REPLACEMENT VERSION
There's no difference between this version and the last except for five words. Apparently I hadn't finished my sentence.

He was awake when his Captain left his room that night. It was the first time he was conscious through the whole thing, being ripped apart from the inside. The pain hadn't made him cry in quite some time. Maybe, he thought afterwards, that was part of the reason that it had not knocked him out: he was getting used to it. A terrifying idea, nonetheless true. How he wished he had been out cold, though; despite his exhaustion, it was nearly impossible to fall asleep then.

Kira was shaking as he stood around for the morning meeting from the sleeplessness. He was paying even less attention to the conference than usual, heavy eyes fixated on Shuuhei, thinking about how to explain his situation to the only friend who might understand. As much as Hinamori might be dedicated to her Captain, she didn't have the sense of duty that he and Hisagi did. And Renji . . . he would probably never get it.

He spent the meeting absentmindedly studying Shuuhei's various tattoos and accessories while trying to word what he wanted to say. This wasn't like the request he had beforehand; it would require much more forethought to get it right the first time, the only time that counted. He placed a hand on his throat delicately; he could still remember the asphyxiation, trying to inhale but the air didn't reach his lungs, could still feel the fingers pressing against his airway, still see the smile stretched across his Captain's face.

It wasn't until the Second Squad Lieutenant bumped into him in passing that Kira realized the meeting was over, and it was time for him to take action. His heart pounded as he saw the back of Shuuhei's head and tapped him on the shoulder. He spun around in alarm, but when he saw who had called him his expression became one of exasperation.

"Oh, Kira. What is it?"

His tone of voice and manner made it clear that he had waited up for Kira the other day and was under the impression that he had been stood up. This caught Kira off-guard, and he lost some of the composure he desperately needed.

"I –um – I'm sorry about yesterday," he started. "I . . . fell asleep in the middle of paperwork."

"Oh." Shuuhei nodded and gave a small, forced smile. "Is that all?"

"No," Kira said quickly, heart beating faster. "I –um- need to talk to you about – there's something I need to . . . Ichimar – uh— it's about --"

"Spit it out," Shuuhei started impatiently.

"Um, well, I had – I wanted to tell – ask – talk about – um --"

"I really need to get back to my Squad, Kira," Shuuhei argued. "If you're just going to waste time mumbling--"

He shook his head and started towards the exit, vexed and off-put, muttering to himself in annoyance. Kira struggled to get his attention back, trying to put what he wanted to discuss into words.

"I wanted to talk to you about . . . Captains," Kira said earnestly. It would be best, Kira thought, if he started the conversation generically and slowly eased into his personal complications. He wasn't ready to spill it all at once. Not yet.

Hisagi paused and looked back at him. Maybe it was something in the way his eyes gleamed that made Kira think that he knew something was wrong. "Go on," he urged.

"Well, it's just that . . ." Kira started uneasily, "you said that the Captain usually does what's best for . . . for Sereitei. But . . ." He swallowed before continuing. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Your Captain?" Shuuhei asked. "How's that?"

"I didn't say my Captain," Kira said hastily.

"You meant it," Shuuhei noted slyly, "and it's no secret that Ichimaru Taichou isn't very conventional."

Kira looked away.

"Is that the problem?" He continued.

"Sort of," Kira muttered, no longer able to look at his friend directly. "It's that . . . I think he's . . . doing something wrong."

"I'm not going to ask what," Shuuhei said warily, at which Kira gave a sigh of relief, "but do you really believe that?"

"Yes."

"Is it against Soul Society?"

"I . . . I'm not sure." Kira didn't really want to think about it so in depth. "But it . . . definitely breaks some rules."

Hisagi smiled. "Well. Sometimes a Captain does go against regulation, but it's got to be for some reason. Like Tousen Taichou . . . we went to the real world for training one night. Completely against the rules, but it was the best training I ever had."

"So . . . you're saying it could be for my benefit?" Kira asked quizzically. Obviously Hisagi didn't understand. Maybe now was the time to explain himself.

"I'm saying that whatever it is he's doing, it's for a good reason," Shuuhei went on, trying hard not to be condescending. "Look, Kira, you've only been here for a couple of weeks, I'm sure you're just confused. You're not used to your job yet, got a lot of stress--"

"I just don't understand how it could possibly be for anyone's benefit," Kira rushed, realizing too late that he didn't mean to say it aloud.

Hisagi was alarmed by Kira's tone of voice. "What . . . specifically makes you doubt that? Captains are put in charge for a reason. They know what they're doing."

"I don't doubt that," Kira said offhand, twisting his hands, "I know . . . he knows what he's doing." Kira lowered his voice at the last phrase, the connotation making his insides squirm.

"I don't--" Shuuhei began, clearly racking his brain to try and figure out what Kira meant. "I don't know . . . what's going on. So I'm just going to give you some generic advice. And I've told this to you before. We are Vice-Captains. It is our job to follow our Captain's lead. There are some things they do that we don't understand, but believe me, if it's a Captain doing it, there's a reason. It's not our place to question it, it's our place to help it along any way we can. Trust is what it's about sometimes. Do you understand now?"

Kira shut his eyes tightly and did not respond.

Hisagi moved forward, now concerned and curious. "Kira, speak up," he implored, "what have you seen that makes you think your Captain's not--"

"You know, forget it, it's nothing," Kira interrupted, smiling nonchalantly. "It's stupid. It wasn't really anything now that I think about it. Thank you, Hisagi-kun. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

Shuuhei frowned as Kira bowed to exit, disconcerted. Kira took a small breath as he got outside. He had gotten so close to admitting the truth, so close to telling someone, but in the end he couldn't bring himself to do so. He was too afraid. Afraid of what Shuuhei would think of him after, afraid that he might tell someone else, afraid that Gin would find out, afraid to strain his relationship with his Captain any further.

Maybe Hisagi was right after all. Gin was a Captain of Sereitei, if he was as cruel and sadistic as everyone thought him to be, he wouldn't be allowed to be in charge . . . right? Maybe the choking really was to teach him a lesson on vigilance. Maybe making him do all the paperwork was a lesson on responsibility. But . . . not all of it made sense. And the idea of Gin having a sweeter core was impossible.

It is our job to follow our Captain's lead . . . not to question it. These words reminded Kira strongly of what Gin had said to him on his first day. The "Lieutenant's duty" speech still bounced around in his head every time he did something against what he imagined Gin's will must be, making his stomach turn with uncertainty. To follow without question was what he was supposed to do after all.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kira saw his Captain approaching and his hand fluttered to the hilt of his sword automatically and swallowed hard. Gin did a lot of things he did not approve of, but it was not for him to decide what was right for Sereitei. Hisagi was right. It was about trust. Kira glanced slowly upward at his Captain's face, the bittersweet smile gaining width as he drew Shinsou slowly. He so wanted to trust him. But he wasn't making it easy.

It's a test. Kira thought, finally coming to a plausible conclusion and fighting to crush the bits of his mind thinking otherwise. It's a test. A test. To see if I trust him.

He hoped he passed it before Gin really did some damage.

Just a note that Hisagi's not giving bad advice; Kira just took it the wrong way.