Disclaimer: My chappie again since my chapters are so long they have to be cut in half. How many pages do they usually turn out to be? Shwifty Five. So on the news front, Libertine trailer is now out (Ladies, an announcement…I am up for it all the time…)ARE you now, laddie? and I scored a 99 on my celebrity love match with Mr. Depp. Not to mention that Vicki and I have created our own Sim2 version of ourselves and the boys…bring on the make outs and whoo hoos! Boy does Sim Jack like to goose! Well, that about wraps it up. By the way the winners for the contest will be announced the chapter they appear which will be scattered about the fic. Keep sending in your characters if you want.
Oh and LESTAT the musical is finally coming out on Broadway spring 2006! Get ready to die people.
"There's no putting it off, Vicki." I declared again for about the fifth time, "We have to find a way to get them back."
"Why? And how?" Vicki asked, not looking too thrilled with the whole thing, "We don't even know where to start."
She had me there. I shook my head refusing to let that stop me, "Sure we do. It started both times with that." My finger flew to point at the TV.
"So what do we do?" Vicki sighed. Will sat next to her, a comforting hand on her knee and Jack sat in the corner. He had been sulking ever since the phone call fiasco.
"Maura's a girl, you moron!" I had yelled after hanging up with her.
Jack hadn't looked too convinced, "Are yeh sure?"
It had been insane.
"I dunno," I answered Vicki truthfully, "that's as far was my brain got to. Someone else fill in the rest. I'm tired. I need caffeine. Outta my way." I ordered barreling my way to the fridge in pursuit of a fizzy pop of cherry flavored coke.
"You know ladies…" Will began gently, "we needn't rush into this…."
"We're not setting up a date to screw, Will." I grunted, rummaging around the many shelves. Vicki covered his ears, "We're just trying to find a way for you guys to get home."
"I'm still having some trouble with how you mean to do that." Vicki posed.
"Easy." I said walking over to Jack (still pouting), "Get up, Jack."
Not a budge. Not a blink of an eye.
"Okay, Will…?"
"Oh no you don't…" Vicki threatened, angrily.
"Jeeze, fine. Come on, Jack I mean it. Get up off yo lazy ass." I warned, pulling sharply on his sleeve, but he merely gazed back hardly at me, his displeasure burning through his eyes.
"I don't think he feels up to it, Rachel." Vicki observed smugly.
"Then I'll make him."
"How do you plan to do that?" Will inquired earnestly.
But I had already jumped in Jack's lap. Now, it should be known I am not the lightest feather on the bird and so saying perhaps this is why Jack lost all resistance as well as breath, enough so I could pull him off the chair and place him in front of the TV
"Okay, heeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee'sssssssss Johnny!"
Silence.
"God, I did not mean forthat to be a pun. Okay, here it goes!"
And with that I pushed the already bruised Jack toward the TV…maximum speed…ludicrous speed even.
"OW!"
Jack fell after smacking into the screen.
I tilted my head to survey the damage, taking a pause.
"Yeah, that didn't go exactly like I thought it would. My bad, Jack. Jack? Jack?"
Vicki and Will were falling over each other in hysterics.
"You guys!" I exclaimed, "Stop it! Anything to roll around on the floor together. Help me get him up."
So when Jack finally came around after his near fatal encounter with my TV set, I admitted maybe throwing them back in the TV wasn't the way we were supposed to do this. Of course this meant we were back to square one.
"Alright." Vicki said taking the reigns of control, "Let's backtrack. What were we all doing before we went to Freaky Friday world? Will?"
"Crafting a new commission for another naval officer. I suppose he won't have it by the time of his challenge. Pity though, he'd need it. He was to take on the Commodore, last I heard…"
"James?" I asked startled out of the story by the Commodore's name. Had it really only been a day since I had given him that stupid hug. Weird, it felt longer. Jack pinned me with a look that symbolized Lavinia-izing my ass on the spot (for those of you who have never read Titus or seen the movie, Lavinia gets her tongue cut off as well as her hands), I shut up a bit after that.
"And you, Jack?" Vicki asked, in the hope of saving me.
"Wha's ta tell, love? A litt'l drinkin' may'ap, a litt'l whorin'. Jus' yer average nigh' in Tortuga."
Vicki looked toward me.
I wasn't paying much attention after the word 'whoring' had popped out, "I was washing my hands with goat's milk after taking a dump." I added.
"Nice." Vicki hissed in disgust. She shook her head as if to clear it of disturbing images best not left to the imagination and threw her own two cents in, "And I was watching the credits roll from the movie and feeling very depressed, and then that freaky deaky mon…OH MY GOD!" She exclaimed, and we all saw it at the same time.
"THE MONKEY!"
"Stupid blighter stole me name." Jack muttered.
Vicki and I were discussing this new clue in rapid sentences.
"The monkey!" I yelped.
"It jumped out of the screen!"
"And wrecked my home!"
"And you swiped it out the door!"
"Beat that, Tiger Woods!" I pumped my fist in the air.
"That's a bad thing, Rachel!"
"What? Why?" I asked quickly concealing my pride.
"Because if the monkey has something to do with the guys getting back and YOU booted him OUT…" She paused, "Never mind. I was mistaken, that's a good thing."
I shook my head violently, disagreeing, "Not if there's a demon corpse monkey roaming the streets."
"Don't' worry, if it tries to attack us your cats can just sit on it. Problem solved."
They probably could at that; they were as big as houses. I sighed, "That wasn't exactly my point, Vicki."
Just then there was a knock at the door. Everyone looked up. Mom wasn't supposed to be home for another couple of hours at the least.
"Everyone stay here." I ordered quietly.
"Screw that shit." Vicki grunted, getting to her feet and following me.
I peeped out from behind the wall at the door.
"Who is it?" Vicki whispered.
"I can't make them out. Damn lace curtain. I'll have to get closer."
"It could be the monkey…" Vicki warned.
"Why would it knock? It would just burst in, cackle madly, say something about chopping us into little pieces and then go about doing it. It's probably just the UPS guy." I responded, tip-toeing toward the door, and pulled back the curtains over the door a slip.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I shrieked.
"I knew it! Evil monkey! Well, is it? Is it the evil monkey?"
"No, worse…" I muttered pulling back the curtain the entire way.
"Hi guys!" The chipper form of our petite friend Maura waved cheerily at us from behind the protective glass, "Just dropping by to see what's up. Open the door."
"Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins." Vicki whispered in my ear.
"Just keep her away from the den." I whispered back, as I unlocked the door to let her inside.
She bounded in like a bundle of high energy, "So what are you guys doin'?" Maura asked shaking out the cold from her shoulders, another of her snappy hats on her head, she being a big fan of those sorts of things. Collector, she had her own private stash for any occasion.
"Nothing." Vicki and I chorused immediately.
"Right. I have to say I'm a bit hurt that you guys would get together without me, but anywhoo…Rachel…?"
"Ya huh?"
"How on earth did you get that long Jack Sparrow monologue? Was it from a new celebrity sound board on ebaumsworld?"
I shifted uneasily, "Well, not exactly…"
Her words were coming a mile a minute, "Cause it was great however you did it." She laughed then, "I almost thought that you actually had the REAL Jack…" Her eyes focused intently over our shoulders, "Jack…Jack…Sp-sp-Sparrow…"
"Maura?" I asked concerned. She looked like she'd just seen a ghost.
And then I knew even before he spoke. You see we could keep Maura out of the den but we couldn't keep the men in, especially when someone like Jack wanted out.
"Captain. Captain, lass. Why is it tha' everyone misses tha' litt'l bit o' information?"
Vicki put a hand to her brow to relieve her headache and I sighed as I turned to glare at Sparrow. He seemed undisturbed by this.
"Who's yer friend, lass?" He asked me. Maura pointed a finger limply at him, mouth slightly open.
"Jack, THIS is Maura." I informed him, "Maura meet…" I winced, "Jack."
"Ah," Jack purred as he moved closer, "So it'is tha' Maura's a gel. Pardons for the 'hole shoutin' at ye bit. Thought ye were someone else." He looked at the top of her head, "Nice 'at by the way, love." He commented charmingly. The thing is Jack's charm seems to knock most people off their feet, and Maura was no exception. Her eyes rolled back into her head and for the first and only time in her life…she collapsed in an unconscious heap on the floor.
"Damn." Vicki voiced.
"Bumpy sleigh ride, Jack!" I hit him on the arm, "Nice goin', you have to carry her then. Come on; bring her over to the couch."
"So what do we do now?" Vicki asked.
"I opt for slapping her or splashing water on her face."
"No need ta be so harsh, lass." Jack replied logically.
"How about we just scream 'The house is on fire!'? That usually does the trick." Vicki added helpfully.
"That or smelling salts." I agreed.
"Or the kiss o' life." Jack volunteered.
"What?" I snapped baffled, my eyes widened when he moved closer to Maura's prone frame, "Jack, what the HELL do you THINK you're DOING!" I grabbed him by the arm as he leaned down, jerking him back, "She's breathing, moron! You could clog her air passage with foreign air by doing that, whacko!"
Jack smiled slyly and I knew I had just somehow played into his hands, "Yer just green with envy, lass, tha' it's not yeh I'll be layin' one on." And turning back to Maura he leaned over.
I balled my hands at my sides. I've never been so mad, so angry in my entire life.
Thankfully, Maura woke up with a start before Jack had done his stuff and sat up quickly, hitting his head with hers.
"GAH!" Jack fell back, clutching his throbbing noggin.
Vicki clapped her hands happily, not even the second day and it looked like Jack was going to be slapped around more than usual despite the time difference, "Oh that was close, Maura." Vicki voiced, "One second later and you would have played a serious game of tongue hockey with Sparrow."
Maura wasn't quite herself yet, due to the extensive head injury and so didn't catch her last words, "My head hurts." She whispered, "Why?"
"Okay Maura," I began in a soothing tone, "Don't faint again."
She cut me off, snorting in derision, "Please, Rachel…I've never fainted in my life let alone just because I saw Johnny Depp standing in your living room…OH MY GOD! JOHNNY DEPP WAS STANDING IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!"
"Au contraire, my befuddled young friend," Vicki corrected, "Jack Sparrow was standing in her living room. Now however, he is on the floor, a large lump forming on his head because you knocked him out."
"Oh shit, I did…?" Maura murmured, "Wait a minute…Jack Sparrow is just a character…he's not real…"
"BLEEDIN' BLOOD OF THE RISEN BLOODY CHRIST, THA' 'URT!"
Jack was on his feet again, "Like bein' battered by a wild ram…which 'appened nigh on twelve years passed when I was in the Himalayas…"
To give Maura some credit she didn't faint again but simply looked from him to Will (who was standing next to Vicki) with strong scrutiny; then her hard gaze came to land on me. "Does your mom know you have half the cast of Pirates crashing at your house?"
"You mean technically?" I asked.
"You mean honestly?" Vicki added.
"Either. Or both." Maura responded.
We shared a glance.
"No."
Maura nodded, thinking that over, "Okay, I'm gonna digest that bit of info…" She breathed deeply, as if collecting her thoughts, "Well, I must say I'm shocked and disappointed in you and…no, wait! Why didn't you guys tell me?"
"Um…you're dreaming…this is ALL a dream…" Vicki waved her hands about Maura's face, making strange dreamlike motions along with hummed soundtrack.
"Get your hands out of my face, Vicki." Maura snapped getting to her feet, "There's only one way to make sure if it's a dream or not. Hey, Rachel?"
"Ya huh?"
"What's Draco's dad got ya doin'?"
"Who?" Jack questioned darkly.
I immediately burst into song, unable to resist the call of Jason Isaacs hotness, "DRACO'S DAD HAS GOT ME GOIN' MAD! HE'S ALL I WANT AND I KNOW THAT IT'S SO SAD! DRACO CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE BOY FOR ME! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE BAD BUT…I'M IN LOVE WITH DRACO'S DAD!"
Maura pointed a finger in my direction, "Would Rachel break into song if this was a dream?"
"Isn't that what people are supposed to do in dreams?" Vicki asked.
Maura sighed in annoyance, "Well yeah normal people. This is Rachel we're talking about here. If this were a dream she'd sing about Lucius Malfoy and then he'd just pop up so she could glomp him."
My good mood dropped suddenly. Oh no, Maura, don't…
"Fer 'er ta wha'?" Jack's hands were making strangling gestures.
Maura turned to him with a look of, 'I'm about to have a conversation with Captain Sparrow, shit mind's gone blank, okay plan B incriminate Rachel further…', "Attack." She explained the word, "You know…tackle him to the ground and then lick him from his head to his to…"
She stopped at Jack's thunderous expression, which he soon rounded on me.
"…and I wasn't supposed to say any of that was I?"
"Time to go, Maura." I said, frantically herding her toward the door.
"Wait, wait, wait…" She pleaded as I pushed her out, "Call me…and bring them over to my house some time. Let me at least borrow them so I can make Mack jealous…please, pretty please…"
"Goodbye, Maura."
"Was that a yes!"
I'd never seen Jack so steamed. You could have boiled an egg on his head he was so hot with anger, but then it would've got stuck in his hair. And I don't care what the cooking network says; eggs whites and dreads do not mix. Not even in a blender.
I retreated to Vicki's side in fear of the venom Jack was throwing my way. She was looking at Will who was looking through my cupboards thoughtfully.
"You know I love the man to death but I really would like to see him cleaned up and well groomed." She sighed from her vantage point next to me.
I put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Well, you know Vicki, perhaps now's the time to explain to them what a shower is."
"Is it magic?"
"Nah, lad, tis witchcraft, no doub' o' it."
"Look, it's really not that hard to understand." I argued. "You strip. You get in. You pull on this…"
"Lass, wha' a mind… all tha's due ta yer consortin' with them other blokes."
I rolled my eyes, "And then water comes out. Now, who's going first?"
While the men bickered about who was brave enough to venture into the fearful and newfangled contraption, Vicki and I left them to it.
"Man, is Jack mad at you or what?" Vicki chuckled.
"Yeah and whose fault was that?" I asked sharply, "Why'd you go and tell him I had make out session fantasies with other guys?"
"Well, you told everyone I had losing my virginity dreams about Jack!" Vicki defended herself, "Will looked almost sick because of it!"
"I only did that because you slave traded me for Will with Jack!"
"Oh as if you didn't enjoy it." She retorted.
"I didn't! And even if I did," I stressed the word, "I can't now thanks to you. He's convinced I'm some sort of harlot now."
"It's not like he's never consorted with those before."
"I know that but he wants nothing to do with me now. And I'll just mention again that it's ALL YOU FAULT! I'm gonna get you back for it all so watch your back." I warned.
Vicki smirked, "That's Will's job."
"Yuck, Vicki, I don't want to hear that kind of shit!"
"Vicki!" I called.
"What? I thought you were planning your revenge…"
"I was but Will interrupted me. It seems he's having some problems with the shower." I was holding in my laughter. This was just too good.
"Yeah, I'm not in it." Vicki snorted as she took the lead of the march to the bathroom, "Why didn't you just explain it again to him? You did fine before."
"Not according to Will. He says I'm too confusing. He wants YOU to help him."
She grinned as she opened the door, "Oh I'll help him, right out of his tight fitting…"
There was a long moment of stunned silence before she murmured muzzily, "Oh…they're already off…"
I was leaning against the opposite side of the wall, crowing with laughter. I had to look at her face! Ah revenge was sweet and funny! Who knew? I kept my eyes away from where she was looking but Vicki was getting more than an eyeful of Will Turner, who really had had no trouble whatsoever with understanding a shower, and had been enjoying it in solitude until this interruption. The clear plastic covering hardly did anything, if nothing to preserve Will's honor. Sticking his head out, water cascading from his hair onto his strong shoulders, he wiped soapy suds from his eyes and blinked at Vicki's frozen form in the doorway, one hand still on the door handle.
His expression immediately turned to one of worry, "Victoria? Is something wrong?"
"Ohhhh….I don't think so…"
Will's cheeks suddenly flushed to a rosy hue as he was reminded of the position he was currently in. His eyes darted around nervously, "Did you want something?"
"Let me think about how I'll answer that…"
They stood staring at each other for the longest time, when Will finally cleared his throat softly, "Victoria…I really ought to finish bathing…"
I had one last bellow of laughter before grabbing a hold a Vicki's hand, deciding to end her torment. I smirked from a profile so I wouldn't embarrass Will further, "Sorry Will. Had not IDEA you were still in there. Ta ta!" I pulled Vicki out after me, tugging at her arm as she seemed incapable of moving and we made out way downstairs.
"Thanks." She murmured finally.
I was confused. Her joy sounded genuine. "For what?"
She looked at me incredulously, her eyes wide, "For what? For what! I just saw Will in his birthing suit!"
My brow furrowed, "You're not embarrassed?" I asked, beginning to see my revenge hadn't really been quite evil enough. The diet coke of evil more like, or the C2 of evil, the kind that leaves the ass tasting after taste in your mouth.
"God no! Ecstatic! Bounding with excitement! Blissfully happy! Why the hell would I be embarrassed?"
I grumbled, "You were supposed to be." I admitted.
She shrugged her shoulders blithely, "Well I wasn't. Man," She giggled, "I wish I had known though. I would have brought my camera. Talk about a Kodak moment, eh?" She nudged me in the ribs, knowingly.
I was still pouting that my plan for revenge had gone so terribly ary when she suddenly stopped and hugged me.
"Don't worry. I'll find some way to make it up to you." She gushed with the promise.
That sounded like trouble, "No…no…no really, there's no need to do that. I don't deserve anything." I protested in fear.
"Of course you do, don't be silly." She chided slyly, "Besides what are friends for?" She patted my shoulder, then bounded off.
"Mercy. Let's pray to god that's what friends are for." I trudged solemnly after her.
"Rachel!"
"What is it now?" I looked up from my book, as Vicki's cry wafted in from the other room.
"Jack just spilled Rum on the floor!" She shouted from the kitchen.
I sat up straight, "On our newly cleaned hardwood floor!"
"Jeeze, Jack, you're such a klutz." I heard Vicki mutter.
"Excuse me!" I heard Sparrow exclaim insulted, "Eh, wha' does tha' mean, lass?"
I sighed in exasperation and shook my head sadly, "Never mind. I'll get a towel. Keep him away from the china until I get back, Vicki."
"Will do!" Vicki hollered back, still berating the Captain for his sins against floor polished oak wood.
I was in way over my head, I mused ruefully as I made my way to the bathroom to get the much needed towel. I had two pirates, one of which was very mad at me, stuck in my house, a floor that was getting wrecked, a fast disappearing liquor cabinet, a friend who just wanted to take trips to the closet to Shagsville, and a corpse rodent like monkey on my hands. How was I ever gonna deal?
I stepped into the bathroom and stalled right inside the door.
It was occupied and by the dirty and vulgar sea chanty he was bawling in his throaty voice, I knew exactly who it was.
My mind grasped out for possibilities. But…but it didn't make any sense! I had just heard him in the kitchen with Will and Vicki! Were there two of him now? Mmmn two…(no, no bad thoughts, don'ta thinka the bada thoughts.)
At the time I didn't know but Will as it turns out does a mean Jack Sparrow impersonation that's spot on. And I had fallen for it.
"Oy, I'm feelin' a bit of a draft abou' me lower regions, lass." A grumble startled me, "Stayin' in or goin' ou'?"
I had no idea he knew I was in there, but now that I knew HE knew I was outta there!
Or I would've been if Vicki and Will hadn't shut the door in my face, with wild laughter and locked it from the outside.
"Hmmph…" Jack murmured from behind the curtain, "Stayin' in, I'd imagine."
I stared at the door in shock a second before throwing my whole body weight against it.
"Oh Jesus Bloody Christ, child." Jack muttered, "Give it a rest."
But I was livid, I was unhinged. I was in a room with a NAKED Jack Sparrow and I couldn't get out!
"Open the door, Vicki, I mean it! Right now! Do you hear me? Right NOW! Will, you…you…you EUNUCH BLACKSMITH DONKEY PETTER, unlock this door this instant! I demand it!"
The water shut off behind me, I was desperate now.
"Please don't do this to me, you guys! Please, please just spare me this, okay? I promise I won't accuse you of banging each other ever again…please!"
The curtain pulled back on the rod around the tub, and Sparrow stepped out. There was a big fluffy pink towel hanging on the door. Breaking the speed limit, I snatched it off the hook on which it hung and flung it over my shoulder without even risking a glance backwards.
"I'm begging now, please open the goddamn door!" I cried, frantically pawing at the handle.
"Make her into a woman, Jack!" Vicki teased from the other side.
I lost it.
"You SNEAKY SNAKE IN THE GRASS TRAITOR! Let me out! I'll rip you apart; I'll tape ya back together! Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!"
"Alrigh' lass, enough." Jack grunted, seizing me around the middle and spinning me around, until I was pressed against the door.
There could not have been an odder sight. He was there in front of me in his usual mind numbing glory with a ridiculously hot pink towel wrapped snuggly around his waist. Good god, he had more tattoos. Well, I couldn't say I was surprised…but lord, that man knew exactly where to put them to tease the gaze. I found my eyes dipping lower.
Jack chuckled; a dangerous low sound and I realized I had been caught staring.
"See somethin' ye like, lass?"
If I were Sands I would have pulled out a big ass sniper pistol and shot him and said, 'No' in a sexy death like whisper. But I'm not Sands so I did what I would usually do in any situation like this. I averted my eyes. The failing vent in the corner, the paint crumbling from the ceiling, anything to look at other than what was directly in front of me.
The manic laughter behind the door had quieted and I had a horrible feeling that both Vicki and Will had their ears pressed closely to the wood to hear whatever unmentionable things they thought would take place.
"Jack…" I began bracingly, coughing nervously, "we're locked in."
"Yes, I'm very aware o' tha'…"
My eyes napped to him angrily having at the moment forgotten my modestly.
"Well?" I asked furiously, "What are you gonna do about it?"
"Yeh expect me ta do somethin' abou' it? Wha' did ye 'ave in mind, lass?"
"Oh I don't know, maybe getting us out for starters. Does that sound too crazy?"
"Not'all, lass…but then I've no imminent wish or desire ta leave me current surroundin's. I'm quite enjoyin' myself, actually."
"Of course you are," I replied snidely, "This is your favorite kind of predicament, isn't it?"
"An' wha' is tha' supposed ta mean?" He asked darkly.
"Oh come on! You're saying a pair of legs and a skirt trapped in a room with you scantily clad, ISN'T your idea of a good time?"
"I migh' as well ask ye the same…"
"It's not on my top ten!" I fought back.
He scoffed, "Unless it's with tha' Vegetable Bean man."
"No! Not even then, Jack. And that's not fair; I've never even KISSED another guy, let alone been in a bathroom alone with one!"
"But you were in a JC Penny's dressing room with one in your dreams!" Vicki supplied from behind the door.
"SHUT UP!" I shouted back, rounding on the wood and the people on the other side, "I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE!"
"Well than get to it, lass. Yer takin' so long I'm beginin' ta dry." Jack commented, leaning heavily against the sink.
"My POINT," I said returning my attention to him, "is that YOU'RE the one who goes through women like rum through veins. YOU'RE the one who's been, to excuse the expression, fucking around, not ME! And yet there you stand like the King of Sheba accusing me of being unfaithful! Here, to make it simple, I should just ask: How many women have you slept with since we left? Five? Ten? Hell, why not twenty or thirty? Huh?"
Jack's smile had slowly melted into a thin, stern line, and he had gone intensely still. His muscles seemed pulled taunt, as if he was holding his temper in close check. His silence merely proved my theory one hundred percent. But even though I had been expecting it, I wasn't prepared for how disappointed I felt at the news my suspicions were accurate.
"So…since neither of us wants to be locked in a lavatory with someone who cheats…I suggest you do something about it and get us out."
Jack's eyes shut for a brief moment, as if slowly counting to ten before he lost patience with me, and then he opened them.
"Ye want me ta do somethin' abou' it?"
"YES!" Finally, he was getting it. I paused, "So um…whatya gonna do?"
"Nothin'." He replied calmly.
"Nothing." I repeated dumbly, how was that gonna help.
He nodded, "Nothin'…"
I turned from him deflated. Great we'd be here forever.
"…Oh, an' this." I barely had time to turn around when he sprang from the sink and grabbed me.
Now, I don't see how kissing the strength out of my knees so that I buckled under the pressure could have possibly helped us escape but…it sure felt good.
But I didn't want to kiss him now, goddamnit…I was mad! Because he wasn't even going to deny the fact that he'd been with other women, wasn't even going to try! And he thought snogging the breath from my lungs was going to make it all okay? If that was the case he had another thing coming! But for someone who was so adamant about not being kissed now, I sure wasn't putting up much of a fight, a fact that just made me angrier.
Sparrow had wrapped both arms around me, his calloused hands splaying across the small of my back and between my shoulder blades. My fingers dug into his upper arms in either an effort to push myself away or to press him closer. I managed to pull myself together in the nick of time and tore my mouth from his.
No, I was going to fight, damnit!
"Don't think just by kissing me you can get away with flirting with other women, Jack. I mean it, just because I like you doesn't mean I don't have morals…I'm not taking this from you…I'm not one of your stupid bimbos…"
With a rumbling growl that seemed to vibrate my every nerve, he removed his hands from my back and placed them heavily on my hips, ramming me the remaining minuscule inches into the door.
"Jesus, Jack…" I began but my mouth glued itself when he began trailing harsh kisses down my neck. If he kept going in this rough and tumble way that towel didn't stand a chance.
"Jack…" My voice shook, hell my whole body was shaking! "Watch the towel…" I tried in vain, "It's gonna fall in a second…"
His head still buried in my neck, he uttered deeply, in a tone that suggested I stay quiet for my own good, "Let me worry abou' tha', an' ye lass…worry abou' stayin conscious."
"Wh…what d-d-do you mean?" The tremor was more pronounced than ever now.
I could literally feel the wicked smile he imprinted on my neck as he murmured, "I…am goin' ta kiss ye until yeh faint…or until ye come ta yer senses an' stop arguin' with me."
The age old battle.
"I won't faint." I tried bravely in an attempt to prove strength I didn't have at the moment.
"Yes, ye will…" He assured me softly, the kisses making their way up again.
Now that just irritated me. Who was he to tell me what I would and wouldn't do?
"No. I. Won't." I declared with more force and conviction this time around.
He chuckled, a sound that sent me trembling against the wood, "Believe me, lass…ye will."
His teeth closed around my earlobe and tugged gently.
Christ.
Christ.
Christ.
'Christ!" I whimpered mentally, 'Please, don't let Vicki and Will still be on the other side of this door.'
Another sharp tug and black began to tumble into my eyesight. It lasted for only a brief moment but in that time I panicked at the thought that he might have actually made me pass out. How embarrassing would that have been?
Sparrow seemed to know exactly what had transpired and pulled back, smiling in triumph, "See…wha' did I tell ye, lass?"
Stupid Wise Ass.
I wanted to say something crude but I had the feeling Jack would take it entirely the wrong way…a way that would prove disastrous for me, so I kept my mouth shut.
"I knew I 'adn't lost me touch…" He remarked jovially pulling back completely. "Now, do yeh mind movin' ou' of me way, lass? Yer blockin' the door."
My mind suddenly screeched to a stop. What?
"What!" I gasped in shock.
"The door…yer blockin' it."
"But…" Had I just missed a step? Hadn't he just been kissing me?
"But wha'?...Oh the kiss?"
Uh kiss? Just a kiss? I tugged up my sweater which he had somehow (without my knowledge) slipped from my shoulders. The man had come THIS close to…well, he'd come close to it, whatever it was. I nodded my head.
"Wha' abou' it?"
He was being evasive on purpose and I was losing my cool, what little left I still had after that.
"Why did you kiss me?"
And then he bared it…NO not in that way! Pervs! He bared that predatory, stomach lurching smile.
"Jus' tryin' ta make a point, lass." He replied throwing my earlier words to Vicki back in my face.
I opened my mouth to retort with something biting but…I didn't. I couldn't think of words strong enough to express my humiliation. He was just going to dangle the possibility of his having feelings for me, and then was just going to wave it off like it was no big deal, as if it hadn't mattered in the first place. And I knew this was payback. Payback for liking other guys before I knew him as a person, instead of just a charismatic face on the screen. And he was never going to let me live it down.
I really couldn't stand him.
Arrogant Bastard.
While I had been inwardly fuming, Jack rapped swiftly on the door.
"Alrigh' now yeh two, we're done. I don't fancy havin' ta blast through this door ta extract myself from its confines, so do us all a favor an' let us out."
With a click that signaled freedom the door was unlocked, and it swung open to show Vicki and Will wearing the Known and Dreaded Siamese Twin Cat Grins.
"Bloody hilarious, mates." Jack remarked to them, "Incredibly original. 'owever did ye think o' lockin' us in a bathroom together? Amazin', it's not like it 'asn't been done before."
"We thought if you two just had some time to yourselves you could work this out…" Vicki began.
"I understand, lass." Jack stopped her with a raised hand, "No need ta explain. It's not the first time nor will it be the last tha' I've 'ad a wench get 'er mates ta lock us in a room to get into me britches."
I made up my mind then. Jack had just crossed the line. If he wasn't going to play nice, then neither was I. Jack should have been more careful because what they say is true in every regard, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'
Well call me a woman scorned. I wasn't going to put up with this bullshit anymore. Jack had just played his check, it was my turn.
As Sparrow made to walk out, I grabbed an end of the pink towel and pulled…hard. Doing so, I covered my eyes with my free hand, the one that wasn't holding aloft the towel, but nothing could cover my grin.
Checkmate. I win.
Payback's a bitch named Rachel.
"HOLY GOD!" I heard Vicki cackle as she laughed with machine gun bursts of exclamations.
"Jack, would you be so kind as to re-clothe yourself? I would like to remove my hand from Victoria's eyes." Will chuckled.
The towel was ripped from my grasp and I stifled a giggle. I heard what I thought to be Jack furiously wrapping the towel around his middle again.
And then he grabbed my arm sharply and he pulled close enough for me to feel his breath play around my neck.
"Ye…" He murmured in a deadly calm voice, "will regret tha'." His grip lessened as his hand trailed down my arm. "I give ye my word."
I opened my eyes, "The word of a pirate? Oh, I'm shaking in my boots." I replied dryly, pushing past him.
He grabbed the crook of my elbow, pulling me back. I looked down at it in amusement.
"Come on, Will. I wanna see!" Vicki protested, trying to pry his hands away from her eyes.
"No, Victoria. It's for your own good and their privacy." He retorted, struggling to keep a good hold on her.
Meanwhile back at the ranch with Jack:
"My word, lass. Ye will regret it, I can assure ye…deeply because I always keep me word. An' I shall take the utmost pleasure in keepin' this one, I promise ye."
"Get dressed, Sparrow. You're dripping water on my floor."
Jack's mouth curled into an unnerving, carnivorous grin and he strode from the hall leaving me with Vicki, who was berating Will for watching the scene when she couldn't.
Draco's Dad song is a bunch of lyrics I made up to Stacey's Mom, when I was in like freshman year...