the perfect drug

warnings: I seem to be making a theme of it today. Slash (nothing explicit). Dark content.

The perfect drug is an escape.

With the perfect drug, everything can melt away and for a little bit, just a little while...all the bad stuff, the terrible stuff that is crushing down on you and makes you feel like you're never going to be able to take a breath again...it goes away and you can breathe.

--

Dean found his escape in his brother.

Being with Sam was like a constant mantra of homesafelove...

But for how long can that last?

How do you hide from the truth?

If you can't save your brother you're going to have to kill him

Can you hide from it by hiding behind it?

Deny.

Deny.

Deny. Sam is mine. Good. Safe.

Dean didn't know but he was willing to try. He was willing to try anything that numbed him to a near reality that meant he would lose his brother to his own hand.

"I'm going to save you Dean." Sam promised his eyes so filled with innocence and care that Dean couldn't--refused to--believe what he'd been told.

Don't, he wanted to beg, please don't save me Sammy...because I don't know if I can save you.

--

Its a funny thing though about drugs, because pretty soon you build up a tolerance to them, and when you do reality hits you like a knife stabbed through your heart.

It might have been the first time he talked to a demon and didn't kill her.

It might have been the time that he killed someone being possessed without trying to save them.

But the first time Dean realized, allowed himself to realize was the day he woke up and saw his brother standing over his bed with a knife in his hand.

"Sammy..." Dean's voice was barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry Dean…" Sam looked at his brother, his eyes filled with regret.

"No," Dean said, looking at his brother not the knife. "I am." He'd been so busy hiding from the reality he'd actually believed that maybe he'd saved his brother. He didn't, he failed him, he let Sam become the one thing he'd begged Dean not to let him become.

The knife came down in one swift moment, his brother's blood splattering across Sam's face and cutting right into his heart because evil or not, Dean was still Sam's drug; and evil or not, Sam wanted always to have his brother's heart.

Sam would keep it with him, having his brother's heart was his perfect drug. A reminder of unconditional love.

Demon or not, he couldn't survive without it.