THE GATES OF HELL

CHAPTER 11

It was the Fourth of July and David had accompanied his brother and his mother to the fireworks display at the park near Rachel's house. David would be returning to Bay City in a few days and he wanted to make the most out of the time he had left to spend with his mother. The years apart had left a rift between David and Nicky. The two brothers were literally strangers to one another and even though David had tried, Nicky had his own life that David would never be a part of. He had separated from David and his mother as soon as they arrived at the park, wandering off in the crowd by himself.

There were several activities going on at the park that day, a flea market, a farmer's market, arts and craft booths, a wide variety of food concessions and a small carnival for the kids in the crowd. For the first time since he'd come home, David seemed to be relaxed and having a good time. He socialized with some old friends and flirted with all the pretty girls. He seemed more like himself again, not as tense or on edge as he had been. Rachel smiled as she watched him, hoping that he was finally starting to adjust to being back home again.

When it started to get dark, David and his mother found a place to sit on a hill overlooking the fireworks display and spread out the blanket Rachel had brought for them to sit on so they would be comfortable. As soon as it was dark enough, the fireworks started with flashing flares of shining color and loud explosions of sound. Suddenly, David shoved himself to his feet and walked away, disappearing into the crowd. "DAVID!" Rachel called out after him, as she jumped to her feet and tried to catch up with him but she lost sight of him in the horde of people in the park. The fireworks display forgotten, Rachel continued to search for her eldest son.

Finally, she spotted David sitting on top of a picnic table at the far end of the park near the playground. "David?" Rachel said softly, taking care not to startle him as she came up behind him. "Are you all right, son?"

"I just had to get away from the noise…." David told her with a deep shuddering breath, his voice soft with shame, embarrassed by his actions. Rachel kept silent, knowing that there was more. "The fireworks…..they sounded just like the bombs over in 'Nam…." He finally said in a choked voice, his words short and clipped. Suddenly, David broke down and started to cry, hunching over and hugging himself as he began to rock back and forth. Instinctively, Rachel reached out and pulled her son into her arms, holding him close and letting him cry. It had never occurred to Rachel to associate the sounds of the fireworks display with the sounds of battle in Viet Nam.

"Shhhh….." she said soothingly, as she ran her fingers through her son's tousled curls the same way she used to do when he was a child and needed to be comforted. "It's okay….you're home now, baby….you're not over there anymore…."

"That's just it, Ma." David said with a muffled sniff against her shoulder "I am still over there….I can't get it out of my head. I close my eyes and I'm back there again…" Rachel held tightly as he continued to cry, knowing that this was what David needed more than anything else. He might have grown up quicker than he should have but at the moment he was a child again needing the comfort of his mother's embrace. Finally, David seemed to get control of himself and slowly pulled out of his mother's arms. Rachel remained at his side, patiently waiting for him to talk to her.

"Go on, David. Get it out….it'll help to talk about it." She told him in an encouraging voice.

"It was horrible over there…." David told her in a whisper, struggling to keep his emotions under control. "I was so scared all the time….I watched some of my best friends get killed right in front of me…..a couple of them even died in my arms. I was so afraid that it'd be me the next time…." He paused and swallowed hard to regain his composure "Then I got caught…" his voice trailed off and Rachel squeezed his hand gently. She knew this part of his story would be the hardest part for him to talk about and the hardest part for her to hear. "They put us in these cages like we were nothing but animals….and that's all we were to them." He stopped unable to go on as the horrors of the camp flooded back into his mind. "They hurt me, Ma….they hurt me so bad." Rachel felt her own tears flooding her eyes as David began to cry again, burying his face against her shoulder once more as he sought the security of her arms. Rachel continued to hold him until he had no tears left to cry. Still he stayed in the loving warmth of her embrace, too exhausted emotionally to move. For just a few more moments he wanted to stay a child again and pretend that the horrors he had experienced as a man had never happened.

"Oh, Davy…" Rachel said, using his childhood name affectionately. She cupped his chin in her hand, tilting his head so she could look into his eyes. She smiled fondly. He looked so much like his late father that it was almost unnerving. She tried to find the words to soothe his battered spirit. "No man should ever have to see what you saw, to do what they made you do, to be hurt the way they hurt you……not even in the name of freedom. No mother wants to think about her son being hurt the way you were…not to be able to something to take away that pain." She sighed softly and touched her forehead to David's in a childhood sign of affection and love she had used with both of her children. "I can't take away your pain, darling….all I can do is be here when you need me."

"I'll always need you, Ma…." David said, wrapping his arms around his mother's petite waist and squeezing tightly. He had his emotions tightly under control once more and was determined not to worry his mother any more than he already had.

The fireworks display was over and most of the crowd had gone home when Rachel and David finally left the park. David was quiet and subdued, still embarrassed by his emotional breakdown in front of his mother. It was hard to cope with to a world that didn't want him there, filled with protestors that resented and hated what he represented.

Protestors who would never understand what it was really like over there. Idealists who listened to the 'vanilla' news reports about what went on over there and then took things out of context to fit their own radical ideas.

David went to his room as soon as they got home, politely refusing his mother's offer to make some hot chocolate. Right now, he just needed to be alone. Tossing his duffle bag onto the bed, he opened it up and dug through it until he found the two small boxes buried in the bottom. Pulling them out of their hiding place, he opened one to reveal the Bronze Star, a medal he had received for meritorious service and bravery. Closing the box with a sharp snap, he opened the second box to reveal a Purple Heart, the highest medal awarded by the military, and one he had been given because of the wounds he had received in the service of his county. To David, the medals were just pieces of metal that represented nothing but pain, blood, sweat and tears. He had never felt that he deserved them. Walking over to the closet, he opened the door and hid the medals in the corner of the overheard shelf behind a pile of his old comic books. They represented a part of his life that he wanted to forget about. He no longer had any idea who in the hell David Michael Starsky was supposed to be.

He threw himself down across his bed without bothering to undress and threw his arm up over his eyes, trying to calm his racing thoughts so that he could sleep. He needed a good night's sleep, undisturbed by the nightmares that still woke him each night with a silent scream on his lips. He was still awake when he heard Nicky creeping in just before dawn. A short time later, he heard his mother moving around downstairs in the kitchen and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee drifted up the stairs. Shoving himself out of bed, David went downstairs to join his mother in the kitchen.

"Good morning." Rachel said brightly, sitting a cup of coffee on the table in front of him along with a plate of blueberry pancakes. "How did you sleep last night?"

"Okay." David said, lowering his eyes, as he took a cautious sip of the coffee. His mother had added plenty of sugar and cream, just the way he liked it. He had stopped smoking and was on edge from the withdrawal symptoms from the nicotine. The excess sugar helped to soothe his ragged nerves while the caffine gave him a much needed morning jolt. But nothing could hide the barely noticable tremble in his hands, especially from the sharp eyes of his mother.

Rachel took one look at her son's drawn face and the exhausted look in his eyes and she knew that he was lying to her about sleeping but she decided to let it slide. Whatever demons he was battling, he would have to battle them alone. All she could do was be there to pick up the pieces if he needed her to. She knew that he would be going back to California in a few days. She had debated about trying to talk him into staying in New York but she knew that this wasn't his home anymore. It hadn't been since he was thirteen. She made a mental note to call Al and Rosie before he left to alert them to his current mental state. Maybe Al could help. He'd been in his own war and fought his own demons when he returned.

Rachel stepped to his side and affectionately ruffled his thick curls. Dropping a kiss on his cheek, she said "Eat. You're still too thin. David smiled faintly as he did as his mother ordered.