Okay, so this story was only intended to be a one-shot, but a few people reviewed and asked me to update, and I had a little bit of inspiration, so I decided to. That wraps up this story, but I may write more one-shots, you never know!
Enjoy, and thank you everyone for the reviews!
As pathetic as it may have seemed, Blair was used to being left alone. Whether it was her flair for the dramatic or actually a somewhat depressing life, she had never really felt loved. It was nice to pretend, when she had been with Nate, that he was deeply in love with her, and she'd even fooled herself into believing it, but when their relationship had ended, she hadn't been particularly surprised. Something about Nate hadn't exactly screamed happily ever after, once Blair had allowed herself to really focus on him and the situation at hand. Still, with Serena, everything was different. Serena wasn't just her lover, she was her best friend. She was the one person that Blair accepted unconditionally, the one person that she would always forgive. Serena could gun down the entire East side and come crawling back to Blair on her knees and beg for her forgiveness, and she would receive it without question. With anyone else, this would have been considered naivety and foolishness, but with Serena, it was love; simple, pure, unconditional love.
It was still relatively early in the morning, and Blair had yet to even eat breakfast, but she felt the familiar burn in the back of her throat and knew what she had to do. Ignoring the weak feeling in her body, she pulled herself out of bed and trudged into the bathroom. She wasn't feeling sick, and had nothing in her stomach to throw up, but that uncomfortable settling feeling in the pit of her stomach was too hard to ignore. She tried not to think about Serena, or the fact that, if she was still here right now, this wouldn't be happening. She tried not to think about the fact that Serena was the one person who seemed to be able to save her from herself, and the one person who could make Blair stop this insanity that she forced upon herself. Still, Serena's absence, and worse, Serena's being with Dan, left her kneeling over the toilet, coughing up the contents of her stomach before wiping her watery eyes with the back of her hand.
She hadn't been planning to do much of anything that day, although it was true that she had been planning to do not much of anything with Serena. Still, after she had thrown up, her body felt weak and depleted. She hated that part most. The throwing up wasn't bad, because it was something she could control. She could force herself to be sick as much or as little as she wanted, but that feeling afterward was something totally different. Her body was physically exhausted, her muscles ached, her throat burned, her eyes watered. That aftermath left her feeling weak and stupid, and though she often felt it in spite of herself, those were not things that Blair enjoyed.
By the time she had collapsed back into bed and turned on Breakfast at Tiffany's, she felt somewhat better about her decision. She still felt nauseous, but only when her mind reverted back to thinking about Serena and Dan, and no longer felt as if she needed to vomit. Audrey always seemed to help with that problem. Blair brushed her long hair from her face as pressed the back of her head hard against her full pillows, moving her legs somewhat awkwardly beneath her as she forced herself to focus on the television. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in what was on television, of course Audrey always held her captive, it was just that her mind, and her heart, were someplace else, more precisely with that gorgeous blonde that was sipping champagne and playing footsie with Dan beneath a table somewhere right about now.
She couldn't be completely sure if she dozed off, or fell into an unconscious stupor that she couldn't quite remember, but when she opened her eyes again, the movie had ended and the blue default DVD player screen blinked at her. She sighed softly and reached for the remote, curling her fingers around it and pressing the off button before glancing to the doorway casually, her eyes immediately falling upon the presence of the girl in the doorway. Her breath caught in her throat, and she fixed her gaze upon the girl.
"Serena," she acknowledged her quietly, "What are you doing here? Brunch ended early?" She straightened her posture a little, and pushed the blankets from around her legs, looking away from the other girl. Serena stood silently for a moment before crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head, her blonde hair brushing gently against her shoulders.
"No, actually, I just told Dan that I was sorry, but I had something really important that I needed to get back to." Serena chewed on her lower lip for a moment, moving slowly towards the bed and easing her way onto it carefully. Blair looked away from her, letting her eyes focus on the blank screen of the television and curling her legs beneath her. She could sense Serena next to her but kept her eyes on the screen, and soon felt Serena's tanned fingers working over the sheets, brushing the top of Blair's thigh. "B, come on. Look at me."
Blair blinked, but kept her gaze upon the bed.
"I can't." Her mouth was dry, and her voice sounded small, even to her.
"You won't," Serena corrected her, tugging gently on the sheet, "I came back here for you, Blair."
Blair glanced up at her quickly, her dark eyes narrowing slightly, tilting her head in exasperation.
"What?" Serena asked suddenly, her voice rising in pitch. Blair kept her gaze fixed on Serena, and she sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. I told you I was sorry, and I am. I'm sorry."
"I know you are, Serena," she sighed, defeated, watching her for a moment before tearing out of the bed and pulling her short silk robe over her gown and tying the sash hurriedly, "But this isn't just about today. It goes beyond that, and you know it. It's just us in general."
"Us?" Serena laughed the word softly, her eyes fixed on Blair, "That's not fair, Blair. You know that you and I are-"
"Are what?" Blair turned on her quickly, her fingers curling into loose fists, "It's not what, Serena? Not right? It's not like what you and Dan have?"
"No!" Serena shot back immediately, pushing herself up on the bed, "It's not like what Dan and I have, Blair, it's so much better."
Blair studied her quietly for a moment, her eyes burning with tears. She scoffed, and shook her head, the corners of her lips turning up into a smirk.
"How is this better?" Her voice was soft, and broken. She was beyond fighting with Serena; there was no point in taking this further than she already had. Softly, slowly, she was giving in, and as the other girl studied her with that soft, apologetic gaze, she knew there was nothing more she could do to resist. Her hands fell to her side, and she made her way to the bed slowly and defeated, letting her posture slump as she sat on the edge of the mattress. "Look at us, Serena, we're a mess. I don't understand how this could possibly be better."
"It's better because it's real," Serena was upon her in a moment, sitting beside her and brushing her dark hair from her face, "B, this is the most real thing I have ever known. You are my rock, my foundation…" her voice faded, and she pressed her fingers against Blair's chin to keep their eyes focused on each other, "Out of everything in my life, this is the only thing that is real."
Blair pressed her head into her hands, finally allowing the tears to slip from her eyes. She shook her head quickly, taking a few shallow breaths as Serena's hand worked up her back gently, her fingers rubbing small circles over her spine comfortingly. It felt so good to be like this with her again, even if it was abrupt and somewhat inappropriate. Serena's arm worked around her completely, and Blair allowed herself to melt into the blonde's arms. Serena's hold tightened somewhat, and she pressed her face into the crook of Blair's neck.
"I'm sorry," she whispered softly to the trembling brunette, "I'm sorry, sweetie."
Blair nodded against her, instinctively slipping her arms around Serena's slender waist, the tears coming freely now. With anyone else, this would have been completely embarrassing and defiling, and yet, with Serena, it just was. There was no reason for shame or humiliation, nothing but the feeling of their bodies pressed together, their hearts pounding against each other. All that mattered now was the heavenly scent of Serena's hair, the warmth of her body, and the love that she felt in her embrace.
After another moment, Blair moved slightly, and allowed herself to study Serena's pretty face. The blonde smiled gently at her before leaning forward just slightly, pressing her soft lips against the brunette's. The kiss was gentle, and sent pleasurable shivers up Blair's spine. She sighed softly and smiled as the kiss broke. She studied Serena's face before leaning in and capturing her lips again, in another kiss that lasted longer than the last. The moment of silence between them was pleasurable, and Blair closed her eyes for a moment, savoring it before daring to ruin it with words.
"Promise me something," Blair pleaded with her quietly, her voice scarcely breaking the silence. She curled her fingers around Serena's, entwining their fingers, causing the blonde to look at her.
"I…I can't," the blonde whispered reluctantly, her lips so close to the brunette.
"You used to promise me everything," Blair reminded her softly, stroking the other girl's palm gently. She rested her head in the nape of Serena's neck, her brunette hair brushing against the tanned skin there.
"Things are different now," Serena's words were not harsh, but truthful, and she stroked Blair's hair lovingly, "I wish I could promise you the things I used to be able to. I can't do that anymore."
"At least promise me one thing," Blair begged quietly, "Just promise me you love me best."
Serena was silent for a long moment, and then placed a soft kiss on Blair's head, her fingers tangling in the other girl's brown curls.
"More than anything," she answered softly, her lips pressed close to Blair's ear. She was silent for a moment, and then stroked her fingers over Blair's arm, "That's what makes this so difficult."
"Then don't let it be difficult," Blair begged, shifting and pressing her body against the bed, tugging on Serena's hand, "Just be here with me, Serena. Please."
"I'm right here with you," the blonde answered, letting her eyes fall upon Blair as she pulled gently at her hand.
"Are you?" Blair questioned her quietly, letting their eyes meet.
"Even when I'm not, I am," Serena answered. She smiled softly down at Blair and shifted to lie down beside her, letting her arm rest casually on Blair's side. Blair scooted closer to Serena and placed a small kiss on the blonde's lips.
"It doesn't have to be like this," Blair said quietly, "I mean, not bad like this. It doesn't always have to be so… different between us."
"But it does," the blonde insisted, reluctant to break this moment of tranquility between them, "I mean, I have Dan, and you have Nate, and-"
"But I don't have Nate!" Blair's voice cut off Serena's, and she shook her head slightly, "Even when I had Nate, I didn't have him." She resisted the urge to throw in the part about only being able to focus on Serena when she had been with Nate, and shook her head again. "I'm not like you, you know, I can't meet someone and hold them totally captive under this spell like you do, and I can't…" her voice faded. She knew that everyone who met Serena fell in love with her immediately, and she couldn't blame them. Sure it had taken her a few years, but the same thing had happened to Blair.
"You can," Serena reassured her after another moment, "You do." She pressed her lips against Blair's ear again. "You've totally captivated me, Blair."
"But you left," Blair's voice was so soft, and she had already completely given into the other girl. Still, she was grasping for straws.
"I came back," Serena answered confidently, a small smile pressing across her pink lips, "Every time I leave, I come back for you."
Blair studied her solemnly.
"I won't always be here waiting for you," she answered quietly, studying Serena's face.
Serena pressed her thin lips together, and then smiled softly at the other girl.
"I won't always be leaving." She pulled Blair closer to her, snuggling into her embrace, "I'm not leaving now, am I?"
Blair studied her lovingly, and smiled.
"No, you're not."
And with Serena van der Woodsen, all you could really do was learn to live in the moment.