought I was going to lose everyone. I did so many things because I thought it was the right thing to do. I even killed BEN!" she finally admitted in her pain and his eyes widened with the confession.
She laughed mechanically out of emotional desperation to keep from exploding in a torrent of tears. "Do you know why? Because I thought he was too far gone I pushed him to do what was right. I thought he had no conscience, when all he needed was someone to believe in him, to show him the way. He was doing what they taught him to do. He was lost and I pushed him. Then he got hurt and I couldn't even save him from Manticore. The only thing I could save him from was his own personal hell so I did. He asked me too and I DID!" she sobbed then and her body trembled. "All for some fucking values that weren't even my own to begin with! Yeah he was killing people I'm not going to condone it but he needed help! I was the only one who could understand him and I ignored it."
Logan had never known and he tried to say something but all he managed was a croak. She turned to see the look of shock on his face. "That's right Logan what do you think of the transgenic now?"
How she wished Alec was there with her at that moment. He understood her and she could use some of his strength. She hugged herself trying to control her sobbing inhaling his scent reaching for comfort.
"And Zack…" she finally wailed. "I lost Zack because I had to make a choice. I sent him away to protect you, but I still lost him in the end. It was always you or them. I made my choice and now I have to live with it. I accept it but it doesn't make it easier. I held on to you because I felt you were the only one I could hang on to. I was afraid of everything that was Manticore."
He clearly had no words. He'd seen her angry, hurt, guilty but he didn't know what this was. It was a mixture of it all and he really wasn't ready for it. He didn't think he would ever be ready, ever prepared. He knew she was a force to be reckoned with but it was never directed at him; at least not with this much intensity.
"We held on to each other because it was safe for both of us." Her tears weren't stopping and her bottom lip quivered. "You felt safe with me, like you could accomplish something through me. You saw a means to an end and you fell in love with that and I… I felt more human with you. I wanted to forget the horrors in my life I wanted normal," she confessed then laughed shakily. "I'll never have normal! You were the safe harbor in the hell that is my life Logan."
"And now?" he couldn't help himself he had to ask.
"You can't save me anymore. We live in two different worlds. The one you live in is the one where you try to make it a better place. You save the people around you and I love that in you. I live in a world where the people you save to live another day are the ones who take that God forsaken chance and try and kill me and mine."
He never saw it like that. "Max I helped you and everything that was associated to transgenics."
"That's because it was for me Logan. Would you have done it if it was Alec making the request?"
"That's different," his nostrils flared in sudden anger.
"How is that different?" she asked but didn't expect an answer instead she continued, "it doesn't matter Logan. It's all about me in the end it always is. Never about you, so don't feel like it's your fault."
"How am I not supposed to take that personally?" he challenged. "If you felt that way why didn't you say so in the first place?"
She had no words to contradict his argument. "The bottom line is that you have to let me go Logan. I just wanted you to see. I know it hurts now but you'll realize that it's for the best."
"Why? So you can go back to Alec and the pretend relationship you have?" he laughed now, but there was no humor it was ludicrous. "There's nothing stopping us from being together now, just this virus and we can deal with that. We can work with the other issues too. That's what people do in a relationship they work them out. Together!" he countered desperately. He was hurting so much. He just didn't know what to say to make her see.
"Alec and I are together now," she finally admitted and he felt his stomach bottom out from the heavy sensation of dread. "I didn't want you to find out this way Logan. Not until you've had time to deal with this," she waved at both of them. "but I have no choice. That's the reason stopping us from being together now."
"This is a joke, an insanely cruel joke Max," he laughed at the absurdity. He was tired of going around in circles; he just wanted to move forward for once.
"It doesn't matter what I say because you just don't want to believe it. Actually if it wasn't for your little stunt yesterday I probably would have never known how much I love him."
That made him stop cold and his eyes widened in disbelief. She just looked at him with a small trace of anger. "That's right Logan I know how much you can't stand him and I've experienced first hand how you treat him."
"Like it's any different from the way you've always treated him!?" he yelled in fear. This isn't happening. It's not true.
"I fought how I truly felt for him because of my sense of loyalty to you. He makes me feel alive. I haven't felt that in a long time. We belong together and he loves me for who I really am," she deadpanned with a glint of anger, protecting her lover.
He was getting angry now from trying to convince her. Rising from his chair, he closed the distance between them.
Max was so completely caught up with her words and emotions she never realized how close he was getting. Reaching out he tried to plead with her, "I do love you for who you really are!" and he grabbed her hand. Too late he realized he was touching her and his eyes widened in fear.
"Logan!" she called out with a desperate plea and pulled her hand away.
As if burned he took a few steps back, "Max…I."
"NO!" she cried in anguish. They stood there simply looking at each other and Logan's tears finally slid on his cheek. "I'm sorry…" he faltered. Looking down to his hand again, he felt stupid and sat in his chair. He had no idea what to do and Max watched him trying to think of what she should do.
"I'll call Dr. Carr," she said and he waved her away. "Don't…" he said softly with resolve. He had truly lost her and if this was how he would go, he preferred it that way. "I'd rather…" he started but couldn't even finish his thoughts.
Max read his expression and was suddenly anguished. "No! I won't…I can't accept that!" she cried angrily. Pulling out her cell phone she flipped it open. She dialed a number and waited…
Cindy was drinking her morning coffee, watching TV, when there was a knock at her door. Dragging her bunny slippers on the floor, she walked towards the sound and opened it.
Alec stood there waiting, leaning of the door frame with his arms crossed.
Seeing him, she frowned and waved him in. "So boo… you betta have some good news fo' Original Cindy or I throw you down and kick yo' skinny ass fo' good measure. You have any idea how worried I been? You betta talk now 'fore I beat it out o'you."
Giving her a smile, he casually walked in. Quirking her eyebrow at his good humor she smiled. Well that was one thing. At least he was happy which in fact did mean good news. "Would it have killed you to call me?"
He had absolutely no idea, she sent who she thought was him after who she thought was Max. Therefore he had no idea what she was talking about. The only thing he did know was when he left for Logan's the day before he didn't meet her like he was supposed to. "Of course Cindy why wouldn't I have good news?"
He grinned coyly and sat on her couch positioning himself in front of the TV. "Hey, Baywatch," he smiled approvingly. His gaze locked on the TV and she joined him on the couch and crossed her legs. "Yeah," she agreed with a smile and they both stared at the screen for a minute.
Finally she turned on him and her brown piercing gaze pinned him where he sat, "so spill already."
"You want the long or abridged version?" he smiled lasciviously and she read the expression on his face. Slapping his arm with disbelief she squealed, "NO?!" Sitting up she kneeled and gushed with excitement, "you and Max?"
Rubbing his arm, he frowned, "okay, why do you women always insist on hitting me?" he whined. "Is there a 'Just hit me I'm cute' sign somewhere on my ass? Because it should say, "Just hit ON me I'm cute." Grinning at his wittiness he lowered his hand.
Pulling her arm away she smiled secretly, "now with a comment like dat I know it's Alec in there."
His humorous countenance slipped and his mouth dropped open. His eyes searched her face and he found himself speechless.
"That's right boo," she laughed. "You think Originial Cindy don't know her two friends well enough ta make da distinction?"
He still didn't know what to say. His mind was racing a mile a minute. How did she even know to make a comment like that? Was it a casual remark? Or was there a purpose behind it?
He watched as she leaned back into the couch as casually as he would have if the roles were reversed. He chose the casual remark and tried to save face. "Who else would be in here?" he joked sarcastically and her eyebrow arched a little higher in disapproval.
"What?" he asked again. Now he knew it wasn't a casual remark. Slowly he started to panic. It wasn't like it was a big deal if she found out. She would just probably think he was crazy. So what was new? It wasn't like people didn't already look at him with a grain of skepticism already.
He was made in a lab, whipped up in a Petri dish. All by a government facility that spliced DNA from different animals as a past time to create genetically engineered soldiers for crying out loud. "Okay so what gave it away?" he finally asked dropping all pretenses.
She pointed to the TV. "When Max told me she wanted a TV, I thought it was odd. Then da line 'Someone owes me a few favors,' had my curiosity piqued. I thought it was strange at first. Then I really started to think about it."
Smirking she watched him, "I remembered a few things here and there. Some lines came back ta me like." Holding her hand up, she ticked off her fingers one by one, "'Figures this would be the only way I'd get near her underwear.' Then it was da game of pool, Max would have just kicked they asses but you hustled them."
He rolled his eyes at that and answered, "where's the fun in just kicking their asses?"
She laughed and continued "the facial." She smirked and he groaned. "I was testing you with dat one and the Blowfish. You really love da girl to go through dat," she chuckled. "I don't even wanna know how dat turned out but the bottom line is I was on ta you hot boy."
He couldn't believe how many times he slipped up by simply being himself. So he and Max were similar but their outlooks on life and the way they dealt with things were completely different.
Only someone of Joshua's intuitive caliber would have been able to catch on to it. Now he had a new found respect for Cindy and then something struck him. "How long have you known?" He was hoping he wasn't wrong on this and waited for her answer impatiently.
"For a few days now," she answered him and he spoke up this time in surprise.
"So yesterday, you knew it was me deep down?" he asked quietly. She reached in and hugged him in answer.
"I can't really fool you this time with sista' but you my brotha," she whispered and he hugged her back tightly. She had known and the more she watched and examined his behavior, she realized that like Max he was as close to her than a best friend.
Alec didn't know what to say again, for the second time that day he was speechless. He could only say one thing, "thanks Cin."
They finally released each other and he chuckled at the thought that just suddenly popped in his head. "Wait 'til Max hears about this. I don't know if she'll be happy sharing." He winked playfully and as if in response his cell phone rang. "Speak of the devil," he said as he looked to the caller ID and flipped the phone open.
"Maxie…" he started in good humor but O.C. watched as his expression turned to one of concern.
"Wait… what?" he sat up quickly on the couch his body rigid.
"Max, slow down…" he tried to say something else but his concern turned to dread, "he what?"
Now he was clearly confused. "Hang on I'm on my way." He hung up the phone and Cindy looked at him with a waiting expression. "Sorry but I gotta go. Logan touched Max."
He really didn't need to elaborate any more than that. He didn't even wait for her words and rushed out the door.