If I Die Before I Wake
Chapter Three: Relationships
Babblings: Thank you for your reviews on the last chapter. I really appreciate them. Keep them coming.
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I've always hated Mondays. I think most people do. You just get over the high of the weekend and then you're cruelly forced back to reality. Today though, I especially hate Mondays, because it seems so pointless for me to go to class now. I'll never graduate. I'll never hold a real job. So, really, there is no point for me to come here now except to keep Axel from asking questions.
So here I sit, doodling in my notebook when I suddenly hear the door to the classroom creak open and I look up with the rest of the class. A small blonde girl walks in, looking timid, holding her books up to her chest. Immediately, I feel an odd connection with her, not in the same way I have a connection with Axel, but I could still feel it. It's definitely there. The professor sighs, annoyed at having his class disrupted, and motions for her to have a seat. I wave at her, smiling to show that I'm friendly. She smiles, meekly, back at me and takes a seat beside me.
"Hey," I said, holding out my hand. "I'm Roxas."
"Namine," she replies, setting down her books and taking my hand.
I smile again and go back to doodling. I should tell you right now that I've never had many friends in my life. Axel is the only true friend I've ever really had and he doesn't really count since he's my boyfriend. So this is beyond weird that I went out of my way to befriend someone else – especially a girl. I'm Antisocial with a capital A. If Axel hadn't forced his way into my life I'd probably be sitting, holed up in my brother's basement for the rest of my too-short life.
"What are you drawing?" she whispers. I shake my head, but move my hand away so she can see. "Wow," she says. "Those are amazing. Is that what you're going to school for?"
I nod. I was majoring in art, the only thing I'd ever been good at. This was just an annoying side class I was required to take to graduate – which wouldn't be happening now anyway. That was three years away and I had a death sentence of two. "Thanks," I say. "These aren't really special, though. I'm not that great."
"No," she says, keeping her voice down so the professor won't hear. "You have a unique style. I've never seen anything quite like it."
"Come by the art wing when this class is over and I'll show you what I'm working on," I venture. "If you'd like, that is."
She smiles. "I'd love to."
"So what are you majoring in?" I ask.
"I'm an art major, too, actually," she replies. "I've always wanted to be an artist. My father always said I could be so much more, but I've never listened to him."
The rest of class went by quickly. Namine and I chatted like old friends. I learned that she just transferred here because her grandmother is dying of some kind of cancer and needed to be closer to a larger hospital and Namine felt like she couldn't leave her behind. I suddenly felt bile rise into my mouth, but shook my head and continued to let her talk. She was my age. We seemed to have a lot in common. I felt relaxed around her, like I do around Axel. I think she felt relaxed around me, too, because she didn't come across as a normally talkative person. My boring Monday was looking up.
After class let out, I showed her the way to the art wing. Hardly anyone was there during this late hour of the day, being that most of the classes had already been dismissed and people were going home. I gave her a short tour before we came across to the large easel where my painting sat. Namine let out a small gasp and ran her fingers over it, touching the bumps and grooves of the paint. "It's beautiful," she says. "Where did you come up with it?" She was referring to the large, elaborate door I'd painted with tiny black creatures clouding the base of it.
I shrug. "I sometimes have these dreams and… that's just one of the things I remembered so I decided to paint it so I wouldn't forget."
"Oh," she says, turning back to the painting. "Do you have any others?"
"Yeah," I say. "They're at home though. Axel likes to keep them and hang them up all over the house." I shook my head, mentally, at the thought of how excited Axel gets whenever I bring him home a new painting.
"Axel?" she inquires.
"Oh," I grin. "Axel's my boyfriend. We've been together for a long, long time."
"I see," she says in a nonjudgmental manner. I know she's accepted me. That thought makes me unbelievably happy. "How long is a long time?"
"Four years."
She raises an eyebrow. "Wow. That is a long time."
"Yeah," I agree. "He goes to school here, also, so you might see him around. Or maybe you can come over some time and meet him. And see the paintings."
She smiles, angelically. "I'd like that."
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I call Axel on his cell phone a few minutes later, after Namine and I part ways. On Mondays, his last class gets out a little later than mine, but I usually wait around for him so we can go home or to work together.
"Where are you, Rox?" he asks when he first picks up the phone.
"Sorry, I was visiting with someone in the art wing. I kinda lost track of time. I'm walking toward the parking lot right now."
"Oh, I see you," he says. "Stay there. Don't move." Then the line goes dead.
I sigh and close the phone, waiting. A couple of moments later a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and tackle me, making me fall face-first into a snow bank. I stand up, teeth chattering, a death glare on my face. Axel is standing in front of me, laughing so hard he's clutching at his sides. I pick up a snowball and nail him right in the middle of his chest. That brings him to his senses. "S-serves you r-right," I shiver.
He laughs and pulls me against him. "Sorry, Roxy. I just couldn't help myself." He brushes the snow out of my hair. "Come on," he says, sweeping me off my feet and running. "I know a great way to get you warm again."
"Axel!" I yell, pounding on his back. "Put me down!"
"Not a chance," he chuckles.
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"What are you working on?" the red-head asked, peering over the blonde's shoulder at the painting he was currently working on. It was late. Roxas thought everyone else in the school would have been long gone by now. But then again this boy had never appeared normal to Roxas. He probably stayed late just to bother Roxas.
"That would be none of your business," he snipped. This was the first time they'd talked since the red-head tried to kiss him. Thankfully, for a few days Roxas had been left in peace at lunch. But peace never last for long, as we all know.
The older boy moved Roxas' arm out of the way so he could look. Roxas couldn't find the strength to protest. "I've always wondered who did these paintings," he said at long last. "Now I know. They're beautiful. You could sell them."
Roxas shook his head. "They're not that good."
For a long time, neither of them said anything. Then the red-head lowered his eyes apologetically. "I'm sorry about… you know. I shouldn't have done that."
To his utter amazement, Roxas found himself shaking his head and saying, "No, it's okay. You were right. I do need help. I just…" his voice trailed off and he felt a stray tear slip down his cheek. When he went to wipe it away, a strong hand gripped his wrist and another hand wiped away the tear. And then they were kissing again. And this time Roxas didn't protest. He gave himself entirely to this stranger whose name he still did not know.
When they parted, Roxas still clung to the older boy. "What's your name?" he whispered.
"Axel,"
he replied. "And your name is Roxas."
"How did you know?"
Axel laughed a little. "I know everything."
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"Axel," I say, pulling on my shoes and gloves, "I'm going out for a run, okay?"
He looks up at me from the bed where he's still lying, completely naked, a quizzical look on his face. "Roxy, we just had amazing sex and now you're telling me that you're going running? I think you just had enough of a workout to get you through a couple days. Plus, you're the one who always complains that your ass hurts."
I grin, deviously, at him. "I know, but once I get to running I'll have the pain in my sides to help me forget about the pain in my ass." What he doesn't understand is that I have to do this. Running has always been my escape and now I don't know how much longer I'll have to do it.
"Do you want me to come with you?" he asks.
"Nah," I reply, shaking my head. Sometimes Axel and I will run together and most of the time he has to try to keep up with me in spite of the fact that he has longer legs. Now I just don't want him to come in case I'm the one who has to keep up with him. Maybe by running I'll just be rushing to death faster than I should be, but I can't help it. "Just have dinner ready when I get back. I won't be gone long."
"Fine," he says, standing up and grabbing something out of our closet. He walks over to me, placing a kiss on my lips, and pulling a hat down over my head. "Just so you won't get a cold."
I shake my head. A cold is the least of my worries, but he doesn't know that. "Thanks." With that said, I turn my back and run out the door, down the stairs, and onto the busy street. We live right in the center of downtown, so there are always people about. But I like it that way. I feel like I can just become another person with no identity and no worries. Running makes me forget. I love the feeling of the wind in my hair and the blood rushing through my veins.
I run past the corner store where Axel works. I run past the ice cream shop where I work. I run past the daycare mom and dad took me to when I was younger and they were still alive. I run past the park where Cloud used to take me to play. I run past memory after memory, forgetting that I'm dying. I don't feel like I'm dying. In fact, I've never felt so alive.
Then I suddenly find myself in front of my brother's house. I stop, putting my hands on my knees, attempting to get air into my lungs. I didn't know I'd run so far. Cloud doesn't live too far away if you drive, but running… it's a hell-of-a long way. My feet move on their own accord and I then I'm knocking on the door even though I haven't seen my brother in ages. A few moments later, Cloud opens the door. "What are you doing here?" he asks. Not the most polite way to greet a brother you haven't seen in awhile, but then again, I wasn't too polite to him the last time we spoke, either.
"Oh, you know," I say nonchalantly, waving my hand in an odd fashion. "I was just out for a little jog and just… managed to get here."
He raises an eyebrow. "I thought you were living downtown. That's not exactly a little jog."
"Listen," I say, "can you at least let me come inside for a little while? It's fucking freezing out here."
He stares at me for a long time, as if trying to figure out my level of sincerity. Finally, he lets out a long sigh and steps to the side, letting me inside the house I spent ten years of my life in. I rub my arms and wriggle my fingers, trying to get feeling back into them.
"So…" Cloud says, pushing me further into the house and shutting the door, blocking out the freezing winter air. "Did that asshole finally kick you out?"
Yeah, let's just say that Axel and Cloud aren't exactly the best of mates. In fact, to put it bluntly, they hate each other. I think it's because they're actually a lot alike. And they're both overly protective of me – at least Cloud used to be. But, you know, love generally comes before family, at least for me when this happened, so the moment I turned eighteen and Cloud no longer had any legal hold over me I ran away to live with Axel - after a long fight with Cloud – and that's where I've been ever since. So basically me showing up on Cloud's doorstep after a year and a half is… well, not that normal. Especially when I live more than a few blocks away.
"No," I say. "Axel did not kick me out. He loves me, Cloud. He'd never do that."
"So then what are you here for?" I wince at all the hurt feelings I hear in his voice. I feel regret for what I did to him, especially since he worked his ass off for me when I was younger and dying – much like I am now. Ha.
"I guess," I say, slowly, looking into his eyes, "that I just wanted to come and apologize."
I see his shoulders relax and then he does something completely unexpected: he steps forward and wraps me in a huge bear-hug. For a second, I don't know what to do, but then I close my eyes and embrace him. "I'm sorry, too," he whispers after a long while. "I never should have been that protective of you when it came to Axel. He's always been good to you, even if he does have a big head." I almost laugh. He does have a point. "I missed you. It's lonely around here without my little brother."
I'm not sure what I expected by coming to Cloud's door, but it definitely wasn't this. I thought he'd at least be really pissed at me. I'm happy that this is how it turned out. "I missed you, too."
He takes a step back and chuckles. "You're just saying that."
"Nah," I respond, punching him in the arm. "I really did."
We share a long laugh and suddenly everything's back to the way it's supposed to be – except one thing and I can't tell him that. Not after we finally have our relationship back.
"You want to stay for dinner?" he asks.
I shake my head. "Actually, I should have been home awhile ago. Axel's probably wondering where I'm at…"
"Then, would you like a ride?"
I look up at him and smile, thankful. It's already dark outside and freezing cold. "That would be awesome."
On the drive back, we talk about trivial things for awhile and we share a few laughs. Then I ask him something that's been bothering me for awhile. "Are you dating anyone, Cloud?"
He looks taken aback for a moment before his entire face lights up in a smile. "I am, actually." I can see by the look in his eyes that he's in love. Maybe this is why he welcomed me back so easily: he knows what it's like to be completely smitten with someone.
When he pulls in front of my apartment building, I say goodbye and give him a hug before opening the door. But he grabs my arm, forcing me to turn and look at him. "Bro, if you ever need anything feel free to come by. Or I can come pick you up. Anything." I can tell from the pleading look in his eyes that he really means it.
"Thanks," I say, giving him another hug. "I'll be sure to take you up on that offer."
Axel is pacing by the time I unlock the door to our apartment. He nearly pounces on me. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well," I say, "I kinda ended up at Cloud's house and we sorta sorted everything out and then he gave me a ride home."
"Roxas," he says and I know it's serious because he never says my whole name unless it's serious. "Cloud's house is miles and miles away."
I shrug. "I know that, Axel. I'm sorry." He pulls me into his arms and I suddenly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down again. We haven't talked about what happened the night before when I started crying after we made love, but I know he's curious. I'm just scared. I'm scared for myself, but mostly I'm scared for Axel and what he's going to do when I'm gone.
"At least tell me next time, okay?" he whispers.
Nodding, I nuzzle closer to him, taking in his warmth, his solidness, his realness. Death isn't real to me yet, but Axel is. He's right here in front of me. I can touch him, hold him, cling to him, love him. I love him so much it hurts. And I know I will love him even after I've left this earth far behind. And I'll be waiting for him to come join me one day, one day.
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Babblings: Well there you have chapter three. I just couldn't help but put Namine in this story. You'll find out what happened exactly with Axel and Cloud later.
Review! You know you want to!