Chapter One-

Desires

The world outside was as it has always been, and the people I knew were still the same. By now Charlie had gotten up rather reluctantly, floorboards creaking under his protesting weight, for an early morning shower. He'd always known that the only way he'd ever make it out of the house was if he took that extra effort to shower, turning the cold water up on high as he was about to finish as an extra wake up call. He'd then proceed to dress with an unconcerned slowness, not bothering to care what he put on so long as it matched up with the weather and the appropriateness of his job. This uninteresting and rather simple way of life would follow him as he took sips of his coffee (black because to add any cream or sugar would prove him less than tough,) into his relaxed job, and then whistling on home in the evenings. And when he got a call from his daughter after dinner he had absolutely no idea that the voice behind the phone was anything less than what he'd expect out of his simplicity.

For the voice on the phone was not his daughter, but rather her sister in law Alice. His actual daughter was sitting stock still in bed, trying to listen to the nonexistent motion in her body, having recovered from finally being added to a family of vampires. But Charlie didn't know that.

"Hey Bells. Everything okay in Alaska? Didn't get eaten by any polar bears?"

"Very funny Dad. It's actually alright up here. Cold's not so bad, I mean after getting use to Forks this is a piece of cake. How are you doing?"

"I can survive Bella; I've been doing it for a while now. You just focus on your studies. And ah, I know we talked about this before the wedding but ah, I'm not looking to be a Granddad too soon so ah…"

"Yeah yeah, of course, I mean, Edward and I… uh, we're not, yeah." Had Charlie possessed an incredible and almost impossible sense of hearing he might have caught Alice trying so hard to control her laughter and Edward's hissing for Alice to shut up and get on with it.

"Listen Dad, I've got a really big exam to study for, but I'll call you tomorrow alright?"

"Alrighty Bells. Don't forget to get some sleep. All the studying you do can't be healthy."

"'Night Dad."

"Night Bella"

Alice hung up the phone looking bittersweet. With a sad smile she turned to Edward, who stood there frowning at the phone with a far off look on his face.

"Any change?" They both knew what she was referring to.

Edward sighed angrily and ran a hand through his hair, tousling his already messy hair.

"No." he sounded resentful and he looked even worse.

"Well, look at it like this. You might just end up spoon-feeding her like a human, so it might not be so different." Edward snarled at her and stalked away.

Alice skipped away to another part of the house, and I made sure to shut the door from which I was peering out of as silently as possible.

When you're human, you take certain things for granted. You never really take the time to notice the rough fluidity to the ebb and flow of everything inside of you. To feel a tingle in every vein of your body that lets you know you're alive.

You should take that time. Because when you're dead, it's startling how very still and empty your body can be.

There's no sound; no sense of living. Brings new meaning to silent as the grave.

"Bella?"

I continued to sit there, the blanket snagged around my waist, afraid to look at him. His voice brought a rush of something so warm I took in an unnecessary breath. And because of it, I couldn't look at him.

What would I do if it all wasn't the same? Edward had always been beautiful to me, and a selfish part of me wanted that to stay, that I might never look upon him and see him as normal.

"Bella?" I closed my eyes, and slowly turned to him, afraid it would all disappear.

"Are you alright?" He asked, brows furrowed with worry.

I let out a choked sob and launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck. I planted kisses all over his face and laughed and laughed and didn't let go. His arms came around me, and as so many times before, the world began to tilt.

Only this time, it came rushing for us with a loud bang and a grunt from Edward.

I looked up at the bed from our place on the carpet and laughed harder. Edward peered at me warily

"Bella, are you sure you're alright?" There was a slight edge to his voice as I chuckled. Frankenstein gone wrong.

I slid my hands from his neck, down his chest, up over his broad shoulders and through his wonderfully messy hair. The contrast in texture from the fabric of his shirt to his soft hair made me shiver. I pressed my body down into his and sighed as my arms slowly found their way back around his neck. Something achingly deep and clutching consuming filled me as his arms came around me. And it was so warm here.

Resting there, I smiled and let out a chuckle. Edward traced his hands down my sides and lifted me up to look into his eyes. I leaned down and cupped his wonderful face in my hands.

"I love you, Edward." And I sealed it with a kiss.

He was just as beautiful as the day I first met him.

Eventually, the real world set in. And little by little a slow thirst began to seep into every pore of my body, until all I could think about was blood. It was more than bloodlust. It was bloodobsession.

I tired to ignore it, tried to pretend it didn't exist. I even refused to leave the House the Cullens had here in Denali. But it was no use. I curled deeper into a ball on Edward's bed and let the misery take me. My lips felt as though they might chap off and my throat was so parched.

I rolled over and buried my face into a pillow. A need so hot and heady filled me and I sank my teeth into the pillow. It would feel so good to go out and sink my teeth into something much more hot and satisfying, and it made me sick.

It was terrifying, the fantasies I'd been having lately. I thanked whatever lucky stars I possessed for Edward not being able to read my mind (probably making up for all the bad luck.)

And I continued to burn.

Letting out a muffled shout of frustration, I gripped the pillow hard. Sucking in air, I held my breath, trying to hold everything in. I held still and held on and on and on, digging my nails into my palms. It made me feel a little better.

"What's going to happen to her Carlisle?" Edward's voice sounded as though he was in the very next room, but I knew he and the other boys had gone out hunting.

Carlisle sighed.

"This can't go on."

Edward was hesitating at the front door of the house. I could practically feel him standing there outside in the snow. He'd been standing there for a while now, why I could only guess. But I had a queasy feeling about his hesitation.

Slowly, I sat up in bed and let the covers pool around my legs. As I listened to Edward's slow progress through the house, I cast my eyes around the ivory and golden room. I had the feeling my hair was a mess, and I wasn't too sure I wanted him to see me as I was.

My refusal to go hunting had affected Edward more so than it affected me. He'd barely stepped foot into the room after I had flatly refused to drink any blood. He would never say so in front of me, but I knew how guilty he felt. Edward thought I resented him turning me into what I now am, thought I regretted it. I knew exactly what I had asked for and there was no regret whatsoever, but no matter my protests he still never really believed me.

He was standing outside the door now, still as could be.

"Just come in Edward." I murmured and ran my hands through my hair, attempting feebly to smooth out a few tangles.

The door opened halfway and Edward stood there with an empty look on his face. I almost didn't catch the apprehension around his mouth.

I frowned at him and tired to peer around the other half of the door when the smell hit me.

It wasn't so much the scent that straightened my back and twisted my face into something hungry and almost animalistic. It was the sensation of what it might feel like, an appetizer of taste and sensation and fulfillment. That sensation flooded my body with something warm and almost sensual, sending a whimper past my lips.

Edward pushed open the door wider to expose a bowl of blood in his right hand.

"Just what," I growled at him. "Do you think you're doing?"

He stayed standing at the door, tense but determined. "You need to drink Bella; this abstinence has gone on long enough." He spoke slowly as he entered the room, stopping halfway to the bed.

My hands clenched the sheets tightly and I took an unsteady breath. That smell was spreading through the room with all the attractiveness of a good perfume and the potency of thousands of pennies. Before I knew it I was standing in front of him, gaze focused on the bowl in his hand.

That deep redness began to get closer and closer, until clouded my vision with its deceptive stillness. My lips parted and I drew in that scent through them, as though drinking it down already.

Reaching for the bowl I steadied it in his hand. The contents sloshed slightly and almost hysterically my mind brought forth a memory of my mother's terrible tomato soup she'd attempt to make every time I'd get sick. I'd always drink it, grimacing with every "This is exactly what I needed mom" and "I'll be better in no time."

Only, this was Edward, and he sure wasn't giving me tomato soup. As my lips touched the cold edge of porcelain a terrible nausea roiled through my stomach and into my head.

I jerked back violently and knocked the bowl out of his hand, spilling its dark contents over his arm and across the floor.

Blood spattered on the carpet, pooling and seeping down into the floorboards below. I stared at that blood, imagining it coating my tongue like ice cream. My knees hit the floor with a painful thunk I barely noticed, and I leaned closer to that wonderful liquid. I inhaled deeply and moved closer, so close I was only a breath away from the floor. The floor. It was a floor.

I threw myself backward and kept going even when I hit the bed, scrambling backward until I reached the headboard. Edward sighed and climbed up next to me, and even in my state of close hysteria I could appreciate how he moved with an almost catlike but masculine grace.

His face was right in front of mine as he breathed, "It's alright. It's a start. It's alright." He traced his fingers over my cheek, leaving behind a tingly sensation where they grazed. I turned my face into his hand planted a soft kiss on his wrist, right at the spot where the blood I'd spilled was slowly drying.

My lips still on his wrist, I inhaled his scent, something so distinctly calm and male and Edward that I had to close my eyes to take in the headiness of blood mixed in. The combination of scents was like adding spice to cake, and I felt a thick desire that tightened something low in my abdomen.

Slowly, not really thinking, I traced my tongue over his wrist and down his forearm. A moan sounded from somewhere, and it took a minute before I realized the sound was coming from deep in my throat. My lips were sticky with blood lipstick and Edward was staring at me with a smoldering look that turned his gold eyes amber.

He moved forward and pressed me down into the bed, cupping my cheeks and moving his hands to tangle in my hair. Staring down at me he moved over me, enough so that I felt every inch of him and enough that I didn't hold the full weight of him. Something roiled and rioted within me, parrying with my bloodlust and almost winning, causing me to press my pelvis into his. Desire won out, and I turned my face to the forearm covered in blood and pressed my lips there, slowly parting them and giving a slow lick over his bloodied skin.

"Oh, God." He whispered hoarsely. His lips brushed mine and his tongue moved over my lips. I sighed against his mouth and parted my lips for him, tracing my hands down his back.

Edward ran his hands down from where they had been tangled in my hair to my shoulders and downward. His hands had a wonderful unconscious habit of wandering whenever I had him befuddled enough, as I happened to have him at that moment. They ran almost teasingly over the sides of my breasts and down to the edge of my sweater, where one played with the waistband of my jeans and another traveled down to smooth over my inner thigh.

A pleasurable tension began to gather somewhere halfway between his hands, and I broke our kiss for some relief only to find more need. His lips kept themselves busy with my neck and the hand teasing my waistband began to move over my stomach and up to trace the edges of my bra, sending a pulse between my thighs.

"Edward-" He cut me off with a thorough kiss that left me gasping as he went to his knees. Slowly, he pushed the edge of my sweater upwards, exposing my bare stomach to the cool air. His mouth moved over the edge of my waistband and suddenly the air didn't feel so cold. He moved up, over the traces of blood his sleeve had made, and over my bra, kissing over the exposed parts of my breast. One of his hands stroked over my thigh and moved inwards and up and pressed right there.

"Edward," I gasped, "Edward let's try again."

He looked up from the valley between my breasts with an adorably confused look, so out of place with his positively burning eyes.

"But you didn't enjoy it last time."

"Just," I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped the sheets. "Let's just try again, okay?"

Edward frowned in disapproval at me and sighed. He rolled to my right, lying on his back.

"You're trying to substitute one need for another, Bella." He ran his hands through his hair and let out a gusty breath. "Not that I disapprove of your methods, but you need to hunt. It's not simply a matter of satisfying the blood lust, but like any other being, you're body needs nourishment."

"Couldn't I just eat my vegetables?"

Edward chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, placing soft kisses over my neck. He pulled my shirt back down, keeping one hand under it and tracing his fingers over my stomach.

I watched his fingers move in nonsensical patterns on my stomach, the occasional buttery kiss leaving tingles along my neck.

"I don't regret it, you know." I murmured into the silence. His fingers paused and then proceeded to draw a figure eight around my belly button. I shivered and rolled onto my side, facing him. "I'm serious. I don't regret becoming your wife, joining your family," I ran my fingers down his cheek. "Or even leaving Jacob. And everything else that comes with being human. All of it. I don't regret it, so you shouldn't either."

I scooted closer and touched my lips to his. He traced a finger down the bridge of my nose and smiled a self deprecating smile.

"Bella, I love that you'll be with me always, but a part of me regrets infecting you, and I don't think that will ever change."

I brushed some fringe out of his eyes and offered a soft smile in return. "That's okay. Just as long as you know, it's my party and only I can cry if I want to. And I don't."

We continued to lay on the bed, still touching in silence.

"Edward?"

"Mmn?"

"What did Carlisle say when you were talking about me?" I played with a piece of his hair as he pursed his lips.

"Simply," he began slowly. This wouldn't be good. "That we might seek help for you in other places. Other vampires."

I frowned at him, vaguely suspicious. "Like, someone from Tanya's group?"

He shrugged. "A bit farther out."

"What? Someone who lives in Antarctica?" He frowned at me. "You're serious? That's crazy-"

Edward made a disgusted noise at the back of his throat. "No, not Antarctica. I was thinking somewhere a little closer to home for Carlisle."

"Europe?"

"Precisely. What better way is there to find out about yourself than to go to your roots?"

"So we're going all the way to Europe so I can gain some self control? This is ridiculous. We shouldn't have to bother."

"But apparently we do. Until you decide to try to exist..." He laid his palm flat on my stomach, just feeling my skin.

"Even if going there helps me, how will you keep me from killing everyone on the plane?"

"We'll put you in baggage." I glared at him as he chuckled at me. "Don't be silly Bella, you're not going just yet. Until you learn some control they're coming here to help you. Carlisle feels they might provide you with the proper support we seem to be unable to give you." He said the last part sadly and I immediately felt guilty. It was ridiculous that they had to go and call in a specialist like some intervention when I could stop all of this just by going out and hunting.

A part of me recoiled at the thought and another rose up to meet it eagerly, hungrily.

"If I hunt, If I accept the hunting, will you call off this whole fang intervention?" Edward studied me for a second.

"Alright. But you have to hunt, and you have to stick with it."

My stomach churned. "Okay." And I was sure that came out squeaky.

Author's Note: Thank you so much to all those who reviewed and who continue to review. You all truly are an inspiration and I couldn't ask for a better audience.

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Circus