Chapter 6: Silent Pleas?
He didn't even have time to gasp and check to see if he had woken his brother. Springing from his bed he ran into the bathroom, and dropped to his knees in front of the bathtub. He wouldn't have had time to take the two extra steps to the toilet and then aim over the opening, so the tub was a safer option. Heaving was the only sound heard in the motel room, it was almost deafening in the silence of the town.
The door to bathroom stood open, the bathroom light hadn't been turned on, so Sam sat on the tile floor in complete shadow. The images of his vision flashed through his mind, torturing him and urging him to continue his now dry heaving. When the images finally slowed so that he could at least focus on the pictures in his mind, which still made him sick to his stomach, instead of flashing behind his eyes, disorienting him and feeding the pressure in his brain.
His entire body shook and his muscles ached from the cramps that followed the strain his body had just put on itself. He no longer had to just imagine what it would have been like to scream and be ignored, he had witnessed it first hand and had been the only one to see the fear in the young woman's eyes.
There had been more than just fear and desperation present in her stare. There had been longing, longing for a saviour to rescue her from what she wished was a nightmare. Pain radiated from her, burning into his soul as her eyes had settled on his. She had sent out one last plea to him before her eyes went glassy and slowly dulled, the strength, life and happiness draining from the blue orbs.
Sam dropped so that he was seated on the floor, and pushed himself backwards so that he was leaning against a wall wedged between the tub and the open door. He sat there quietly, lightly clawing at his head, trying to force the images from his mind. He took to rhythmically rocking ever -so-slightly, clutching his head, not making a noise.
Dean began to wake just as the last of the heaves had subsided. He slowly opened his eyes not quite sure as to why he was awake. He couldn't hear anything that would explain why his sleep had been disturbed. Out of habit he glanced at his brother's bed and seeing that Sam wasn't there Dean took his second guess and glanced to where the laptop resided. His brow furrowed in confusion.
Okay Sammy, not in bed…not on the computer and it's…aww shit…3 in the morning. I guess that leaves the bathroom doesn't it. Can't you ever learn how to hold it? He thought to himself as he slowly sat up in bed and swung his legs over the edge. Standing he started to walk to the bathroom, noting as he went that Sam's blankets were half strewn across the floor as if his brother had ripped himself from the sheets.
Dean's pace quickened as he neared the door , seeing it was open but there was no light on inside. He stepped in and felt for the light switch, bracing himself as he found and flicked the switch. He gave himself a few moments for his eyes to adjust before glancing around the bathroom.
Come one bro. Where are you Sam? I swear to god if you went out…
His thoughts trailed off as he stepped into the bathroom slightly further and caught sight of the bathtub. Whirling on his heels, Dean swung the door out of the way in order to get a better look at the mess in the tub and his throat suddenly squeezed shut.
He dropped to his knees and reached for the trembling form in front of him. He grasped his baby brother's shoulders and lightly shook him. Sam didn't respond so Dean shook a little harder.
Come on Sam!! Snap out of it dammit! I can't talk to you and I'm sorry but you gotta come back Sammy!
Sam finally stopped rocking and stilled. He didn't lift his head and Dean placed his hands to the sides of Sam's head in attempt to lift it to look at him. When Sam's head came up Dean was surprised not to see tears on his brother's face that usually accompanied the rocking Sam had been demonstrating moments ago. Instead Dean was met with a very lonely gaze, one that ripped into his heart.
I should have been here. Why didn't I hear him earlier? God Sammy, I'm sorry…
Sam met his eyes and the loneliness slowly receded and was replaced by a haunting look. The younger unwrapped his arms from around his legs and slowly uncurled himself so that Dean could help him off the ground. He was still sore from being sick earlier but overall he didn't feel so bad anymore, which he attributed solely to Dean. As soon as Dean had appeared in his sights, Sam's loneliness had disappeared and he was comforted.
I'm going to have to tell him what I saw. Jeez, and if that isn't going to be uncomfortable enough I'm going to have to do it on a computer screen.
Both boys were now fully awake. Dean sat his brother at the table where Sam reached out for his laptop and sluggishly dragged it back towards him. While the young man booted up the machine, Dean returned to the bathroom and ran water through the tub to try to clean up. Once he had completed that task he grabbed a towel and drenched it in cool water. He could hear the tapping of computer keys as he wrung out the cloth and exited the bathroom.
He sat next to Sam and placed the cloth on the back of Sam's neck to help cool him down and ease whatever headache he was suffering right now. Sam continued typing, his face changing every now and then and Dean figured it was when some parts became hard to remember or just too horrifying. Sam even stopped a few times, not sure he wanted to keep going but Dean would place a hand on his shoulder and silently urge him to continue.
I've got to admit…it's easier than actually saying it out loud. I don't know if I could open my mouth again without something coming out, and it wouldn't be an explanation.
Sam finally completed his story and hesitantly pushed it to Dean, who accepted it and turned the screen to him the rest of the way. Sam removed the cloth from the back of his neck and wiped his face down, leaving the cool material on his forehead and closing his eyes. His head had started to calm down earlier but now it felt like the pounding was increasing yet again. He wanted to shut out the light and go back to sleep but was afraid to, as usual. But even more than that he didn't want to watch his brother's face as he read over Sam's report on what he had been forced to watch, to see the disgust and horror, then the concern and lastly, the guilt.
Dean read the document, holding his emotions inside. He couldn't believe his brother had to watch these inhumane acts, and he couldn't understand how his brother always seemed strong enough to recover from the physical and mental torture in time to save these people, or at least to try. As he finished reading he leaned back.
God Sammy. I'm so sorry! Why does this have to happen to you? I should have been there! I'm so sorry.
Dean's thoughts cried freely but his face held firm. No dam was going to break visibly. He'd stay strong for his brother and reassure him. He didn't want Sam to know just how scared Dean really was about everything. About Sam's powers, the demon, the secret, the fact that their father was gone and never coming back, so many countless other things. And now to top it all off, they couldn't talk to each other and Sam was forced to witness and deal with these visions alone.
While Dean had been reading, Sam had the cloth on his head, the pounding growing in intensity to the point where he lost bearings on his surroundings. At that moment Sam could only think of one thing, wanted one thing. He wanted to hear his brother. He wanted to hear Dean tell him that everything was gonna be okay, that they were going to figure this out. And strangely enough he found himself begging to hear Dean call him Sammy. Just once.
He didn't notice as Dean finished reading and leaned back. Suddenly the pain disappeared from his brain and his head snapped up. He stared at his brother confused and frightened. Dean was looking at him, clearly not knowing why the awestruck expression on his brother's face was there. Clarity reached Sam and he took the laptop from Dean and brought it around to face him so that Dean could not see what it said.
When he was done he passed it back to Dean but didn't turn it. He only stared at his big brother. As Dean took the computer his eyes never left Sam as he turned the screen to face him. He finally took his eyes off of his brother and read the message.
"Don't be sorry Dean."