One morning, I opened my cellphone, saw a picture of Gin there, and closed it right away. He's scary at 7 in the morning when you're alone outside in the cold waiting for a bus.

Anyway, this chapter and next are the most important chapters of the story. I actually generally planned them from the beginning (which is not something I usually do). That's how I wrote this in four days. Don't expect as much for the next one.

Mornings were dark and dreary. Kira had been waking up earlier for a while, but he had lost track of how long that had been. He lost track of how many times he had been to Squad Four during that time, lost track of hours of the day, and couldn't recall anymore what the days before this were like. He sat in his room one morning, waiting for the sun, thinking about how much firmer his grip was now on his sword.

After ten minutes or so, he picked Wabisuke off the desk and walked out into the main room. A shining, swinging blade came at him as soon as he put a foot out the door; he drew and blocked it, almost casually, pushing back at it until it withdrew.

"Good," Gin said, "yer gettin' better."

He should hope so, as he had been spending almost every free hour defending himself and fighting back against his Captain, or occasionally some subordinate that Gin had coerced into helping them. It would be a terrible disappointment if it was all for naught.

"Look at ya," Gin said proudly, linking his arms around Kira's shoulders, "growin' up already." He moved his lips to his assistant's ear, breathing into it slowly. Kira frowned but otherwise gave no resistance.

There was a knock at the door. Gin's hot breath fell on Kira's neck before he took his arms back and headed for the door, sliding it open to reveal a slightly surprised and awed Shinigami with bright red hair hastily stuck in a ponytail. Gin looked back at his assistant, indicating "it's for you," wordlessly. Kira's jaw dropped. He caught it and closed his mouth quickly before stepping over into the doorway.

"Renji-kun, what are you doing here?" he asked, trying to keep from looking as though his privacy had been invaded.

"Thought I would walk you to your meeting this morning," he answered. Kira noticed he kept making apprehensive glances at his Captain, who was especially bad at pretending not to listen. "Haven't seen you lately." He had gotten more tattoos, now spanning from his brow up to his hairline and one jagged black line running down the side of his neck.

Kira's eyes flickered to Gin momentarily before nodding and joining Renji outside. Then the two of them started up the walkway side-by-side at nearly the same pace.

"I wondered if you'd died," Renji joked, "Apparently you haven't been around in a while. Shuuhei said he invited you out ages ago and you still haven't shown up."

"Been busy," Kira muttered.

"You been spending all your time indoors?" Renji asked. "That's not healthy, you know."

"No, I've been outside," he started when the two of them were struck by a great reiatsu. Kira recognized it as the Captain of Squad Six, and indeed, he saw him up ahead, strolling along by them, long black hair flowing behind him, watching them as he passed. Kira noticed that neither he nor Renji was paralyzed by his power anymore. They both turned to look at him. He stopped.

"What are you doing?" he said monotonously, slightly impressed that they were still standing.

"What do you care?" Renji hissed, annoyed.

"Speak in a level tone to me," Byakuya said in a commanding voice, though still low.

"Why don't you just leave us to our own business?" Renji argued. Kira stepped awkwardly aside, keen not to get involved.

"I'll mind when an insolent dog speaks back to me," Byakuya condemned, throwing back his long black hair.

Renji's face went red. "Insolent – you want a piece of me?!"

"I don't have time for your antics," Byakuya retorted, starting to continue on his way. "Consider yourself lucky that I have somewhere to be. I'll remember your face, dog. Next time you won't be so fortunate." He turned a corner and was gone.

"Why did you do that?" Kira scolded as soon as the captain was out of earshot.

"Do what?" Renji said in annoyance, clearly still hot around the collar.

"Argue with him," Kira answered. "All you have to do is hold your tongue, swallow your pride for five minutes and you won't get yourself into such trouble all the time."

"Get myself into trouble?" Renji looked as though he had been slapped in the face. "He was the one who got into my business! Just because he's a Captain--"

"Therefore he has more authority than you do," Kira continued, surprised to find that his own voice was rising. "Even if he was being difficult, it doesn't do you any good to fight with him. I don't understand why you can't just shut your mouth and listen."

"He thinks he's better than me! I'm not going to just nod dumbly and obey just because he's a fucking Captain!"

"Why not?" Kira shouted. "Just do it! It's not that hard!"

"No," Renji said, making his tone as offensive as he could, "sounds more like something you would do."

Kira was taken aback, and his hand found its way to Wabisuke's handle, fingering it readily. "What did you just say to me?" he said, warningly. "Don't forget, Abarai, I'm you're superior, too, so show some respect if you know what's good for you."

"Is that a threat?" Renji jeered.

"Don't test me," Kira said darkly, eyes narrowed. "Watch your tongue, next time could be the last time it mouths off."

The color went from Renji's face, his anger with it. "Kira, I'm your friend," he said obviously.

"Yeah, well . . ." Kira shifted slightly uncomfortably, but kept his authoritative manner. "Learn your limits."

Renji stared in disgust for a moment. "Learn your own damn limits," he said before pushing past Kira and going off in the opposite direction without another word. Kira looked after him, a trickle of remorse penetrating him, but he shrugged it off and headed to the meeting room, irritated at Renji's impudence.

He continued on his way, wondering how in the world Renji expected to get up higher on the ladder with those manners, accidentally bumping into random people as he went but too distracted to apologize. He hadn't yet reached the doorway of the meeting room when someone with spiked black hair turned the corner in front of him and stopped him going any further.

"Hey, Kira." Hisagi did not look as he usually did when greeting a friend. He was perturbed. "I just ran into Renji. What the hell were you two having a row about that you threatened him?"

"It was his own fault," Kira argued, "I was simply saying that he should respect his superiors once in a blue moon, and that he doesn't have to disagree with them every time he opens his mouth."

"Kira," Shuuhei reprimanded, "you know Renji has a problem with authority, he deals with it his own way. He enjoys getting under their skin, even if it does get him into trouble."

"Not you, too," Kira muttered. "My point wasn't that he's getting into trouble, my point is that he was disrespectful, and he always has been."

"It's about respect, now?" Hisagi said quizzically. "Since when have you been so into this hierarchy thing?"

"Hisagi-san, you're the one who told me to respect and listen to my Captain--"

"But I didn't tell you to go around threatening people into showing you respect. It's common sense, Kira. I know you have some of that."

Kira went pink. "I didn't threaten, it was a simple warning for him to toe the line--"

"'Toe the line'?" Shuuhei repeated, raising an eyebrow. "So . . . now you're lecturing people, too? Don't you think you're being a little extreme?"

"No!" Kira said loudly, and stepped into the room before he could get into another argument. His head spun with annoyance, convinced he was right. So they all were against his judgment. So be it, they would turn around in the end. But it all fluttered out of his mind for a minute as he looked up at the Vice-Captains in the room and he saw something he had not been expecting.

"Good morning, Kira-kun," came the sweet voice of a young woman with brown hair tied up in a bun. Her face was flushed pink, smiling brightly, probably because of the badge tired to her right arm.

Kira couldn't answer right away. So this was why Renji had wanted to walk him to the meeting. "When – when did--?" he managed to say.

"Just yesterday," Hinamori answered, beaming. Her smile faded when she saw his eyes were bloodshot and his face red. "What's the matter?" she asked.

"Just . . . having a bad morning," Kira answered, as an afterthought. "But . . .I'm so happy for you, Hinamori-san. Congratulations."

"Do you know where Renji-kun is?" she asked, slightly anxiously. "He was supposed to get you this morning. Have you seen him?"

"Yes," Kira answered, feeling guilty, "he's all right. He just . . .got sidetracked."

He didn't say another word until the end of the meeting, glancing uneasily between Hinamori, who smiled at him, and Shuuhei, who refused to look at him. When they were dismissed, he took one last look at the Ninth Squad Lieutenant before running out. There was nothing else he had to say.

"Kira-kun--?" Hinamori started. He could hear she was worried, but didn't have time to reassure her, he needed to get back to his squad for training.

He was thankful to have the training to take out his frustrations as he stood next to the building, waiting for Gin, staring at a lone tree that towered over him, watching him, seeing the misery underneath its leaves and standing above it all. It was almost as though it were mocking him. Poor soul, it said, so unsure of where to go. So pathetic. So alone.

Kira scowled at it, but it didn't stop brooding. Without thinking, he drew Wabisuke and slashed it at the tree. That'll teach it. He hit it, over and over again, slicing quickly through the air until his shoulder gave out. He clutched it, leaning against the broken tree and looking hopelessly at the plain walls. He was losing it.

"Izuru, what dija do ta that po' tree?" Gin asked, bemusedly. Kira neither answered nor turned around. Gin folded his arms. "Come inside fer a minute. Clean yerself up."

Kira didn't dare disobey a direct order, and followed his Captain inside the building. He had never gotten into a fight like that, never felt so angry at everything. His sword was still in his sawdust-covered hand as Gin brought him a glass of water, and he gripped the handle tightly. Yes, his grip had gotten stronger. But that was all.

Renji's twisted face stood out in his mind, full of loathing and disgust. It was the same face Renji had when talking about the adults he grew up with. The people that stole bread from the hands of beggars, the people that ransacked a dead body for anything of value before leaving it to rot, the people that had been responsible for the deaths of many of his friends.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

Kira let the sword hilt slip through his fingers and hit the hard wooden floor. Gin watched it then looked at his subordinate as though he were an old movie seen a hundred times before, but still intrigued.

"It's making me someone . . . horrible," Kira explained more to himself than to his Captain. "I can't . . ." He sank onto his knees and began to cry into his hands, regretting so greatly when he asked for the will to take a life. It felt like ages ago when he had stood up and said it, only thinking about his need to fight hollows and looking for a way to numb the wretched knowledge that he had killed someone. But this . . . it was nothing but misery and false confidence.

Gin was silent throughout Kira's mental breakdown, finally stepping forward, tipping the glass of water over and letting it splatter onto his assistant's head, watching the effect for a minute, before grabbing him by the forearms to pull him to his feet. Kira lost his balance at once and leaned against his Captain to regain it, still choking up tears that mixed with the cold water dripping from his hair.

"Pull yerself together," Gin scoffed. "Yer makin' a spectacle."

"You . . .you have to promise me," Kira gasped, trying to stop his crying, "that . . .we won't do this . . . anymore." He tightened his grip on the front of Gin's robes.

"Well," Gin said warmly but reluctantly, "if ya feel so strongly 'bout it."

Gin placed his hands around his subordinate's shoulders, bringing him slowly closer. He combed his fingers up through his hair.

"I'm just . . . so tired," Kira whispered, closing his eyes. He rested his head on Gin's shoulder as his Captain pulled his head forward. Kira breathed and took in the clean scent of Gin's robes, running his hand onto his chest where Gin took a hold of his wrist. He smiled gently, Gin's fingers combing through his hair, happy to finally have a moment of comfort that was just that. They stood for a few minutes, until Gin let go and led Kira back to his bedroom.

He's going to kiss me now, isn't he? Kira thought as they reached the door posts, looking up into his Captain's face expectantly. He closed his eyes and waited for it, the start to their nightly routine.

"G'nite, Izuru," Gin said, gave him a brief peck on the forehead, and went back to his own room. Kira was left in the doorway with one arm outstretched, bewildered. Here he was in bare vulnerability, yet for once, Gin did not seize the chance to take advantage of that. Immediately, he stepped out and followed Gin's footsteps.

"Taichou, is something wrong?" he called.

"Course not," Gin answered automatically. "Why d'ya say such things?"

Kira paused, wondering how to word it. He hardly knew how to begin, curious on what Gin expected him to say. They had never discussed this before, communicating about it through gestures and the act itself. It was inevitable that they would eventually have to say something, though. He decided to go with the subtle approach. "Well . . . you're in your own room."

"Yes," Gin said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, raising an eyebrow. "I sleep here, Izuru. I'm quite tired."

"Is . . . that all?" Kira pressed.

"Yep. Go ta sleep."

"Alright." Kira took a last glance back at his Captain before going off to his own room in solitude.

The room was strangely empty, though this time he didn't really mind. The blankets were crumpled and spilling onto the floor, for he had never before bothered making the bed. The chair by the desk in the corner was on its side: from what, he did not want to think about. After taking another look over his shoulder, he approached the bed.

Pulling the blankets up to his neck, he lay down on the mattress, filthy as it must be. He turned on his side and closed his eyes gently, wondering if he remembered how to fall asleep.

A few special thanks:
Ashley, who ironically hates anime, for being the inspiration for the Renji/Kira fight
Steph-Steph, who really needs to update her profile, for being supportive
Max, for trying to give me ideas even though he squirms at the word "yaoi"
And while I'm at it, my Mother, for not reading my documents.

Shutup, tree!! Stop mocking me!