If I Die Before I Wake
Chapter Two: Risks
Babblings: Here's chapter two. Please give me some more reviews. I love you. Ah, and this chapter introduces Axel. Hope you enjoy.
The italicized sections are flashbacks of sorts to how Roxas and Axel got together.
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In many ways, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole of existence. I found my true love young in life – well, I was fifteen years old, but who's counting? How do I know he's the one? I can tell by the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me. Axel, in spite of his tough-guy outer appearance, is a completely different person when we are alone, when he's making love to me in the sweetest ways. And I like that I'm the only person who gets to see this side of him. I'm the only person who gets to see the mushy, loveable interior of him.
"I'm home," I said, pushing open the door to our apartment, rubbing my glove-less hands together in an attempt to warm them and make them less bright red.
"Heya, Roxy," Axel said, with his characteristic smirk on his face, coming around the corner from the kitchen. He brought he into a hug and immediately I felt my insides – and outsides – thaw. Then he swiped a spike away from my forehead and kissed me. "You look like you've been through hell and back. It must be wild out there."
I nodded, trying to keep the bile from rising in my throat. "Yeah, I decided to go out for a run." Part of me wondered how long I'd be able to run like that – run without abandon.
"In this weather?" he asked, eyebrows rising.
"Well, it wasn't snowing when I started running," I replied, pulling away from him to take my coat and shoes off. "It's fine. It's just a bit nippy out there."
"So how did your appointment go?" he asked as we walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. He set a steaming cup of hot cocoa in front of me, always my favorite, but now all I felt like doing was chucking it out the window on some un-expecting passerby. I was about to tell Axel an outright lie for the first time in our four-year relationship. The thought made me sick to my stomach, but I wasn't about to change my mind now.
So I shrugged and took a small sip of the cocoa. "Same as usual. I'm as healthy as ever."
My red-haired lover let out a visible sigh of relief and I couldn't help but feel guilty for doing this to him. Every month when I go in for my check-up, Axel gets this way where he can't eat and he can't sleep until he knows that I'm going to be okay at least for another month. And then everything goes back to normal – or as normal as our lives usually are. But now… what would he do when I was gone? Was I just being selfish over this whole thing? The angel inside of me said, Yes, you are being selfish. Are you really going to throw away true love for the sake of your hair? The devil said, No, of course not. This is what is best. Why can't he just have his last year or so of fun? I hated those two. They always made my life more complicated.
"That's good," Axel said, nonchalantly, pretending it didn't affect him as much as it did.
I can't believe I'm doing this. Maybe I should march right back to Doc and demand to take treatments ASAP.
No. I'm not doing that.
"So what's for dinner?" I asked.
He grinned, leaning close to me over the table. "Well I was thinking we could order pizza… And then…" He pressed his lips teasingly against mine for only a fleeting moment. "And then… I maybe I can have Roxas pie for dessert."
I grinned right back at him, licking my lips in that seductive way I know he can't resist. "I like that idea."
Suddenly, he growled and lifted me up so I fell like a sack of potatoes over his strong shoulders. I protested a little, but there wasn't much motivation behind it. "I've decided that I'd rather have you for an appetizer instead."
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Fifteen-year-old Roxas suddenly felt the weight of a history book bopping him on the back of the head. He was about to make some rude retort when he found himself staring into the deep green eyes of a red-head boy he'd never seen before.
"You're in my seat," the boy said.
"I don't see your name on it," the small blonde replied, taking another bite of his sandwich, hoping to piss him off.
"No," he smirked. "But then again, you don't know my name so you can't be sure that one of these here signatures isn't mine."
Roxas lowered his eyes to the table, where, indeed, many students had left their markings over the years. "I can sit where I want," he said, glaring at the much-bigger boy.
"Yes," said the red-head, "I suppose you can. So I'll have to improvise." With that, he plopped down on the bench beside Roxas, not an arm's width separating them though there was no one else sitting at the table.
Determined not to let the boy get to him, Roxas just (nearly) glared a hole into his peanut-butter sandwich and commenced to ignore the red-head until the bell signaling the end of lunch rang. He quickly grabbed his backpack and bounded from the cafeteria as fast as he could.
Axel burst out in laughter. The blonde would get used to him.
Eventually.
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We lay in the sweet afterglow of our love-making, our bodies tangled together with no semblance of order, clothes flung thoughtlessly over the floor. I curled up more closely against Axel, reveling in the feeling of our naked bodies touching, skin against skin.
After a few minutes, Axel broke our reverie by saying, "So what about dinner?"
I groaned. "You're making me move now?" I whined. "You've obviously never been on the bottom. As a general rule it hurts to move for at least several minutes. Especially when the one pounding into you is so goddamn strong."
"Maybe if you had just a little bit more padding…" began Axel, teasingly.
I pouted, crossing my arms and pulling back just a little ways. "Well, sor-ry. I'm sorry I'm not taller or stronger or had a bit more–"
He cut me off by pressing his lips against mine in an almost angry manner. When he stopped and looked at me there was something unrecognizable in his gaze. "If you were any different from who you are right now, you wouldn't be Roxas. And I can't ever love anyone but you."
His words nearly brought tears to my eyes and I suddenly felt as though I was going to puke. He would, eventually, have to find someone else, when I was gone and not coming back. But he didn't need to know that yet. Not for quite some time. In a few months, I would no longer be the same person. Would he still love me then?
"I love you, too," I said, laughing a moment later when his stomach growled. "Come on. Let's get you some food."
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"Hey, Axel?" I asked, the next morning when we sat down for breakfast.
He looked up from his large bowl of Lucky Charms. "Hmm?"
"Do you work today?" Axel worked at a corner grocery store most days when he wasn't at school. He didn't really need to. His grandfather had left him with a lot of money (the reason we had such a nice apartment) but Axel liked the feeling of earning his own place in the world.
"Nope," he grinned. "I was thinking maybe I could figure out a new way to make you scream…"
I rolled my eyes. "Love, I'm pretty sure that after four years you pretty much know every possible way to make me scream. Besides, that's all we did last night and if we did any more I might not be able to walk."
"Fine," he pouted, taking another huge bite of cereal, licking a stray marshmallow from the side of his mouth. It's kind of funny, but he doesn't really strike many people as a Lucky Charms marshmallow guy. I guess it's just proof that he really is fluffy on the inside. "So what did you have in mind?"
"I want to do something new and exciting, maybe even a little risky."
Axel arched an eyebrow so high it completely disappeared into his bangs. "What's going on, Roxy? You've never, ever been one for taking risks."
Death does that to people, I guess. See the thing about us dying people is that we have absolutely nothing to lose. Maybe death makes us braver. Maybe it makes us stupider. But then again bravery and stupidity come hand-in-hand most of the time. Besides, I have to cram an entire lifetime in less than two years. I'd better get started.
But I couldn't tell Axel any of this, so I just shrugged and said, "You know that saying 'Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die tomorrow'? Well, I decided that I want to put it into practice. I've spent too much of my life moping around, doing nothing. So I want to get out and do something."
Suddenly a worried look crossed Axel's features and I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. "But if you over-exert yourself isn't there a higher chance that it will come back?"
"Axel," I said, firmly. "I'm not going to break and I sure as hell ain't dyin' any time soon." Which wasn't exactly a lie. Two years wasn't that soon.
So he let, out a long, deep sigh and leaned back in his chair. "So what exactly do you have in mind?"
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After two weeks of that annoying red-head sitting next to him at lunch, in silence, watching the blonde boy as if he were a spectator sport, Roxas couldn't stand it any longer. "Don't you have any friends?"
The red-head grinned in that utterly infuriating manner and replied, "Of course. They're sitting right over there." He motioned with a wave of his hand to the table with all the popular people.
"So why the hell don't you sit with them and leave me alone?" Roxas asked, turning to glare at the older boy.
"Because you amuse me."
"Well, you don't amuse me and I'd really appreciate it if you would stop sitting here. I enjoy having my lunch in peace."
The red-head brought his face closer, close enough so that Roxas could feel the warm breath on his skin, making his heart speed up and unexpected butterflies flutter in his stomach. "Everyone needs someone to talk to. Even you. Even if you don't like to admit it. I can see your pain. And I like you and I'd like to be the one to take away that pain."
Not knowing what to say, Roxas bit his tongue in an attempt to keep back tears. Why did this boy fucking care? Roxas didn't even know his name or how old he was. It was none of the boy's business how he felt. "I don't need anyone."
Suddenly, the boy's arms were wrapped around the small blonde and their lips were touching. For a moment, Roxas lost himself in the sensation, allowing Axel to kiss him in front of the entire school population. Then he came to his senses and pushed the red-head away.
"Fuck you," he said, standing up and wiping his tears away.
Before he could bolt, though, the larger boy grabbed onto his arm and forced their eyes to meet. "I'm not doing this to impress anyone."
"Well, you could have fooled me."
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"This is what you call risky?" Axel called from far below me.
I currently found myself standing on the high dive of the pool in our apartment building, looking at the pristine water, which appeared like it was about a hundred feet below me. I took another tentative step forward. Sure, I'd seen Axel do this same thing a million times before (admittedly, with a lot more grace), but I'd never done it. Well, this was to be my first step in living out my life in less than two years. It wasn't that I was afraid of heights, per say, I am just horrified of falling.
"Just do it!" he yelled again. "Then I can take you back to our room and ravish you again." I ventured a glare down at him. He was so lucky we were the only two people in here.
Another step put me right on the edge of the diving board, my feminine toes curling over the edge, my arms out at my sides, helping me to keep my balance.
"The longer you're up there, the harder it gets!" Easy for him to say. He'd probably never gone through this. Axel had infinite bravery (and stupidity).
I closed my eyes. Three, two, one… GO! I opened my eyes. I was still standing on the edge. Growing frustrated with myself, I shut my eyes once again, determined. Three… two… one… I was falling through the air for what felt like an infinity, trying to ignore the lurching of my stomach. Then I hit with a loud splash and sunk deep into the water, adrenaline filling my body. I burst through the surface of the water, laughing, and climbing back out, ready to do it again and again and again.
"Fun, huh?" Axel said, eyeing my dripping body, hungrily.
I continued laughing, but pressed a kiss on his lips. "It was fucking brilliant." With that, I climbed back up the tall later and ran with enthusiasm to the edge, jumping into thin air – this time without any hesitation.
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"You know what, Rox?" Axel asked, pulling me closer into his arms as we lay in bed that night. I sighed contentedly, as a sign for him to continue. "I don't think I've ever seen you look so alive in all the years that I've known you, until this afternoon."
"I feel alive right now," I said. "I can feel your strong body. I can hear your heart beating and I can feel mine beating right along with it. You're all that matters to me." Nuzzling my face into his neck, I once again committed his scent to my memory.
Axel's hands slid down my naked body, making me shiver in pleasure in anticipation at what I knew was coming next. It always amazed me that no matter how many times we had sex, I always wanted more. Axel knew all my pleasure spots, just as I knew all of his.
"I love you," he whispered.
I nipped at the soft skin behind his neck, making him moan. Then he rolled over so I was lying, pinned, beneath him. He took my lips in his, possessively. Taking one hand, he teasingly rubbed at my erection until I was a writhing, begging mess. "Please," I moaned. "Axel… please."
Being the uncanny gentleman that he is, Axel always takes the time to prepare me. He says that it's because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I think it's just because he likes to drive me insane before taking me. Carefully, he inserted one finger, pushing it up until he hit my prostate dead on. I arched my back, trying to get more of the feeling, but Axel pushed my hips right back down. "Patience, love," he said, kissing my forehead. Then he put in another finger, stretching me with a scissoring motion. I whimpered, begging him for more, but he refused to give it to me.
Finally, after several long minutes, he deemed I was ready. As though he also could not wait any longer, he quickly positioned himself at my entrance and thrust in. I moaned, loudly and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling our bodies flush against each other. "More… more…" This time he did not hesitate in giving me what I needed.
My body was lost in the sensations and the emotions. I no longer had any conscious thought, except the knowing that he was inside of me, completing me. He was my other half, my better half; the yin to my yang; the light to my darkness; the warmth to my cold; the white to my black.
I came a few minutes later, unable to hold myself back. He followed just a short while later, filling me with his essence. "Love you," I said, once again finding myself close to tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked, pulling back. "Did I hurt you? Oh, god, I did, didn't I?"
"No," I sobbed, pulling our bodies even closer together, not even giving him the chance to pull out. "No." I couldn't control my tears, no matter how badly I wanted them to stop. And I didn't even really know why I was crying except that maybe I was thinking of how I only had so much longer with him, with this boy that I loved so dearly. "It wasn't you… Just… stay here… for tonight. Please?" I asked.
He nodded, kissing my forehead. "Anything for you. I'd give you the world if I could."
I shook my head, sweaty bangs falling into my eyes. "I don't need the world," I said, the tears slowing. "All I need is right here."
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Babblings: Well there you have chapter two. I hope you all like it. Oh and, as you can see, I already have to change the rating to M. I just couldn't help but write that lemon even though I debated over and over in my mind if I should or not.
Well, please review and tell me if you love it or hate it or think it is just blah.