Chapter 3 - Thin ice

Note:

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Angel was sitting on the couch. He hadn't moved at all. He just kept sitting there, staring at the cold fireplace. The more he thought about everything, the darker his thoughts got. He should have been happy. He was going to be a dad. But what if Buffy didn't want him in her life anymore? What if she didn't want him in the baby's life? He couldn't really blame her. Who would want a vampire as a dad? What kid would want to build sand castles or play ball in the dark? Did Buffy even want a baby? Did she want his baby?

Maybe the trauma of the last days - and that's what it must have been like for her by what she had told him and by the way she had looked - had been too much. Maybe she didn't want the baby under those circumstances. Maybe she couldn't love the baby after having feared it was some evil power messing with her. Buffy had expected the worst. She hadn't been able to sleep and had had nightmares. Until now she only had bad memories to associate with the pregnancy. So far it had made her life hell. What if she just wanted to forget about everything associated with that experience? Buffy must feel like she had had no say in all this. She didn't remember their day together. She didn't remember how they made their baby. Angel felt like he had pushed her into something, something that was beyond her control now. And with the missing memories, she must feel like she never had control over it in the first place. It was almost like he had violated her. Her loosing her memories was like loosing her consent retrospectively to everything that had happened that day.

And what if she was afraid a baby would threaten her chance at a normal life? A baby would surely upset the new guy in her life, a human guy, a normal guy, who went to college and had a day-time job. It was everything Angel couldn't give her. But obviously, they hadn't been as close as Angel had thought. Or had been led to believe? Maybe his choice for a source on Buffy's life had not been as ideal as Angel had thought.

When he had left Sunnydale he had needed to know how Buffy was doing. He couldn't have asked Xander, although the guy would have probably loved rubbing the news about Riley in his face. And Angel couldn't trust Willow to keep anything from Buffy. So that had only left Giles. Angel had asked him and told him that staying away would be easier for him, if he knew that Buffy was alright. Giles had agreed reluctantly, not wanting to go behind Buffy's back, but also wanting her to go on with her life undisturbed. And if that meant keeping Angel in LA and letting him know that Buffy was alright once in a while, what could be so wrong about that? Angel should have considered that Giles was not always in the loop, especially when it came to Buffy's private life. And Giles probably just saw what he wanted to see and what Buffy would let him see. He certainly wasn't an expert on the dating life of young American women. Maybe he even wanted Angel to believe that Buffy had moved on.

Angel knew he was driving himself crazy with all this thinking and brooding. But until Buffy didn't agree to talk to him, it was all he could do. Then something occurred to him. When Buffy was ready to talk, would she find him here? Angel decided to write her a note and drop it by her house so she would know where to find him.

When Buffy got home, she went straight to her room. She didn't want to talk to her mom. She considered calling Willow but she would see her tomorrow anyway. She was so angry and confused. She paced up and down in her room. She wanted to hit something, preferably Angel. Buffy tried to focus on the positive things. There was baby in her, a human baby, that wasn't part of an evil plot to destroy the world. But how did she get pregnant at all? How could she have gotten pregnant from Angel? She believed what Lorne had told her. And she didn't doubt the rather fantastic tale Angel had told her either. But it was a lot to take in. She touched her stomach. There was nothing there yet. It was so unreal. If it really happened over Thanksgiving she wouldn't be showing for quite a while.

Her life had done a 180 degree turn and Buffy hadn't even been aware of it. She had been completely blind-sided. She wasn't able to think clearly. She had no idea how to deal with this. She was the Slayer. Slayers were not supposed to be pregnant, at least not that she knew of. God, what would Giles say? What would her mother say? What would they say when they found out who the father was? Her mother would probably have a heart attack. She had taken a ridiculous liking to Riley even though she had met him only once when he had come by unannounced to offer to help her with a paper. Noticing that Riley seemed interested in Buffy, she regularly dropped comments about what a nice guy he was and that Buffy should go out with him. He did seem like a nice guy, but Buffy didn't want to date. She was far from over Angel. She knew she'd only use Riley to get over Angel, probably unsuccessfully, too.

She didn't want to get over Angel. She didn't think she ever could, especially now that she was pregnant from him. She still wanted him, there was no denying it. But would he change his attitude towards them being together just because she was pregnant? Besides, a baby would upset his new perfect life he had made for himself in LA. This train of thought was not doing anything to calm her down, to the contrary, she was just as wound up as before if not more. She needed to stop thinking for a while. She needed something to distract her. She needed action. Buffy grabbed a cross and a couple of stakes. She might as well do something useful and go out on patrol.

Angel had made his way to Buffy's house. He considered sliding the note under the door, but he didn't want Buffy's mother to find it. He walked around the house until he was standing beneath Buffy's window. Would she be asleep? The window was open. He could leave the note in her room. But what if she was still awake? She would think he was stalking her or trying to push her. Suddenly Buffy's head appeared in the window. Angel felt like he had been caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Buffy looked rather shocked to see him standing there.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to crowd you," Angel hastily tried explain. "I just wanted to leave this note." He looked at the note and then up at Buffy. He crumpled the paper to a ball and threw it towards her. Buffy caught it easily. "Um… it just says that you can find me at the mansion, in case you want to talk. That's all. No pressure or anything. I just wanted to let you know."

"Oh, okay," Buffy said, coming out of her stupor.

Angel gave her a small smile and then left. He decided not to go directly back to the mansion, since it seemed that Buffy wasn't ready to talk yet. Thinking he might as well kill some vamps, he made his way to the cemeteries. Maybe it would help him get his mind off things.

When Angel turned to leave, Buffy released a sigh of relief. That had been close. If Angel had realized that she had been about to climb out the window to go on patrol, he surely would not have left but followed her around the whole night. Buffy waited a couple more minutes until she made her way out the window to head for the cemeteries. Buffy knew she had to be careful. Her powers were not really reliable and she was pregnant. And tonight there was an additional factor that was not in her favor, her mind was anywhere but on slaying. But she was the Slayer, she had a job to do.

The first few vamps were no problem. Since her first night when that vamp had thrown her against a tree, she had become more careful. Before, she had always been rather aggressive, now she tried to be more efficient while slaying, avoiding hits and only aiming for the kill when she had a clear shot. Before, she had never worried about that. A few hits here and there were part of the job, no big deal. But now that she knew the cause, everything would have to change even more. She didn't know how though. How big were her chances of even carrying the baby to term with such a job? But putting slaying on hold was not an option. There was nobody else to take over her duties.

Her musings made Buffy inattentive to what was happening in her close proximity. Several vamps had been following her for a while now, waiting for their turn to challenge the Slayer. Buffy didn't even notice them until the first one lunged himself at her. He threw her to the ground, but Buffy managed to get out under him, getting up more quickly than him and staking him when he had just gotten to his knees. The next vamp was already charging for her. Buffy managed to sidestep him. That's when the third vamp decided to join the fight. He grabbed her from behind and threw her against a tombstone. Buffy was able to brace the impact with her arms, consciously protecting her stomach area as best as she could, but scraping her arms badly. When the vamp came after her again, she used the tombstone to hold on to and kick him with her feet. The kick was not as strong as she would have expected, sending her attacker tumbling, but only a few feet. Buffy cursed. Her powers had left her again. With two vamps still standing she was in serious trouble.

The other vamp grabbed her from behind. Buffy managed to put a stake into his side. She knew she would miss the heart but hoped he would let go of her. But he just laughed. "You drunk or why is your aim so bad?"

"Just you wait 'til I get-"

The vamp had her in a stranglehold and started to choke her. "What? What did you say? I can't hear you."

The other vamp had recovered and was leisurely walking towards Buffy. "Now we have a problem. There's two of us, but just one of you. Don't you know you should never go out alone after dark? That way we wouldn't have to share you now."

Buffy was starting to get dizzy. But suddenly the vamp behind her turned to dust and she was free. Falling to the ground, she coughed and tried to catch her breath. By the time she looked up, the second vamp had exploded to dust as well and a very angry Angel was standing in front of her in full vamp face. The next moment he was kneeling beside her.

"Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he asked worried.

"We are okay," Buffy managed to get out in between coughs.

"We should get you to a hospital."

"I am fine, really. Just give me a second." Buffy leaned back against a tombstone and took some deep breaths.

"Buffy, please, I saw how you were thrown against the tombstone." Angel had been close by, when he heard fighting. When he realized that it was Buffy, he hurried to help her but then a fledgling rose from his grave right in front of him. If he had ignored him for the time being maybe he would have been by her side earlier.

"I didn't hit it head-on. My arms got in the way," Buffy tried to joke and showed him her arms.

Angel inspected the cuts closely. "They are still bleeding."

"I know, I guess it takes a while for my body to realize that the baby is okay or that the danger is over."

"Huh?" Angel was confused.

Buffy had forgotten that Angel didn't know about the connection between the baby and her fluctuating powers, as Lorne had told her before Angel had joined them. "Lorne said that me loosing my slaying abilities has to do with the baby. He said it's a mechanism to protect the baby. I hurt, but the baby gets extra protection. Kind of useful in my job, don't you think?" Buffy asked almost cheerily.

"Damn it, Buffy. What are you even doing here?"

"Slaying?" As if that wasn't obvious.

"Buffy, please don't be reckless just to punish me for what happened."

"I am not."

"Then why are you out here slaying?"

"I have a job to do." Buffy got up and dusted off her clothes.

"Is that job more important than the baby?"

"I can't simply take maternity leave. It's not an option."

"So slaying has priority?"

"I can't allow this to influence my duties. My chances of carrying this baby to term are more than slim anyway. It's not only affecting my powers but my ability to think clearly."

"Are you saying you are considering to get rid of it?" Angel asked alarmed.

Buffy considered for a moment if she should leave him in the dark and make him suffer a bit, but quickly decided against it. "No, I could never get rid of your child." Buffy leaned against the tombstone, physically and mentally exhausted. "I just can't think clearly right now. I can't believe that I am really pregnant from you. I mean, I believe Lorne, but still… it is... it was supposed to be impossible."

"I know. But I am glad we beat the odds."

Buffy didn't reply.

"You don't want this, do you?" Angel asked sadly.

"Want what?"

"The baby."

"I just told you I would never abort it."

"But you didn't say that you wanted it either."

"I don't know what I want. I used to. I knew exactly what I wanted. But it wasn't what you wanted. So why should it matter now what I want?"

"Buffy…"

"No, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't get you. You leave, we broke up, you broke up, we are not even supposed to be able to have sex with each other and despite all this you still got me pregnant."

"Buffy, I know you are confused. So am I."

"How helpful."

"Will you at least let me finish?"

Buffy crossed her arms and waited for him to go on.

"I know this wasn't planned, far from it. I know it is a shock to you. It is to me as well. But I don't regret that it happened or how it happened, not even for one second."

"Great, I guess I have to take your word for it because I DON'T remember any of it!" Buffy yelled.

"What do you want me to do?" Angel asked desperately. "Just tell me."

"I don't know."

"Let me be there for you."

"For how long? Until the baby is born? Until one of your cases calls you back to LA? Until you think we are better off without you?"

"No! I don't know."

"Great. When you can figure that out, maybe we can talk again. But until then…" Buffy turned and started to walk away.

"Buffy, I want to be with you," Angel called after her, "with you and the baby."

She turned around to face Angel. "Why?"

"Why?"

"Yes, simple question: why?"

"Because I don't think I can live without you."

"Really?" Buffy asked skeptical. "You haven't done too badly over the last couple of months - without me."

"I missed you every single day," Angel objected.

"But obviously not enough to come back."

"Is that what you want?" Angel asked frantically.

"I don't want you to come back because I am pregnant. Because besides me being pregnant nothing really has changed, has it?"

"No, it hasn't. But-"

"You left and you could do it again. And I can't go through that again."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"Do you still love me?"

Buffy didn't answer right away. How could he even ask that?

"Simple question. Yes or no?" Angel needed to know, needed to be sure.

"Yes," Buffy answered, but her face showed only sadness.

"Don't you want to know if I still love you?" Angel asked cautiously.

"It doesn't matter."

"How can it not matter?"

"You said it before. It didn't mean a thing."

"You know that's not true," Angel protested miserably.

"Fine, let me rephrase that," Buffy relented. "It didn't change a thing."

Angel couldn't understand why Buffy was so skeptical. When he had been human she hadn't even blinked an eye before she fell into his arms at the pier. On that day she had never doubted his love once. Was it because he had been able to show her?

"You know why I left, Buffy. It wasn't because I don't love you. It was because I love you. And you said you understood. You said you understood that turning back time was better."

"I don't remember!"

Angel took a step towards her. "Then let me tell you."

"What for? Why now? You decided before that I was better off forgetting."

"Maybe that was wrong."

"Maybe?"

"You don't know what it was like. Those memories… they haunt me every day and every night. We-"

"Stop it!" Buffy screamed. "Stop it! I don't remember. But you seem to forget that. I don't remember!"

"You promised," Angel said quietly.

"What?" Buffy asked confused.

"You said you wouldn't forget," Angel said sadly.

"What?"

"You said you wouldn't forget."

"I heard you. But I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Before, at Lorne's, I thought you had remembered. I so hoped that you would. I wanted you to. But I didn't want to be the one to make your life more complicated again. If you were meant to remember, then…"

"Then what?" Buffy yelled. "Then it would have been okay? Let me tell you something about 'meant to be'. It was meant to be that I should have died at the hands of the Master. If we had sat back and let that happen, I would be dead now. It was never meant to be that you and I would make this baby together." She put her hand on her stomach. "Where and when did you start thinking that letting our lives be dictated by some prophecies and other meant-to-bes would be a great idea?"

Slowly Buffy turned to leave the cemetery. When she had taken only a few steps away from Angel, still with her back to him, she said very quietly, so that only he could hear her, "I do love you. But it seems, for us it is somehow never enough."

Then she walked away and left him standing there to ponder over what she had said.

"It should be."

TBC

Note:

Next chapter: The convincing goes into the last round. Show down. But not for the story.