Chapter 6
Where the fuck am I? Am I dead? This was the first conscious thought that came to Olivia's mind as she held on to the thin thread of her life. She had been through so much, only to end up hanging close to the jaws of death. She hadn't really been one who believed in things like god or the afterlife, but she was sure she was dead. Her body felt like it weighed a ton, she couldn't even move her eyes, so she couldn't see where she was. The only thing she could feel was the throbbing pain that shot all over her body when she tried to move. If she could feel this pain, she had to be alive, right?
Part of her was very scared of this reality she was in. What if, she thought, I stayed this way, being able to think, but not move? She could hear noises all around her, but where they were coming from or what they were coming from, she couldn't tell. One of these noises sounded strangely familiar. Part of her wanted to remember what this noise was, or who was talking. She knew she had heard it before, but she just couldn't tell who it was. The voice sounded so far away to her, that it just disoriented her even more.
She tried desperately to open her eyes. It was so painful for her to do something so fucking simple, it took all her strength and she gave up. She heard the voice say her name, this much was very clear to her, Olivia Benson. She heard it, but she just couldn't hang on to her thoughts anymore. The throbbing pain was just too much for her body to handle, and her thoughts ceased once more.
Cragen went to talk to one of the nurses after Elliot regain a little bit of his composure. He excused himself by saying that he needed to get some fresh air. This was partly true, but mostly, he couldn't stand just sitting doing nothing anymore. The sound of heavy rain and winds helped him to block things out.
"Olivia Benson. Please, I need to see her," Elliot pleaded for the last half an hour.
It was very clear to the nurses that he had been crying, even the ones that hadn't seen him break down. He wasn't allowed into her room due to the "legalities" of only family was aloud to see her.
The hospital staff had tried to track down someone from her family, but Elliot knew it was a pointless act. Her father was in prison and her mother killed herself a couple years ago. He was sure she didn't have any siblings, so it didn't come as a surprise when she left the part of making medical decisions if she wasn't capable of making them to Elliot.
He wasn't exactly sure if he wanted to call it a loophole that allowed him in, but, nevertheless, he was very thankful for it. Taking the seat next to her bed, he looked down at Liv. It shocked him to see her this way. Of course, he had been there when they found her, but the image was forever carved into his mind. She looked dead. If he hadn't seen the jagged rise and fall of her chest, he would have thought he had come in too late and the only reason they let him in finally was because she was dead.
"Oh, Liv," he said with a very heavy and sad sigh. He brushed some of her auburn hair from her face. It was a very sharp contrast from her sickeningly pale skin. He noticed as his brushed her forehead that her skin was a bit warmer than it had been on the way here. Thank god for that, but her skin was still cold.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said, wiping fresh tears from his eyes. He wished with all his heart that she would open her eyes again, to give him a small ray of hope. Couldn't she move just a bit, was it too much to ask for?
"You're such a fool," he told her. It was almost like he was telling her off for chasing after a serial killer again. If only she would say something back, it would be like old times.
"Why? Why did you do that?" he asked her as tears filled his eyes again. "You should have taken one of us with you. It wasn't worth what you went through, god damn it! They believed you would return in one piece, damn it! And now you're going to leave us here?" he wanted to shake her, hit her, even shoot at her. He wanted her to hear him know what she was putting them through, him through.
"Didn't you know I loved you? Don t you know how much you've hurt me? I know, you'll probably never know it, but I just need to tell you. I know it's against the rules for me to say these things, and I know you'd do the same if you were me, but I needed to say it," he said. He knew she couldn't hear him, but he wanted to get it out. He didn't know if he would live to see the next day without saying it out loud. He had been keeping this to himself, the only other person who knew was Mumbo, his dog, only because the dog couldn't tell anyone. He felt as though his deep dark secret was going to make him explode.