Author's note – Part's of this chapter are not intended to upset anyone it's just a story line based on a sad story I read in the paper a few months ago. I hope I've dealt with the subject matter cautiously enough not to offend.
Chapter four - 'Watch out for another escape attempt!'
"Sirius I think he's waking up again." Hermione called from sitting by Harry to Sirius, who had finally agreed to have a shave in the sink. Wiping the last of the soap off his face he came over to sit on Harry's other side.
"Harry are you awake?" He asked gently pushing the hair back out of Harry's eyes and reaching for the glass of water on the side.
"No, I'm asleep Sirius." Harry mumbled opening his eyes and rubbing them with his still bandaged arm then seeing he couldn't swapped them over to lay the saw one back by his side.
"Hear drink some water, it'll stop you from feeling too groggy." Sirius explained helping Harry sit up and then passed him the glass for Harry to sip as he looked around at the tangled bed sheets and dingy dark appearance of Sirius's room.
"What happened to me?" Harry asked rubbing his other eye now not bothering with his glasses.
"Don't you remember, you had another accident and passed out in Lupin's room?" Hermione explained before Sirius could think of what would be best to say.
"I wanted to be sick and couldn't find the bathroom.' Harry mumbled taking another sip of water.
'I fell through the door somewhere and heard a load of shouting and next thing I was being sick on someone." Harry finished starting to feel embarrassed by the thought of puking over somebody he didn't know.
"That was me Harry and don't worry about it." Sirius explained seeing the colour come to Harry's face again and not in a good way.
"He smells like wet dog anyway and at least it wasn't Ron again, he really doesn't like it that much." Hermione explained smiling at Harry.
"Why does he always come and help me then?" Harry asked glad to be talking about his friend rather than being sick.
"Coz he's your friend Harry. He gets over it eventually, anyway do you fancy something to eat?" Hermione asked giving Sirius a warning look of not to take the topic of conversation too far from the basic pleasantries at the moment.
"Not now, maybe later when my head stops spinning. Where's Ron and Ginny?" Harry asked imaging the sight of his friends and warming slightly in his empty stomach.
"Downstairs with 'the mother'. She's a bit touchy at the minuet and it's really rather annoying. But Lupin wants to see that you're ok Harry." She finished casually dropping Lupin's name in without the self control or subtly that Sirius could ever manage in a million years.
"Won't he still be a werewolf it's dark outside?" Harry asked totally unaware of how this sounded to Sirius who finally found his voice in Harry's innocence.
"No it's the middle of the afternoon Harry." Sirius asked following Harry's gaze to the gap in the curtain.
"But it's so dark outside. It's July isn't it?" Harry asked suddenly wondering how long he'd been asleep.
"No Harry it's August and the weather seems to be going a bit nuts at the minuet. It's raining like cats and dogs out there at the moment, Tonks looked like a drowned rat when she came in earlier to see you." Hermione explained still able to keep her voice totally inconspicuous unlike Sirius who tried to speak but couldn't.
"Oh ok. Well I suppose it must be now, just let me put my jumper on its cold." He finished looking blankly at his knees for a moment as Sirius got up to hand him his jumper.
Finally after tangling the thought around for what seemed ages as Harry pulled his jumper over his head as he tried to find the arm wholes with a bit of help from Hermione, Sirius however resolved to ask a totally loaded question.
"Are you sure you want to see him, it can wait you know if you'd rather not?" Sirius asked seeing Harry's puzzled look and the equivalent of a kick in the skin from Hermione.
He quickly left after that not having a reply from Harry to go find Lupin who had given up packing after Sirius hit him over the head with his case shouting
"I don't care if you feel terrible about it, I can't look after Harry by myself with that wretched women hanging around all the time! Now empty you stuff on the floor like a normal person and help me!" He bellowed and whacked his friend so hard over the head it was a surprise to Lupin that he didn't pass out.
"What's the matter with Lupin?" Harry asked oblivious to Lupin's shameful despair out in the corridor.
"Oh Harry, when Sirius found you, you'd fallen in on Lupin as he was changing. You know, into a werewolf and well the smell of your fresh blood sort of, set him off a bit. And Sirius had to literally drag him off you. But he didn't bite you mind, he was licking at the cut on your arm and Sirius doesn't seem to care too much, it was only an accident he just wants to see your ok but he feels terrible about it all. You're not worried about him are you? It's not wrong to be frightened you know. But Remus is fine, he's more upset about what he could have done rather than what he nearly did." She asked attentively seeing Harry's pale face get slightly paler.
"No I'm not, but don't leave me will you?" He asked suddenly grabbing Hermione's arm tightly coming across so hypocritical that he couldn't even tell.
"No of course not, but Lupin feels terrible about it so, well, he couldn't help himself and he's scared of what might happen another time. Do you understand Harry? He's perfectly fine, he's just a bit disappointed in himself for being what he is. Which is stupid really, I mean he can't do anything about and you'd think by now he would be used to the idea of it all?" She asked now slightly worried by the tight grip Harry's fingers were capable of however thin they were.
"No I'm not frightened of him.' Harry blurted out although it was clear by his face he obviously was, even if he wasn't going to admit it.
'I'll tell him I'm not, I don't want him to leave, Sirius would get so lonely by himself. He likes having Lupin around and however annoying Sirius is, I don't think Lupin would want to go somewhere else. He said he didn't have anywhere to go before." Harry finished twisting his bed sheets now Hermione had wriggled her arm free from him.
"Your right I don't think he does want to go." Hermione decided pleased that Harry was at least capable of feeling sensibly for others although not himself.
"See Remus, he wants you to stay as well." Sirius whispered from behind the door where Lupin was flatly refusing to go in.
"I suppose, but he looks so nervous."
"He's just tired Remus." Sirius hissed back a little annoyed by his friends insecurities. He'd forgotten just how bad Lupin was when it came to his werewolf side. Honestly the things James and Sirius had be forced to do to give Remus the confidence to talk to girls was as almost as unbelievable of Sirius forgetting about it until now!
"And I don't really want to go and you would be lonely without me, wouldn't you Sirius?" Lupin replied smiling a little now he thought he might be able to stay.
"Of course I'd be lonely without you. I'd go mad in here without you to annoy, that's what I've been trying to tell you, you idiot, now stop being such a nitwit and get in there and say hello nicely." Sirius pushed the door open with one hand and gave Lupin a hefty shove with the other hand.
"Harry, how are you feeling?" Lupin asked trying to cover his clear uncomfortable feelings at being in a room with both Harry and Sirius who was determined to see both the people he cared about return to a perfect state of health weather Lupin wanted to or not.
"Lousy. How about you?" Harry asked thinking he should be polite if he is to convince himself and Lupin it was ok to be around him.
"Dreadful to be honest." He replied as Sirius gave him another knock in the back of his knee to get him further into the room.
"I'm..?' He started but couldn't bring himself to say what he knew he ought to.
'I didn't mean to barge in on you like that, I just wanted to be sick and Sirius has too many rooms." Harry explained not wanting Lupin to dislike him for whatever reason whoever caused it and Sirius really did have too many rooms and really, all Harry wanted was to be sick in some little hole of a toilet for a bit.
"No Harry, its ok, you weren't well and I should have locked the door better... I didn't want to frighten you like that... I was worried when I saw you lying in a heap but I wasn't in a fit state to help you much."
Lupin mumbled looking away to anything other than Harry laying there yet again on Sirius's bed looking really rather ill. The room stayed in an uncomfortable silence for several minuets but despite Lupin's looks Sirius wasn't going to let him go until Lupin had agreed to stay.
Harry didn't know what to say but seeing Lupin so ashamed, so frightened of himself with claw marks all over his face and no doubt body, made him feel sad and he pitied what other people had made Lupin become, almost as much as he pitted Sirius for what had become of his life.
Sirius looked down to his godson and saw those empty green eyes that had faded so much since the bright giddy ones that had left him in the beginning of the summer. He wanted so much to help him, to take care of him, but he couldn't understand how a simple mugging could cause so much pain and suffering. There was such a change in Harry now, Sirius had half wondered if Harry had been sent to Azkaban rather than his aunt and uncle and that the pain of his own nightmares was driving Harry to such a state of remorse.
He still couldn't believe that Harry would or could hurt himself, cut himself to watch his own blood pour out but the more he looked at his arms when he was sleeping under the pretence of checking how they're healing, the more he realised, Hermione was probably right in her hunch. The angle, the depth, the repeating lines, they all showed signs that Harry had done them himself but still, he was looking desperately for another explanation. He just wanted anything that could explain all these odd things that had happened.
"Harry, Dumbledore's coming later, he wants to see you finally. Do you want to have a wash or something before you go down? Might make you fell a little fresher." Hermione finally asked seen as no one else was going to try and break the uncomfortable silence of the room. She had being tutting loudly in her head at how ridicules male pride could be and felt it her duty as a women to show them there was a better way to do things, the female way!
"He is? Oh I thought he'd be busy now for a while." Harry replied feeling suddenly disheartened by the thought of coming face to face, eye to eye with his headmaster, his daemon-headmaster.
"He's been trying to see you for days but things just keep happening." Lupin explained finally realising that Harry wasn't in that bad a state, and Sirius really didn't want him to go and that his odd friend was right, he was stupid to try and leave, he had no money and no-where else he wanted to or could go to. Failing that there was always the added bonus of getting to see Tonks every few days and he could smile naughtily at himself every time he thought about her.
"Oh." Harry added then slid back down in Sirius's bed and pulled the sheets higher up over his shoulders.
"Do you want to go back to sleep now?" Sirius asked still disappointed that he hadn't had chance to spend some quality fun time with Harry yet over the summer, but pleased he's done his work in getting Lupin to stay now.
"Hmm." Harry replied laying his head down sideways and closed his eyes hoping to drift off into sleep or at least pretend to.
"Oh well, leave him to it." Sirius explained slightly bitterly getting up to follow Lupin out into the hallway.
"Harry I know your only pretending. Open your eyes I'm the only one here.' Hermione whispered in Harry's ear as he scrunched his face up tightly but knowing the look that was probably on her face he gave in to sit up properly and opened his eyes.
'Why are you pretending to be asleep?" She asked thoughtfully passing him his glass of water again.
"I wanted to go to sleep. And Sirius was going to make me see Dumbledore and I just want to be left alone." Harry mumbled rubbing his painfully dry eyes.
"Harry, why don't you want to see Dumbledore?" She asked, looking at him warmly hoping he'd get the hint and not get too wound up by important questions.
"Because he's going to make me look at him and fight his way into my head. I won't tell him, I won't, I don't want to think about it. I just want to be left alone by everyone. I'm glad Sirius is trying to look after me, I really am, but I just can't stand the thought of being... being alone with him." Harry finally finished ashamed he had tears pouring from his eyes and splashing shamefully on to his hot cheeks.
Hermione knew better than to comment on Harry's tears, he was ever so proud sometimes so merely handed him a tissue and tried to look at something else. Harry took it and started rubbing at his eyes forcefully to make them stop but they only got redder.
"What are you so afraid of Harry? Sirius is a soft as butter around you, he wouldn't do anything to hurt you. And Dumbledore cares about you, he wants to know what's upsetting you and make you better, that's all. Why don't you just tell him and then he won't have to use Occlumency on you? I know I've never felt what it was like but the whole idea seems horrible." She explained trying not to look at Harry's hot face as he fought the urge to be sick again.
"It is, but I can't tell him, I can't tell anyone. Sirius would go mad if he found out and I don't want to go back to the Dursley's they hate me. Didn't even care that it was nearly dawn when I came in all..." Harry sobbed fresh tears rolling down his cheeks and a heavy lump in his throat. Hermione knew there was supposed to be more to this sentence but also knew that look. Harry wasn't going to explain it, he was too frightened, Hermione had never seen him like this before. She'd seem him battle dementor's and dragons, kill huge snakes and fight Voldermort to near enough win, but she'd never seen him so helplessly frightened that he'd stopped caring about himself Harry could do selfless acts spectacularly well to help someone else but to do it out of fear was insane.
"Sirius is surprisingly docile you know. He wouldn't be angry with you for very long, what ever it is. You can't have done anything that he wouldn't get over eventually. Your all he's got so he'd forgive of you anything, Harry he loves you to pieces, can't you see it?' She explained softly finding it so hard to watch him cry like this on her arm.
'Either way Dumbledore's going to find out. Why don't you go and have a wash like Sirius suggested, it might make you feel a bit better and then we can go see Dumbledore together? Me and Ron won't leave you if you don't want us too. But he has to know, we want you happy little Harry again and there's only him that knows how to help you." She asked stroking the wet mucky hair out of Harry's face for him.
"Maybe. Will you stay in here while I have a wash?" He asked leaning his head onto her hand and rubbing the last of the tears from his face.
"Course. I'll sit here and read a book while you get washed. Erm, are you going to be ok by yourself or do you want Ron to help you with oat?" She asked thinking Ron would be far more useful if Harry slipped in the shower than she would.
"No, you can just sit hear, I won't be long." Harry explained getting up out of bed and staggering over to the chair to his clothes then into Sirius's on-suit bathroom.
Running a large sink of water Harry locked the door and pulled his pajamas off to dunk his head in the cool water and wash his face. It didn't take that long to rub shampoo into his hair and rinse it out although he was slightly shocked at the colour of the water afterwards he'd done this a couple of times.
Every now and then Hermione called through to ask if he was ok as Harry rubbed his head with a towel and started to wash under his arms and chest stopping only every now and then to steady his dizzy head.
"Where's Harry?" Ron wondered coming in to Sirius's bedroom and sitting down next to Hermione on Harry's sweaty twisted sheets.
"He's washing!' Hermione grinned sarcastically nodding over to the bathroom door.
'He really doesn't want to go down to see Dumbledore so watch out for another escape attempt." Hermione explained quietly to a thoughtful Ron.
"Well Dumbledore's coming at about five, so as its nearly four now. Provided Harry doesn't know, we might be able to get him down there for some dinner and keep him until Dumbledore arrives. Then Dumbledore would be able to pin him down, I'm sure." Ron whispered as they heard Harry drain the water out the sink and start getting dressed. He did honestly feel a lot better for being clean and in clean clothes although still groggy and stiff from too much sleep.
"Ok follow my lead and we'll try and get him downstairs in a bit so he doesn't get chance to run off before Dumbledore gets here." Hermione whispered before Harry finally stumbled out the bathroom rubbing his head with a clean towel and flopping on the bed between Ron and Hermione.
"Are you feeling better Harry?" Ron asked as Harry's lopsided wet head appeared from under the towel.
"Hmm." Harry mumbled as Hermione picked up her comb and started to comb Harry's surprisingly thick hair for him.
"I'm glad. You look better now you're clean. Maybe we could play chess later. I promise I'll go easy on ya seen as you haven't been well and all." He asked as Harry turned his head sideways for Hermione.
"Maybe." Harry muttered scratching the back of his hand until it went red again.
"There you go Harry, a nice and clean mop on your head." Hermione smiled putting the comb down. But Harry had a sneaky grin and shook his head from side to side like a dog to get the rest of the water off.
"Arrg! Harry!" Ron shouted throwing his arms up to cover his face until Harry stopped.
"Harry!" Hermione cried out but laughed when she saw Harry's pleased and almost happy face at getting them both wet.
"You did that on purpose! Honestly you're as bad as the Twins sometimes." Ron complained grinning as he wiped wet off his face and seeing Hermione's knowing wink behind Harry.
"Wow they managed to get him down stairs and eating real food?" Sirius asked watching Harry, Ron and Hermione enjoy Harry's favourite (peanut butter and banana sandwiches) in the dinning room while playing chess.
"Well you can never underestimate the power of what friends can do now can you!" Lupin replied moving away from the crack in the wall that they were both spying through.
"Yeah but he looks so different with them!" Sirius asked surprised to see how an hour of his friends company could get him to behave so differently than fifteen hours with Sirius even if he was asleep most the time.
"Well I bet he doesn't know Dumbledore's going to be here soon does he, otherwise he'd be off hiding in his bed again like before?" Lupin explained as Sirius finally moved away from the crack in the door frame.
"I suppose, but why does he want to hide away all the time?" Sirius asked hoping his sensible friend would hold the answers for him.
"Well he knows Dumbledore well enough to know that despite everything else, one way or another he's very good at getting to the bottom of things isn't he!" Lupin explained eyeing Sirius carefully who merely grinned a bit in agreement and then jumped out his skin.
"I think I'll take that as a compliment Remus." Dumbledore decided as he announced his presence suddenly and quietly without either Sirius or Remus noticing him arriving.
"Oh, you're here?" Lupin asked a little taken aback by Dumbledore's sudden arrival.
"Spying on the godson now are we Sirius I see, James would be proud of you!" Dumbledore smiled nodding to the crack in the door Sirius had recently being spying through.
"I just worry about him that's all. He seems fine now with his friends but before, he was totally terrified and then he was ramberling on about his mother needing her sleep because of Amy." Sirius replied slightly exasperated by Harry's problems.
"I know, I heard and I am curious as to why he would name her Amy but I believe we have more concerning matters to deal with tonight. However, rest assured as Remus so kindly put it, one way or another I will get to the bottom of this. However, I hope Harry has the capability to tell me himself, I do hate using Occumency against him, he has such an extraordinary mind in that head of his and I do so hate to have to tamper with it."
Dumbledore explained quietly but firmly before removing his hat and swishing his long cloak into the dinning room to greet Mr and Mrs Weasley graciously as always.
"Where is Harry now?" He asked knowing full well he was in the next room as he pulled out two chairs to face each other by the fire and sat down comfortably in one.
"I'll go and fetch him." Mrs Weasley replied hurrying out the room to fetch a rather reluctant Harry.
"Please stay with me?" Harry suddenly pleaded with Hermione as he grabbed her arm tight again.
"No Harry, I want these two upstairs with Ginny. Dumbledore wants to talk to you and you alone." Mrs Weasley explained flicking her wand so the tray of sandwiches and drinks disappeared that Sirius had provide for them.
"Please stay?" Harry asked again not looking away from Hermione who looked at Ron who merely sighed and nodded.
"Ok Harry I'll stay as long as I can. But Dumbledore might send me away." Hermione explained helping Harry stand up and trying to smile so he'd calm down a bit.
"No Hermione, you will go upstairs with Ronald." Mrs Weasley hissed quietly with her hands firmly on her hips and a look of determined rage on her face.
"No mum! I'll go upstairs with Ginny provided you leave Hermione alone!" Ron hissed back at his mother then taking her by the arm proceeded to half drag her, half lead her out the room and a different way up the stairs by missing Sirius and Dumbledore completely.
"Miss Granger, do you wish to stay?" Dumbledore asked politely and gently as though it was not a problem her being there at all.
"Harry wants me to stay. Is that ok Professor?" She asked hoping beyond everything that the headmaster would let her stay, if only for Harry's sake as he'd finally reluctantly let go of her.
"Of course Miss Granger, please sit down with Arthur." The headmaster smiled gesturing to the empty seat next to Ron's dad and seating himself down in one of the two chairs he'd moved. Lupin and Sirius took two seats opposite them and Harry was the last to sit, only when he received a weak smile for Hermione did he sit staring his eyes firmly to the simmering fire at his left.
"Is there something you want to tell me Harry?" Dumbledore asked in his gentle tone whilst watching Harry's face of pure sorrow try to ignore him.
"No." Harry muttered knowing full well Dumbledore would never give up easily, it was probably pointless to try and answer him.
"I think there is Harry. I believe you want me to know what it is that's upsetting you so I can fix it for you.' Harry didn't reply but tried to keep his eyes on the fire even though he was biting back tears with every bit of strength possible. He didn't mind crying in from of Hermione too much or even in front of Sirius if he really felt like it but to be seen as such a weak child in front of Dumbledore was intolerable for Harry.
'Why have you been avoiding me Harry?" He asked gently as the others looked on in silence.
"I know what you're going to do if I don't tell you." He muttered determined not to look any where but at that lovely hot fire, it burned and glowed safely, it was going to keep him safe if he only looked at it.
"Are you frightened of me Harry?' He finally asked hiding the astonishment from his voice at his own question.
But Harry never replied to this. He couldn't say he wasn't because Dumbledore would know if he lied but he couldn't say he was because then it would be a dreadful thing to admit to.
'You don't like Occumency do you? I know this Harry because you were never very good at it. You like your emotions, they are what you draw on when you find yourself in trouble. To lock them up would, in many ways take away your biggest asset.' Dumbledore commented slowly and firmly keeping his still tone.
'However you're doing it now Harry, you are trying to hide yourself away for some reason and I need to know what it is making you do this."
Dumbledore could only imagine that Voldermort had somehow taken a hold of Harry for his own means and was therefore some-what troubled by the thought of delving into Harry's head unprepared. Harry sensed this and decided to clarify it, it wouldn't give anything away about his secret pain and he knew how important it had been to Dumbledore to keep Voldermort out of Harry's head however little it seemed to have worked.
"It's not him. I think he's using it against me. He doesn't want me seeing things by accident and telling you what he's up to like I could have done before." Harry explained quietly so Sirius who was less than two meters away had to strain his still ears to hear him.
"Is that so? Have you not experienced any nightmares then since your last encounter with Voldermort?" Dumbledore asked and waited and watched for some sign of reaction from Harry by hearing his name but none came, encouraged by the thought that Harry's feeling hadn't changed and he was probably telling the truth. Voldermort hadn't taken a hold of him or if he had he had done it so well there probably wasn't much of Harry left to save anyway.
"Not to do with him, no." Harry muttered still keeping both eyes firmly on the fire.
"I believe you Harry, but I also know you're still having nightmares of some description I've heard about your troubled sleep too often to let it go unattended to.' Dumbledore paused then let his eyes follow Harry's gaze.
'Do you find comfort in the fire Harry?"
"Yes." Harry replied firmly before he'd even thought about it.
"Why is that? Most people would be frightened of something hot and burning like that. Why are you not the same?" Nobody but Hermione understood why Dumbledore would ask such a question but that was because Harry had always being fascinated with fire, he liked flicking his fingers through to feel its warmth and some how this always seemed to calm him.
"It's warm and bright. I can let it consume me when I look at it... so I don't have to look at anything else!" Harry explained calming himself as he did.
"Harry, only you would come up with such an answer as that." Dumbledore explained now totally satisfied that Harry certainly wasn't under Voldermort control as he would never have understood Harry this clearly to imitate him.
"You're going to make me tell you aren't you?" Harry asked finally looking away from the fire and keeping his eyes half closed as he looked at the floor in Dumbledore's general direction.
"Yes, if you don't tell me I will have to extract it myself. But it is not something I want to do I hope you know that Harry." Dumbledore replied firmly set now in what he was going to do, he pulled his wand out and laid it on his lap.
"I won't tell you, you'll have to take it yourself, if you can?" Harry finally replied defiantly lifting his head up a bit but not high enough to meet Dumbledore's gaze. This was Harry all over, when faced with problems he always had room for ignorant defiance over fear. It was the odd Potter way and Sirius was excessively proud of it.
"I'm sorry Harry if this hurts you. Sirius, please refrain from intervening it will only make things worse in long run." Dumbledore lifted up Harry's face with one hand and flicked his wand with the other.
Harry opened his faded green eyes and no sooner had he looked in to those sparkling blue eyes before him did he feel the heat of Dumbledore's mind break into his head.
At first all Harry could see were random flashes from his childhood one barely distinguishing itself from the other until he started to have more recent memories from the past few years some at school some at home and some of Sirius. Harry knew Dumbledore was lingering on certain memories for a reason and pushing himself around but then Harry remembered the fire and forced himself to think solely of that. He imagined the fire he had just looked from as if it was imprinted on the back of his eyelids and watched as the wood cracked and simmered away feeling the heat burning on his face and warming him.
Until suddenly he was cold, the feeling had passed as his eyes blurred to show Dumbledore sitting before him out of breath and although holding Harry in his gaze clearly wasn't attempting to use occumency at that moment.
"Harry, have you been practicing over the summer?" Dumbledore asked as Harry looked away back at the fire shaking his head.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" Harry wondered aloud hoping the dreadful experience was over, although in the pit of his stomach he knew it wasn't.
"No Harry, you're fighting back against me like you would if I was a Dementor." Dumbledore explained sitting up again and taking hold of Harry's chin to lift it back up. It had barely occurred to him that you could fight a occumencerist the same was as you would a Dementor but he wouldn't make that same mistake twice.
"I didn't realise. I didn't want you to do it and tried not to think about anything." Harry mumbled looking up into those blue eyes.
"It is for the best Harry."
Soon he had that peculiar heated feeling of Dumbledore breaking through into his mind and tried his hardest to think about the fire and only about the fire.
It wasn't quiet as successful this time he found himself drifting further and further away from the fire until eventually he heard Dumbledore's voice. Whether the rest of the room could or not, Harry didn't know but he could definitely hear Dumbledore speaking clearly and firmly to him as they passed through each of Harry's memories.
'What are you hiding from me?' He asked taking Harry by surprise and flashing Dumbledore images of Sirius being tortured.
'Yes that would be very frightening to you. Why are you showing me these images Harry, they're private and you know that's not what I'm looking for?'
They passed quickly through many things, some Harry found disturbing such as having being nearly drowned by his cousin when he was eight and some that Dumbledore never truly understood Harry could feel so comfortable with as he was now. Dumbledore could not only see what Harry was showing him, he could feel how Harry felt about each memory if he had long enough to register it.
'Harry you're pushing me around in circles. Why? Show me what frightens you, show me what's happened to you!' Dumbledore demanded as they passed through the same ring of images of Harry laid in his cupboard after being shouted at by his uncle. Then Harry was older still in his cupboard, he was laid out in the freezing snow in Dudley's old jumper shivering and cold. Before finally he was lying out in the rain down the ally with his clothes heaped on him like old rags. Realising what he'd seen Harry pushed himself forward to another memory that he hoped would make Dumbledore frightened and stop for a rest.
'Harry no, let me go back to that other one, let me see how you ended up like that. Let me see. No Harry I don't want to see them die Harry not again, stop this.' Dumbledore demanded but Harry merely pushed the memory harder. There was his farther shouting at his lovely mother.
"Go, take Harry. It's him! For gods sake woman run, take him somewhere safe. Run away Lilly! I'll hold him off long as I can, just get away from him!" James shouted pushing Harry's blankets into his wife's hands.
"No James don't! He'll kill you!" Lilly cried back holding Harry closer to herself and clutching her wand.
"Let me save you. Don't let me watch you die!" He shouted back as the sudden crashing sound of Voldermort breaking through the door echoed eerily through the dark house.
"Stand aside you silly little girl!" Voldermort pushed his head back and laughed as Lilly cowered on the floor holding Harry tightly in her arms away from the monster before them. She had the same defiance in the face of death as Harry did but it was only recently that Dumbledore understood where this came from in Harry.
"I won't. You won't have my baby, you won't! He won't grow up like you, he won't!" She shouted back defiantly covering her baby with her own body.
"No you silly little mudblood he won't grow up at all!" Was the cold harsh reply she got back.
Voldermort laughed as the familiar sound of Harry's mother screaming filled his ears and he heard his own voice shouting for it to stop.
'No Harry it's nearly there I can almost see what you're hiding.' Dumbledore's voice boomed loudly in Harry's head as they moved on with another flash of Harry laid in the rain until he finally relented. Pushing Dumbledore into the dusty dark attic where the shrieks of delight could be heard from Kresher, as he watched from afar as Harry sat by the cold open window, watching greedily as the black knife tore its way down his arm. Harry wasn't crying, he wasn't sad, he was watching intently as the hot blood started to flow and the searing pain passed like ripples through his body.
'Enough! Enough!' Dumbledore boomed pulling his mind out of the tight knots of Harry's head to find himself staggering slightly off his chair and Harry falling completely off sideway to a thud on the floor.
Sirius couldn't help himself he wasn't interfering, he'd promised himself to trust Dumbledore, but Harry was laid in a heap on the cold floor sweating away and he just couldn't help himself. Sirius picked him up and sat him firmly back on the chair before he decided it would be best to sit back down on his own and not interfere with whatever Dumbledore was planning next.
"You have become rather resilient to Occumency. Far more than I must admit I ever imagined you capable of." Dumbledore explained breathlessly holding Harry's face away from the fire.
"If I was you I wouldn't be poking in my head, it's a very odd sort of place." Harry muttered defiance coming back to him even when he was totally terrified and absolutely exhausted.
"On the contrary Harry, you knew that memory of your parents would hurt me as unlike you I have never witnessed it before and to keep me from my goal you showed it willingly. Very wise Harry to use your own weakness as strength. Very wise indeed.'
Dumbledore held tightly on to Harry's face so he couldn't look away and seek comfort in the fire. He was unaware of Sirius's silent grief at how Harry could be so used to seeing his parents die, he had almost become resilient to it. Sirius didn't know exactly how it happened, he hadn't dared imagine it after seeing the state there home was left in but to know Dumbledore had now witnessed it and was rather unnerved by it made him sad that it must be far worse than he could ever had imagined in his darkest nightmares in Azkaban.
'However that last memory was something you didn't show me before.' Harry was forced to gaze up into Dumbledore's eyes as he tried to imagine fire in them but couldn't in the deep pools of water he saw instead.
'You are trying to imagine fire I presume Harry?' He asked understanding more now the emotions Harry was hiding in that memory in the attic.
'Why are you punishing yourself Harry? What could you possibly have done for you to find the need to punish yourself and feel the pleasure of an executioner?' He asked then seeing Harry who had no intention of replying merely continued in his quest.
'I am sorry that you find it necessary to punish yourself with these memories but unless you show me what I need to see, then the sentence will only continue. It cannot end unless you let m help you Harry." Dumbledore explained and flicked his wand again to begin the assault on Harry's mind.
Harry never felt the push of Dumbledore trying to get in, despite the minuets rest he was still far weaker than Dumbledore who was soon pushing through Harry's mind in search of Lupin. Harry knew this, he could feel it so tried to show the first time he ever saw Lupin change in to a werewolf and even through in some memories of him with Sirius fixing Harry's ankle and putting Benzar powder on his leg.
"Why do you keep showing me Sirius, Harry what are you trying to tell me about him?' Dumbledore's voice pondered in Harry's ears as more images of Sirius pushing Harry's hair out his face and looking down warmly on him as he lay in bed passed through.
Dumbledore pushed harder in to the corners of Harry's mind and saw other things relating to Sirius, such as how it pained Harry to see him eat so ravenously the food Harry brought to him in his fourth year and how ragged and tired he looked after Harry had finally escaped the department of mysteries last year.
But finally it came flooding through as Harry relented yet another memory of Lupin, changing in his bedroom to another fully fledged werewolf. This time it was different and Dumbledore could feel Harry's fear as Lupin began shouting for Harry to get away from him and for Sirius to come and help.
"Lupin, Harry what happened?' Sirius's voice bellowed through the memory as he pushed his way into the room and suddenly grabbed Lupin by the neck to pull his face back from Harry's arm.
'Tonks, grab Harry pull him away while I hold him, I can't keep him back much longer!' Sirius shouted hanging on with every thing he could to keep the crazed by blood werewolf-Lupin from getting at what he thought, was his tasty dinner.
Tonks seized Harry by the arm holding her wand firmly at Lupin, dragged Harry away out into the hallway before Sirius came bounding out and sealing the door shut behind him panting away and looking down towards Harry before grabbing him tightly in his arms.
'What is it about this that frightens you? Let me see it again. Harry. No don't fight back, I've seen it once you can hardly stop me now!' Dumbledore whispered clearly in Harry's ear as Harry tried to resist a second play. He pushed his mind towards his mother but Dumbledore cut him off and drove him back to the moment when Sirius came bounding in to the room and seize hold of Lupin.
The memory was different now, Dumbledore was no longer watching flashes of it from afar he was laid down on the floor seeing everything from Harry's lopsided angle. Feeling everything that passed through Harry as he watched Sirius's angry violent face struggle against Lupin's body, his pounding feet dragging him forward to Harry, before the memory flashed again and Dumbledore was looking up as Harry did into Sirius's face. Sweat pouring down and a look of both terror and disappointment on his face as he saw the blood sliding out from under Harry's sleeve and the fear stricken mask on Harry's face. Every ragged line in Sirius's face was showing his thoughts, he thought Harry had been bitten, he thought he'd have a werewolf Harry on his hands this time next month and he was frightened that he wouldn't be able to help Harry though it. However much he tried Remus often proved that Sirius, could not fix a werewolf of his pain.
The memory ended and Dumbledore was pushed back almost as tired as Harry was to the Dursley's dark cupboard under the stairs as Petunia's voice shouted through the locked key hole something about Harry trying to ask for more dinner to eat.
'Harry why are you showing Sirius to me? What is it you want me to see? You want me to see it for a reason, why Harry? Why are you showing me these things, what is it you want me to understand?' Dumbledore gasped as Harry fought back as best he could to keep Dumbledore from seeing him lying in the alleyway in the rain.
'Harry show me! I won't stop until you let me see. I'm so near I can feel your fear Harry, you can't fight back this time you can let me in and it will be better in the long run. Trust me I can help you." Dumbledore asked but Harry held on as long as he could shouting back.
"I don't! I can't! I won't show you!" He bellowed even louder back.
"Yes Harry you can, you know you can trust me!" Dumbledore argued until eventually Harry relented into what he knew must be sobs of tears.
He heard footsteps and shouting as he walked down the alleyway.
"Come hear pretty boy we have something to show you!" Harry just ran for it as the rain started slopping around his feet. But footsteps came quickly after him and were soon too close behind him for him to get away. He reached the railings and slowed to pass through them but heavy dirty hands grabbed his arm and back pulling him through the mucky floor and shoved him up against the fence.
Two pairs of hairy bare arms grabbed at each side as a third pair ran there heavy fists over Harry's chest, his face pushed closely up against Harry so he could smell the stench of garlic and larger on his breath.
'What's the matter boy, don't you like a real man when you see one?' This man was large and dark with black lank hair that hung over his ears and dark sunken eyes from what could easily be two recent black eyes. Harry looked into his face seeing the maddening glint in his grey eyes that meant he wanted something from Harry, even if in his worst nightmares Harry couldn't imagine what it was. He knew that look of power as it grinded its way into Harry's fearful face.
The stench of Gallic choked Harry as he tried to turn his face away. He wriggled and squirmed as his skinny body and clothes hung down off his cold bones. The lead man was laughing and shouting with his friends as the cold rain poured down around him before suddenly turning back to Harry. He gripped Harry's face tightly pushed his lips hard against him pushing his tongue through past Harry's teeth and biting at Harry's bottom lip tearing so blood splattered out into his mouth. Harry tried his best to spit the taste out back in this dark man's face but couldn't. He tried to shout for help but who would come for him, who would help some thug of a boy from St Brutes as three angry drunken men pinned him against the wall and attacked him for a bit of fun.
Harry twisted and turned but the man pushed his mouth up to Harry's again, this time spitting in to him as he pushed his tongue inside Harry to fight his own tongue and suck on Harry's soft young lips.
'Feisty this one isn't he!' He teased as his friends both laughed, the lead pushed both hands tightly around his neck choking Harry as he lifted his feet up from the floor.
'Strip him down boy's I want to see what he's got hiding under here?' Still laughing and holding Harry firmly against the wall, two pairs of hands with a knife ripped at his shirt and pulled it open scratching the flesh and hitting him to keep him still as his legs tried to kick back from lack of oxygen to Harry's brain.
'Well what have we got here, quiet the skinny little thing aren't we! Hmm, just as I like them!' He laughed pushing his rough unshaven face against Harry's chest biting at his arms and shoulders as he pulled him tightly by the waste crotch to crotch.
The two other men cheered and laughed as he pulled Harry closer biting at the bruises already forming around his neck and his ruff large fingers grabbed and pulled at Harry from every angle.
But suddenly the man stopped and Harry didn't dare hope that this man was already fed up of him. No, he seemed too perfect for this man to pass up the chance to play with him properly, so dragged Harry hungrily to the floor. Harry tried to scramble as his bare back landed in the nettles and stung painful on his already scratched back.
Harry was shouting for them to stop but he barely got a syllable out when the mouth was pushed back against him. Feeling his chest crushed as the heavy man pushed his heavy body on top of Harry, using one knee to push his legs open and the other to pin him down. Harry felt the man's trousers bulge at the very thought of what he could so easily do to Harry's slender body.
'Hold his arms down I want a better look at him.' The lead barked as the two other drunken men kneeled beside Harry and pushed there weight down on him, laughing at Harry who tried to fight back hopelessly in an attempt to break free. He kicked and struggled but it was no use with the two men holding him down and the third now pinning Harry's legs with his own, as he fumbled with the belt and buttons on Harry's fly.
'Wow what do we have hear? Arr, am I not good enough for you is that it? Can't get it up under pressure? Let me help you there with that!' He laughed yanking Harry's boxers down and pushing his weight down on top of Harry as he started to bite at the inside of his skinny thigh. Then finding himself nicely aroused decided to take a hold of Harry roughly in his dirty hand squeezing and yanking at him until he could feel Harry's body clench in pain.
After a moment of watching Harry he shoved his spare hand down his own tracksuit bottoms to pleasure himself, madly laughing at Harry as he tried to block out the thought, the pain, the feeling of being taken a hold of like this and used as a play thing for a crazy man's secret desires.
Harry didn't think, he wouldn't think what this is, who this man could be, how he could do this to so many other boys he'd spotted in the past week alone? Harry wasn't thinking about himself, he was thinking about anything else but the only thing he could clearly see was how this wasn't him being groped and beaten on the floor. This was some other poor kid lying in the mud with no hope of a rescue or a friend to frighten them off or even knock him out so he didn't have to witness his own body being touched by another man old enough to be his father.
He hated this thought, this was not his father, Harry's father was a good man, he couldn't even know what to call this horrible feeling Harry felt as he finally gave up struggling, they only hit him harder for it, to keep him still and so scrunched up his eyes. Trying beyond anything, to block out the sight of this man pleasuring himself over Harry's own body.
He even pulled himself out to reveal him-self just in time to make his mess all over Harry's pale chest so Harry could smell the hot liquid as it splashed over him. Moaning loudly as he howled with his friends at Harry laying there before putting himself away again, he leaning over Harry and forcing his eyes open with two dirty wet fingers. With one hand he made Harry look, with the other he pushed his wet hair out of Harry's face almost gently like Harry was some sort of half sleeping baby.
'Don't worry, I only bugger as a birthday treat!' He laughed forcing his mouth over Harry's again to suck and bite at Harry's lips and tongue.
'It's next week by the way, hope I find you again soon!' He laughed jumping up and laughing with his friends as Harry merely laid there in the rain as they jumped over the railings and laughed away down the street. His clothes torn, his body aching and covered in muck, spit and somebody else's pleasured mess covered him, but Harry just laid there in the cold, wet alleyway letting the rain wash away his warmth and the cold suck up his happiness.
'That's enough I think Harry.' Dumbledore whispered pulling out of Harry's mind as he fell limply to the floor crying and sobbing in a heap as Sirius jumped up to help him again.
"Harry please sit up?" Sirius asked pulling Harry up in to a crying sitting heap as he gave up all control of his limbs. Dumbledore however instead of sitting back in his chair knelt down rather easily for a man of his age to face Harry properly and hold him up with Sirius as he cried his eyes out like a little child on the floor.
"What those men did to you Harry, was wrong and not your fault. However ashamed and upset you are by it, you mustn't punish yourself for something other people have done to you." Dumbledore explained slowly and firmly as Harry's eyes poured out his pain and he shock from the cold empty hole in the pit of his stomach. He lost all hope of pride now and had no hope of controlling the wet tears rolling quickly over his face.
"What happened to him?" Sirius finally asked seeing the beads of sweat on Dumbledore's face, his voice shaking slightly as Harry lurched into another round of hysterical sobs on the cold floor.
"Will you let me show him? Help him understand how you see him!" Dumbledore asked in his same calming manner.
Harry nodded slowly in his pouring sorrow but looked fearfully over to Hermione, Lupin and Arthur who sat silently over at the table still totally unaware of what had happened. Dumbledore followed his gaze and understood, Sirius yes, anybody else no.
"Arthur, will you please take Miss Granger upstairs.' Dumbledore asked as politely as possible, they both got up not questioning Dumbledore's orders.
'Remus will you please go outside and explain to the other members of the order that our meeting will be postponed for a little while longer and will they please be patient with me until I am finished." He continued as Sirius tried to help Harry unsuccessfully calm down. Lupin also stood up and left quietly and politely without saying a word, leaving Harry sobbing on the floor and Sirius looking on wondering what he could possibly do to help him. Harry was inconsolable and even his once protective fire was incapable of soothing him now, he just cried and cried and cried and didn't know how to stop.
With a flick of his wand Dumbledore quickly made his pensive appear and filtered through his mind to extract the correct memories. At first Dumbledore was only going to show Sirius Harry's attack but then thought it would be beneficial to Sirius to see how Harry really saw him when he dragged Lupin the werewolf away to save him.