Chapter Four:

Knives

Hermione sat there in the lap of a stunned Harry. Why she had said it, she didn't know. Why she had revealed it, she would never know. This whole thing was driving her crazy, and this whole thing was burning through her like acid. She didn't dare to look at him, but she was just as stunned as he was. She had no idea what she was thinking, but she had spoke the words.

The sun was beginning to rise, and they had not said a word to each other. When Hermione finally got the strength to move, she did. She left him alone while he drowned in his thoughts. She was bathing in her own pool of confusion as she continued her way downstairs. She walked down each creaky step with a different tone of sighs on each single step.

It was quiet in the Burrow at dawn. Only the sound of clinking pans could be heard from the kitchens. Mrs. Weasley had set each pan with magic as they cleaned themselves of waste. Everything was the different here, compared to back home. Nothing would ever be the same here. She could see images of home, but she wasn't positive if she'd be strong enough to return.

Hermione had entered the kitchen. She opened the two sided window and a gust of lighted wind had slipped through. It took her by full power and she let out a heavily sigh of the morning. She loved the smell of morning dew that rested on the grounds. She knew that smell even from home, but she couldn't exactly feel like home.

She turned and walked to the small island in the center of the kitchen. Everything looked clean and each utensil looked polished. She glided her fingers softly about the counter top and sighed again. It made her think of home, but even the touch couldn't remind her of it now. She secretly wanted to go home, but she wasn't sure if she could face her mother in a time like this.

Maybe she was wrong to neglect her mother when she had lost the most important thing to her. Her father was a man of his word, but her mother seemed to see past all of that and didn't care for trust. Somewhere Hermione felt that she didn't belong in the family anymore, but she technically doesn't even have a family any more. Even her heart begun to feel empty because of this thought.

It's not that she didn't love her father. It's not that she didn't love her father, and it's not because she thought it was her fault. She didn't want to return, because she couldn't bear to see her mother in tears. Not now, not ever. She just couldn't. She didn't feel like it was right to leave home and return just because her father died, but there it was right in front of her and she turned her back on it.

Her father was dead. He had died in a car crash, and she could do nothing to save his life from ending. He was gone, and he would not come back. She could never speak to him again, and she would never be able to see his face again. She wasn't sure if she could ever live again. Hiding from everything in the world that faced her wasn't living, it was coward ness. She was nothing but a coward for turning her back on the few things that she ever loved.

Her head had hit the table with a thump, but she claimed to herself that pain was the least of her problems. It didn't matter to her if she was hurt, it only mattered if the ones she loved were alright. She had left Harry without a word and the mistake of saying something that meant something to her, but probably meant something completely different to him. She hadn't meant to say she was planning death, because that wasn't it at all. She knew the word, she just couldn't think of it.

Maybe she hadn't meant it, but she had most definitely said it. Harry probably thought she meant it, but she told herself countless times that she didn't. She had told herself countless times that she was the reason for her father's death, but Harry had told her it wasn't anything to do with her. Maybe it wasn't, but the thought had stung her eyes with crystal clear tears. She wanted to run away and never return to this world.

She didn't want to lift her head as it rested against the wood top of the kitchen island. The tools were rested neatly around it, and her eye caught nothing but a knife. Everything rushed through her mind, did she dare do it? Did she dare take that knife and do the unthinkable? Maybe she did mean her death. Maybe she was lying to herself and really did mean death.

The shining blade was tempting her with a large amount of force. She could imagine herself gripping it, but she couldn't. She stared at the black, leather handle with desire and then she did it. She picked up her palm and reached for it. In a slow motion her tears fell down her cheeks. She went to grasp it. Her fingers hadn't even grazed the handle when suddenly she jumped.

"What are you doing?" A voice said from the hall.

Hermione had thought she jumped over two feet, but that was an exaggeration. She looked up and wiped the tears from her eyes almost instantly. She saw him and she was speechless. She couldn't talk. It felt like a snowball was stuck in her throat and it wasn't able to melt. She gulped loudly as the man had walked closer to her. She had no idea what to say to him.

"Well?" He asked.

"Nothing," She whispered.

She tore her eyes away and looked at the man with pleading eyes. They were filled with sadness as she felt the prick of his eyes on her. She felt a shiver go down her side. She began to tremble lightly. She couldn't look at him and her heart felt it was beating faster then a hummingbird's wings could flap. She covered her mouth to muffle her sound and noticed his eyes weren't filled with sorrow or sadness. They were filled with anger and she had gasped.

"What were you doing?" He demanded.

"Nothing." Hermione stated and he shook his head.

"Damn it Hermione!" He shouted.

Hermione let out a scream as she watched him shove the knife onto the floor. She watched it spin off the table and onto the floor. It made a few swishes of the blade and it stopped. She noticed the end ending up pointing directly at her. Was this a sign? It pointed to her, but she couldn't hear its voice. She looked back to him with fear in her eyes.

"Harry stop it!" Hermione screamed unexpectedly. Harry had turned a glare on her.

"You told me not to lie, and you made me promise you not to do this!" Harry spat at her with anger. "I expected you to do the same!" He said.

"I wasn't going to do anything." She had whispered and Harry growled at her.

He turned and took a bowl from the rack. He had slammed it on the floor and Hermione had screamed once again. The cement pieces shattered and grinded into a grayish sand color. Hermione looked up at him as his rage soon increased. How could she stop him from destroying everything? She wasn't going to do this, honestly. Why wouldn't he listen?

Hermione watched his foot slam into the ceramic dust and a tiny gust of dust had been released to air. She looked at him with fear as she stood from the stool and stared at him with fear. She never knew she could be afraid of him, so why was she afraid? Why was she afraid to even look at him?

"Don't lie to me Hermione!" He said through clenched teeth.

"Harry, please, stop this!" She pleaded. "I wasn't planning anything, I swear." She cried with trepidation.

"You ordered me to stop it too, so you stab me in the back by doing it yourself." He growled at her. "You were planning on cutting yourself weren't you?" He said with fear.

"No, Harry… never." She pleaded.

She backed up into a glass rack and each exploded from behind her. She had screamed with each shatter and felt a piece graze her neck. It hadn't cut it, but it felt like a small sting of a bee. Sometimes even small things can hurt more then you'd imagine they would.

"Stop lying to me Hermione!" He said as a wave of rage flooded her. She back away and felt her hips crash into the counter.

"I'm not lying to you!" She swore and her chocolate eyes blended with tears. Her eyes instantly became glossy and she gasped.

She had tried to run for it, but it was no use. He had grabbed her wrist and made her fall to the floor. She had curled into a small ball as his grasp tightened. They felt like iron snakes wrapped around her wrist in a knot. She gasped with pain as her voice was gone from shock. She screamed under her breath.

"Let go of me!" She pleaded.

"Did you think about it?" He asked with clenched teeth. She could hear the sharp cord of a note as his teeth scraped with other ones.

"No!" She screamed. "Why won't you believe me? What has gotten into you?" She asked with a face of a scared child.

"I don't know." He said, but what gave Hermione the chills is that he had said it in a relaxed tone.

Hermione breathed gently as she was released from him. Blood trickled down the side of her arm where his nail had dug into her skin. She wasn't sure if he really did mean what he was doing, but she knew that this wasn't who she remembered. This was not the man she loved, and this was not the one she swore to that she'd give nothing but pure honesty to him.

"I'm sorry Hermione, but you… it's just that…" He had trailed off without meaning to and she had only noticed the last few words: "I didn't mean it." He said.

"Usually I'm not a forgiven person." She said with coldness in her voice. He had nodded and had got the conclusion that she wouldn't forgive him.

"I'd understand if you didn't forgive me." He said in surrender. He had pointed his wand at her wrist and the bruising had instantly disappeared. Hermione tried to smile, but she couldn't bring herself into doing so. "I didn't mean it. All this stuff has just drove me crazy over the past few days. I can't control my emotions as easily as before." He had knelt down in front of her.

She had wiped the tears from her eyes. She had just realized that she could not blame this on him. She hadn't even imagined what had happened over the summer, and she felt that he had done nothing but desired revenge. Growing up for a full summer and getting treated like that… no wonder he was such a mess. She couldn't blame him for something like this. She couldn't blame his for having these feelings and getting confused.

"I understand," She had spoken in a soft tone. "You were confused with your thoughts and reality." She said.

"Not entirely." He said and Hermione had fixed him a confused look.

"Is there more?" She asked.

"I thought…" Harry started. "Well, I have no idea what happened, but please do not judge me for this." He said. Hermione had nodded in agreement. "I thought I had seen my Aunt in you." He said.

"How is that?" She asked, rather offended.

"Every morning I would come down when breakfast would call. She would always be sitting by the counter with her head in her arms crying because of Dudley's weight. Then when she would see me she would try and grab everything in sight and stash it away." He said and Hermione sighed.

"Then you saw me." She said. He nodded.

"I didn't mean to scare you, and I honestly didn't mean to hurt you. It just came back to me and I couldn't control myself." He said. "I couldn't stop myself from letting this happen, and I was shocked about this morning."

"What were you shocked about?" She had asked.

She thought of nothing at that precise moment. Nothing came to her mind that would make Harry shocked. She couldn't think of any, but when he said something everything came back to her. Every mood, every color, and every image had returned to her head. She wasn't sure if she could hold onto this news, but she clutched her teeth and hoped to answer him.

"You said you were planning your death." He said. "You have no idea what that meant to me." He said.

"You jump, I jump." She said and Harry sighed.

"You don't honestly mean that Hermione. After everything and after this?" He asked and she nodded.

"It doesn't matter what you do," She said. "I'll love you forever."

They had spent that morning cleaning, and they had no clue on how Mrs. Weasley had no heard one thing. Harry was pacing in his bedroom without a word. He had no idea why what happened downstairs happened. His mind was a little fuzzy and he had not meant to create anything down stairs. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Hermione, and he had done it.

He didn't know how to erase the past. He couldn't just put her under a spell and act like it never happened. It did happen, and he couldn't change that. His mind was still racing with thoughts of what was going on, but he didn't understand how she could still love him after he had harmed her. He didn't even forgive himself, so why exactly did she forgive?

He had no idea or no thought about her except thinking that she was completely insane about her tactics. He couldn't love her forever without knowing that this might happen again. He loved her now, but he didn't want to hurt her. That's how all breakups started, but he couldn't let her go now. He couldn't let her leave him, because he was nothing without her.

Without thinking he had sat on his bed hardly and brought his wand to meet the door. He cast a spell on it and it shut tight. It was so no one walked in on him in the middle of doing this. No more time would be waste with thoughts of the past, and no longer would he live with the thought of ever harming her again. He had to make it up to her, but he had no idea how.

He let out a surge of pain when he had done something to himself. He batted away the soiling and stood from his seat. He covered it with a towel and slipped on a long sleeve shirt so it hid the towel. Without a word he had left the room and proceeded down stairs and almost instantly came face to face with Mrs. Weasley. She had a smile on her face, clearly not knowing anything, and patted his shoulder.

"Glad to see your feeling better." She smiled.

"Thank you," He smiled. She had patted him once more on the shoulder and watched him move swiftly around her and into the kitchen.

"What is your hurry?" She asked as Harry had stuffed three pieces of toast into his mouth without word.

"Buiy neft fo foe ho iayon alie." He said through his stuffed mouth.

"Hold it," She said. "Calm down, swallow, and now what?" She asked.

"I need-" he started after her swallowed. "To go to Diagon Ally." He said and Mrs. Weasley looked floundered.

"Why on earth would you want to go there alone?" She asked. She looked flustered with confusion and he laughed.

"I need to pick up something," He said hastily. "For someone." He said and she nodded.

"Somehow I knew you and Hermione would get together." She said.

Harry had frozen right before he stepped into the fire place. How could she know? They had been hiding from the family ever since he arrived at the Burrow. How could she have known if she hadn't seen him? Was he missing something or did moms really know everything? He had laughed in his head, but turned with silence.

"How did you know?" He asked and Mrs. Weasley smiled.

"You rushing upstairs as soon as you got here and then I sent Hermione to check on you and she had not come back down." She said. "I kind of figured it out. That's not all though." She smiled.

"There's more?" He asked in shock and she smiled.

"I walked in on you two when you were asleep. I hadn't meant to, but I was looking for something and I thought I might have left it in that room when I was cleaning it today for you. I put the pieces together and I couldn't help but celebrate." She said.

"Ron wasn't too happy." A voice said from behind him. Harry looked and there stood Ginny.

"Why not?" He asked and Ginny let out a tired laugh.

"You honestly don't want me to answer that do you?" She asked and Harry shook his head.

"I suppose not."

Author's Note:

A little shorter chapter this time, but for some reason I like it. Now, do not a critic on how Harry acted earlier in the chapter. It's going to tie into something in upcoming chapters, so please, do not be all like "I hate Harry" because you'll find later why he did what he did.

Until next time!

To My Reviewers:

PrincessLuckyCML – Harry might have kept his word, but he had an interesting way of doing it. Hope you enjoy!

Maren L P – That was my first intention. I figured it would be Sirius' brother, but knowing J.K it could be a new character. I cried at the end of the book 6 too, but that book is DEFINITELY not my favorite.

Mel – I'm sorry to hear that you cut yourself too. I'm sure there have been some real problems to make you do that, and I'm glad this story had hooked you. I doubt after this chapter you'll read it though, because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose reviewers because of this.

heownesmysoulforever – That is seriously creepy that you have a napkin from McDonald's with my story name written on it. I'd go run in the street if it didn't hurt so much, lol. I'm just joking, but that was a seriously funny review. You made me laugh my ass off at it… haha.

X Acheron X – NOT THE FLYING MONKIES!

toga party! – I saw the video clip thing, and that was seriously funny. I had no idea what was happening at first, but then I got it. I think the funniest part was when the baby was taking its first steps then fell down the stairs… hahaha. I am such a horrible person. :p

FireMoonGoddess – If she listened to us wouldn't that be like us writing the story and not her? I'm just pissed off that it was Ginny. For some reason I hate her character in the 6th book. She's always so fricken stuck up!

FroBoy – Alright? Lol.

missradcliffe – I admit I even got pissed off at him and I WROTE IT! Haha. What was up with sending me seven messages of the same message? Was that by accident or were you trying to annoy me? Lol.

boredaurorchick – You got to wait like a day, lol. Glad you like it and I can't wait for your next review!

Well that's it everyone. Thanx Y'all!

Airalynn

UPDATED: (SATURDAY) JULY 30 2005

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough."