: HOUSE OF CARDS :
PART FIVE : COLLUSION
(16) - Intimacy -
She wasn't sure when exactly the safe house stopped being a run-down apartment and became 'their place'; but somewhere along the way it had happened, just as surely as the change in their relationship had happened - not in any one single moment, but over a long progression of time, events and intangible feelings.
They rode back on his Harley in total silence; words no longer needed to be formulated between them, being superfluous and unnecessary. When they finally arrived, the sun had disappeared, though the heat of the day still clung stubbornly to the air. The place was deserted, quiet as a ghost. She climbed off the bike first, placed a hand on his shoulder and said: "Just a moment. Ah need to make a call."
He nodded, understanding, and she walked to the other end of the forecourt and slipped into a corner. Flipping open her cell phone, she dialled Mystique's number.
There was only one ring before Raven answered.
"Rogue?!" Her foster-mother's sharp, irascible voice rasped down the line. "Where the fuck are you?! I've been worried sick trying to call you all evening, and you haven't even had the common decency to leave your fucking phone on! What the hell is going on?!"
"Somethin' came up," Rogue returned calmly, already long used to Mystique's short, volatile rages.
"What the fuck do you mean 'something came up'?"
"Ah mean somethin' unexpected happened that Ah had to sort out. But don't worry, it's all been dealt with. Ah was just callin' to let you know Ah'm okay."
"All been dealt with?" Concern edged into Raven's voice. "Rogue, what happened? Did you get the documents off Guess? Was the tip-off right? And where is that little shit anyway? Did you make him suffer?"
"He's dead," Rogue replied as dispassionately as she could. Raven was silent a minute, but when next she spoke, her tone was measured.
"Dead? You mean you-"
"Ah mean he knew too much, Raven," she said hastily. She looked up. Remy was standing waiting in the entrance of the building, casually smoking a cigarette. She lowered her eyes, dropped her voice; added: "He knew about me, Mystique. Remember that night at the Ritz? Somehow he put two and two t'gether, figured out what Ah was up to. But don't worry. He's dead. And the evidence has been destroyed."
"He had evidence of that night?" Raven's voice was breathless. "Rogue, are you quite sure -?"
"Yes, Ah'm sure. Ah've done the damage control, it's all fine." She looked up again; Remy had his back to her and was stamping out his cigarette with a boot heel. "Listen, Raven… Ah'm gonna be otherwise occupied t'night. Still got some business t' finish up. But Ah'll be back in the mornin' t' fill you in with all the details, okay?"
"More business?" Mystique returned suspiciously. "Rogue, are you perfectly sure this has all been sorted?"
"Trust me. It's just that… there's somethin' Ah've got t' do. Don't worry about me, and don't worry about the mission." She paused, adding quickly; "Ah'll see you tomorrow."
"Rogue -"
But before she could protest anymore, Rogue ended the call and switched off her phone completely before walking back to Remy.
"Everythin' okay?" he asked as she approached him.
"Fine," she stated firmly, sidling up to him and tugging on his coat lapels. "Looks like Ah'm free for t'night. Shall we?"
His only answer was his smile.
-oOo-
She'd held onto his sleeve all the way up to the room, not quite able to take his hand in hers, but still somehow needing the physical link between them. He hadn't denied her the connection, and it had been another dangerous form of attachment between them, however small - nevertheless it was as if they had both now accepted that the attachment existed, and they were helpless to do anything about it.
Key in the lock, a flick of the wrist; the door was open and they were sliding inside, already kissing before it was closed behind them - she heard him working the locks and bolts one-handed while he pinned her up against the door, his mouth warm and hungry on hers… The door finally locked, she felt the back of his hands caressing her cheeks, her hair, falling to her shoulders and sliding the duster off her, his mouth nipping her lower lip, grazing her jaw, down her throat to her clavicle, unzipping the bodysuit as he went…
It was with an effort that she pushed him back, fighting for breath against the passionate onslaught of his kisses.
"Remy…"
He surfaced, touching his nose to hers and catching her lips with his own, before saying humorously: "Lemme guess… You wanna shower…"
She felt almost embarrassed.
"Uh huh," she sounded weakly.
He chuckled, deep and husky, pushing himself away from the door, freeing her.
"Okay," he said good-naturedly. At least he seemed to find her habit amusing. She edged away from the door, her knees like jelly, the fire still in her stomach, realising that she didn't want to stop - she needed him too bad…
She half turned back towards him, looked expectantly over her shoulder and drawled: "Maybe yah might wanna join meh…?"
-oOo-
This time, as always, it had been different to the time that came before it.
This time even Rogue had surprised herself. She'd had no compunction about where or how she made love to him, just as long as it had been fast and hard and wild and graceless, and he hadn't disappointed her - but then he never did, not in anything. By now, she was completely comfortable with him, and he with her - not only were they lovers now, but they were bold and confident ones, ones who'd lived and seen through danger and knew they could cheat it. They were now so completely secure in their clandestine relationship that they couldn't even conceive of the possibility that they might not meet again. They were indestructible and inviolable, and that in a way made their love affair even more exciting and illicit.
This time it had not been awkward, nor soulful, nor desperate, nor poignant or touching. It had been gleeful, joyful, abandoned - they'd explored and experimented with one another's bodies with a freedom neither had felt before. They had been exhilarated, elated by this, their own private war against the world.
Of course, this deepening sense of collusion could not but deepen their sense of emotional partnership - but by now they had both accepted this with a kind of resigned helplessness, undesirable though it ultimately was. Because both knew that it could not last, that one day they would reach a point where both mutual feeling and mutual secrecy would become untenable, and that they would have to make a choice - to leave behind their differing worlds for one another, or part ways forever.
But while the knowledge of this eventuality was very much present inside both their minds, neither heeded nor made any allusion to it. It was so dangerous neither of them wanted to touch it for fear of facing the fact that their entire relationship was built upon a teetering house of cards, one that must one day inevitably come tumbling down.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all," Rogue murmured half to herself, while she bent over and re-taped his wounds. Below her, Remy merely pulled a face.
"Chere, for de last time, it's nothin'. I'm fine. B'sides, what's pleasure without a little pain?"
She raised an eyebrow at him.
"Ah'm beginning t' think there's just a little bit of the masochist in you, Remy LeBeau."
His expression was voluptuous.
"You only just noticed?"
She grinned wryly to herself. "Somethin' tells me this ain't the first time you've messed around while at death's door," she commented.
"I get a lot of broken ribs in my line o' work. I also happen t' get a lot o' fun on de sidelines too." He shrugged. "You learn to live with it."
"Sounds like a lotta hard work," she noted sourly, pouting. He smirked and reached out, caressing her pout with his forefinger.
"It's a lot of hard work when you're not around," he bantered teasingly, making her poke him a little too roughly, and just as she'd finished up taping his ribs. He winced.
"Count yahself lucky Ah even agree t' come round this pokey li'l place and make out with you at all," she grumbled.
"I do," he answered solemnly, though his eyes twinkled brazenly as he watched her vigorously pack away the first aid kit, a begrudging expression on her face. "Every minute of every day."
She threw the kit over the side of the mattress and stretched herself out beside him, frowning. "Ah am so just your fetish," she complained in a murmur.
"Mebbe," he agreed after a moment. "You were always de unattainable goddess on her pedestal, remember? And it just so happened I was de one who managed to attain you. It's a bit like a fantasy made flesh, isn't it? I get to debauch de pure, innocent virgin and turn her into a passionate sex goddess. There isn't a guy alive who wouldn't be jealous."
Her frown was in serious danger of being permanently etched onto her face. Is that all Ah ever am to men - a fuckin' sex object?
"Well Ah'm so glad Ah've had the pleasure of bolsterin' your male ego for you, you insufferable jerk," she growled sarcastically, rolling over and poignantly turning her back on him.
"If you're so bothered about it, I ain't keepin' you here under lock and key," he noted acidly behind her. "You're free to leave at any time."
"Ah'd leave if you really wanted me to," she threw back at him in an equally caustic tone. "If Ah knew you wouldn't turn up in another six month's time and beg me to come back up here and play your freakin' sex slave."
There was a short silence before he returned in a curious tone of voice: "And if I did do exactly dat… Would you still say yes?"
She paused, knowing she would say yes because she was dangerously infatuated with him and that every night since they'd last been together she'd been longing for him in a way that wasn't just down to mere lust…
"Yes," she confessed in a belligerent tone. He laughed.
"You wanna make threats, chere, you better learn to seriously mean them," he heckled her; she was sorely tempted to give him another injury at this point.
"But if Ah did walk out on yah," she pointed out cynically, "if Ah decided to disappear off the face of the earth, and you couldn't find me no more… You'd miss me then, wouldn't you." She rolled back over and propped her head up in her hand, looking down into his face with a testy expression. "Wouldn't you?"
"Okay, okay!" He looked harassed. "I'd miss you. Maybe just a little." He sighed theatrically.
She glowered, but couldn't help breaking into a laugh when she saw he was really joking.
"Don't worry none, sugah, Ah'm sure you'll find your kicks elsewhere." She settled down into the pillows, finding she wasn't really bothered about it that much if he did. Just as long as he was alive and happy… He shifted slightly onto his side so he could look into her eyes.
"Nah… I'd miss you for sure." He smiled and stroked her chin tenderly with thumb and forefinger. "I'd be pining too much t' even so much as look at another woman."
"Pfft. You'd only miss the sex."
"Heh. Too right. Who woulda thought dat de untouchable ice queen would turn out to be such a dirty little girl?" He paused, a slight frown touching his lips. "Still can't get over it…"
The way he was looking at her, so intense, as if he could capture the truth from her with his eyes, instantly told her what was on his mind, and for once she didn't shy from it - she was ready for him, ready for the inevitable question…
But it didn't come.
"If you wanna say it then say it, Remy!" she broke out, frustrated.
C'mon, ask me if you're the only one, ask me if Ah've been with other men, ask me if Ah'd leave them all behind for you and Ah'll gladly say 'yes'…
But he said nothing, still giving her that half-penetrating, half-troubled look.
He still can't spit it out…
Irritated, hurt and angry, she hit his chest hard, hard enough to hurt, hard enough for him to reel over onto his back and she pressed her hands against his breast, glared down at him and cried: "Just what is your problem?! Ah know you sleep with other woman, Ah even accept it; why shouldn't Ah be able to see another man?!"
He stared right back at her, calm, grave, serious.
"Is there another man?"
It was so quick, so unexpected that for a moment she was taken aback, unprepared; and suddenly something within her faltered and she couldn't confess it, somehow she knew it would hurt him too much…
"No," she finally breathed. "No, there isn't."
A terrible half-lie, a terrible half-truth, because her heart would always belong to him while her body would always belong to many…
His expression hadn't changed; it was still closed, still watchful, and she sank back onto the mattress, turning her back on him once again, her eyes smarting, unable to bear the look on his face. At last he spoke, breaking the dense blanket of silence.
"Of course, if there ever was anyone else… If you ever wanted t' be with another man…"
"Yeah, Ah know," she snapped, cutting him off; she didn't even want to hear him say it. …If you ever wanted to be with another man go ahead, I wouldn't care…
She almost wanted to tell him that he didn't have to worry, that she'd never want another man, but somehow she knew it was going too far. She lay there, staring at the wall, until she felt his lips press against her shoulder blade, his breath on her skin as he asked, "You mad at me?"
"Nope," she lied.
Silence.
"I'm sorry," he spoke up.
"For what?"
"For makin' you mad. And for havin' fun when I'm not here with you."
He'd picked up enough negative vibes to know that she wasn't in the mood for afterplay. She felt him roll away from her.
"Don't bother apologisin'," she fumed at him.
"Okay, I don't apologise for it. Geez."
She heard him reach for the packet of cigarettes in his discarded trench coat pocket; the next moment there was the sharp click of the antique gold lighter he'd no doubt stolen somewhere down the line, and she smelt the aroma of burning tobacco.
"Seriously though," he spoke again after a short silence, "ain't you jealous?"
She pretended to think about it.
"No," she replied at last. "Ah want you t' be happy. The happiest that you can be."
As long as there's always someone to keep you warm…
He chuckled a little, but the laugh was light and appreciative rather than mocking.
"Are you happy?" she asked him curiously.
"As happy as I can be," he replied honestly. "You?"
She said nothing. She couldn't very well tell him the truth; but on the other hand she couldn't bring herself to lie either.
"Things are okay," she said at last, letting it lie at that. She swivelled round again, changing the subject before he could question her further. "What's the time?"
He reached over the edge of the mattress again for his watch, stared at it.
"Twelve twenty five." He placed the watch aside again. "You gotta get back early tomorrow?"
"Ah should get back before midday," she murmured, thinking about what she should say to Mystique when she reported back tomorrow – not to mention what Mystique would have to say about it. "What about you?"
"Gotta job tomorrow," he grunted, taking a drag and blowing smoke. "Shouldn't've agreed t' go and do your dirty work earlier today - I'm totally busted up."
"Should've rested up instead of screwing me senseless," she told him archly.
He laughed quietly, sat up and grabbed a grimy old ashtray from the nearby nightstand, tapping his cigarette against it.
"Wouldn't be me if I didn't test all de boundaries of sense and reason every once in a while, chere."
She hummed her agreement, propped her head up against his thigh, absently stroking his calf with the back of her hand.
"Thanks though. For gettin' me outta that bind. It means Ah get t' keep my head when Ah report back tomorrow."
"You already thanked me," he said, tapping more ash into the ashtray.
"Not enough."
"We could go another round, if you really want."
She ignored his cajoling tone.
"Ah mean it. Trask would've killed me for sure." She sighed and lifted a lock of her white hair, stared at it miserably. "Guess Ah'll have t' dye my hair now, huh? Trask'll be lookin' for a gal with a white streak in her hair - he'll be stoppin' every gal on the street who fits the description just t' get his hands on me."
He looked down at her.
"Why de long face?"
"Ah happen to be attached to mah skunk stripe, thank yah very much," she scowled back up at him.
"Hmm. I'm kinda fond of it too. But you're right, chere. It'll have to go."
She sighed.
"Ah hate this," she muttered.
"Would you rather be wit' de rest of de X-Men right now? Or a Hound? Or dead?" he asked.
"Ah'd rather be bustin' the X-Men out of those internment camps right now," she replied angrily. "Instead of blowin' up random factories and hackin' into the odd database now and then."
"Small steps, chere," he reminded her matter-of-factly. "We'll get there, Rogue."
He blew smoke, stubbed out the remnants of his cigarette, placed the ashtray back on the nightstand and slid back down under the comforter, putting his arms round her. She snuggled into him, shivering slightly at the relative coolness of his body against hers.
"Will we ever get there?" she whispered.
"I promise," he said. "We'll get de X-Men back and be one big happy family again."
She laughed mirthlessly.
"Happy family, huh? Half of them are dead already." She lowered her voice, continued: "Everyone who ever meant anythin' t' me is gone. The Professor's dead. So's Kurt." She paused. "Ah never got t' say goodbye t' him."
He stirred, nuzzling his face into her hair. "You ever hear from Mystique?" he asked.
"No," she answered simply, after a short silence. Strangely, it wasn't hard to lie to him.
"Guess she could be anywhere… Doin' anythin'… Bein' anyone, for dat matter…"
"Yeah."
"And Destiny? You ever hear from her?"
"Destiny?" She thought about Irene, always calm, always quiet, always going along with Raven's whims without question… yet orchestrating all Raven's operations, believing that all this pain and suffering was for some end purpose after all… "She must be dead too," Rogue said at last. "If she were alive, she'd be findin' a way to sort out the good future from the bad one… Maybe this whole fucked up regime would be over already."
"I dunno," Remy replied neutrally. "Remember what de Prof always used to say? Dat tryin' to fine-tune events so dat they fit de future you want is near next to impossible? Could even drive a person insane."
God, please don't let that be the truth…
"You mean Mystique and Destiny may have always been following just a pipe-dream?"
"Maybe. But if they're alive, and searchin' for an answer… I hope they find it."
Against his chest, she half-smiled.
"Me too."
They were quiet after that, him stroking her hair and lulling her towards sleep. Despite the fact that she wanted to savour every moment of this night right down to the very last second, she felt her eyelids grow heavier and heavier, and finally drop as she unwillingly gave into unconsciousness.
-oOo-
Just like almost every one of their previous encounters, when she woke up the next morning it was to find him already dressed and ready to go.
She blinked, her eyes smarting in the pale, frosty sunshine, before she saw him walk into the periphery of vision, consumed in his own thoughts as he slammed his bag down onto the crotchety dresser and stuffed some random items into it.
"On your way out already, huh?" she croaked into the silence. He started, paused, looking back briefly over his shoulder towards her before continuing his packing.
"Uh huh."
"'Cos last night was last night, an' that was just sex, and today is back to business?" she persisted, watching his movements which were now jerky, stilted. Still, there was a little strength, a little resolve left in his voice when he replied: "Yup."
His back was still on her, feigning indifference - and this time she knew he was feigning. She'd always hated the false detachedness of their partings, necessary though it had been, and for the first time she knew he'd always felt the same way, that he had never really wanted to leave either.
You're so stupid Remy… Even if we can't be somethin' more than 'just sex', it doesn't mean we have to make this hard on ourselves…
She threw back the covers, ordered him in a husky voice: "C'mere."
He paused again, looking over his shoulder at her, eyes widening when he saw what she was up to. But then a small smile creased his lips and he left the dresser and came to her, slipping in under the comforter as she let it fall over them again like a blanket of snow. Gently she took his hands in her own and placed them on her hips, letting him feel her, letting him hold her as she pressed her naked body against him; his eyes flashed, sudden desire rekindled, but she held his face between her palms, whispered: "Then every business day until Ah see you again, Ah ain't gonna be thinkin' of anythin' but you."
He gave no answer, no confirmation of his own feelings, but she needed none. Instead she opened his mouth with her own and kissed him, and it was enough to know how he felt when he kissed her back.
And when at last they finally pulled back, she felt satisfied.
"All right, sugah. You can go now."
She lay there smiling to herself as she watched him slide out of bed and go back to the dresser. She was okay now. She could go back to life on the outside without remorse. They shared a bond they'd never share with anyone else and she didn't care if it wasn't out of love. It was enough for her, enough to keep her living through the dark hours. She wouldn't be afraid to face the days without him anymore. She could carry on in some semblance of peace.
By the time he'd finished she'd almost fallen asleep again, but five minutes later he shook her gently into wakefulness, a cup of coffee in his hand.
"You stayin'?" he murmured.
"Just another few minutes or so," she drawled. "Ah'm tired."
"Then I'll leave dis here," he replied, placing the mug down beside the mattress. "But you might wanna drink it 'fore it gets cold, chere."
"You got a coffee machine in here?" she raised a lazy eyebrow.
"Installed it after de last time we were here," he grinned.
"Mah stars and garters, this is turnin' into a regular homestead," she bantered.
"Don't joke about it," he half frowned, half laughed.
"Ah s'ppose the next time Ah'm here you'll have a dishwasher too."
"Hmm. I'd figured on gettin' a TV."
"Don't need one, sugah. Watchin' you get all hot an' heavy is entertainment enough for me."
He laughed this time, a genuine laugh, and when he'd finished he almost looked sad that he had to leave.
"Drink up now, chere," he said softly, "I gotta go."
"Ah know."
He pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"You take care now."
"You too, sugah."
He stood up, shouldered his bag, headed for the door. She thought he'd pause before he went out, look back at her and say something, anything. But he pulled open the door, walked straight out and shut it behind him with a firmness that filled the empty chasm of silence with an ominous echo that made her heart ache.
She lay there, staring blankly at the ceiling, listening to his footsteps fade into the distance.
Then, they were gone.
-oOo-
A/N: Greetings from Japan! Yeah, I finally got to update... God knows when the next one will come since I am super busy and work is a bitch. Also, settling down into everyday life is so hectic and taxing that whenever I do have any free time I prefer to sleep. Hopefully I will get round to reading and reviewing everyone else's latest updates (you know who you are... gomen :p) and return the favour. Thank you so much for indulging me. Your kind words brighten up a stressful day. Please enjoy. :)
-Ludi x