Chapter 4 – Silver lining
Note:
Thanks for all your reviews. You are spoiling me. But don't stop ;-) Some of your reviews even made me laugh out loud.
"So, how did it go?" Willow asked the next day.
"Well, we were both right," Buffy said, still frustrated from her talk with Angel.
"How exactly do you mean?"
"Well, you were right because I am pregnant. And I was right because the father is a demon."
"What?" Willow asked horror-stricken.
"A good demon," she added quickly. "Angel is the father."
"What?" Willow asked in an even more high-pitched voice.
"It's a long story and apparently Angel is the only one who can remember how it happened."
"But," Willow prodded carefully, "it's a good thing, right? I mean, Angel is the father."
"Yeah, great, we slept with each other and he didn't see it necessary to tell me."
"Yeah, okay, that's not so great. But since you are pregnant, would there be anybody you'd rather have as a daddy for your baby?" Willow asked with a kind smile.
"No," Buffy said quietly. "But…"
"But nothing. You love him, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Then what are you even doing back here? You need to talk to him."
"He followed me to Sunnydale. And we did talk last night. But I can't do anything else. He says he doesn't regret what happened. But he has left me before. Nothing has changed. I don't want to go through that again. And I don't want my baby to go through that one day. I understand that he is as overwhelmed by the situation as I am. Well, maybe not quite. But that's not the point. I need him to make up his mind once and for all. I want him to stay. There's nothing I want more than for him to stay. I'm not sure if I can do this without him. But I need to be sure that this time it is really forever and not an empty promise."
"Have you told him that you want him to be there for you and the baby?"
"Well, not exactly. I might have implied that-"
"He's a man, Buffy. Implying never is enough with them."
"I guess."
"Then tell him."
"I don't want him to stay because of the baby."
"Why not?"
"Because I want him to stay because of me."
"He loves you."
"Yeah, he does. And it wasn't enough last time."
"Exactly, so you have to fight for him. Buffy, if he stays, it won't be just because of the baby. He wanted to stay last time. But he thought you were better off without him. Make him realize that that isn't so. Make him realize that you and the baby will be better off with him around. Tell him you want him around. Tell him you need him. Tell him the baby needs him. But you have to tell him. Otherwise he will just assume you two are better off without him. Don't let him. Fight for him."
What Willow said made sense. Buffy had to lay the cards on the table and tell Angel what she expected from him. He had even asked her to tell him. But she expected him to simply know what she needed. She should have known better, since obviously his ideas for what was best for her didn't match Buffy's. But to her defense, last night she hadn't been able to form a clear thought. It was still not an easy task. There was so much to think through and consider now, the slaying, her mother, Giles. It was overwhelming. The best course of action was to take one step at a time. And important things had to come first, like making sure that Angel would stay with her and their baby.
Willow could see that Buffy was deep in thought and didn't want to disturb her. Willow thought the two had made the perfect pair, despite the fact that Buffy was the Slayer and Angel a vampire. She believed that nobody could make Buffy as happy as Angel had. If he would only see that, too. This time it simply had to work out. She knew Buffy's heart would probably shatter irreparably if it didn't work out with Angel this time.
"Thanks, Will. You are absolutely right," Buffy finally said.
"So you will talk to him and tell him?" Willow looked at her sternly, making sure she wouldn't back out.
"Yeah, I will," Buffy promised.
"What are you waiting for then?" Willow asked happily.
"It's day time. Angel is probably asleep."
Willow smiled at her mischievously. "So?"
Buffy grinned. The thought of catching Angel asleep and surprising him was indeed quite tempting.
"At least that way you know where to find him, since he can't be running around Sunnydale while the sun is still up. If you wait for nightfall, he might be out to hunt or stack up his… um… blood supplies," Willow pointed out.
"Will, you really are a genius." Buffy hugged her friend tightly and then took off for the mansion.
Excitedly, Buffy ran into the mansion, heading straight for Angel's bedroom. It was empty. Buffy checked every other room, getting more and more disheartened with each room she found empty. Angel wasn't there. It was day time. Maybe he had gotten trapped somewhere by the sun after their talk. Maybe he had gone for a walk and forgotten the time and had had to take cover somewhere.
Then something occurred to Buffy. She went back outside and her heart fell. His car wasn't there either. She went back inside and looked for any sign that Angel had been at the mansion at all. She wandered aimlessly through the rooms again. They all looked untouched. Finally, she ended up in his old bedroom. The bed didn't look used. Angel must have left last night.
Had she driven him away? Maybe he was fed up with her. She had done nothing but blame him for everything. She hadn't even given him a chance to explain. Had she been too hard on him? If she was lucky, he would overlook it and blame it on her hormones. But when had she ever gotten lucky? She looked down at her stomach. No, she was lucky. If she had been good at math, she would have been able to calculate how small the odds were for this little miracle growing inside her. The thought that she might have screwed up and driven Angel away and therefore deprived her baby of a father made her feel like crying. In fact, Buffy noticed, she didn't only feel like crying, she was already crying. Hot teardrops were running down her face. Not knowing what else to do or where else to go, Buffy simply lay down on Angel's bed and cried until she was even too exhausted to cry anymore and fell asleep.
Angel had indeed left Sunnydale. He'd left shortly after his talk with Buffy. He wanted to reach LA before sunrise. But he had a good reason for leaving. Angel was on his way to see the Oracles. He would ask them to give Buffy her memories back.
Angel made it to the Oracles just as the first rays of sunlight hit LA.
"What do you want?" the Oracles asked.
"On the day you took back, the Slayer and I made a baby."
"Yes, we know."
"She needs the memories back that were taken from her. She needs to know how the baby was conceived."
"Why?"
"She needs to know how beautiful it was, that we both wanted it, that we both enjoyed it, that it wasn't a mistake."
"That was the deal."
"Yes, I know. But what if our child one day asks Buffy how it was conceived? It needs to know it was the result of love."
"The Slayer doesn't need the memories to tell that."
"What if she doesn't believe it herself? What if she doubts it? The day wasn't mine to take, it was our day. She will never understand why I had to do it, if she doesn't have the memories. You took those memories. They weren't yours to take."
"Fine, we'll give them back."
"Thank you. Could you wait until I am back in Sunnydale? I don't want her to go through that alone."
"As you wish. Take this. When she puts it on, she will remember."
Something dropped out of nowhere and made a chinking noise when it hit the floor. It was Buffy's claddagh ring. It was smaller than his own and he knew his was safely tucked away.
"Where did you get this?" Angel asked, but found that he had already been send back to the hotel. It was a sensible choice, since it was already light outside. But now he was stuck there until sunset.
When Angel arrived at the mansion, he found Buffy lying on his bed, rolled into a tiny ball. He could see that she had been crying. He sat down and gently brushed her hair away from her face. Buffy stirred.
"Hey," Angel said tenderly.
"Hey. I thought you had gone back to LA."
"I did." Angel saw Buffy's disappointed face and went on. "I needed to get something."
"Oh."
"Don't you want to know what I got?" Angel asked with a teasing smile.
"Um… I guess," Buffy said carefully.
"Well, it concerns you."
"You got me something?"
Angel nodded
"What?"
He held out his hand and opened it slowly. Buffy's eyes brightened when she saw what he was holding. "My ring."
"Yeah."
Buffy sat up and made to reach for it, but Angel stopped her. "Wait a moment. I need to explain something first. I didn't go back for the ring. I didn't even know where it was. I went back to get you the memories you are missing."
"What?"
"I asked the Oracles to give you back the memories from our day together. And they agreed."
"Really?"
"Yes, and they gave me the ring. When you put it on, it should trigger the memories." Angel held the ring close to her finger, about to put it on. "Ready?"
Buffy noticed that he was wearing his own claddagh ring again. She smiled at Angel and nodded. But then something occurred to her. "Wait!"
Angel just looked at her puzzled.
"Do you want me to remember?" Buffy asked.
"What?"
"Do you want me to remember?"
"I thought that's what you wanted," Angel said confused.
"It is. But is it what you want, too?" Buffy asked unsure. "Because if you rather not have me remember, for whatever reason, I trust your judgment on that. I know I didn't show that very well up to now," Buffy said apologetically. "But I trust you more than anybody else. I don't know what happened on that day. I can hardly even imagine. But from what you said it was not just good memories. I don't know how that could be possible. I couldn't imagine anything that would want me not to remember. But I trust you to make that decision for me."
"Oh, Buffy, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that." Angel tenderly stroked her cheek. "Those memories are… they are a heavy burden to bear because they are so beautiful," he started to explain. "They will show you what we can probably never have again. I do want you to remember. I want you to remember that our baby was the result of a day full of passion and love. It was the happiest day of my life. And I would love to be able to share this day with you once more. And maybe those memories are so hard to bear because up to now I had to bear them alone."
Buffy smiled at him lovingly. "You don't ever have to do anything alone anymore." She held up her hand.
Angel put the ring on her finger.
It was a good thing that Buffy was sitting down on the bed. She had tried to imagine what it would have been like to spend one day with Angel, without the curse, without having to worry about going too far, walking with him in sunlight, like a normal couple. But it didn't even come close to what that day really had been like.
All the memories came rushing back at once. All the emotions washed over her like a huge wave, overwhelming her with so many different sensations that it was hard to distinguish one from the other at first. Buffy remembered their reunion at the pier in broad daylight. She saw them making out on the kitchen table. She remembered how they had made love, desperate and urgently at first, slow and with relish later. She recalled how they had fooled around, how Angel had lavished her body, how they had been as carefree as never before. And then Buffy felt the despair, when Angel had told her that this day would be nothing but a memory for him and not even a memory for her. She remembered the pain in Angel's eyes when he had told her and she heard herself promising to never forget.
Tears streamed down Buffy's face. Tightly she gripped Angel's hand. While Angel had had the reassurance of their day together, Buffy had had no such thing to hold on to. Deep in her heart she had always known that Angel still loved her, that his leaving didn't diminish their love, on neither side. But the pain over his leaving had slowly overshadowed everything, even the faith in their love.
Buffy threw herself into his arms and started sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Angel gently pushed her away from him to see her face. "What are you sorry for?" he asked alarmed.
"For doubting you, for thinking you left me because you didn't want me anymore. I'm sorry. It never changed a thing in the first place. I know that now. I'm sorry about what I said to you."
Angel just held her as she cried. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I wanted you to think that."
"But I knew. I knew why you did it. But it hurt so much that I didn't care about the why, just that you did."
"It's okay." Angel held her until Buffy had calmed down a bit. "We'll figure this out."
Buffy pushed away from Angel and looked at him with determination. "I don't want to figure this out. I don't want endless discussions about the pros and cons. I need you here. I want you here. If that is not what you want, then tell me now. But I can't wait for weeks for you to make up your mind."
"I won't leave you unprotected during the pregnancy, Buffy."
"And afterwards?"
"If you want-"
"I want all or nothing, Angel. No compromises, no arrangements. It's what I always wanted. And if you don't trust my word on this, then there is nothing I can do. Please, believe me when I say I love you and I want nothing more than for you to stay with me and our baby, 'til death do us part."
"What about Riley?"
"Did you hear one word I just said?"
"Yes, I did."
"Then what is your answer?"
"I want this as much as you."
"Then what is the problem? Why do you still have doubts?"
"You deserve so much more."
"More than what? More than the man I love? More than the baby I always wanted but never though we could have? I want for you to stay and never leave again. And that is up to you."
"I love you more than anything else in the world. I never wanted to leave you in the first place. I never wanted to give back that day. I just thought… God, if I had known… I'm so sorry, Buffy, so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. Please forgive me."
Buffy smiled and brushed away the tears that were spilling out of his eyes. "Just don't do it again," she teased.
"The rest of my undead life is yours."
"Finally," Buffy sighed relieved.
Angel pulled her back into his arms and lay down on the bed. "I need to wrap some things up in LA though. But I want you to come with me."
"Don't worry, I understand. Take as much time as you want."
"No, you misunderstand. I don't want you alone for one minute. Those images of you being thrown against that tombstone will haunt me for weeks to come."
"I'll be careful."
"This has nothing to do with being careful, Buffy. You can't influence it. When your powers are gone, they are gone." Angel tenderly touched her belly, reminding her why he didn't want her to be alone right now.
"Okay."
"Thank you."
"I could go and see Lorne. I think we left him rather abruptly."
"Yeah, I guess. But he was nosy."
"Without him I still wouldn't know what is wrong with me. Well, not wrong… you know what I mean."
"I'm sorry, Buffy, so sorry about what you went through because of me. I could have spared you the uncertainty, if I had known…"
"It's okay. You couldn't have known."
"When do you want to tell the others?"
"Well, I guess since we have to go to LA for a bit, I have to tell them why and that you will be back for good afterwards. I mean, otherwise they will wonder, when you just start to hang around again."
Angel sighed.
"You'd rather want to wait?"
"No, we should do it as quickly as possible."
"If we tell them before we go to LA, they'll have some time to cool down and get used to the idea."
Angel looked at her unsure.
"Don't worry. Willow knows already and she's thrilled."
"Well, one down, several to go." He didn't sound too enthusiastic.
"I wouldn't worry too much about Giles either. He likes you."
"I killed his girl-friend. And he is very protective of you. You are like a daughter to him, Buffy."
Buffy shrugged her shoulders and smiled. "Then now he gets to be a grandparent as well."
TBC
Note:
Next chapter: How will Joyce, Giles and the Scooby Gang react to the news?