Chapter five - 'You're both his attacker and his protector!'
When Dumbledore had first walked into this old battered house tonight having heard what a state Harry was in. He was totally prepared to find Voldermort peering out from Harry's eyes and attempting to use Harry as he'd feared to destroy him. He had thought through many possibilities each as far from the truth as the next and was forming ways and means he could possibly use to help what was left of Harry as best he could.
Dumbledore didn't know if he was more relieved to find Harry untouched by Voldermort or more shocked to learn the truth about what had happened to him. Dumbledore was sure Harry would never trust another man in the same way again, he'd seen it in his own mind as Harry couldn't help but be reminded of his attacker every time Sirius pushed his hair out his face and tried to take care of him and Dumbledore needed Harry's trust, it was essential Dumbledore was sure for Harry's own protection. Harry had to trust him otherwise Dumbledore had very little hope of keeping him safe.
He had also in recent years become far more fond of Harry than he ought to be, as he felt obliged to help Harry through Sirius who he knew in many ways, he had been far too lenient with because of his fondness for Harry. Dumbledore knew that the only thing that kept Sirius going was Harry and he pitied him for it. He knew to pity Sirius was wrong but just like Remus, some times he just couldn't help himself, he was only human after all.
But now he was beginning to see that this love and devotion Sirius could show to Harry was beginning to be returned just as completely by Harry. Dumbledore had watched their relationship grow steadily and slowly over the years, he was ready to pull the plug at any moment but now, he wondered. Could this open love from Sirius be used to bring Harry back to a stable position with very little interference from Dumbledore? Given the odd knock in the right direction such as the one he was about to give now, Dumbledore became ever more certain that Harry's strength was now so knotted up with his care for Sirius that it would possibly be damaging to Harry to pull them apart for any reason.
"I want to show you two things Sirius, something I believe is important for you to see and not something Harry will ever be able to explain fully to anyone, least of all you." Dumbledore explained empting his thoughts into the pensive and looking fondly down at Harry who was still heaped on the floor and sobbing.
"Ok." Sirius replied looking from Harry to Dumbledore wondering what to do. He didn't want to leave Harry's side but he didn't want to disobey Dumbledore either.
"Help me sit Harry in this chair, I'm sure he doesn't want to watch but he can't sit down there by himself either." Dumbledore explained seizing Harry under one arm as Sirius grabbed the other and sat Harry back on his chair who after a moment instinctively turned to watch the fire as it began to burn down to ashes along with his sobbing.
"What, what are you going to show me?" Sirius asked carefully keeping one eye on Harry and one in Dumbledore's general direction.
"The two things that are currently fighting inside Harry. One of which solely contains you. The other is something I myself must admit I find incredibly disturbing. It's no wonder he's such a state these days if this is what he has to think about.' Dumbledore paused for a moment smiling slightly to him self as he looked at Sirius who could barely take his eyes of Harry for more than a split moment. Such devotion to a child not your own was rarely seen by Dumbledore and he hoped his ingenious brain wasn't going to fail him just yet.
'He will be quiet alright watching the fire for the moment. I would like you to look in to the pensive and watch. I shall remain aside for the moment." Dumbledore gestured to Sirius who, after a second thought plunged his head into the bowl and watched Harry's secrets unfold around him.
"Do you see now why he views you as both as his protector and his attacker all at once?" Dumbledore asked in his gentle manner that could keep almost any situation calm. Sirius who had always struggled with his emotional maturity before he ever went to Azkaban looked from Harry to the bowl and back again breathing heavily as he tried to let it sink in and come to terms with what he'd seen and what he could now see so clearly in Harry. Dumbledore was quiet right, it was no wonder Harry was a wreck
"I think so. He thinks I remind him of that man?' Sirius couldn't bare to bring himself to say it out loud yet but Dumbledore understood him and waited patiently for a few minuets for Sirius to choose his words more carefully than he normally did.
'I can hardly believed anyone could do that, I would never hurt him and certainly never like that, doesn't he trust me?" Sirius finally finished looking to Harry again who wasn't noticing anything at all other than the fire as he swayed lightly trying to rock himself back and forth with the flames.
"I think deep down he does, as he always has, but more to the surface he needs reminding, you heard him yourself claim he doesn't trust me and yet still allowed me to enter his thoughts and see things so private he probably could never bring himself to tell anybody, possibly even his mother if she were still alive.' Dumbledore now looked to Harry himself fascinated by the child clearly before him as he watched the fire burn and simmer almost playfully in his eyes but miserably in the rest of his body.
'It will take some time but I believe Harry is strong enough to take control of his life again, at the moment though he's punishing himself for it. I need you to help him with this, help him to realise that what has happened is not his doing and that other people are to blame for his suffering." Dumbledore looked back to Sirius.
"How?" He asked at a loss now of what he could do. Harry was so sad, so lonely, Sirius wanted to help him but how, when Harry was so clearly reminded by his attacker whenever he looked at him, wouldn't it be better for Sirius to stay away for as long as it took for Harry to cope with the thought of that man. Sirius would do it, if he thought it would be best for Harry he would leave, he'd wonder out of this country forever if it made Harry happy. He'd never come back, he'd never see Hogwarts again he'd never even try and get in contract again if he had too. He'd even go tonight.
"Take him upstairs and look after him. I have to deal with the order tonight but I believe the more you look after him and show him you care the more he will learn to trust people again.'
'Harry has such a loving open manner and seems to blossom under any sort of love. And you do love him Sirius an awful lot!' Dumbledore added as Sirius moved to kneel before Harry again and tried to smile as Harry looked up at him with empty eyes.
'And Sirius. I asked the others to leave because this is Harry's private problem, if he doesn't want to tell anybody about it then that is up to him and not you." Dumbledore warned as the thought of telling anybody appalled Sirius so much he was sure he'd never manage to get it out his mouth in words, but as Dumbledore had asked him not to, he had a ready excuse to keep quiet.
"Should I give him sleeping draft again?" Sirius asked aware he had already reached the limit with Harry.
"No, not unless it's necessary. Dreams however frightening help us to come to terms with things before we have to when were awake, it would be better to put him through a few nightmares in the long run then try and hide him from his self." Dumbledore didn't say anything else after that but watched as Sirius helped Harry up and letting him rest his arm around his shoulder slowly led him to the door. He wasn't calm as such now but he was contained and only sobbed gently under Sirius's arm as he let himself be walked along to the door.
As he opened it Sirius had the horrible fear of Mrs Weasley demanding to know what the matter was with Harry but fortunately Dumbledore had appeared just behind Sirius to sooth the situation.
"Harry! What's the..?" Mrs Weasley shrieked seeing Harry's red eyes, wet cheeks and vacant expression staggering towards her with quiet a lot of help from Sirius.
"Will you please allow Sirius to pass with Harry and then we may begin our meeting." Dumbledore injected firmly making clear he had no time for flustered mothers who take too much care of people's children.
Sirius passed quiet comfortably with Harry and up the stairs at first thinking he should put Harry in his own bed but then deciding he would rather Harry was near him and his own would be more convenient for Ron. He never liked Phineas painting anyway and hoped in future to keep Harry from having to sleep in there with it if he could.
Sirius had just flicked the lights on when without warning or even mentioning it, Harry leaned forward to through up which unfortunately for Sirius, ended mainly on his shoes again. He wasn't too bothered by it, having witness James from Alcohol induced vomit do the same countless times before (even if it was usually Sirius's fault anyway he'd drunk too much!) However, he still could never admit he was used to the idea of seeing somebody he cared about struggle to bring up his food. In the end he held Harry up and waved his wand to make it disappear before letting Harry sit on the bed with a glass of water as he sat next to him.
"I won't ask you about it if you'd rather go to bed, but it isn't that late yet and you can talk to me if you want to." Sirius explained looking sideways to Harry who was clearly contemplating something in his glass of water that Sirius hoped wasn't yet more watery vomit.
Harry didn't want to look up to Sirius but he was comfortable as they sat in silence for a while. Sirius had now flashed his wand again to make a fire erupt in the grate as he hoped to warm the room and perhaps give some comfort to Harry as he sat there next to him as still as an ice cube looking at the footprints on the dusty floor.
Having seen in the pensive why Harry was finding it so hard to trust any older man, he thought better of putting an arm around Harry for now, thinking it best to wait for things to happen on Harry's terms like that, rather than presuming he could do anything remotely physically affectionate.
It made Sirius wonder later why but he seemed to realise it would be best to treat Harry sort of like a new younger girlfriend that needed to trust him before he could move forward. He knew he could never let Harry know this realisation but he some how found it comforting as he'd always been good with women when he was young and anything he could draw on to help Harry must be an asset mustn't it.
Sirius watched in the fire wondering if Ron, Hermione and Ginny were going to come bounding in anytime soon, when suddenly without warning Harry's clearly awake head started to roll sideways and come to rest comfortably on Sirius's shoulder with a little sigh echoing from his lips.
Sirius didn't know what to say but knew that whatever he did it would have to be carefully thought out. Harry was using him as a pillow having barely changed anything but in fact everything was different now. Harry was choosing to allow Sirius to be near him and as Sirius sat there for a while he then decided that perhaps he could put his arm around Harry in some sort of comforting way.
He did and gently let his arm rap around Harry's shoulder half expecting him to be shoved off in any moment. But it didn't. Harry was perfectly content to let Sirius sit with him until some time had passed and he slid down into his lap and the pillow Sirius had left for him to sleep on. As Sirius watched Harry curled up into a fetal position he wondered if he could have ever believed anything like this could have happened to Harry when he was curled up in Sirius's arms asleep for the very first time in his life, until eventually he too fell asleep.
"Harry, Harry are you awake?" Hermione asked quietly leaning over Harry as he slowly opened his eyes to find himself still curled up with his head on Sirius's chest after he had long since fallen back and gone to sleep.
"Yes I suppose. What time is it?" He asked sleepily rubbing his eyes.
"Half past eight." She replied brightly but Harry seeing the early dawn falling though the window had other ideas.
"Piss off, I'm asleep it's a Sunday." He mumbled turning over and thumping his head a little too hard down determined to go back to sleep.
"It's Thursday Harry." Hermione explained correctly pleased to see Harry quiet comfortable in his sleep for once. She had been a little worried about coming in to Sirius's bedroom at first but when she saw them both happily asleep she decided it was probably ok to check on them.
"I don't care, I'm asleep." Harry replied, grumpily wiggling his legs to get more comfortable again.
"Harry you awake?" Sirius asked rubbing his eyes and sitting up slowly.
"No, I'm asleep." He muttered covering his face with his hands and finally getting back comfortable.
"Oh, what are you doing here?" He asked finally spotting Hermione leaning over Harry.
"Letters arrived with our results from Hogwarts. I had to grab it out of Mrs Weasley's hands to stop her from opening it and now Ron's refusing to open his until Harry does. She's a bit pissed off actually but I thought I'd better bring it up to you." Hermione explained, dropping Harry's letter on his head pleased to see him try and hide a smile behind it.
"Sounds like my aunt." Harry smirked still covering his face before finally giving in and sitting up next to Sirius with a disgruntled look on his face and his messed up hair sticking up terribly on one side of his head.
"That's not very nice Harry. Anyway, I'm not waiting for you I already opened mine. Did ok as it happens?" She explained looking at Harry carefully waiting for his immediate response of what did you get?
"What, you get Outstanding in everything?" Harry asked sarcastically as Sirius flopped back down on the bed to try and grab a few more minuets sleep pleased that Harry seemed to be almost normal at the moment. He could hardly look after his godson properly if he didn't get a decent night sleep at least once a week.
"In everything that matters. You're looking a lot better you know. Did you sleep ok?" She asked looking at Harry's pink cheek where he'd been laying on Sirius's jumper.
"Like a log as it happens. Do I have to go back down there I wanna go back to bed? Ron can wait a bit longer can't he?" Harry asked rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"Yeah sure, Ron can wait easy. To be honest, I think he's a bit scared of opening the thing. Mrs Weasley can't I don't think, but if you want go back to bed. I'll tell her you're still feeling ill or something and that Sirius doesn't want you over exerting yourself or something pathetic like that." Hermione explained standing up as Sirius moved around to lay on his bed better.
"Don't tell her that she'll come up fussing, just tell her I gave him more sleeping draft and he hasn't woken up yet." Sirius grumbled stretching out his limbs for a moment and closing his eyes again.
"Do whatever you feel like.' Harry added rubbing his eyes and rolling back over to curl up next to Sirius snuggly.
'I'm going to sleep, hand us that blanket will you?" He asked curling back up at the end of the bed next to Sirius's head and closing his eyes. He always reminded Hermione strangely of a cat when he went through his sleeping fazes like now. And clearly this was one of those times when he looked so peaceful, sleeping comfortable next to Sirius who had obviously been up half the night watching to see Harry was ok.
Dumbledore's painful assault on Harry's mind had apparently opened Harry up to the possibility that other people do care about him and to be trapped in your own worst fears all the time could only lead to self destruction. Although, Harry wouldn't call himself happy but he was secretly quiet glad he'd slept next to Sirius's heavy warm body last night, it was in an odd way comforting to feel him there just as it was comforting to sit quietly with Hagrid when he was lonely. And if he had ever had a teddy to curl up with in his life he would probably have recognised the feeling sooner.
"What do you mean he said he's still asleep?" Mrs Weasley shrieked as Hermione unceremoniously delivered Harry's message. She was furious Harry didn't want to come down yet and had chosen Sirius's company over her's. Ron however was just pleased not to have to face his mother yet about his grades and Ginny was simply finding it highly amusing that Harry would rather lie in bed and snooze than get up and do jobs, like the choice was ever going to be difficult for her.
Lupin however unable to block out the noise of Molly as she noisily voiced her opinion was catching up on some well earned shut eye on the couch in the next room. He'd got up early to try and miss everybody at breakfast but was forced to keep to his promise not to hide away from everybody 24hours a day so sat in the living room while they all mulled around.
"He's tired Mrs Weasley from last night. I think it really took it out of him so as I said, he's laid next to Sirius fast asleep and I'm not going to wake him. Dumbledore did say he needed some decent rest and Harry hasn't really being sleeping well recently has he!" Hermione explained calmly sitting down to some healthy breakfast as she refused now to eat meat on most occasions much to Molly's annoyance and Lupin's amusement.
"Well Ron, why won't you open your letter now? I'm sure it's all fine and then you can be sorting out your list for me. I'm, going into London today so I can get all your school things." She tried to ask pleasantly but it was no use, Ron was determined to open his letter with Harry.
"Well you see me and Harry made a pact, to do it together. And Fred and George want us to come visit them in their shop, so seen as Harry and Hermione are going into London too, you can't set off until he's awake and as they're going why can't we?" He asked trying to sound innocent but unfortunately knowing only to well how loaded this comment was.
"What do you mean Harry and Hermione are going into London? They can stay here with you and Ginny. I'm not going there by myself with you lot, it's not safe, anything could happen. And I don't know what YOU think YOU and Harry are doing but you certainly AREN'T going all that way by yourselves!" She snapped at Hermione who had had made easily, other arrangements with Tonks and had recently become very aware of her own presence. She felt rather confident to go against Mrs Weasley these days after she implied rather rudely that the Grangers were not good parents because all muggles were supposedly stupid.
"Well actually Tonks is taking me to the Leaky Cauldron so I can go shopping with my mum and dad. They want to treat me after hearing how well I did in my exams. And Harry is going shopping with Lupin and Hagrid to get some knew clothes and Moody said he'd come along too as he was rather curious by Fred and George's recent shield scarf's and Sirius asked him ever so nicely if he would keep two eyes on Harry. You know how affectionate Sirius can be over Harry and well, he does seem to worry a lot about Harry's personal safety so I'm sure we're going to be fine.' Hermione explained calmly with such smug satisfaction from that sentence she wasn't sure which was best.
'And Sirius thinks Harry could do with a new winter coat you see, I think he's worried by how thin Harry's gotten recently and wants to keep him nice and warm now the weathers turned foul somewhat." Hermione replied perfectly clearly with her own firm face making Lupin sneak a peak from under his paper to see if Mrs Weasley had burst yet or not.
"Oh so that's what you think YOU'RE doing is it?' She stood there totally stunned by Hermione's calm outburst.
'And may I ask you MADAM, just how you made arrangements so early in the morning, when you know full well not to send owls at the moment. I would have thought Moody made the rules quiet clear when you arrived with US!" She replied hands on her hips and fuming at the mouth.
"My Nokia. Mum wants me to keep in better contact, she worries about me like a proper mother should and wants me to check in more often after the problems we had last year.' She explained lifting a little pink flip phone up for Molly to see who clearly had no idea what she was talking about.
'Moody says its fine and Tonks's fixed it so I would get a good signal and less magical interference. Daddy wants to give me something nice and expensive for doing so well in my exams." Hermione replied taking time to savor the delight in winding Ron's mother up about how stupid muggles can actually be rather successful business men and make a lot of money before sauntering out the room before Ginny.
"Ronald! I am seriously questioning your choice in friends, if it wasn't for the fact that I need you to keep an eye on that sister of yours, who has completely gone off the rails, then I think I might limit your time with them!" Mrs Weasley snapped pulling the plate of bacon from under Ron and striding into the kitchen.
"Hay I wasn't done with that yet!" He shouted hopelessly at his mother as she banged around in the kitchen cleaning up.
"Ya fancy waking up yet?" Sirius asked falling out the side of the bed and getting up to look at his clock.
"What time is it?" Harry asked sitting up and rubbing his hair so it stood slightly less on end.
"Ten-ish. Lupin said he and Tonk's can take you about eleven-ish to meet Hagrid and Moody in London today if you wanted to go. If you don't feel up to it its ok you can always go another day." Sirius added looking in the mirror to decide weather to shave or not today.
"No I'm feeling ok, I'm a bit tired still but I feel like getting up and walking around a bit.' Harry explained yawning slightly as he stretched his arms and legs out on the bed.
'You don't mind me going in to London do you? I know I haven't exactly been much company yet and now I'm feeling a bit better but I don't want to just ditch you?" Harry explained watching Sirius carefully in the mirror as he carefully watched Harry back, he merely smiled weekly which was actually his own way of smiling broadly at his godchild.
"If you're feeling better Harry, I'm glad, and I'd like you to go out and get some fresh air, it'll do you some good.' He added in his best parenty voice, which failed miserably on Harry's ears, still not quiet sure about parenty voices and certainly not looking at Sirius as a sensible guardian figure, weird older brother come cousin yes but parent no. He just seemed to alive for that to Harry.
'Plus, I can go back to bed then while you're out in the cold and I'll see you later for dinner." Sirius decided firmly turning back to Harry to see if he really was as well as he seemed to sound.
"Best have a wash then. Where's me trunk gone?" He asked standing up and looking about him sure he hadn't seen it in a while but still expecting it to just be where ever he was.
"Probably still in yours and Ron's room. Are you going to open your letter now?" Sirius asked looking to the fat envelope on the bedside table noticing the tear on one corner where Mrs Weasley had tried to tear it open after ripping it out of Ron's hands. Sirius however had managed to show far more self restraint than Mrs Weasley and was waiting patiently for Harry to take an interest in his very important exam results rather than pressing the matter on him.
"Yeah ok. That woman's a menace, look she ripped the first page." Harry explained picking it up and looking at it closely before opening the door to find Ron just about to have a look and see if he was awake yet.
"Hay you wanna open em yet?" He asked nodding at Sirius as he came in who had decided he'd rather watch Harry with his friend to see how well he was rather than be an over baring anal retentive banshee like Molly was.
"Sure!" Ron pulled his envelope out of what Harry was sure was the backside of his underwear and started to open it.
"Hermione's really pissed mum off ya' know. I think she's out with a vengeance to cause trouble.' At this Sirius smirked slightly behind the two lads, he have to pay extra special attention to Hermione in future, if only he could work out how to do that.
'That was after mum implied her parents weren't good enough to keep her safe and that Hermione was much better off either at the burro with us, or here, without Sirius of course. Rather than ever going home again." Ron explained looking down his letter and being pleasantly surprised by what he saw.
"Naturally." Sirius mumbled quietly to himself as Ron passed his letter to Harry as Sirius continued to look quietly on from the background swelling slightly with pride as he did.
"Yeah well Hermione can be a real bitch when you piss her off about her parents can't she! Remember how she nearly strung Draco up last year by his ears." Harry laughed just as Hermione walked in.
"I hear my name!' She asked breezing in nicely still with a smug evil look as both Harry and Ron decided that really, today wasn't a day to go against Hermione if that day ever did or could exist.
'How'd you do?" She asked quickly seeing them both with a letter in each hand.
"Not bad, Ron did loads better than me in History of Magic though, other than that we're sort of even." Harry explained looking at the fourth piece of paper in his envelope as Sirius was passed the list of results casually by Harry to look at happily and compare to what James had managed to get.
"I should think so, you passed out cold screaming half way though and if he still can't beat that then honestly, there's no hope for him." Hermione joked sarcastically looking at Ron who only went red behind his ears.
"Suppose, but hay it would look good if I still lost to him after that. I mean it was quiet a spectacular sight you know, he managed to stop the whole bloody exam at one point." Ron explained looking at what Harry was so intently reading and the badge in his hand. Sirius however was seriously wondering what the hell had been going on in that exam hall when Harry had such an episode! It was no wonder people thought he was nuts so often!
"Hay what you got there?" Hermione asked seeing Sirius looking easily over Harry's shoulder.
"I made Captain. Get to use prefect's bathroom and everything!" Harry explained passing the letter to Sirius and then lifted up the badge to have a better look as he squinted in the sunlight.
"Good for you Harry. I'm sure you'll do brilliantly." Sirius smiled putting an arm on Harry's shoulder and passing the letter back.
"Don't you use it anyway?" Hermione asked eyeing them suspiciously.
"Yeah well now I don't have to pretend Ron doesn't tell me passwords."
"Who cares he's same as us now? Sirius is right, you'd probably be very good at it. Did James Captain ever?" Ron asked eagerly quickly looking at Sirius who was still smiling truly proud of Harry but totally bamboozled by the prospect of actually being asked a question.
"Oh, err, yeah but it's kind of a weird story. He err, had a few problems and quit for a bit." Sirius replied surprised to be asked such an open question about James so comfortably as he sat back down to try and cover his shock (even if facial expressions were hardly a strong point with him).
"Why did he quit?" Harry asked quiet egger to hear what would drive his Quidditch crazy father to quit for a while.
"Well it was your mothers doing really in his last year. He told Lilly that to prove how much he loved her he would win the tournament for her. But she said he always won so how would she know it was her and not his ego he was a doing it for, so she promised that if he lost his next crucial match then she'd know he must love her more than Quidditch and would let him take her out on a date.' Sirius sighed warmly as he remembered then next part of his story clearly.
'So James being James agreed. Anything to take your mother out Harry he was quiet barmy that year and drove me mad most the time because of her. Up until then all he got was 'no you stupid narcissist' which was probably true to some degree (well it was true to a large degree actually) and well, he did lose but it nearly killed him. Idiot couldn't bare to stop himself from catching the snitch so jumped off his broomstick mid air, it was something like forty-fifty foot in the air and he ended up in the hospital wing for three weeks with a broken back or something like that, I think. He was fine afterwards and got his date but vowed never to play again if she made him lose it hurt his pride to much."
Sirius smiled seeing how happy Harry was to hear about his parents. He'd always been careful about mentioning them in case Harry found it difficult but this was obviously not the case as Harry blurted out.
"He's sounds like a total bloody nutter."
"Err, he was a bit, but it was in an affectionate sort of way." Sirius explained honestly worried Harry might still have that horrible feeling of disappointment from when he saw what happened in Snape's memory.
"Well your mother must of being one hell of a women." Ron grinned looking at Harry.
"She was." Sirius replied still looking at Harry fondly along with Hermione.
"I mean you jumped nearly ninety for her and well, put it this way, you won't catch me doing that for mine anytime soon. If, given a little encouragement by Fred and George, I could easily be convinced to push her off the top of north tower but never jump myself."
Ron explained as the four of them laughed as right on cue Molly's voice was heard shrieking up the stairs and within moments the portrait of Mrs Black began to scream. FILTH. MUDBLOOD. TRAITOR. Up the stairs too.
"I should really go and shut mine up!" Sirius explained getting up and heading to the door wand in hand and grim determination to start bellowing back at his mother for a short while.
"If you feel like it, shut mine up too, she's bloody barmy at the moment." Ron called making Sirius smirk as he left. He liked Harry's friends, they were all so weird but judging by the sort of people Sirius hung around with he could hardly say anything.
Having sat in comfortable silence for a short while Ron suddenly jumped in to explain to Harry in full techno-coloured glory how Hermione had stood up to his mother about going into London.
"I really care about you Remus and I don't want to have to be sneaking around him all the time." Tonks explained quietly sitting with Lupin on the sofa as Mrs Waesley was busy whispering away to a heedless husband about the certain evils of Ron's chosen 'friends' and forgetting momentarily about spying on the other two whispering together across the open living room.
"Look trust me it would never work. I'm just not that way."
"How can you not be that way? Everyone's that way. And if you just don't like me then why can't you just say it? Hiding away all the time, honestly it's not healthy! Even Sirius doesn't hide so much now." Tonks pressed on quietly thankful that Ginny had chosen to go somewhere else for the time being. She had finally got Lupin to admit his feelings for her recently and after all these months she wasn't going to let him slip away easily, however much he insisted it was an accident he said anything anyway. He was just caught up in the moment and wanted to hug someone and she was the nearest he was sure.
"No I suppose not, it's just, well... He's just struggling a bit with Harry and I don't want to add more pressure to him. You don't see him like I do late at night. He drinks too much when things get hard and gets really quiet violent and angry with himself. I just don't want to kick him while he's down that's all. I don't think he's quiet used to the idea you're a fully trained Aura now like those that locked him up. He really cares about you in his own, err, unique way." Remus begged but Tonks had a cute wicked smile on her face that made Remus feel like he was ten years younger than he looked which was probably about right anyway.
"You really care about his feelings don't you?"
"Yes well most people don't but I still know they're there and besides, he's really good to me. I haven't had anyone make me feel so comfortable around people since I was hanging around with him and James at school." Tonks smiled resisting the urge to kiss him gently and hug him tightly.
"I only wanted you to come out for dinner with me." She sighed giving in again. She knew he liked her, she was sure of it and had it all worked out in her head about how to make him see it. But it never worked. Even deliberately finding excuses to stop over and wondering round in a variety of lax-bed wear pretending she thought no-one was up when she went for a drink of water. Things just never worked though. Sirius was the one being affectionate and Lupin was the one keeping his distance. She wanted it the other way around but oh well, he's determined to be alone so maybe should give up on him. It wasn't that hard to find a man who wanted to be with a woman who could make herself look like anything, it was just hard to find one that truly cared about her in her natural form that was all.
"That's not exactly true though is it!' He mumbled back quietly to himself as they'd both turned the other way for a minuet.
'I'm sorry for annoying you again Tonks. I really don't mean to do it. You're really rather sweet." He started again when he could bare the silence no longer.
"But your still not interested in me?" She sighed giving in, this was the last time she was going to humiliate herself to an older, nice, sensitive man that she adored. Well at least if he's older and more mature, she'd get to be his comfortable friend, hopefully. She was hoping as men got older and matured they'd stop being such jerks but so far her mothers laughter and assurances of 'not a chance' kept coming to her ears. Turning back to him she smiled and was just on the verge of saying something friendly so he knew that she would be happy being friends when an over-loving thorn in her side opened his mouth.
"Tonks. You're here early, I didn't expect you for at least another half an hour?" Sirius asked looking at Tonks's pale blue hair and totally oblivious to what she could be doing alone whispering with 'old-mooney'.
"Oh well, I was wondering about Harry to be honest, I wasn't sure if you'd let him out today?" Tonks explained honestly standing up to face him while Remus took a subtle deep breath and tried to count to five in Latin. How many more times was she going to do this too him? He didn't have the energy to reject such a wonderful young women much more it was exhausting.
"Well he seems much better and he wants to go outside for a bit so I can't really stop him." Sirius explained looking at the floor forcefully as he tried to convince himself Harry would be ok. He'd had one good nights sleep and although he was now totally different, Sirius wasn't sure if after Dumbledore's attempt to open him up had been left long enough to allow Harry to come to terms with everything.
Sirius was sure it hadn't but he wanted Harry to go out and do something normal rather than sit away in this rancid house sulking and worrying about what had happened. After all, it was the one thing he said he always wanted, to be normal and Moody, Hagrid, Lupin and Tonks would surely be able to look after him alright for half a day.
"I'm glad and I'm sure he'll benefit from the fresh air. Anyway, I wanted to come hear about the big results before we went off but from what Ginny said it sounds like something's kicked off about it already." She asked walking up to Sirius as he grinned in the same odd brotherly manner he did with Tonks making Lupin cringe from within as he remembered how close they were these days and how highly inappropriate he could think of her sometimes. Lupin had heard Sirius talk about how motherly Andromeda always was to him over a hundred times and although Lupin had never met this lovely witch it only served to reinforce the close bond Sirius still seemed to feel with the Tonks section of his family.
"Yeah, well Ron didn't want to open his without Harry and Harry didn't want to wake up at the crack of dawn when the post arrived and point blank refused to open his eyes until well past nine. It seems Molly was rather keen to hear the news and a little annoyed she had to wait for Harry and Ron so tried to do it herself but Hermione grabbed it and hid it upstairs with us so she sort of went a bit mad at her for standing up to the wretched women as well. Hermione's being playing at rocking the boat this morning from what I can tell. I'm excessively proud of her for trying and doing so well at it." Sirius explained with a slightly evil grin on his face as Tonks returned it.
"So we're still going shopping then?" She asked brightly before Lupin got a word in about the actual results, so far he'd been made to wait patiently and it seemed he's going to have to wait a little longer yet.
"Harry made Quidditch Captain." Sirius jumped in brightly showing just how proud he was a little louder than necessary making Mrs Weasley pace quickly closer to pester Sirius and ear-wig for information.
"I'm glad, he'd be very good at it I'm sure." Lupin smiled glad to see how much pleasure Sirius was taking in Harry's successes after witnessing his jumpy body last night as Harry fought to hide his painful memories from Dumbledore.
Lupin had already retold the rest of the story to Tonks quietly after last nights meeting and they had both decided it was best to keep as far away from the subject as possible until Sirius himself brought it up. As for Harry everybody in the order (except Mrs Weasley) agreed that was Sirius own personal job along with Dumbledore and under no circumstances was it a good idea to interfere directly with Harry. Dumbledore had already made clear that any information Harry needed to hear would be past on to him directly and weather he tricked or asked plainly order members were not to give anything out easily unless necessary. Mrs Weasley had taken this to heart, Tonks, Lupin and Moody had decided it was best left for Sirius and Hagrid had a habit of letting allsorts of things slip but only ever to Harry. Mr Weasley however was the one person that stood out on his own and had decided as always, to follow his own judgment in situations and offer Harry the same opportunities as he did his own son's for Harry to refuse if he whished it.
"How'd he do?" Lupin finally asked as Mrs Weasley who'd been lingering at the door quickly breezed in to hear Sirius's reply.
"Oh I'll let him tell you himself later, he'll be down in a minuet. You don't mind taking him into London do you?" Sirius asked deliberately ignoring Mrs Weasley in a false attempt not to cause any more confrontations as Lupin had asked very nicely last night, for Harry's sake if not anybody else's for Sirius not to deliberately rock the boat any more. Arguments in the house were not going to help Harry and Sirius couldn't help but agree with this. Sirius however secretly had the theory that if Harry wasn't actually in the house, then rocking the boat became fair game and he could do it all he wanted until Harry returned. Lupin though was quiet suspicious that this might be Sirius's mind set but realised, Sirius was a board, over grown school boy and you couldn't expect him to grow up over night if in sixteen years not much emotional maturing had happened between Sirius's ears.
"It's fine, Moody will be here in a minuet I think. What you want me to get him? That is why you came looking for me with your money bag?" Lupin asked sitting back down next to Sirius and Tonks while Mrs Weasley stood in the corner clearly having another whispered argument with her tired husband who wasn't particularly interested and whished more than anyone she'd loose her voice for a few days to give him some piece.
"I don't think he can see out those glasses of his.' Sirius explained looking thoughtful and pulling a scrap of paper out his pocket.
'Ya' know, even with them on he still walks right into things. And I bet that aunt of his doesn't bother with him much." Sirius explained handing Lupin the piece of paper and a sack of gold and starting to look down the list with a kind simple smile.
"Sure, we can't have him walking around as blind as a bat can we and I was beginning to wonder at him squinting all the time, he's even worse than you, but yeah, I'll take him to Rosemary's and find out if he can see or not." Lupin explained taking the bag checking the list and putting it away, Sirius however chose to ignore this comment as he was quiet sure there was nothing wrong with his eyes, it's just when he first started leaning over to read Lupin's paper he couldn't always remember what every complicated word meant. Luckily he always had plenty of time to think about it when he wrote to Harry to make sure he didn't make many obvious mistakes and Harry was just a kid anyway, how the hell would he be able to pick Sirius up on his bad grammar, he wasn't Hermione!
"Great. Is it snowing out there?" He suddenly asked walking past Lupin away from Molly to the dirty window.
"Yeah it started just when I got to the corner. It's really rather cold out there you know, make sure Harry puts a thick jumper on." Tonks explained walking up to the window next to Sirius and looking up in to his vacant face which suddenly turned to a smile when he saw her looking.
"Do you remember when it snowed at Christmas and I put a bucket of ice down the back of your dress?" He asked making Tonks laugh.
"Dad went mad because I ended up in bed three days from flu. And to get you back I sent you a squealing howler!" She smiled enjoying the memory however long ago it was. Lupin knew better than to interfere with them at the moment and made a knowing look to Arthur to stop his wife from causing another row.
Harry however it seems, can wonder in and out as much as he chooses and Sirius would always be pleased to see him enter a room, as he did now.
"Harry have you seen this snow?" He asked turning around quickly to face Harry.
"Yeah the weather's gone a bit nuts hasn't it! Hermione is just stealing a scarf from Ginny and won't be a minuet." Harry explained looking at Tonks and smiling pleasantly.
"Is that all you've got to keep you warm. I thought we brought all your stuff with you from the Dursley's?" She asked looking at Harry's rather worn out jacket and coat that really wasn't much better despite the scarf and thin black hat on his head he'd stolen from Ron.
"Yeah well, I'll be ok." Harry shrugged trying to ignore how scruffy his clothes were by looking at Sirius who didn't bother that much these past few decades with keeping up with the fashions and Remus who just didn't seem to have the cash or the energy to bother unless he had to. Even then it was really rather a lame attempt.
"You'll bloody freeze, can't we find you something a bit warmer?" She wondered seeing a slight approving look from Mrs Weasley as she to thought Harry would freeze as he was.
"Why don't you lend him that old coat of yours?" Lupin asked also now aware of Harry's lack of warm clothes and joining in as Sirius tried to think of something to do to rectify the situation.
"Err, do you think it'll fit him?" Sirius asked walking over to the wardrobe in the dining room and pulling out a really rather handsome black coachman's coat, that faded to the deepest shade of purple at the bottom, that Harry had ever seen. Lupin had found it ages ago and cleaned it up a bit along with the rest of the wardrobe so he could hang his cloak up without the fear of it falling to pieces when whatever had infested the wardrobe got at it. His cloak had lasted twenty years he could make it last a little longer yet!
"That looks warm." Harry encouraged pulling off his own useless jacket and taking it from Sirius. He pulled it on and despite being clearly slightly far too big around the middle and slightly too long in the sleeve it fitted his shoulders beautifully. Hanging right down to his knees and warming him from the core like a heated blanket. Even Mrs Weasley stopped her whispering to come and have a closer look.
"Nice coat Harry!" Hermione explained walking in with Ginny and taking a moment to have a better look at the way the threads blended perfectly from one colour to another in different. While Mrs Weasley was pushed back slightly, like a creepy crawly afraid of the bright light.
"Where'd you get it?" Harry asked looking at himself in the mirror and doing up the toggles.
"It was a birthday present years and years ago. I only wore it once and well, now I'm too big around the middle for it." Sirius explained straightening the back so it hung off Harry's shoulders better.
"Wow I bet your were annoyed you got to fat for it. This is lovely and warm Sirius." Harry explained looking up slightly to his godfather who wore a smile more often than not now when Harry saw him now or at least Harry felt better for noticing it.
A few days ago Harry would never have believed he could be so happy around Sirius but after Dumbledore had forced him to relive his attack and had shown it to Sirius it was like a heavy weight had been lifted off him in just a few hours gentle rest. He didn't have that horrible empty sinking feeling as the pressure of keeping things bottled up got to him. All the time Harry had known Sirius he had done nothing but care for him and for the first time, Harry really truly believe it wasn't left over from his father and that Sirius really did care about Harry just because he was Harry and nothing else. This was an overwhelming feeling for Harry who didn't understand it, he'd never felt like this before in his life. It wasn't happiness he felt at the moment because he could feel the difference, it was more the opposite of sorrow, it was joy.