If You Ever Come Back
And if you're out there trying to move on, but something pulls you back again.
I'm sitting here trying to persuade you like you're in the same room. And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder. And I wish you could still give me a hard time. And I wish I could still wish it was over.
He often found himself talking to her, even though she was long gone. Especially when he found himself drunk in the back yard, sat all alone. He had to be alone. Otherwise the rest of the team would all think he'd finally snapped and gone round the twist with how much he talked to 'himself'. Even though he was actually talking to her, as if she was still right there beside him. As if he hadn't driven her half a continent away. As if talking to himself, or even directly to her, could change anything now, after what he'd done.
"So if you lied to Jesse when you told him you were ok, why don't you tell me the truth? I lay on your side of the bed every night just trying to get some sleep but I only make it worse for myself because it still smells like your shampoo. Ever since the way you left, how we left it, I don't sleep. I haven't slept yet, and it's been four damn months T."
"If you're trying to move on, stop. I'm talking to myself trying to convince you like you were here for Christ sake. You can't do this to us. You're driving me crazy."
"I wish you were still here to get angry and give me the cold shoulder, still here giving me a hard time. I know I have a hell of both coming for what I did. But you can't ever get yours back from 3000 miles away!"
"Damn I wish I could still wish it was over. That I hadn't managed to end things so well. The one damn thing in my messed up life I ever didn't fuck up is the one thing I wish I could take back and I did it too well to manage. And even if wishing is a waste of time, and even if you're out there never thinking about me, I still kept everything just the way you left it. The key is still taped exactly where I told you it always was so you can get in if you show up and no one is here or no one hears you. I have nothing worth stealing that you haven't already taken anyway."
"Leon and Dom tell me to forget it all the time, that you're never coming back. But people are wrong all the time. People thought the world was flat, but how wrong were they?"
He looked down at the scrap of black in his hand which was not clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels, what was left of her destroyed tank top. The only thing of hers he had left to provide a tangible link of he and her.
"I know I'm not worth coming back for, but I wish you'd do it anyway."
"If its the fights we had you remember, or the little things about us you miss, remember that no matter what, you can always come back. Come back to me. I'll be just like you were never gone if you ever come back."
He stood on a sigh and dragged back into the house and down the stairs into his room. He wasn't interested in company, unless it was hers, and since she wouldn't even say hello to him on the phone, he reckoned that meant he was going to be alone and lonely for a long time. He took another long drink of neat Jack. Maybe if he got drunk enough, tonight would be the night he finally got some sleep.
He came to with a gasp. It'd been a very long time since he'd remembered those first few months without her. All the pain and neat shots of hard liquor trying to drown what was left of his feelings. What he'd put himself through trying to get over it. If he'd put her through even a small fraction of what he'd put himself through, how could there be any hope for their future in the first place? Was going with her the worst mistake he'd ever made, not because of the danger if they were caught, but because of the danger he was putting her in that he'd hurt her, and by proxy himself, again?
The haze of morphine pulled him back under a short time later and his last conscious thought was that at least with the amount of drugs in his system, he'd never be aware he'd remembered those conversations he used to have with her when she wasn't there.