Snape was lounging in the staff room, sipping a cup of coffee trying to surreptitiously add a mysterious clear, vodka-smelling liquid from a small hip flask when he thought that no one was looking.
"Speaking of over-achievers, have you heard the rumors about our own Miss Granger?" Madame Sprout, ever the gossipy bitch, practically shook with excitement because her goddman plants made her so boring. She got her thrills from the drama of other's lives.
"Miss Granger is ten times the witch you'll ever be." Professor McGonagall gave Madame Sprout a sharp glance, secretly hurt that no one had exciting rumors to spread about her.
"Can it, you cow face! I'm talking to Professor Flitwick." Madame Sprout carefully pulled her blouse slightly lower and batted her eyelashes in the tiny professor's direction.
Professor Flitwick, struggling to keep his head above the table by balancing on a pile of books and coffee mugs, gave Snape a knowing thumbs up. That love potion he'd asked for was working wonders – Snape was also pleased with his end of the bargain. Ideally they'd never find the bodies.
"So Pomona, you were saying before you were rudely interrupted by an ugly old hag…" He prompted her.
"Word on the cobblestone street is that Miss Granger is preggaroni!" She tittered.
"She transfigured herself into some kind of pasta?" Professor Flitwick was not up to date on the latest slang…nor was Madame Sprout.
"I think what my insensitive colleague is trying to say is that she has a wizard bun in the coven." Professor McGonagall glared at the two. "Wait, what?" Professor McGonagall was shocked once she had processed the information. How could Hermione not tell her? After she had confided in her student that she had a huge box full of baby clothes rotting in her closet that she had kept even after she realized that no one would ever love her. "That bitch." She seethed inaudibly.
"What?" Snape looked up disinterestedly from his coffee. "People all still talking about that?"
"You knew about this, Severus?" McGonagall stared at him in disbelief.
Snape shrugged. "Yeah. She was crying or something. I was kind of busy."
"She went to you for help?" McGonagall felt faint.
Snape decided to make things worse.
"Of course. I was the first person that she ran to, crying out her little muggle-born eyes."
Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"Then who's the father?"
"Um…" Snape was starting to wish he'd paid more attention. "It was…it was…Potter!" He finally spat. "It's always Potter. Just like him to leave some poor girl in tears."
"I never would have believed it." Professor McGonagall looked down sadly. "Ten points from Gryffindor."
"I think Hermione will be a great mother!" Professor Sprout giggled.
"She's seventeen." Snape gave her a scathing look.
Professor Flitwick flinched under Snape and McGonagall's judgmental gazes in the face of his taste in women.
"Eh…where's Albus?" He offered at length.
"Oh, he said that he had some errands to run." Professor Sprout grinned vapidly at the ceiling.
The four froze in the face of Dumbledore's steely gaze. There was a pregnant silence. It gave birth to Ron's quaking voice.
"We didn't say baby…we said maybe." He said quickly. Too quickly.
"You mean to tell me that Miss Granger is overjoyed that you shall all help her raise her 'maybe'?"
"How long were you listening to our conversation?" Ginny gave the headmaster an annoyed look, as she had grown hella balls.
Dumbledore winked. "Long enough." He tapped his nose.
"Uuhhh." Ron wailed numbly in falsetto. He wasn't even aware that he was making the noise.
"So I take it that Mr. Weasley is the father, then." Dumbledore noted and the sound issuing from Ron went up a further octave.
"Nothing gets by you, sir." Harry continued his tradition of ass kissing. It just helped him get through life so much easier.
"It's…it's true, sir." Hermione looked at the floor.
Dumbledore's look softened.
"Miss Granger," He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "I heard about this from Severus. He really didn't handle the situation all that well and I wanted to make sure that you were doing okay. Please don't be ashamed – what happened is a natural part of life. Those of us around you who love you will offer our support so that you and your child can have the bright future that you deserve."
Hermione, stunned for a moment, burst out into tears and flung her arms around him. Dumbledore patted her back as she wailed,
"I promised myself that I would stop fucking crying all the time, but that was just so beautiful, sir."
Ginny, too, had a tear in her eye and her brother was conveniently staring at the wall behind him. Harry had a strange smile on his face, as he had stopped paying attention and was imagining fighting dragons for clues to puzzles. He just really liked puzzles.
"I think we ought to sit down and have a frank discussion about how to proceed." Dumbledore gestured and they all took a seat on the plush crimson furniture. Hermione took some steadying breaths and calmed down.
"Well, I've done some thinking and I don't want to give up my education." She began.
"Very good. I agree." Dumbledore smiled.
"So, while I'm going to school, Ron will stay at home and watch the baby. We'll support ourselves off of the money Harry makes whoring himself out to the media and corporate sponsorships. Ginny will invest her time learning to be a professional quidditch player so that she can support us all once Harry becomes old enough to have an unsightly, angular face and can't be shown on the cover of teen magazines anymore. Ginny, I believe in you. You're amazing at quidditch."
"Aw, shucks." Ginny blushed.
"…I see. Well, while I applaud you for not wanting to give up your own education, I don't see how it's necessarily fair to do so at the cost of three people's futures. I mean, seriously…quidditch? You're banking on that? Do you know how many people actually make a career out of that? Twelve. For all of Britain."
"Oh." Hermione looked crestfallen. "I suppose you're right."
"And you, Harry and Ron, don't you have dreams? Things you want to accomplish in life?" Dumbledore implored the two.
"Heh heh…dragons." Harry laughed unnervingly.
"I can read at a grade six reading level…I always just figured that my family would support me, to be honest." Ron sighed.
"Well, I'm not letting any of you kids give up your education and futures! No child left behind – actually!"
"But then what about my baby?" Hermione brought them all back to square one. "Someone has to take care of it while we're in school."
"What about my mother?" Ginny started to suggest.
"NO!" Everyone responded.
"She has enough babies." Ron patted her on the shoulder.
"Well, Miss Granger, it may surprise you to know that you are not the first, nor the only student in this situation at Hogwarts. The previous headmasters instituted a transfer program to the Forbidden Forest in order to cover up the situation. The ensuing civilization in the woods is quite fascinating, but no real solution." He sighed.
"There are people living in the Forbidden Forest?" Ron looked faint.
"Yes. Why did you think it was forbidden? We try to our best to hide the facts of life from you, otherwise your parents make everything a nightmare with their incessant complaints."
"Well…I'm glad you're not going to ship me off to the woods." Hermione felt indignant at the fate of pregnant couples before her.
"I've decided to start a daycare. I think it's time to re-integrate the wood people into our society and education system. Should you like, your child can go to daycare while you and your friends take classes. I'm also opening a new wing of the school to be used by young families so that they can receive the support they need. I must admit that I was disappointed at how little critical response I received from my muggle-loving ways. Hopefully my support of teen pregnancy instead of short-sighted contempt will evoke enough ire to make people think." Dumbledore then hummed the song for 'the more you know'.
"Well, I'm about to vomit silently in my mouth. How's about some puzzling? We've been talking about baby drama and feel good left wing solutions for way too long." Harry started paying attention again.
"This is true. And the genre for this fanfic does say 'comedy' instead of 'feel good left wing', so I think it's time for an abrupt ending." Dumbledore effectively shattered the fourth wall and ruined whatever twisted remains were left of this story. "Let us all go and celebrate with a midnight snack, I'm feeling a mite peckish." He patted his sunken old man belly.
"Hooray~!" Everyone cheered.
And then the background blurred to indicate the passage of time, the lengths of which will become clear with the description that is to follow this sentence.
Although the child daycare plan for Hogwarts initially sparked much public outcry and accusations that Dumbledore was advocating pre-marital sex and pregnancy among teenagers, parents still sent their children to Hogwarts because that was just the thing to do. Also, critics were eventually forced to admit that abandoning pregnant couples in the woods was slightly more barbaric.
Hermione gave birth to a healthy baby girl who she and Ron named Azalea. All four pseudo-parents finished their education and moved on to successful careers. The four lived in a duplex – Hermione and Ginny inhabited the top floor while Ron and Harry the bottom.
Ron was overjoyed that he could greet his best friend and one true love everyday that Harry returned home from being a wizarding puzzlemaster. Harry would often bid and win many contracts to design security systems based on the very latest puzzles that he could come up with. To date, his puzzles were far too frightening and psychotic for anyone to ever break through. Despite the fact that they had no children together, biological or otherwise, Ron was a stay-at-home dad. He made spending money with a cat walking business of his own design. Because he was the only game in town, he did quite well for himself.
Out of spite over Dumbledore's comments, Ginny became one of the most successful, celebrated, and hot quidditch players ever. She was given several humanitarian awards for being openly gay, and sparked a revolution of tolerance. But only in professional sports. Hermione earned her post-doctorate in Theoretical Mathmagic, was the author of several little-read and award-winning books on the subject. She was also honorary speaker at the Magical Stripper's Association. Those women worked hard and deserved to be treated like human and humanoid beings.
And together, they raised the beautiful and joyful Azalea, who brought light into their lives. Their love for each other continued to bind them together into a child-raising collective the likes of which had never been seen. And so, by the time Azalea had graduated from the school, she was elected President of the World.
THE END