Chapter 4. Home Again.

I clutched the steering wheel of my old Citroen loosely. It was getting late now, and even though my whole body was longing for rest, I couldn't seem to turn off the desire to keep following Red John's trail. I was driving towards home. Not for the mattress that laid in the corner of my room, but for the clue that Red John had left there for me. I knew that I should have brought Lisbon, because I knew I had to try and include her more before I got given a lecture from Minelli on how I was getting too wrapped up in this case, and how I was too emotionally involved to be able to handle it sensibly on my own. But I didn't want Lisbon here. Not in my house. I didn't want her to see the empty shell of what used to be my home. I didn't want her to become saddened and worried for me. It wasn't necessary. I'd known too much sympathy over the years, and I didn't want anymore. I would tell Lisbon tomorrow. She didn't have to come near my house.

I sighed softly as I pressed my back against the driver's seat, hearing it creak as I put more pressure on it. I suppressed a yawn behind my fist as I continued to drive on. The road before me became mildly blurry as tired tears filled my eyes and another yawn stretched my jaw. It was a frustrating thing, to become so tired, but be burdened with the problem that I could not sleep. I imagined a steaming cup of tea that I would make in the kitchen, before psyching myself up to search the house for the next clue. I imagined the high caffeine content flooding through me and creating the buzz that would keep me wide awake for the next few hours at least. I brought up a hand to scratch the back of my neck as I brought the Citroen round the last bend before home.

I looked out over the sea beneath the cliffs, the early moon bringing a silvery twinkle to the breakers on the shore, the foam washing over the sandy stretches of beach. I remembered how Angela and I used to go down there on occasion and lay on the sand, listening to the waves and watching the stars long after Charlotte had gone to bed. But that had been a long time before my occupation had caused Angela discomfort. That had been when our marriage had been completely at peace. Before I was pleaded every single day to stop before I got someone hurt. I missed those days so much. I often wished that I could have just one more night like that, with her snuggled inside my arms on that soft sand. But I knew all too well that it would never happen.

I pulled up to the darkened house, knowing that Red John had been there a second time. It made my blood chill as I stepped out of the car and observed the shadow of my house. No, I could no longer consider it a home. Ever since that day, it had just become another house to me. I began to walk forwards slowly, unsure of what to expect inside. I felt my hands shaking slightly. I didn't notice a pair of headlights stop further down the hill and turn off, descending the surroundings into darkness. I could only concentrate on finding what there was to find inside the house before me. I pushed open the door.

I could suddenly see Charlotte's tasselled tricycle resting by the door, before it was gone in an instant. I scanned the immediate environment looking for any kind of clue. That cup of tea I had planned wasn't necessary any more. I could already feel adrenaline rushing through my veins, making my senses turn wild with everything around me. The familiar smell of woodwork and emptiness. The dulled colours that filled every room. The touch of the smooth painted walls as my fingers brushed along them. The taste of anticipation, fear and dread in the air. I fumbled for the light in the darkened surroundings. And as the brightness of the bare bulbs hanging from the ceiling hit every inch of the emptied room, my pulse hit the roof. My eyes widened as I stared down at the floor, stepping backwards slightly. Smeared across the pine floorboards was a huge, grinning, monstrous smiley face, staring up at the ceiling, but seeming to stare at me as well. Below were the words: 'Tick tock, tick tock!'

I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I knew it wasn't blood. There was no metallic smell hanging in the air. But every time I saw that drawing, fresh and bright red, I felt like I would choke. I felt the old pain in my heart, that was caused by the shock, and utter grief that surrounded that creation. A smiley face that could strike terror and dread into the hearts of the coldest men. I took a few more steps back, taking my foot off the outline of the face. I breathed out shakily as my back touched the wall lightly. I couldn't hear properly over the sound of my heart beat, the continuous drumming filling my head and making me feel slightly dizzy. But I could just hear the sound of the door creaking slowly open behind me. I spun on the spot in a matter of milliseconds, by reactions quickened by the adrenaline that pumped within me. I took in a sharp breath as I found Lisbon stood in my doorway. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, composing myself.

'What are you doing here?' I asked shakily.

She took a step back quickly. 'I'm sorry, Jane. I know you probably don't want me here at all, but I figured out the clue too, and I knew that it was going to be impossible for me to persuade you to let me come here...so I followed you.' She had taken a small glance around the area she could see, and that obviously didn't include the smiley on the floor. I could tell she was slightly confused about the emptiness that she saw. I could see it in her eyes.

'I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to be here alone,' she said slowly, looking up at me.

'Um...' I didn't know what to say. I was still processing the drawing behind me, and the shock of Lisbon being at my front door.

'So...are you ok? You look really pale.' she asked, making use of my silence.

'Uh...yeah. Fine. I'm fine.'

'Did you find anything?'

I nodded weakly. I felt like I should be saying something. Telling her that I didn't want her inside my house, but I couldn't seem to find the right words that wouldn't make it sound like I was angry at her. Her motives were caring, and I couldn't throw that back at her. But this was exactly what I didn't want to happen.

I grimaced as she stepped sideways and saw the painted face.

She remained silent as I watched her examine the floor.

'He came back here...' she murmured. 'You ok?' she asked again.

'Yeah.' But suddenly, unexpectedly, I felt moisture crowd at the corners of my eyes. I didn't even know why. But Lisbon could see it. Her expression softened and she looked sadly at me. I looked her briefly in the eye before I quickly left for the kitchen. Anywhere out of sight. I stood, my back turned to the door, and blinked hard, trying to figure out the reason for this sudden burst of emotion. My efforts to keep it all contained failed as a tear trailed slowly down my cheek.

'Jane...?' I heard her voice as she entered the kitchen behind me. I felt her soft touch on my arm. I sniffed quietly, quickly swiping away the tear.

'What's wrong?'

'Everything's wrong, Lisbon. Everything. Everything I do...it's...' I hesitated, not even sure I knew where I was going.

'I don't understand,' she replied softly.

'Neither do I...'

I felt a tug at my arm, and I turned to look at Lisbon. Her expression was saddened and confused, but full of sympathy. She simply looked at me, her hands resting lightly on my arms. The fresh tear on my cheek must have said it all as she pulled me into a hug, wrapping her arms firmly around my back. I slowly brought my cheek to rest on her head and my arms to secure around her, feeling the comforting warmth that she gave off seep into me, calming my emotion.

'I'm sorry,' I murmured softly.

She simply rubbed soothing circles into my back with the palm of her hand. I suddenly felt closer to her than I had ever done before as I buried my face in her neck and pulled her tighter.

'Jane?' Lisbon asked as we sat on the floor against a kitchen cupboard.

'Yes?' I replied.

'Why...why is your house like this?'

'What do you mean?'

'Why is it empty? Why do you make yourself live like this?' Lisbon turned her head to look at me as I stared ahead.

I turned my head, 'I just...couldn't bear having anything around that reminded me of them. So everything went,' I told her quietly, 'Besides, house work really isn't my thing.' I tried to joke.

Lisbon looked down at her lap. I looked round at her.

'Please don't feel sorry for me. I don't need it,' I said.

'You need something, someone, Jane. I know you won't like it, but I do feel bad about this. Why couldn't you have told me before? I would have helped. You know I would. You promised you'd be there for me, no matter what. But what happens when you need someone? What happens when you fall down?'

We met gazes for a second before it was my turn to look into my lap. My heart was beating in my ears.

'I guess you're right,' I admitted. I hated to think that I would pull people into the misery that I'd been stuck in for so long, but I couldn't even try to tell myself that I didn't need someone to keep me grounded. Not now.

'If you ever need anything, I don't care what it is, anything. Even just someone to talk to...you can come and see me, alright?'

I smiled softly as we met gazes again, and this time I kept that moment, despite the tears that were crowding my eyes. 'Ok.'

I leant forward, my finger underneath Lisbon's chin as I pressed a kiss to her cheek. As I pulled away, I could see the bright pink flush creeping onto her cheeks in the dull light. Smiling again, I watched the way she turned her gaze to her lap, running a finger along one of her nails.

I knew, at that point, that she was the one thing that kept me sane, kept my feet on the ground.

'Thank you, Teresa.' I put my hand over hers between us, just a small token of my appreciation for everything she was to me.

As I looked into her eyes, it felt like she was the only thing in my world at that moment. Nothing else that was going on in my life mattered, nor what had caused me to become so emotional earlier. Her pretty green orbs were all I wanted to see. But suddenly, I felt myself becoming dangerously absorbed, enough to make me move forwards millimetre by millimetre, and I quickly looked away, taking my hand off hers.

I heard her cough, feeling the awkwardness that had suddenly planted itself slap bang in between us.

'I think I should get going,' she murmured, clearing her throat, 'You gonna be okay?'

I nodded before we both stood up and awkwardly walked to the front door.

'Get some rest, okay? Try not to...' she waved loosely at the floor beside us, 'Y'know.'

I nodded again as she began to leave.

'Uh, Lisbon!' I called instinctively.

'Yeah?'

I looked around awkwardly, giving her a brief flicker of a glimpse, putting my hands deep in my trouser pockets. 'Night.'

'Night, Jane.' She closed the door behind her and was gone.

I turned on my heel, feeling panic run through me. What had just happened? Had I really just almost let myself kiss Lisbon? I'd never felt like that before, not with Lisbon. I ran a hand through my hair, dishevelling the curls. My eyes ran across the walls of the room before I began to walk towards the stairs. My steps were shaky as I began to climb. I'd taken Kristina on a date first, and hadn't even come close to thinking about kissing...so why had I just suddenly, instinctively tried to do so with Lisbon?

My mind was racing as I flung my jacket aside in the bedroom and began pacing, unbuttoning my waistcoat and tugging it free, trying to release some of the heat that I felt building up inside me. I sighed heavily, landing on the mattress and laying back.

I closed my eyes tight, trying to stop my brain from running in circles and collapsing in on itself. I pressed my head back into the pillow and tried to sleep. And when I finally did, my dreams were not of Red John, or of Angela and Charlotte, but of Lisbon. Teresa Lisbon.

My hands shook on the steering wheel of my SUV as I drove down the dark Cliffside roads, heading home. Or somewhere at least. My head was spinning, and all I could think about was how close Jane had come to me before he realised what he was doing. I could still feel the ghost of his soft breath on my face, and it caused goosebumps to erupt over my skin, making me shiver. I was just trying to figure out what that had really been. Was it a moment of weakness? Or was it shut up, forbidden feelings breaking through the cell walls? And what did I feel about it? I didn't know. I couldn't figure out what my brain was trying to say. I just knew that there was some kind of strange feeling in my stomach...butterflies? As he had begun to draw closer.

God...

I wound my window down as far as it would go and took in long, deep breaths of cool night air. I wondered whether that would change anything between us. Maybe we would become more awkward around eachother...maybe it meant that Jane would share a little more with me...if the true meaning of that moment had been true feelings. Or maybe he'd close off completely, scared of what had happened. I hoped that wouldn't be the case...he was already hard enough to get to, without some strange feeling making him shut me out. I let out a long heavy breath.

Tomorrow would tell...

A/N: Make sure that little review button down there is the next one you press :P