Title: In Which Two People Are Called Bastard Many Times Over.

Disclaimer: If I really owned Bleach, do you really think that I would be griping about Diamonddust Rebellion? I would say something witty about FMA but I can't think of anything.

A/N: You know what, I had like two pages of guesses for the movie, but I've given up. 8 days to go and all. And I hate the fucking monkey that is Ichigo's current nemesis. He needs to run away and join the circus. Ishida's enemy looks better though.

HYPERVENTILATION!

And the broken gigai hand thing? I had a hand that I had made in sculpture and I had slipped a glove on it. I put it on a friend's desk holding a piece of folded paper with his name on the front so he couldn't see that it wasn't just coming out of the table. He stood there gibbering for five minutes until someone else grabbed the paper wondering what it said (the other guy thought it was a confession of love). He read it out loud and I was promptly cursed to the lowest level of hell because my friend knew who had done it the second it was read.

You have one chapter to guess what I wrote. And trust me, it was a VERY cruel and unusual punishment and I got an award for creativity.

By the way, if you get bored, go to deviantART and search 'pirates of the computer', then scroll down until you see a stick figure with long brown hair. Yeah, that's me. Most of them are bad Pirates of the Caribbean puns, one or two might explain one of the reasons my updates are slow, and there's like three that are actually funny and have nothing whatsoever to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. AND there's a ROUGH UNFINISHED DOODLE OF ELRIC-TAICHOU! Doodle here being used in the loosest terms of the word.

Wish: IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION?

Ichigo stormed over to the door and threw it open. Two men were at it with empty glasses. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING EAVESDROPPING ON ME AND MY FRIENDS?!"

Isshin immediately stood up and started being… well, Isshin. "WELL, what ELSE is a father to do when his teenage son brings home two such BEAUTIFUL girls such as yourselves… and I see you've added a THIRD to the mix, what a SURPRISE!"

The other one, a man with long blond hair in a ponytail, merely stood up and adjusted his glasses in a way reminiscent of Ishida. "I'm just happy I got some information about my son from it. In trouble as usual, it seems."

However, Ichigo stood there, trying to comprehend what his father just said. "Wait… you can see three girls?"

Isshin suddenly tried to cover up. "No, I must have seen two Inoues!"

Ichigo turned around and looked at Inoue and Matsumoto. They did look a bit alike. They did both have rather a lot of cleavage… but that was beside the point. Back to business. He grabbed his dad by the collar. "You can see Matsumoto?"

"Eep. Yes."

Ichigo threw his father across the room. "EXPLAIN!"

The blond man adjusted his glasses again. "Let's leave those two to bond while we go see to my son. From the sounds of it he is in need of your help Inoue, whatever your skills may be."

And so Matusmoto picked up two stragglers instead of one.

They ran all the way to Urahara Shoten and stormed in. Hawkeye nearly fell over. "Hoenheim? How did… what… huh?"

Hoenheim shrugged. "It's a long story."

Inoue rushed to Ed's side and summoned her Shun Shun Rikka. Hoenheim didn't even flinch. "Ah. So it was you I heard about."

Inoue ignored him, and they all settled down for the long haul.

Fifteen minutes later, Inoue paused and looked up. "Should I heal his leg too?"

Everybody traded glances. "Let's… let's wait until he wakes up." Hawkeye finally said. "Who knows, he might want to keep it for whatever reason."

With that said, the golden glow faded and Inoue stood up, stretching. "All done here. I'll head home now. When he wakes up if he wants me to heal his leg too don't hesitate to call."

Inoue was about to open the door when it was opened from the other side by…

"YOU BASTARD!"

… None other then Ichigo, who had just had a very interesting heart-to-heart with his father.

Urahara looked up, hiding behind his fan. "Who, me?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MY FATHER WAS A SHINIGAMI, YOU BASTARD! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME, HUH?"

"Do you have any reason to doubt me Kurosaki?"

"DO I HAVE… OF COURSE I HAVE A DAMN REASON! I HAVE A TON OF DAMN REASONS YOU TWO-FACED LYING BASTARD! LIKE WHEN YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THE HOUGYOKU INSIDE OF RUKIA! OR WHEN YOU RAN AFTER ME WITH YOUR ZANPUKTO CALLING IT TRAINING! OR WHEN YOU HID THAT BROKEN GIGAI HAND IN MY ROOM!"

"Ah, that. That was funny. You were a gibbering wreck for several minutes."

"CAN IT, PINHEAD!"

Ichigo turned on Hoenheim.

"AND YOU! YOU WERE IN ON IT TOO, WEREN'T YOU! I BET YOU WERE BOTH HAVING A LAUGH BEHIND MY BACK, EH, ABOUT POOR CLUELESS ICHIGO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I KNOW I HATE YOU, YOU BASTARD!"

"You're not the only one," Hoenheim replied dryly.

A groan came from the futon in the corner. "Now quiet down, Kurosaki. You'll wake Elric-taichou," Urahara pointed out.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU!"

"I'm with Urahara. Shut the fuck up."

Everyone looked towards the futon.

"And why are you here, bastard? You should be dead… of course, you should have died five hundred years ago, but let's forget that for a minute while I get an explanation or two. Such as A), why I have such a damn pounding headache, and B), why my arm is suddenly back."