Part 2/3 "Aside from pain, what d'you feel?"
Two hours later we return to the ground and see Madam Hooch waiting for us. She tells James, "The Ravenclaws booked the pitch for all of next week."
A few of our teammates gasp, preparing to exclaim in outrage, however, James only shrugs. "They need the practise more than we do. We're excellent." The players close their mouths, appeased, and leave to put their everyday attire back on.
"You still ought to write it down so you remember." I jump at the sound of Remus beside me since I hadn't seen him and Peter approach. He hands James a parchment to scrawl the information on before turning to Madam Hooch. "Thanks for letting us know, Professor." Now, his voice is tranquil as still water.
"Anytime," she responds and heads back to the castle.
Peter asks James, who I guess is our group's leader in his mind, "Should we wait for you to get dressed and then the four of us go to the commons?"
James looks at me when he answers Peter. "I've got the feeling Sirius wants to talk to me about something. We'll see you both in a bit."
The pudgy boy seems hurt at being left out, yet Remus nods and says, "We'll anxiously be awaiting your return."
"Because Merlin knows that you can't live without me for long," I cheekily add.
"Yes," Remus agrees seriously. "That's why our divorce has been hard for me."
I'm about to banter back when Peter suggests to Remus sympathetically, "Wanna get some chocolate?"
"Indeed." Wiping an imaginary tear from his cheek, Remus strolls with Peter towards the Entrance Hall. I am not jealous that Remus is leaving with him. I refuse to be jealous of Peter.
"How long?" I demand of James the instant that we're alone.
He leans casually against a goal post. "I caught on 'bout two months ago, but it's been going on longer than that, hasn't it?"
"I've been stopping myself from slamming him against walls and shagging his brains out for almost a year." Why sugarcoat the truth when I hate liars and he already knows? Besides, it feels good to finally say it out loud. I didn't realise how much it was bothering me to keep it inside. "James, is it wrong that I want Moony?"
James is uncharacteristically noiseless for a minute. I swear: a full minute! Sixty bloody seconds of silence! He must be getting ill or something. "Do you just want to sleep with him once in a while and keep acting like friends? Being friends-with-benefits is okay for some people, but it would be wrong to ask that of someone like Remus."
I smile at how protective James is of Remus. We know Remus can take care of himself without help and, despite that, we make sure he always has assistance. That's what friends do. "It's not like that. I'd tell you what it is like, but even I don't know. Having the desire to be around him when he doesn't know that I desire to be around him makes being around him painful."
"Makes sense." Unsurprisingly, James makes more logic from my babble than I do. "Aside from pain, what d'you feel?"
Interesting inquiry. James is full of surprises. It reminds me of the incident when I found a ballerina tutu in his trunk and he insisted that he had no idea how it got there. "A wish to do two things at once. I wanna sit next to him while he reads for hours. You know, to drink in the sight and the smell of him, and watch that contented look form on his face that he gets whenever his books have a happy ending. Every day that I see that expression I'm able to sleep without dreaming about my dear old mum. At the same time, I want to do something much less quiet. I want to have his nimble Prefect fingers touch me and hear him cry out my name." Oops, that might be more information than he needed. Ah well, he doesn't appear perturbed. He rarely ever is.
"I decided." Decided what? Decided to forsake Quidditch and spend his time curing leprosy? "You love him," states James in a tone of certainty that few would dare to question.
I dare. "You sure? I thought that I might, although I couldn't tell 'cause I've never loved anyone before. I mean, I'd die for you and everything, but I mean that I've never felt romantic love."
"I know what you mean and, yes, I'm sure that what you're feeling is love." James wipes his glasses on his shirt to resemble a healer about to make a diagnosis. He places them back on the bridge of the nose that I elbowed earlier. "Love makes the world go round, Pads. A feeling like that could never be considered 'wrong.'"
"You sound like Dumbledore." These words might offend some, like Slytherins. In this case, James is aware that they're my way of showing gratitude. I've never been very good at thanking people.
Saying nothing, James strides to the changing rooms. I follow him and lock up our broomsticks, waiting for him to put his school uniform on. He does, and we leave without a word passing between us. I wonder if I should say anything when he asks, "So, when are you going to tell him?"
My footsteps falter and I almost stumble. Almost. Sirius Black is too fantastic to do something clumsy. "What?"
"When are you going to tell Moony how much you care about him?" repeats James with an exaggerated patience I know he does not feel. Remus is the only Marauder with any real patience.
"Never." I cross my arms defiantly across my chest and listen to my footfalls echo throughout the empty Entrance Hall. "You know he'll blame himself if he doesn't fancy me too. I won't risk Moony's happiness just because I might wind up getting something out of it."
"Is that selflessness I'm hearing from you?" James feigns disbelief.
He may be joking, but it rings true to me. I tend to do whatever I want without thinking of how it'll affect others. I don't want everybody to be upset; it's simply that contemplating consequences doesn't occur to me. The fact that I'm taking Remus' possible reaction into account proves to me, beyond any of my doubts, that I love him.
"Anyhow," James continues without me replying, "I know the feeling's mutual. The Moonster has been trying so hard to catch your attention lately I'm surprised even Pete can't see the sexy aura around him." A sexy aura? James is delusional; I haven't noticed Remus' sex appeal any more than normal.
"You did not," I ask slowly, "just call him the Moonster, did you?"
Blushing lightly and ignoring my inquiry, he gives what he must believe is a generous offer, "if you're nervous you can practise your love confessions on me."
My snort cues the staircase we're standing on to move. Thankfully, it's in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. "You can't be serious, Prongs?"
"Actually, you're Sirius." I grit my teeth. He knows how much I loathe that pun. Sirius Black. Why must I be named after two adjectives? "And 'course I mean it." He adopts his imitation of Remus, which I admit is pretty awful. "Hey, Padfoot."
This is a stupid idea, but I've learned that with someone as stubborn as James it's better to give in. "Hi, Moony. I've got something to say to you."
"What is it?"
"It's, er, not something you usually tell a mate."
"You can tell me anything." He deserves credit for keeping well to Remus' personality even though the vocals are horrible.
"Yeah, but this is really drastic."
"You dated McGonagall?" The Prefect once dared me to ask the stern professor out, and he loves to remind me of it. James is better at being Remus than I ever would've guessed.
"No." I give my friend the pseudo-dark look I tend to give my crush whenever he mentions it.
"You collect toenails?" He's getting carried away; Remus wouldn't say that.
"No." I make a disgusted face and ascend another set of steps.
"You've been harboring extraterrestrial fugitives?" Big words; the bookish werewolf might use that one.
"No." It sounds like fun, though.
"You're in love with me?"
"No." My palm connects with my forehead. "I mean, yes. You see, my mouth just got used to saying 'no,' but I meant to say 'yes' because the answer truly is 'yes' and…James, this isn't working."
The berk is laughing at me. "Sure, it is. That's how it'll go. You'll make an arse of yourself, yet manage to get your point across. Moony, in his Remus-y way of showing joy with his body composed and his eyes lit up, shall confess that he hath loved thee for years, and both of you will lose thy virginities by the morn." And he reverted to Shakespearean English why? I'm supposed to be the master of theatrics around here! Probably because he was talking about Remus, and old-fashioned Muggle poetry comes to most people's minds when Remus is involved.
Personally, steamy showers come to my mind when Remus is involved. That or the library, for he looks beyond endearing when he's studying and - Merlin's Manhood, focus on the present, Padfoot!
"Asphodel," I mutter. It's the password; we enter to common room. Peter and Remus aren't there, so they must be in the dorm. On the boys' staircase I beg – No, Sirius Black doesn't beg. Well, maybe in dog form I do...Where was I? – "Prongs, let's forget about this."
"Hmm." James strokes his chin as if deep in thought. Then, grins. "Nah!"
I grasp his arm and say urgently, "Please, James."
"All right, you don't havta tell him." After I sigh with relief he adds, "I will."
Minerva's Note: I just love writing James' and Sirius' friendship! Anyway, the hypnotism seemed to be a success last time, so... :takes out trusty pocketwatch and swings it slowly back and forth: You WILL review. You WILL review. You WILL recycle. (What? I'm an environmentalist!) You WILL review.