Male voices are the first thing you hear when you awake
Male voices are the first thing you hear when you awake. Nathan and Danny to be exact. You hear them laughing as the lock to the door clicks open. You hear them chatting about their events last night as the door shuts. Then you hear Nathan.
"Oh my fucking God!" He exclaims.
You have a huge hangover and really don't feel like opening your eyes to the blinding light.
Danny starts laughing hysterically and so does Nathan and then you realise what they're laughing at.
Ryan and you.
You and Ryan.
Naked.
Ryan stirs beneath you, you try to keep still and keep your eyes shut, you'd rather he wake, get up and pretend this never happened then the awkward waking up with you staring at him.
"Shut the fuck up." Ryan tiredly says.
"Man, Veronica is naked on top of you, you're naked beneath her. What the hell went on here last night?" Danny asks, still laughing.
It's the first time Ryan registers what happened and you feel him as he jolts up with you on top of him. He sits up straight, his back against the arm of the sofa and you straddling him, naked.
"Morning." You say awkwardly.
"Morning?" He replies.
You feel the cold air of the apartment across your naked chest and blush when you notice the boys staring at you.
"I might go take a shower and um, get dressed." You tell him, ripping the blanket off Ryan and wrapping it around you.
The boys start laughing again as Ryan shyly puts his boxers back on.
Awkward much?
--
When you get out of the shower, fresh feeling and dressed you walk into your room to find Ryan lying on your bed in his boxers.
"Hey." He says, sitting up.
"Hey."
"About last night…"
"Yeah, I really don't remember much." Liar, liar.
Ryan laughs and pushes his fringe away from his brown eyes. God he's hot. Just looking at him makes you want to jump him.
"So it never happened then?" He says, getting up.
"Never." You half smile as he brushes past you and goes to open the door.
"Wait, Ryan!" You say stupidly like in some dramatic movie where the girl is about to lose the love of their life. "I lied. I do remember it."
Ryan lets the door knob go and turns around, smirking. His tongue darts out to feel his lip ring you almost faint. That tongue, god that tongue. You never got to experience it inside you, tasting you, tempting you. Pushing you over the edge.
"Me too."
He sits at the end of your bed whilst you stand. He admires your choice of clothing, the new pair of skinny leg jeans you bought and a dark coloured singlet.
"We were drunk?" You laugh, trying to find an admirable excuse.
"We were, but not that drunk, Veronica."
"I know."
You finally sit beside him, placing your wet towel on the edge of a chair and shaking out your wet hair. Your chest heaves up and down nervously as you wait for Ryan to say something. To say anything. It's Logan all over again. Just different.
He licks his lips, like he does every so often, wetting them and teasing you just a little.
"It was good though right?" He says quite embarrassed.
You laugh and shove him slightly. "Good, no. Not good Ryan." His face turns pale and he looks a little upset. "Great maybe, amazing even. Awesome, fantastic, wonderful." You name all these adjectives.
"Really? Because I've really only ever had sex with girlfriends and never like just a friend or something." He says.
"You should do it more often." You smirk.
His hand finds its way to your thigh but sort of in a friendly way, sort of a thank you. He nods awkwardly.
"You were great too."
"I've had experience." You tell him jokingly.
Your wet fringe falls in front of your eyes, but you're not the one to remove it. Before you have the chance Ryan's hands reach out and he gently pushes the blonde strands of hair from your eyes and face and kisses your temple.
"Last night…Veronica, I've never…felt so, so…so great. Thank you." He whispers in your ear.
"No, thank you." You whisper back, breathing in his amazing scent.
He gets up. You wish he'd sit back down and kiss you. Kiss you like he did last night. Kiss you every where he's touched, every where he's been. You wish he'd kiss you with passion and fever and lust and love and urgency. All those things and more. But he doesn't. He smiles and walks out the door. Walks out of your room.
--
After you've had dinner in an awkward silence between you and the boys you jump on your laptop and get online. To your surprise considering it's quite early in America, Logan is online.
VeronicaMars03 says: Hey Logan.
Echolls02 says: What do you want?
VeronicaMars03 says: Sorry? Did I do something wrong?
Echolls02 says: Do something wrong? No Veronica, unless you consider breaking my heart and leaving without saying goodbye doing something wrong.
VeronicaMars03 says: I'm really sorry. You know that. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to leave you, or leave Neptune. But I did and its really for the best Logan.
Ryan sits beside you on the sofa and changes the channel.
"What are you doing?" He asks, trying to get some normality into his and your relationship.
"Logan's online. We're talking." You sadly reply.
Echolls02 says: Sorry doesn't mean anything Veronica. You were the last person on Earth I'd ever think would walk away from me. The last person I ever trusted and truly loved.
VeronicaMars03 says: Please don't do this. Don't put this on me Logan. You were the one who tried to kill Duncan and Dick remember? You were the one who proposed to me.
Echolls02 says: Because I fucking love you!
VeronicaMars03 says: I shouldn't have even come online. This was a mistake, go to bed Logan it's too early over there to be up.
Echolls02 says: I haven't slept since you left Veronica. I fucking miss you. I've cried and cried and tried to move on. I fucking couldn't even have sex. Every time I started to get close to having someone in my bed I'd lose it and cry. That's what you do to me, Veronica Mars. You fucking kill me inside.
Tears well up in your eyes.
VeronicaMars03 says: Don't do this. Don't pretend like I'm not hurting too.
Echolls02 says: You aren't or you'd come home. You'd come back to me.
VeronicaMars03 says: We'd never work out Logan. We're too epic. Too much drama.
Echolls02 says: Either that or you'd be the slut you truly are and cheat on me.
You read that sentence four times over. Four times. It hits you like a bus. Slut. Slut. Slut. Slut. Slut. Slut.
Veronica Mars the slut.
VeronicaMars03 says: Thanks.
Veronica Mars03 is now offline.
In a fit of rage you get up and drop your laptop and run to your room. You can hear the boys exchange whispers of 'What the fuck?' as you slam your door but it's only Ryan who knocks on your door asking what's wrong.
"Go away!" You yell, sobbing already.
Slut. Slut. Slut. Big fat slut.
"Veronica, let's talk about this."
"No! I'll probably try to screw you again being the slut I am!"
"Is that what he said? He called you a slut?"
You open the door and throw your arms around him, crying into his shoulder.
"Yes." You hiccup and sob.
Ryan closes the door behind him and sits you on the bed, kneeling in front of you and lifting your chin up.
"You're not a slut, Veronica. Far from it."
"I am. Look at me. I've been here for a few days and I've already managed to fuck someone."
"That's different." He tells you, hugging you.
"How!?" You yell angrily.
"Because I like you. You like me. We like each other." He says, kissing your forehead.
"That doesn't make a difference." You tell him, wishing he'd just go away.
"Yes, it does. You're not a slut, Veronica. Just because you happen to had, had sex with me a few days into moving here does not make you a slut."
"He's right, Ryan." You reply sadly, tears falling from your eyes. "I've become Lilly. I hated that part of Lilly. Always cheating on Logan and hurting him."
"Don't cry, please." He says wiping your tears away.
"I should call him. Apologize. I never mean to make him hurt, I never meant to make him cry."
"You don't have to call him. He's a big boy, Veronica. He can grow up and learn to live without you, you don't have to try and fix this."
You look at Ryan and wonder why he's telling you this. He should be encouraging you to talk to Logan, to even get back with him not grow apart and forget about him.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I care Veronica. I know what someone like Logan can do to a person and I don't want to ever see you like that."
"Thank you, Ryan but I think I need to do this. I need to say goodbye properly."
He sighs and you almost forget about the phone call so you can just hug Ryan and never let go. Never ever, ever.
"I'll be in my room if you want to talk afterwards, or if you just want to cuddle or sit there. I'm here for you."
As he walks out you realise how different he is to Logan. Logan and you, you and Logan, you were never like this with him. You couldn't be right? It was so hard to trust Logan and open up to him, but with Ryan it's so natural that you've told him your life story in the short amount of days you've known him. Logan doesn't even know your life story.
Slowly you flick through your address book on your phone to find his name. Logan fucking Echolls. When you find it you are hesitant to press the call button. Say goodbye and let go? Or don't say goodbye and let it fester inside you.
The call starts to connect.
Thump, thump, thump. Your heart goes faster and harder.
"Veronica, what do you want?" Logan answer. Damn caller ID.
"Please don't hang up Logan. Please."
"Why not?"
"We need to talk. I don't want to argue and fight and piss each other off, I want to really talk. I don't care how long it takes or how much this is going to cost me, even if I'm low on cash. We need to do this."
Logan sighs and you imagine him sitting in his hotel room alone in the dark.
"Let me call you back. I can afford this."
"Thanks."
As you both hang up you plan what to say in your head. What to say, what to say?
"Hey." You answer.
"Hi."
"First off, Logan let's try not to fight please. I'm doing this for the both of us."
"Okay."
"Fine. Okay. I want to tell you that I'm sorry for hurting you Logan and I know it was stupid of me to just run away like that and I should have spoken to you first but I was afraid and upset and I just couldn't deal anymore. I'm sorry for that."
You hear Logan take a swig of something. Probably beer. Most likely beer.
"Do you know why it hurt me, Veronica? Why it hurts so much that you're doing this?"
"I have a good idea but do tell."
"Because after all we've been through together, Lilly, Duncan, Dick, your dad, everything Veronica, you still push me away when we get serious. I love you and it's never going to change but I'm starting to feel like this is Lilly all over again. The way she treated me was horrible, always cheating and lying-"
"I never cheated on you, Logan. Never."
"Even so, you lied about Duncan and Dick, you couldn't tell me about your dad. It's Lilly. I loved her so much and I knew a part of me just knew she didn't love me like I wanted her too but I still loved her and took care of her. Please tell me that's not what we were. That you loved me just as much as I did you."
"I loved you Logan, just as much and more than you did me."
"Okay." He says, letting you speak.
"But I can't be with you anymore. It hurts every time you screw up, knowing that you'll never change, Logan. I love that about you, that you don't care what people think, that you'll never change but the type of person you are Logan, we're not meant to be together. And I'm sorry for that because inside me I know that I love you so much…" You pause to cry a little. "…so much, so, so, so much."
"I'm sorry about calling you a slut." He says.
"That hurt the most. Especially knowing that you know how many guys I've slept with and you still think of me like this?"
"I don't. I was angry and I needed to say something that would hurt you. It was the first word I could think of."
"Well it hurt. But I have to tell you something but I don't want you to get angry or upset."
You know he's already guessed what you're going to say. This only makes it harder for you.
"I slept with one of my roommates last night."
"I figured." He spits out.
"I was drunk." You say before you realise. "No, that's no excuse. I was drunk, but not that far gone. It wasn't a mistake but it wasn't intentional either. I mean I like Ryan, just like him. Maybe I'll never love him, not as much as I do you but he's different, not you, not us. He's everything you're not I suppose, in a good way and a bad way. He's Australian to start with, he was in a band too with a couple of other guys from Melbourne, we visited the pub he used to play at. But he's not as witty as you and probably not as rich but he's different and I think that's what I need."
"You don't know how much this is killing me. I'm not able to have sex with any woman because I love you so much but you're already practically in a relationship with another guy."
"I know. I'm sorry. Really, sorry."
"I guess this is it then? The end, the final epic story of Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls." He jokes but you know he's upset.
"I guess so."
"I'll always love you Veronica Mars no matter how far away you are. Always."
"I know. I'll always love you somewhere in my heart too Logan Echolls. I'm happy we did this."
"Yeah."
"Goodbye, Logan."
"Goodbye, Veronica."
The line goes dead and you wonder for a split second what the hell you're doing? Logan loves you, he loves you more than any other human being could love anyone and you're letting him go. He can take care of you and give you things no one else can. He can protect you from danger and keep you safe.
But you and he are too epic, remember?
You leave your room and don't realise how long you've been on the phone for. The apartment is dark and cold and silent as you walk across the hallway to Ryan's room. There's no light on and you presume he is asleep. Really you shouldn't go inside, you should go back to your own bed instead of waking up Ryan but you don't want to sleep alone and be alone with your thoughts.
So you go inside.
The door creaks as you open it and Ryan's eyes open slowly. He knows it's you immediately and pulls back the covers as you close the door to his room. You creep over and only then realise that you've not changed into any pyjamas or anything, so you stand at the end of his bed and take your top off and then your jeans. He gets up and goes to his draws and offers you one of his t-shirts.
You politely take the t-shirt from him as he stands behind you. Ryan kisses your neck softly and pushes your hair to the side as his hands fiddle to unclasp your bra. You feel his lips on your shoulders and neck and his hands finally unclasp the bra. It falls to the floor and reveals your breasts but Ryan doesn't attempt to touch them or anything, he pulls the t-shirt over your head and kisses your forehead.
"Thanks." You whisper as he pulls you over to the bed.
It's not long before you and he are in bed together. Your back faces him and he holds you from behind, keeping you warm and soothing you. Ryan pulls the blankets over yours and his body and kisses your cheek.
"Goodnight." He whispers.
But you're almost asleep and don't reply.
Goodbye forever dear Logan. It's been a long epic road and we've finally come to an end but all in all I'm glad we were together even if it wasn't the best. I'll never forget you.
But Logan won't let you, will he? Oh, Veronica, little sweet innocent Veronica. We're sorry to inform you but this isn't your happy ending just yet. Logan Echolls will be making an appearance sooner than you think, so don't get too comfortable in your new found roll as the lover of a guy in a band.
Sorry everyone for the super long wait! I've been in hospital. Funny story really. I used to have ferrets and I was attacked by one a few weeks ago and well the bites got infected and I ended up in hospital. Anyway so I haven't been able to use both hands to type for awhile. On top of all that I've missed heaps of school and just been trying to catch up. So anyway here's the update, expect another soon. Don't forget to review too!