Chapter 11

Inara hurried into her shuttle, walked over to the dresser, and on impulse picked up a glass figurine and flung it against the wall.She breathed deeply a few times, trying to seek the inner calm she was usually so good at garnering.

Hunched over, hands on the dresser, she closed her eyes and breathed rhythmically, slowly feeling the calm return to her being. Her thoughts so easily ran to Mal, but she focused on keeping them clear and neutral. Somewhere along the line, she had lost her heart, as well as her self-control. Mei-Li would be devastated, Inara mused, and a small smile lifted the side of her mouth.

"Inara?" a tentative voice came from behind her. The sound of the voice was coupled with the crunching of glass as the person stepped over the remnants of the figurine and made their way into the room.

Composing her features, Inara nodded her assent for the person to enter, but didn't turn around.

"I don't mean to pry… it's just you looked so mad when you left dinner, I just wanted to check that you were alright," said Kaylee gently.

Inara breathed deeply once more, and then turned to face her friend. Smiling, she walked over to Kaylee, arms outstretched; she took both her friend's hands in her own and led her over to the sofa.

"Thank you for worrying about me. But I'm fine," Inara said bravely as she settled next to Kaylee on the sofa.

Kaylee squeezed Inara's hand and said skeptically, "You didn't look fine a minute ago. And I just stepped over glass because you threw something! You never throw things!"

"I ruined everyone's dinner-well, Mal ruined everyone's dinner," Inara amended. "But I played a part, and I'm sorry for that. And that figurine was nothing but an old trinket. About time I got rid of it."

"What's goin' on with you two?" Kaylee asked desperately. "This ain't like either of ya. You're both acting all kinds of crazy!"

Inara broke eye contact with Kaylee and said softly, "we'veboth changed, Kaylee."

"So much that you can't even live on Serenity anymore? That you can't even be in the same room together?" Kaylee looked distraught. "I can't think of anythin' more…" she seemed to struggle to find the right word, "…sad."

"I know, Kaylee. And I'm sorry. But my time on Serenity has finally come to an end. No matter what fantasies I might have briefly entertained about staying on board, my place isn't here any longer."

"You actually considered stayin'?" asked Kaylee, surprised.

Inara laughed dryly."Can you believe it? For a minute I got caught up on the way things used to be, and tonight proved that we can't live in the past any longer. I have to move on with my life. And that doesn't include being here."

Kaylee's eyes brimmed with tears. "Does that include me? And Simon and River? And Book and Jayne?" The tears spilt over."And the Cap'n?"

Inara's heart broke."Oh Kaylee,honey, of course not. You will always be a part of my life." Inara stroked Kaylee's hair from her face and said, "I'll send you waves, and when you're in the area, you could come and visit."

Kaylee wiped her wet cheek and shook her head. "The Cap'n will wanna be on the opposite side of whatever part of the 'verse you're occupyin'."

Inara's heart sank."I know." Perking up, she said, "But we'll find a way."

"You could always come visit us," Kaylee said hopefully.

Inara shook her head slowly. "I think we both know that when I leave Serenity, I won't be coming back."

"Don't say that!" Kaylee wailed. But she knew Inara was right. The tears she'd mostly held in check spilt over and she launched herself into Inara's arms. "I'm gonna miss you somethin' awful Jei-Jei," she said. Her voice was muffled against Inara's shoulder. "It's

like we're saying goodbye all over again. And it's even harder than the last time."

Hugging her friend back fiercely, Inara whispered, "I'm going to miss you too,Mei-Mei."

--

Back in his quarters, Mal sat down on the chair at his desk for a minutebefore getting up and pacing again. He'd been doing the same thing for the past hour.

Gorramit! He'd been trying to work through what Saffron had told him and it still didn't make any sense! He played over the events in questionin his mind.

He remembered Saffron tryin' to seduce him – and succeeding. He remembered kissin' her and then almost immediately feeling the effect of the drug she'd put on her lips. That's when he'd passed out and he didn't remember another thing until he'd come to.

He'd been in his room, the Doc tendin' to him. Inara had also been there, claimin' at the time to have tripped and fell when she'd found him. He'd never believed that. Inara was the most graceful woman he knew. Ain't a thing that woman would be trippin' over. He had been suspicious of her then, and that had led him to believin' she'd kissed Saffon. Hell, he'd seen some of her clients, and some of them had been women. So thinkin' that she had kissed Saffon wasn't that far off.

But if she didn't trip, and what Saffron said was true, she had found him on the floor - and kissed him. But he'd asked her… hadn't he? He'd gone into her shuttle and told her that he was onto her… and he had told her that he knew she had kissed Saffron. And she'd agreed. Gorramit, hadn't she?

Inara'd looked guilty, then shocked, then …relieved.

Mal's stomach jolted at the thought. But what if she had been tryin' to revive him? Maybe she'd thought he Iwasn't breathin? Mal sighed. Except, why hide that fact and claim she had tripped and knocked her head, therefore explaining why she was also unconscious when the Doc found us?!

Mal sat on the edge of his bunk and started unbuttoning his shirt. The only person who had any answers was Inara. And he was darned sure she didn't wanna be seein anythin' but his back.

Mal laid down and closed his eyes. But all he saw was Inara's face when she stormed out of the room earlier that evening. Turning on his side, he tried to think of something else. And all he managed to see was Inara's face on the day he'd first met her. Tossing to his other side, his luck was no better.

She was on his mind, and no matter how much he tried to avoid it; she was there to stay.

Wuh De Ma, if he wasn't gettin' any sleep, then neither would she! Hastily buttoning up his shirt, Mal left his room and headed to Inara's shuttle. He was gettin' to the bottom of this tonight!

Serenity was quiet as Mal made his way through the ship. Walking through the common area, he was surprised when he spotted Jayne sitting at the table having a drink with Saffron, who sat opposite him. They seemed to be having an animated conversation.

"Not on your life Jayney. All I will say is, you ain't experienced nothin' like it," she said seductively.

"Come on, Saffron, you gotta tell me what it was like. I-nara is a fine woman. A whore, but I aint got nothin' against 'um."

Saffron tracked the Captain's movement across the room and out the other side. She knew where he was headed. Pity, she thought. Mal definitely wasn't her type, but he was kinda cute. But so was the man in front of her. Crude, but cute. Jayne was proving to be a surprising and welcome distraction.

"Cap'n," said Jayne, before going back to interrogating Saffron.

Mal passed them without saying anything, but acknowledged Jayne with a nod.

A couple yards from the entrance to the shuttle, Mal stood on the platform overlooking the cargo bay and took a minute to compose himself. Busting in there wouldn't be helpin' the situation any. A plan. He needed a plan. He would knock, real polite, and ask Inara if she would be willing to talk. He would try to keep his temper under control. They would get to the bottom of this mess.

And then what? his conscience whispered. You're either in it to win it, Reynolds, or you're wasting your time.

Mal kicked a drum standing in his way out of sheer frustration. Not really knowing what he was doing, or where this was going, Mal sucked it all up and walked towards the shuttle door. Once there, hepuffed out a nervous breath, rolled his shoulders to relieve the sudden tension in them, and raised his hand to knock on the door.

The door opened before his knuckles made contact with it. Kaylee's eyes widened when she saw him there.

She shooed him out the doorway and said loudly, "See ya tomorrow 'Nara! Sleep well!" before hurriedly closing the door behind her.

"Captain!" she hissed fiercely. "Haven't you caused enough trouble tonight?!"

"I ain't-" talking normally, Mal was forced to lower his tone as Kaylee put her fingers to her lips, effectively hushing him again. "I ain't here to cause a fuss-"

"What were you thinkin' earlier?" she asked outraged. "Speakin' to Inara like that! How could you?" Kaylee's voice had risen a little and Mal arched his eyebrow, causing her to lower her tone again. The urgent whispering continued, "I don't think you should be here Captain. So…"she waved him away, "best be goin' to your room."

Mal smiled in amusement. "Kaylee, Darlin', I ain't here askin' for your permission."

Before Kaylee could respond, the door she had just closed slid open, "Kaylee, honey, did you forget something?"

Inara stopped short when she saw Mal in the doorway. Pulling the lapels of her nightgown tighter around herself, she said, "Mal, Kaylee?"

Trying in vain to pull Mal along with her, Kaylee said, "The Cap'n was just passin' by, weren't you Cap'n?" Kaylee glared at Mal, waiting for him to acquiesce to her statement.

"Passing by my doorway, which leads to a dead end?" asked Inara skeptically.

Kaylee laughed nervously. "You know the Cap'n, always wandering where he isn't wanted."

"Darned if that doesn't hurt my feelins some, little Kaylee," said Mal. If it wasn't so important that he speak to Inara, Mal would have been mighty amused. "Actually, I was here hoping to talk to you Inara," he stated simply.

"Now isn't such a great idea-" Kaylee began cautiously.

"Do you promise to try and behave like a normal human being?" Inara asked abruptly.

Mal snorted. "Normal? What's that supposed to mean?"

"A simple yes or no will suffice. Captain."

"Fine! But I object to your comment."

"Your opinion is noted. Please, come in. But one inappropriate word, Mal, and I'll punch you myself."

Well, this is going to go well,ain't it? thought Kaylee. Out loudshe said, "Night Cap'n! Inara!"

Mal disappeared into the shuttle and Inara turned to Kaylee. Seeing her worried look, Inara said, "It's fine. Don't worry. Go to bed. Go!"

Kaylee sent another look of dismay her way before turning and making her way to her room.

Inara breathed deeply, closed the door, and walked into her shuttle. Mal was pacing. "You wanted to talk?" she asked.

"Again, no place for pleasantness, I see."

Inara just raised her eyebrow inquiringly and waited.

Mal stopped pacing abruptly and said, "You kissed me, Inara. You never kissed Saffron. You kissed me. Why?"

Inara blanched. Her mouth went dry and for the first time, she had no idea what to say. "I- Mal- well, I don't-"

"Do you deny it? A simple yes or no will suffice," said Mal. "Yes or no?"

Glossary:

Jei-Jei – Big sister

Mei-Mei – Little sister

Wuh De Ma – Mother of God

Author's Note:

To my beta reader, captainjackwabbit:

You have been a light for me.

THANK YOU.