Not a Day Goes By

Sometimes it's low like a whisper and sometimes it's loud like a real person. When I see HER it's loud and it screams in my mind to go after her. To show her that what I mean is true

Lauren

The water was calm. We sat on the dock looking off into the creek watching the sun setting.

"Why don't you want a boyfriend?"

– Because I love you – "Umm, I just haven't found the right one and kept him around."

The water splashed against our feet and wet the ends of my pant legs,"Would you ever get into a serious relationship with a woman if you fell in love with her?"

Miley's disposition changed and she taped her fingers on the dock, "Yeah, probably I would. You?"

I hesitated, "I would, except, my religious beliefs."

Miley turned towards me, "Have you ever had feelings for a girl?"

– You it's always been you – "I have, but I would not act on it."

Her eyes softened and her face glowed in the sunsets light, "Why not? Just because the religion thing?"

I turned away and looked at the sun setting in the distance, "Well I've been taught its wrong."

She jerked her head back and put her arms behind her to hold her up, "It isn't wrong. You said yourself GOD would never punish anyone eternally. If he won't put anyone in hell then why would he not want two people to be together if they truly are in love? Not that I believe any of it its just that I respect your beliefs, and I have also had feelings for a girl."

–Don't you see I don't have much of a choice even if I do love you I can't do anything about it -

Miley's voice changed as she turned her head up into the sky, "I did think that it was wrong, but that was just because I was letting other people's opinions influence me. Who was she?"

I felt my old memories of her open, "Her name was Lauren. What I don't' understand is that you said before that you were a homophobe," I touched my leg running my fingers over it slowly.

"That was to hide my true feelings. Was Lauren the only girl you had feelings for? Honestly?" She was anxious.

– NO I love you too - "NO she wasn't the only one."

I felt Miley smile into the air. "What made you like Lauren?"

I felt the lock open and it came; the rush of memories I had stored away. She looked at me and sat with her arms on her knees. I began my tale slowly and tiredly. "She was my life. When ever she talked to me I would forget about all the things that were happening in my life. It wasn't just because she listened or cared, it was just her being around me that made me happy. You remind me of her. I can never feel upset around you. I know I'll never be mad at you. It's nice to know you have another person. To tell you the truth I miss her. I miss her like I don't know what. We don't talk anymore, but I don't mind a lot still it doesn't mean I don't miss her. Although she may never talk to me again I'll still love her. I don't mind NO matter what I'll always be there for her even though she isn't there for me. That's how you and her are the same but different. You two are different people inside, but you are both wonderful friends."

Miley turned to me her eyes were tired and glazed over,"I feel the same way about you, but I just don't have the gift to express it so well." The last piece of sun fell and the first star came out. The wind was soft and cool as we sat on the dock thinking of the days when we wouldn't know each other anymore.

Her lips glimmered like dew drops on faerie wings. She smiled shyly and took me by the hand. "Come on, lets go," echoed from her lips as she pulled me towards her direction and began running. I stumbled behind trying not to fall but finding it difficult to take my eyes off of her. She finally let me go and broke into a sprint. I followed close behind watching her hair fly and move gently with the wind brushing against it. We reached the top of a hill. It was high but not steep. Miley pointed far off into the distance past the great oak trees beneath us and towards the rising sun. She turned and smiled at me. "Beautiful isn't it Lili?" I nodded and she sat down staring at the sky turning colors of grays, blues, and pinks. The grass was moist and I caught a glimpse of a Faerie ring. I sat by her keeping my head tilted and rested it on my knees. I felt her eyes on me but I dared not turn to meet them. They were gentle and soft blue eyes. Farr off in the distant memories of happiness she saw in me. Her eyes shifted as I turned to see her. "Come on lets go," she stood smiling and watched the sun rise slowly through the hills. I looked up at her and saw the pure beauty in her soul. She felt me gaze and ran down the hill. I stood and followed eagerly.

Jealousy

We all walked out of class together. And together she and I walked over to meet him by the tree. I lingered behind unnecessarily just to watch her. When she saw him I would loose her. She ran up to him. Her arms around his neck their lips touching. I felt sick to my stomach. I walked pass them and felt her eyes on me. I walked on. The tree was full of green moss. Little animals climbed its trunk. I held my stomach and leaned against the tall green giant. They were in eyes view. I would catch a glimpse of them together and would feel torn apart. Jealousy for the first time in my life was being experienced by my small body. My ride pulled up and I watched them hold onto each other as we drove away

Proposal

Miley sat with her arms on her knees. Maybe she was thinking about him or maybe she was thinking about school. "HE proposed."

I turned to look at her, her eyes were quiet, "I see."

She turned surprised, "that's all?"

I looked at her. She had a tight shirt on that clung to her loosely. I smiled at her big eyes and small face.

-You are so beautiful / of course I care / you're not supposed to be with him / because he'll hurt you – "What do you mean?"

I looked at her eyes, still quiet. "Are you mad? I mean, I know you don't like him much."

I felt unveiled for a moment, "It's not that I don't like him and it doesn't matter if I agree or not, as long as you're happy."

She wasn't content but she left it at that, "So we are going to wait till we are 21 and tell my dad when I'm 18." I hated the idea, but said nothing. She shifted in the grass.

"I won't know you in 7 years," I said without thinking.

I felt her breathing change and her scent diminished, "Do you really think we'll be friends in 7 years?"

Her breath regulated and her scent floated silently through the air, "Yes we will. Will you be my bridesmaid?"

I looked at the grass green and sharp. I wondered if any faeries had been to visit her. "Bridesmaid? Tell you what. If you and he are still together in 7 years I'll be your bridesmaid."

Miley smiled and hugged me, "It's a deal." Her scent lingered around me the rest of the day and as I lay in bed that night I thought of tall green grass and a small faerie looking over her.

I'm Sorry

"It's dark today isn't it?"

I nodded. She looked at me. "Hey, what's wrong? You've been acting all weird lately."

I kept walking, "Have I?"

She grabbed my arm and stopped me, "Yes you have, are you mad at me?"

The words stung - how can you think that I would be mad at you? - "No I am not mad at you. You know I never would get mad at you."

She walked ahead of me and smiled, "Okay if you say so."

I looked at her big eyes and small mouth thinking about how such a small person can say so many things that can touch me? "Hey," I said it in a sort of whisper.

"Yeah?" she smiled.

"What would it take for you to hate me?" She was surprised by the question but I had been practicing saying it.

"Umm, I could never hate you," she said it uneasily.

"You could hate me... what would it take?"

She looked at me, "Why do you ask?"

I smiled, "Just being random I guess?"

She hesitated, "Oh well you would have to lie to me and I guess hurt me like beat me up to the point of death."

I looked inside of myself and knew that I had made a mistake. I was burying myself. Her voice broke into my train of thoughts, "Hey what would it take for you to hate me?"

I smiled at her, "I would never hate you, or be mad at you." I touched her shoulder. It was soft and clean almost too pure to be held by me, "I promise I will never hate you."

She looked at me, "You don't believe in promises." I took my hand away from her shoulder and knew that I had broken something in our friendship that day.

Later that week she sat with her back against the brick wall. Her elbows rested on her knees. "What are you writing?" I looked up from my yellow notepad. Her hair was long and her bangs fell against her right eye. She looked so stained.

I turned away from her, "It's a letter." She looked at it.

"Is it the letter to my father?" I looked at her. Her eyes had changed from tainted to pleading.

I felt bad for her, "Yes it is."

She looked down at it, "Can I read it?"

I closed my Notepad, "Wait a bit will you?"

She looked at me and I couldn't keep her gaze. I handed her the letter. She opened it and began to read it.

- Why did it have to be you? – She looked up at me with dead eyes, angry and frustrated. I had not realized what it was that I was doing until then. I reached for the letter. She held it away from me. "Say something please. I can't see you so quiet. I'm sorry I wrote it."

She looked at me her eyes in pain and furry. I had betrayed her. "Do you really think this is true? Do you believe everything you wrote down? Is this the way you see me? I don't think it's your place to be telling my dad about my personal life. Lili, if I trust you with telling you I'm buzzed when I walk into the gates... "

I looked at her, "I didn't mean it I'm sorry I didn't mean it."

Her face grew stiff, "You have been thinking about this since the day you asked me what it would take for me to hate you."

I wanted to cry. - Don't be mad at me I love you I don't want you to be mad at me – She yelled at me for a little while longer about the letter but I wasn't listening to her I knew she was right I didn't want her to hate me anymore it was the worst thing I could have done. I took the letter from her and tore it.

"You have other copies," she said it resentfully. I took my folder and took all the letter drafts and copies I had made torn them and threw them in the trash can by her side. She looked at it, got up and walked away. I felt sick to my stomach and like I was about to cry. I had pushed away the thing I cared about the most.

When the bell rang I walked quickly towards her home because I was to get picked up there. I heard her running behind me she stopped at the light as we waited for the cross walk. My eyes burned, "I'm sorry."

I looked at her, she smiled and pushed the button, "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up on you like that." The little white glow in the figure of a man popped up on the sign.

"I deserved it." - I really did/ you don't need me to tell you what to do/ I don't want you to hate me when I love you –

"No you didn't, no one needs that."

I looked at her and smiled, "Thank you." We walked and talked about the things we wouldn't do to each other and the things that didn't matter.

Departure

She looked at me, our eyes met and although neither of us spoke we both knew that that was the end. She kept my gaze as we spoke through our eyes:

"You can't leave and just up and go like that," she pleaded.

"You did."

"I'm sorry."

"There isn't any reason to be sorry for being happy all I know is that I love you and in the end I did all that I could to make you happy."

"But, you were never happy..."

"You have to be kidding me. I love you and I got to be around you all I wanted and you think I wasn't happy? I was happy just being near you."

"You were?"

"I was happy and I always will be when I think of you."

"I will always love you."

"You will always be in my heart."

She bowed her head slightly. I did the same. I looked on as the person I had grown to love walked out of my life.

Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by when I don't think of her and the love I felt looking into her eyes but not a day goes by when I regret it. She touched every place in my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life knowing that although it's gone now she was there when I needed her most. I will never forget her, No not a day goes by.

Authors Note: I realize it might have been a bit difficult to follow. The reason for this is because it is my story. I had written this four or so years ago. I changed the names and made some adjustments so as to fit to Lili and Miley's story. Of course this was difficult at times seeing as how our story's differ. There came a time when the girl I wrote this for had found herself bound by alcohol and mere stupidity. I tried my best to help her and resorted to writing to her family... You saw the outcome. This of course would never have happened to Miley, but my story would have felt incomplete without it. If anything, I think it portrays Lili's struggle well. The fight within, to allow ourselves to give in or to hold back from our desire. It ends sadly, but I see her now and I see her happiness, I have no regrets. I write this to all those who know that you only love a person when you love them enough to let go