Against my better judgement I've decided to continue with this story. I've been doing my best to focus on 'Puppeteer' but ideas for this one keep getting into my head. And so therefore, I bow to the inevitable.
I must be insane, committing to two multichapters at once, ah well, it's done now.
Rating is T
Pairing is the obvious (ie Jisbon)
Disclaimer: If it were mine I'd be getting paid for this. As it happens, I am not. Instead I am forced to write it on a plane ignoring the death glares of flight attendants.
Lisbon gritted her teeth in frustration as yet another minute passed without the car moving anywhere. She had half a mind to get out and start waving her badge around to get people to move, but she somehow managed to hold in the urge. For the most part, Lisbon considered herself a fairly patient person.
Jane disagreed.
Lisbon had many virtues, but patience was not one of them. He figured someone as strong-willed and (dare he say it?) hot headed as she was, simply couldn't handle being in one place for very long. And he knew from personal experience that the only thing quicker than her temper was the speed of her hand reaching for her gun.
She blasted the horn of the SUV at some unfortunate Volvo driver, slamming her hand so hard on the steering wheel Jane was surprised she hadn't broken it. They'd been stuck in traffic now for a quarter of an hour and Lisbon's tolerance was rapidly waning. Normally, he would take this opportunity to poke and prod at her, just because it was so much fun seeing her having to physically restrain herself from murdering him, but today she was a little stressed.
Though the senior agent had been praying for rain, winds, hurricanes, typhoons, anything to postpone the beginning of her and Jane's little undercover adventure, the day had dawned bright and cloudless. Just her luck. She hated this assignment already.
She wasn't sure what had been more mortifying, being "proposed" to in the middle of the office, the shock and disappointment on Minelli's face when he'd found them kissing, or how much she'd enjoyed that kiss. Luckily, Jane had been able to talk them both out of trouble, as she'd been so dazed she didn't think she'd have been able to string a sentence together if asked for her input in the conversation.
The half-hour between their conversation with Minelli and their 'suspensions' coming into effect had been punctuated by frequent visitors to her office, offering their congratulations on her impending nuptials. What had disturbed her the most had been the amount of people commenting that "they'd always known this was going to happen eventually" and that "the only ones who hadn't figured out you two were in love with each other were yourselves."
Either she and Jane had acted their parts more convincingly than they'd thought, or their colleagues had seen something the two of them hadn't. Either way, it was unsettling.
Jane of course had found it all very funny and had spent the time spreading stories around the office of their supposed whirlwind romance. Even when she'd practically begged him to stop, he'd just grinned at her in that infuriating way and told her to stop being such a killjoy and that she should be glad that their love was finally out in the open and they didn't have to hide it anymore.
Thank God she'd finally been able to explain to Cho the true nature of what was going on. She knew he'd been relieved to find out it was just an undercover op, for as he bluntly put it: "Van Pelt and Rigsby are bad enough. If I'd wanted to be surrounded by lovesick couples all day long, I'd have gotten a job at a matchmaking agency."
On the contrary, the other two had no idea of what was happening and so she and Jane found themselves confronted with a smug-looking Rigsby and an ecstatic Van Pelt. All sense of professionalism forgotten, the latter had thrown her arms around Lisbon in a tight hug witnessed with great amusement by Jane who had been having his hand shaken by Rigsby.
When she finally let go, Van Pelt had looked mortified at her sudden outpouring of emotion and darted away without another word. Mystified, Lisbon turned to Rigsby, who grinned.
"She's been waiting for you two to hook up ever since she joined the unit. What took you so long anyway?"
Lisbon opened her mouth, but Jane had beaten her to it.
"She took a little longer that expected to succumb to my charms. But now I've got her, I'm never letting her go." And he put his arm around her and gave her a little squeeze.
This was without question, the worst case ever.
To her embarrassment, instead of the quiet exit she had in mind, she'd left the CBI with Jane's hand at the small of her back, to more cheers and catcalls from the rest of the staff. One thing was clear. She could never show her face in the office again, at least not without a ring on her finger.
What a mess.
Finally the traffic began to move, forcing Lisbon to concentrate more on driving and less on being irritable. Jane sighed and shifted in his seat as they flew down the highway.
The CBI had offered to pay for flights to Los Angeles for them, but Lisbon had once again, put her foot down. She had flatly refused to have to get used to the handling of a new car for just two weeks and had told Minelli in no uncertain terms that she would be taking the team's Suburban. End of story.
Perhaps it was his partiality for Lisbon, or perhaps the simple desire not to piss her off any more than necessary, but Minelli had agreed. It felt strangely empty in the car with just the two of them and the two suitcases they had brought with them.
If they'd taken a plane they'd be there by now, he thought regretfully. Settling into their new home as a happily married couple instead of here with nothing to eat, drink, or look at except endless open road. Boring.
There was only thing left that he could do; spend a little quality bonding time with his new 'wife.'
"So, darling," he began, testing the word out. His darling. He liked the way it sounded. "Isn't this exciting, just the two of us, husband and wife, on the way to our new love nest?"
A low grumbling noise escaped from her as she flicked on the indicator to overtake another car, but she did not answer or give any sign that she had heard him.
"You know, if we're going to convince people we're newly married, you're going to have to at least look at me from time to time."
She sighed.
"Oh come on," he said presently. "Is it really so bad? We get two whole weeks of living the high life, bankrolled by the State. People wait their whole careers for stuff like this to come along."
"The CBI could set us up in a penthouse apartment with a personal wardrobe of designer clothes for me and it still wouldn't be enough to offset the mental anguish I'm about to endure by pretending to be your wife," she said.
"Stop being such a drama queen," he scolded her, teasingly. "I know you're secretly looking forward to it."
"The only thing I'm looking forward to," she said. "Is the day this is over and we can get fake divorced."
He grinned at her. "Two weeks can change a lot, Lisbon. Who knows, at the end of it you may have even-" he lowered his voice dramatically,"-enjoyed yourself."
"Hell will freeze over before I find anything enjoyable about being stuck in a house with you, and not even having a gun to threaten you with."
"I'm sure such a clever woman as yourself can think of thousands of more creative ways to make me fear for my life in the absence of firearms. You've just never really tried before. "
"I'll tell you what, if you don't shut your mouth and keep it shut until we get to L.A, I'm going to start right now," she said.
"Yes dear," he responded, good-naturedly and she scowled at him.
Lisbon considered it a great personal triumph when they pulled up in front of their house in L.A without having murdered her 'husband.' She was tired, she'd been driving for hours now and Jane had done his best to make the journey even more tedious. She imagined that this was how a preschool teacher felt while presiding over a fieldtrip, but she thought a busload of five-year-olds would have been much easier to tolerate than a bored Jane trapped in a car for hours on end.
"Check it out, honey," said Jane as he got out of the car. "Our new home. What wonderful family memories will we build here?"
Lisbon scowled. "Call me 'honey' again and I swear to God that your first family memory's going to involve me running you down with my car."
He grinned at her. "Spousal abuse is a crime you know…sweetheart."
She said nothing, and dragged their suitcases out of the car. She shut the car door as her cell-phone rang.
"Lisbon," she answered.
To her right, Jane clicked his tongue disapprovingly at her. "You're not Lisbon anymore, you're Rachel Hayne now. Better start wrapping your head around it."
Holding the phone between her shoulder and ear she turned towards him with blazing eyes. "Jane, I am this close-" She held up her thumb and forefinger which were almost touching."-to killing you right now. And I'd rather not have to serve a jail sentence just on your account."
He shook his head, grinning some more. "It's Will," he corrected her, with an air of long-suffering. "I know newlyweds are meant to have their heads in the clouds and all that but honestly Rach, knowing your husband's name is a pretty basic requirement. If you want this marriage to work, you're going to have to try a little harder."
"Jane, shut up!" she snapped.
"So I guess I won't ask how things are going?" came Minelli's voice out of the phone.
Lisbon ignored Jane's snicker as she turned her back on him.
"Hey boss," she said.
"You sound a little tense, Teresa."
'Well when I took this assignment I was under the impression I was going to be living with a husband, not a toddler." She heard Jane chuckle from behind her.
"Teresa, I would not have chosen you to do this if I didn't think you could handle it."
"You didn't choose me, you blackmailed me into it," she said, trying to keep the note of accusation out of her voice.
"I'm your boss, that's my right," he said smoothly. "Anyway, we've left some stuff for you on the kitchen bench. Make sure you get it, you'll need it."
"Is it a cyanide suicide pill?" asked Lisbon. "Because after a few days of this I'm going to need an emergency escape."
"I couldn't take the risk that you might slip it into Jane's food or something. I trust you, Lisbon but not that much."
"Thanks a lot boss."
"Keep in touch."
Lisbon shut the phone, grimacing.
She turned back around to face Jane again. It seemed that while she'd been on the phone he'd taken their suitcases inside and come back out to wait for her.
"Ready to go settle into our new place?" he asked.
"Can't I just sleep in the car?" she asked, wistfully.
"Don't be silly," he scolded her. "We're here to work remember, you need to get some proper sleep."
"Fine."
"Good girl. Now then…"
Lisbon let out a shriek of surprise as without warning, Jane swept her off her feet and into his arms.
"What the hell are you doing?" she said, trying to wriggle out of his grasp, which was surprisingly strong.
"Carrying my bride over the threshold of course," said Jane, in a tone that quite clearly meant 'Duh'.
"Jane. Put me down," she said in a tone of very forced calm. "Now."
"No can do," he said. "The neighbours could be watching, we've got to set the right tone."
As he carried her towards the front door she started punching every inch of him she could reach. He winced as the blows landed but didn't relinquish his grip.
"You know," he said conversationally as he kicked the door wider open. "I'll bet this violent streak of yours has frightened off many a lover in the past, but personally, I find it rather endearing. I always liked a woman with spunk." He winked at her. "Keeps things interesting."
He put her down just inside the doorway and closed the door behind them.
"If you so much as think of doing that again," said Lisbon furiously. "Then I will-"
"Oh, stop pretending you didn't like it," said Jane, cutting her off.
Her mouth fell open and she planted her hands firmly on her hips. "What?" she demanded.
Jane rolled his eyes at her, but smirked all the same. She always looked so cute when she was incensed.
"You. Liked. It," he repeated slowly, knowing that speaking to her in that patronizing tone would piss her off even more.
"You cannot be serious."
"Lisbon I've seen you take out people more than twice your size. You're a lot stronger than I am. If you'd really wanted me to put you down, you would have made it happen," he said matter-of-factly.
She said nothing and he had a feeling that he'd stunned her into silence. He took advantage of that fact to dart past her into the hallway.
"I'm going to take a look around."
The house was small, but modern, and tastefully decorated. It was the kind of place you'd expect a high-powered corporate couple to live in as opposed to an extremely cranky state agent and her pain-in-the-ass consultant.
Jane found he didn't like it much. He thought it lacked character, as if had been put together exactly out of the plans from a magazine. Everything was in solid black or white, there were no splashes of colour anywhere. It felt more like a furniture showroom than a home.
Lisbon found she didn't much care about how the house looked. All she wanted to do was go to bed and hopefully stay asleep until this stupid assignment was over. She dragged her suitcase up the stairs and into the master bedroom. The bed looked soft and inviting and she was just preparing to collapse onto it when she heard Jane calling her name softly from the kitchen.
"What is it Jane?" she asked grumpily when she reached him. Predictably he was already nursing a cup of tea and she noticed with grateful surprise that he'd brewed her a coffee as well.
"Thanks,' she said as he handed it her.
"You looked like you needed it," he said.
"You have no idea."
He smiled at her and pointed to an envelope he hadn't noticed before lying on the kitchen bench. "You might want to open that."
She picked it up and saw it was addressed "To the Happy Couple." It was times like this that she really didn't appreciate Minelli's sense of humour. Vowing to say something to him about it the moment she got back, she ripped it open.
Inside was information about known members of the cocaine ring they were about to try and infiltrate.
"So when do we get started with all this?" asked Jane as they perused the files.
"Tomorrow," said Lisbon firmly. The sooner they got this done, the sooner this weird fake-marriage nonsense would be over and she could go back to her peaceful apartment…totally alone.
"And how exactly do we do it?" asked Jane.
She waved a piece of paper at him.
"CBI's given us a list of places where these people hang out. We'll head over there and you can turn on the old charm and hopefully, we'll be in."
"Thanks, Lisbon," said Jane, grinning.
"For what?"
"Admitting that you find me charming. I always knew, of course, but it's good to hear you say so all the same. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside."
She reached over and swatted him with the envelope.
"Ow!" he said, clutching his arm where she'd hit it. "That hurt!"
"For Christ's sake, grow a set," she said impatiently. "It was just paper."
"Was not. And you shouldn't be taking the Lord's name in vain."
Sighing, she upended the envelope and to her great surprise heard the clinking of metal against the bench.
"What is it?" asked Jane.
Lisbon couldn't suppress a gasp. "They're wedding rings," she said, holding them up to show him.
There was a tense silence. They had both forgotten about this part.
"I can't" said Jane, twisting his real wedding ring around and around his finger.
"You have to," said Lisbon, but not without sympathy. She knew how hard it must be for him. "Our rings have to match or it'll look suspicious."
"I know," he said. "But-"
"I understand," she said, gently. "I really do, but if you don't do this we may as well abandon the whole thing now."
"I'm sorry," he said, "And I'll take all the blame, I promise."
"We're not throwing in the towel," said Lisbon, still gentle but with a definite edge to her voice now. "We have to come to some sort of compromise."
"Like what?" asked Jane, doubtful that even the great Teresa Lisbon could pull a solution out of her bag of tricks this time.
Lisbon thought for a moment and then reached up behind her head and unclasped her crucifix. She slipped the cross pendant from the chain and put it in her pocket. She held the chain out to him.
"Here, put your ring on this. That way you can still wear it."
Jane hesitated. "Are you sure?"
"This is how compromise works, Jane," she said. "I give a little, you give a little."
Jane mentally took back his earlier thought. Once again, she'd managed to fix everything. He really didn't know how she did it.
He took the chain from her, letting his hand linger on hers for a moment.
"Thank you Lisbon,"
"Don't mention it."
"Really," he said. "Thank you."
Once the ring was safely around his neck, the other two rings could be ignored no longer.
"Shall we have a little ceremony?" he asked and Lisbon scowled at him.
"Don't push your luck," she said snatching up the closest one and jamming it on her finger. Jane followed suit. The new ring felt unnatural on his hand. The shape and size were all wrong and he had to resist the temptation to rip it off again.
After a moment, they both looked down at their ringed hands. Somehow this made it all seem more real, they were committed to this now. The thought was frightening.
"So, do I get a kiss now?" he asked, partly to break the awkward moment.
"Hell no," said Lisbon, shortly.
"Come on," he wheedled. "You wouldn't give me a wedding but you can at least let me have this. Anyway, what's the big deal, you've already done it once."
"That was different," she protested. "I didn't have a choice."
"So reluctant," he said smirking. "And why is that my dear? Scared you'll like it?"
"No," she said, far too quickly.
"I know you did last time."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
Jane knew from experience that allowing himself to be drawn into an argument with Lisbon meant he would be facing hours and hours worth of bickering going round and round in circles until they were both so irritated with each other that they couldn't even be in the same room anymore. So he decided to settle the disagreement as quickly and simply as possible.
He took her hand.
"And furthermore you need to learn-" Lisbon cut herself off in mid-rant as she realized what was happening. "What the hell are you doing?"
"This, my beautiful wife is me embracing the noble art of the compromise," he said. "You give a little-" He gestured to her hand he still held in his. "-I give a little." He brought it to his lips and kissed it.
To Lisbon's great annoyance, her body responded with a shiver that she was sure he had felt. Indeed, when he finally let her hand, go it was with an air of satisfaction too great for her liking.
She wrenched her hand out of his grasp,
"I'm hungry," she said.
He laughed. "Well the kitchen's fully stocked, why don't I whip us up something?"
"You can cook?" she asked dubiously.
"Wait and see."
"Whatever," she said. "I'll be upstairs unpacking. And while I'm at it I'll call Poison Control. Courtesy heads-up and all."
She left the kitchen and he heard her stomping her way up the stairs.
"Let you know when it's ready, hon," Jane called after her. A pause. "Love you!" he tacked on the end.
Upstairs, a door slammed.
Hope you enjoyed it. If you didn't please let me know so I can quit while I'm ahead.
P.S Any of you who read 'Puppeteer' I am working hard on it and I hope to get it posted soon.