Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Bella's POV
Phil's wake is today. Esme Cullen and Claudia Hale had helped Renee with all of the arrangements, for which I was grateful. I couldn't handle that. Renee and I drove in silence to the funeral home aside from a few sniffles from Renee. Jacob would be coming later on. We needed some time first.
"Mom," I whispered, when we pulled into the parking lot. It was a big white building, with black lettering on the sign and big windows with maroon curtains. I wrapped my hand in hers. "I love you. And I'm here for you."
"Thanks Bella," she sighed. She squeezed my hand gently and climbed out of the car. As soon as we were both out I took her hand again. It was the first time she would see Phil, since the hospital, when he first died.
"You ready?" I asked. We were inside. There were two separate rooms, a greeting room of sorts and a room with the actual coffin and flowers and everything. Renee nodded. Her fingernails were digging into my palm but I didn't mind. We took the few short steps into the room.
It was well decorated. Tons of wooden chairs with maroon and gold cushions. Flowers, mostly red and white roses, overflowed the room. There were a few high backed, cushioned chairs where the family was to sit. That consisted of me, Renee, Phil's parents and his brother. We were the first one's here.
I saved the actual coffin for last. It was a dark mahogany, glossy and polished. The inside was red and velvet. I slowly dragged my eyes to Phil's body.
He looked peaceful. Like he was sleeping really. You couldn't tell the difference. His cheeks were paler than I remembered. He was wearing a black suit, more formal than I expected. Like I had really thought he would be in his baseball uniform or something. His hair was neatly combed and he looked content. Renee was shaking with sobs next to me. We walked slowly to the coffin and knelt on that little stool thing. There were three bouquets of blood red and white roses right above him. Beloved Husband, the first one read, right in the middle. The others said Beloved Son and Beloved Stepfather. They looked beautiful. I could hear Renee whispering next to me.
"Oh Phil," she sighed. I was surprised by how controlled and calm her voice sounded. "Who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to help me, when I'm alone at night and scared? Who am I going to love and hold…every day of forever?" She was overtaken by sobs and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, silent tears dripping down my face. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Then the doors opened and I saw Phil's family for the first time since the wedding.
His parents were shaking with tears. His mother had graying hair in a bun and a long black dress on. Her eyes were filled with tears behind her glasses. His father was older looking, wrinkly and bald. He wasn't crying. But there was more pain on his face than I would have thought possible. You weren't supposed to outlive your son. It must have been the worst pain imaginable. His brother wasn't crying. His face was blank, expressionless, even as he stared at the coffin. He didn't seem to have processed what happened yet. Renee instantly stood and we walked over to them hand in hand. Renee was instantly engulfed in a hug from Phil's mother, both of them breaking down into sobs. I turned to his father.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," I whispered. My voice was shaky. His father half smiled and surprised me by hugging me. I said the same to his brother who just nodded. When Phil's mother broke apart from mine, she hugged me too.
"Oh sweetie," she sighed. "Stay healthy dear for you mother. She needs you right now." I didn't really know what to say to this so I just patted her lightly on the back. The funeral home manager came in and told us people were starting to arrive so we all lined up near the coffin, my mother closest, then his parents, his brothers and me last. The first people came in, the Cullen's. After all of them went up to the body they came to the line. Esme and Carlisle hugged Renee before shaking the hands of the rest of the family. Esme kissed my cheek when she reached me. The children all went through the line also. Alice and Edward both stopped with me.
"Bella I'm so sorry," Alice said. It was the first time I had seen perky, bouncy Alice actually look sad. I wrapped my arms around her and she hugged me tightly.
"Thanks Alice." She kissed my cheek and let go. Emmett came over and wrapped me up in a big bear hug, cutting off my air supply. After him was Edward. He took my hand in his.
"Bella…" he said softly. I didn't let him say anything else. I just shook my head and wrapped my arms around him, holding him even closer then Alice. His body molded perfectly against mine and comforted me. He kissed the top of my head. I felt him stiffen at the same time I saw Jacob come into the room. I didn't let Edward go. I wasn't ready to, not just yet. I heard Jacob's husky voice as he gave his condolences to Renee and Phil's family. I reluctantly slid away from Edward when he came up to me. Jacob instantly took his place. I stepped away from him sooner.
"I'm sorry Bells," he said lightly. He kissed me tenderly. I was surprised again by how calm he seemed towards Edward, especially after that first night. But Jacob had been cool and distant his whole visit. I assumed it had something to do with Phil's death. I knew I must be acting different and he probably didn't want to upset me by being jealous. I didn't really mind. He was leaving right after the funeral.
"Thank you Jacob," I replied. He kissed my forehead before going to sit in one of the many chairs in the room. He didn't really know anyone but he had volunteered to stay a while, so I wouldn't be alone. It wasn't really necessary though. The Cullen's were here with me.
That Hale's were the next in. Then Lauren and her family, much to my dismay. I must admit, it pissed me off when, after sneering a sorry to me, she ran right up to Edward and started flirting. I mean flirting at a funeral? How low can you get.
The wake seemed short and everyone was soon back at our house with more food than we could eat. I sat with Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett and Jacob the whole time, chatting calmly. Jacob and Edward both stayed mostly silent.
"Bella can I see your room?" Alice asked suddenly. She gave me a look that clearly said she wanted to talk to me.
"Yeah. I'll be right back," I said to everyone else. I gave Jacob's hand a quick squeeze and hurried upstairs with Alice on my tail. When we reached my room she sat me on my bed and sat on the floor, resting her head on her knees.
"Okay. Explain." I knew at once what she was talking about.
"Jacob decided to surprise me with a visit from Forks," I said quietly, not meeting her eye. "I didn't know he was coming."
"Do you love him Bella?" she asked, her voice grave.
"Yes Alice," I answered instantly. And it was true, I still loved Jacob.
"You realize it's possible for you to love more than one person at a time right?" she asked. I sighed.
"I know Alice. Believe me I know."
"This is killing Edward, Bella. Did you see his face when Jacob came?" she asked, her voice laced with her brothers vicarious pain.
"I know Alice and I hate doing this to him. But he knew I had a boyfriend, he knew," I said, sounding pleading.
"Did that stop him falling in love with you Bella? And I know you love him too, even if neither of you will admit it," she said. "This sucks Bella. You're my friend but he's my brother. And you're so clearly meant to be."
"I can't deal with this right now Alice," I said, my eyes watering slightly. "I'm sorry to hurt Edward but I love Jacob. He's always…been there for me."
"I know Bella. But Jacob is your past. Edward can be your present, your future. I know what you two were about to do in that kitchen before Jacob came in. I know you were so close to kissing. And don't act like you didn't want it either. I saw your face after you kissed him the first time, the way you savored it. I saw his face to. The way he looked like he'd just been socked in the stomach by the love bug." She smiled half-heartedly. "He's hurting Bella. And I hate seeing him so sad. And the thing is, I know you're hurting too. Can't you just stop the pain?" I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Alice!" I sobbed. "I don't want to hurt Edward. But I don't want to hurt Jacob either!"
"Bella…I'm afraid you're going to have to hurt one or the other. You can't have it both ways."
"I just don't know Alice. I love Jacob and I…don't know how I feel about Edward."
"Think about it though Bella. Who did you cry to when Phil passed Bella? Who has really always been there for you?" The questions were rhetorical, I could tell. She stood up off the floor and kissed my forehead before skipping downstairs. I laid back on my bed and sighed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.
The funeral was short. A few words at the church and at the cemetery. Renee sobbed and sobbed. I cried and Jacob held my hand. And if he wasn't there, Edward always offered a shoulder to cry on. I felt like some sort of mistress, switching off between two men who were both fighting for my heart. Alice didn't mention our conversation from last night. She knew I was in pain. She knew I would make the right decision. Just what was the right decision?
"Bella what's up? You seem so out of it," Jacob commented. We were driving to the airport. He was leaving. A moment I was both dreading and anticipating.
"Nothing. I'm just going to miss you," I said truthfully. I pulled into the parking lot and we hopped out, Jacob dragging his bag along behind him. He secured an arm around my waist and we got to the place where the plane was boarding. "Goodbye Bella."
"Goodbye Jacob," I replied. He kissed me then but it wasn't the same as our first kiss goodbye. Something had changed. It might have been infinitesimal, something so small neither of us had realized. Or maybe it was so monumental neither of us took it as a change, just the way things were. I'd never know.
"I love you," he said. "Bye Bella." And he said it with such finality, it seemed like he wasn't planning on seeing me anytime soon.
"Love you too. See you Jake." I kissed him one final time before he boarded the plane.
That night, I sat up in bed until at least three in the morning. I was thinking about my choice, the one I knew I had to make and couldn't put off any longer.
Edward or Jacob? I had known Jacob for so long, he had been my first love, my first kiss, my first a lot of things. He had introduced me to feelings I didn't know were possible, opened up a whole new world of opportunity to me. He had always been there for me, my rock, my life preserver in a choppy sea. Whenever I needed someone, he was there. I loved him and he loved me.
But Edward, he was something else. Something magical, mystical, like my mind conjured him up, designed especially for me. He was gorgeous and always there when I cried, comforting me, holding me. I thrilled at his touch, at his kiss. Everything about him sent shivers down my spine and tingles through my body. If I was in love with him, it was something totally different than with Jacob. Something with more tenderness and passion. Something from another galaxy.
Jacob or Edward? Familiarity or magic? Love or passion? Maybe even both. I didn't know. But I knew my choice. Now I just had to work up to telling them. I didn't tell anyone of my choice. I knew one heart had to be broken and it would be all my fault. But it's not like I could keep leading him on like this anymore. It was wrong and mean.
It was three days later I got the phone call. It was a surprised really. I hadn't been expecting Angela to call.
"Hey Bella," she said, her voice laced with nervousness and sadness.
"Hey Angela! How are you? I didn't expect to hear from you," I said with excitement. Angela was my closest girlfriend from back home.
"I'm fine Bella. I just…I have to tell you something…important Bella." Her voice was full of sadness.
"Ang? What is it? What's wrong?"
"Bella I really didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this," she said, her voice shaky. "I just…I wanted you to know. It's not fair if you don't know. I wanted you to hear it from me, not anyone else."
"What is it Angela? Tell me," I commanded. Panic was starting to creep up on me.
"It's Jacob."
"What about him? Is he hurt?"
"No, no, nothing like that. Bella…Jacob he…" She trailed off.
"What Angela? What did he do?" She took a deep breath and I waited in complete and utter silence.
A/N: Cliffy ) Again. Sorry people it's just too hard to resist. And can I just say you guys are absolutely amazing? I love all of your reviews they're so awesome, keep 'em coming! Thank you!