Lawli: I tried to make L less of a jerk in this one... n.n;
34 – Not Enough
"I do not understand."
L pauses in his pursuit of dressing himself and spares a quick glance behind him at the fourteen-year-old who is sitting on the bed. Backup stares back at him, his grey eyes emptier than L has ever known them to be. He's still naked and does nothing to hide this fact; L wonders what happened to the shy boy he used to know, who was terrified to even show a bare limb in front of others – what happened to Beyond Birthday?
"What is there to not understand?" L finally asks, pulling his shirt over his head. His skin is sticky with dried sweat and other things he'd rather not think about. All he wants is to get out of the room and take a shower.
Backup doesn't say anything and L sighs. He doesn't want to explain himself. Backup should have known from the beginning that things would not always be this way. His name hints as much, after all; L specifically gave the boy the codename 'backup' so as not to give him false hope.
"You knew this would happen."
"I didn't. I didn't know. I thought... I thought I..." Backup closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I want to be you. L, I... all my life, that's been my goal. I've tried so hard to better myself, to make myself worthy of your title."
L glares at him. He hates when Backup talks like this, talks about his desire to become L, because that is not the Backup that he knows and cares about. He wasn't always this way; he never used to care about becoming L. He used to know that he was only the backup plan, should L fail. "I never once said that my title would be passed to you, B."
"But I'm smart enough," Backup says, moving so that he sits on his knees. He crawls to the edge of the bed and takes hold of L's shirt, twisting it in his fingers when L tries to shake him away. "I'm good enough, I know I am. I'm just as good as that new boy, I know I am – I'm better than him, L, I'm all you need!"
"Enough. Please, B, you're making this more difficult. I don't want things to be sore between us."
"B-but –"
"You were never meant to be L," L interrupts him. "Your name is Backup for a reason."
Backup flinches, his hands releasing L's shirt suddenly. L stands up but does not turn around to look at him. He waits for Backup to say something, and when no words come he begins to make his way to the door. As he reaches the door, he stops with his hand on the knob to finally face Backup again.
"B... you can do better than this," he says. "This life, it isn't right for you. More than that, it's not what I want for you. You're brilliant and charming, and there are so many opportunities available to you that I want you to go after."
Backup is shaking his head, his lips moving though no sound escapes them. He grips the bed sheets tightly, his hands trembling along with the rest of his body. L doesn't know if he's going to cry or scream or just sit there silently; lately, Backup has become an impossible person to read.
"No." The word finally comes out.
"No... no... no, no, no, no, nononononono..."
"B," L tries to say, only to be cut off by a loud wail from the younger boy. He doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to deal with this; he's never had to comfort anyone before, and this situation is especially difficult since he is the source of Backup's pain.
He ends up leaving the room in a shameful silence.
Nothing he could have said would have been enough.