Chapter 8 – Theories and talking
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Around noon, there was a knock at the bedroom door. Angel had been deeply asleep. Buffy had only been dozing. But they were instantly awake. The person knocked again and then slowly the door opened and Willow stuck her head through the crack of the door.
"Hi," she said awkwardly. "Sorry, I didn't know… I didn't want to disturb you guys but…"
Buffy and Angel relaxed visibly when they saw who it was. "It's okay. Come in."
Angel was shirtless and Willow tried not to look in their direction. "I am really sorry, I just thought…"
Buffy got up and handed Angel his shirt. "What's going on, Will?"
"Well, I thought you might be interested… but it could have waited. I'm sorry."
"Spit it out, Will."
"Well, okay then," Willow said. "After your powers deserted you again I thought about it some more and I have a theory."
Angel frowned at Buffy. "Your powers were gone? Again? When?"
"Before I came over here," Buffy said meekly.
"Before?"
"Okay, when I came over here. But it was already light."
Before they could get into another argument, Willow quickly said, "And I think I have an explanation."
That got Buffy and Angel's attention. "And?"
"I did some more reading about pregnancies," Willow said. "And if we put everything we know together: You usually lose your slaying powers when the baby seems to be in danger, right?"
"Right," Buffy confirmed.
"But if you remember all the times you lost your powers and weren't involved in a fight or in obvious danger…"
"What are you getting at?" Buffy asked.
"Well, it all happened in the morning, right?"
"Right," Angel said.
"And combining this with what I've read about pregnancies…" Willow grinned.
"Come on! Tell us!"
"My guess would be that you are simply suffering from morning sickness."
"Morning sickness?" Buffy asked doubtfully. "But I don't get sick."
"Exactly." Willow grinned happily.
"I don't get it, Will."
"Your body, your powers, protect the baby from morning sickness."
Both Angel and Buffy just looked at her puzzled.
"Morning sickness can lead to dehydration," Willow went on to explain. "Dehydration can endanger the baby."
"You mean, I get morning weakness instead of morning sickness?" Buffy asked.
"Something like that, yeah. It fits perfectly."
"Well, why not? Wouldn't be the first strange thing about this pregnancy."
"Can that be dangerous for Buffy, dehydration?" Angel asked concerned.
"She isn't sick. That's the whole point."
"When will it stop?" Buffy asked unhappily.
"That's hard to say. It could continue until you deliver."
"What?"
"Um… some women only have it for a few weeks though," Willow added quickly.
"That's what I wanted to hear."
"And since you only seem to be affected in the mornings and even that not every single day, my guess would be that you have a milder case of morning sickness."
"But morning sickness is something very common. It can't be that dangerous for the baby," Angel pointed out.
"It really depends on how worse the morning sickness is. Some women have it all day long and some don't get sick at all. And I think Buffy's powers are rather on the overprotective side." She gave Angel a funny look. "Maybe it's your genes making themselves known," Willow teased, but Angel was obviously not in the mood for jokes.
"Overprotective? How so?" Buffy asked.
"Well, like Angel said, simple morning sickness might be annoying but not dangerous. We don't know how bad your case of morning sickness would be, since you don't show any symptoms. But you said one of the first instances you noticed your powers were gone was when you helped Giles with his boxes of books."
"So?"
"It isn't recommended that pregnant women carry heavy things. And many women around the world simply don't have the luxury to take it easy during their pregnancy and they still have healthy babies. If you simply hadn't lost your powers, it shouldn't have been a problem for you. But instead you lost your powers and had to drop the box."
"Yeah, that was strange. I really thought Giles had something to do with it."
Angel gently touched Buffy's hand, wordlessly apologizing again for the anxiety that his keeping mum about the lost day had caused her. Buffy caught his gaze and gave him a reassuring smile, telling him that it was okay.
"This could get really exciting," Willow said. Buffy and Angel looked at her like she was crazy. "Well, I just mean, if morning sickness is morning weakness for Buffy, what will happen if she ought to get swollen feet?" Willow said excitedly.
"Swollen feet?" Buffy groaned.
After Willow had left, Angel asked, "Are we okay?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry, Buffy. It really didn't seem important to me anymore. Your mother-"
"I know. And I love you and nothing will ever change that. And I can't bear to be without you. Especially at the moment, it seems. I feel…"
"You feel what?"
"I feel unsettled when you are not here. I couldn't stand being alone at the mansion, when you were still in LA." Buffy hated being needy or even voicing it. But Lorne had been right, for the sake of her baby she had to tell Angel. She hated feeling that way and only Angel could make it better. Only with him did she feel safe. "I had planned on sleeping at mom's house, but then we had this huge argument and I couldn't stay."
"You could have stayed at Willow's like you did last night."
"That wasn't the same. Last night I had a valid excuse to sleep there."
"And while I was in LA you hadn't?" Angel asked confused.
"I am the Slayer," Buffy protested. "I am not afraid to sleep alone."
"Just unsettled?" Angel asked gently.
Buffy looked at him pitifully and then buried her face against his chest. Angel soothingly stroked her back. "If Willow is right – and her theory does make sense – your morning weakness will be gone soon. As long as you stay out of trouble, you'll be just fine."
Buffy didn't say anything. She just hugged him tighter.
"Hey, what's wrong? Is anything else bothering you?"
"I just… I feel… out of my league. I feel out of my comfort zone. Slayer's aren't supposed to get pregnant."
"Says who?" Angel challenged.
Buffy shrugged her shoulders.
"Do you really believe that? Then the baby getting protected by your powers is just an accident?"
Again, Buffy just shrugged her shoulders.
"Hey, look at me."
Buffy lifted her head and looked at him miserably and almost as if she was about to cry.
"What can I do to make you feel better?"
"Nothing, not really. There are just so many changes at once, me pregnant, you coming back to Sunnydale, moving to the mansion, the argument with my mom, these power fluctuations, me having to give up slaying and college. This feels so…" The only word Buffy could come up with was 'wrong', but she was afraid that Angel might misinterpret that. "It's just too much. I'm afraid I can't… won't be able to handle it," Buffy admitted quietly.
"You'll do just fine."
Buffy didn't look convinced. She nestled up against his chest again.
"We will do just fine," Angel said. "We are in this together." While stroking her back with one hand, Angel was reaching for the drawer of the bedside table with his other hand. That's where he had put the ring earlier.
"I know. And that helps a little bit. I don't think I could do this without you. I feel so… not me. I am the Slayer. And suddenly I am supposed to be a mother as well. How am I supposed to be a mother and the Slayer?" Buffy asked distraught. "You were right when you said I should drop out of college. I have no idea how that would have fit in as well. What was I thinking? I am so glad I have you. At least one of us has to keep a clear head."
Angel withdrew his hand from the drawer and placed it on Buffy's back instead. He sighed inwardly. He decided that his proposal had to wait a bit longer. There was a chance that it would lift Buffy's spirits, but a mistimed proposal might do more harm than good. And at the moment she didn't look like she could take much more. In her current state, taking on another role - that of a wife - might make her feel even more under pressure, even though Angel wouldn't expect anything of her but being herself. And Buffy felt vulnerable and unsure and she'd just had a big argument with her mother. It wasn't a good time for a wedding. Besides, weddings could be very stressful. And stress wasn't good for the baby. And Angel didn't want her to agree to his proposal just because she was pregnant or because she couldn't think clearly.
"I just said you should take a break, not stop completely," Angel said. "You can start again any time after the baby is born. You have the perfect daytime babysitter."
"At the moment I can't even think as far as next week," Buffy said distressed.
"Buffy, we can handle anything."
"Nothing good ever happens in my life." In a timid whisper she went on, "I am afraid that this won't last."
"Hey, don't talk like that. Everything will be fine." Angel knew his talk was bordering on empty platitudes, but he was slowly getting out of ideas and starting to get really worried about Buffy, even more so than usual. He hoped that the state she was in at the moment was only temporary, caused by her latest incident of power fluctuations, rather than something more serious, like the beginning of a depression. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Not much."
"Me neither. Why don't we take another nap? I'm sure everything will look much clearer after you have gotten some more sleep."
It was worth a try. Talking sure hadn't made her feel any better. Maybe it was really just her lack of sleep that was making her feel so uneasy. "Okay."
Angel quickly fell asleep again. He hadn't gotten much sleep in LA. He had worked day and night so that he could go back to Sunnydale as soon as possible. And when he hadn't been working, he had been worrying about Buffy and the baby.
Buffy lay awake. She was still tired as well, but unfortunately not tired enough to make her mind shut up. After lying still for about an hour, she decided it was no use. Carefully, she tried to extract herself from Angel's arms without waking him, but she wasn't successful. When she was putting on her shoes, Angel gently put a hand on her back to get her attention and mumbled, still a bit a hazy from sleep, "Where are you going?"
"I gotta talk to someone."
"Your mom?"
"Giles."
Angel sat up alarmed and looked at her. "Buffy, it was my fault."
"Don't worry. I just want to talk to him." Buffy leaned towards Angel and placed a quick kiss on his lips.
When Buffy was about to pull back, Angel grabbed her arm and held her close, deepening the kiss. After releasing her, he said, "Everything will work out. We will make it work out. I won't let anything happen to you or our baby."
Buffy avoided his eyes and before Angel could say anything else, Buffy quickly said, "I'll be back for dinner, before dark," and left.
Angel hoped that she would feel a bit better after resolving matters with Giles. He let himself fall back onto the bed. Angel doubted he'd get any more sleep though, at least not before Buffy was back and he could assure himself that the talk with Giles had not upset her even more. As an afterthought, he wondered who of them was the bigger nerve wreck at the moment, her or him.
On her way to Giles' apartment, Buffy was deep in thought. She didn't realize that she chose a route that avoided cemeteries, even though it was a detour and even though it was broad daylight. Angel's words hadn't been able to reassure her. He wasn't very objective when it came to anything concerning their baby. Buffy needed to talk to someone who was less involved in all this. Talking to Lorne had been helpful. But he was in LA. Talking to her mother was out of the question, since she was anything but neutral and not one of Buffy's favorite people at the moment. Xander was a no-brainer. And Willow was almost as bad as Angel when it came to the baby, reassuring her to the point of ignoring reality. Buffy needed more than an everything-will-be-fine-speech. That only left Giles. And that wasn't the only reason she wanted to talk to him.
Buffy knocked at Giles' door.
"Buffy, come in. What can I do for you?"
"Hey, Giles. You said I could come by, if I wanted to talk."
"Sure. Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. Except for the fact that Angel told me that he and you had a little deal going on behind my back."
"Oh… that…," Giles said awkwardly.
"Yeah."
"Buffy, he just wanted to know you were alright. I didn't feel too great about talking to him without telling you, but I thought it was for the best. You needed to get on with your life."
"Did you mention Riley to him?"
"I might have dropped the name."
"Why? What did you tell him? How did you even know about him?"
"I heard Willow and Xander talking about him once. And I might have implied that you were seeing him. Angel seemed to have a hard time moving on. I thought that maybe if he realized that there was somebody else, that he would be able to let go, making it easier on both of you."
Up to this point, Buffy had been rather calm about the whole thing. But the next question would decide how angry she would ultimately be with Giles. "Did you know he was human?" If Giles had just talked to Angel on the phone occasionally to let him know that she was okay, then that was fine with Buffy. She didn't like it very much, but it was sweet in its own way. It must have cost Angel quite some courage to ask especially Giles for this favor. But if Angel had told Giles about the Thanksgiving day, Buffy didn't know what she would do.
"You mean, did he tell me during one of his calls?"
Buffy nodded.
"No, I found out the same day you told the others at your mother's house."
Buffy sighed relieved.
"Why do you ask?"
"I just wanted to know."
Giles looked at her with raised eyebrows.
"Well, we have… had some trust issues. Angel told somebody else about that day, but not me. I know now. He got me my memories back. But I just can't stand when he keeps something from me."
"He loves you."
"I know that. He sometimes just has a funny way of showing that." Buffy sighed. "And then there was that thing with my mom." Buffy looked at intently Giles, suddenly afraid that he might have been in the loop about that incident.
"What thing?" Giles asked, obviously having no clue what she was referring to.
"Not so important. Don't really wanna talk about it."
"Okay."
"Mom told Angel to leave Sunnydale," Buffy blurted out.
"When?"
"Before he left Sunnydale, after we defeated the Mayor."
"You sure about that?"
"Yep."
"So Angel told you?"
"Nope."
"But then… how…?"
"Mom slipped up. I bet she had never planned on telling me. Ever."
"But I thought you two talked and everything was fine."
"That's what I thought. I really thought she was okay with him being back, or at least getting there. But now I am not so sure anymore."
"I'm sure she'll come around."
"Can I ask you something?"
Giles looked slightly bemused. "You've been asking questions since you came here," he pointed out with a smile.
"Yeah, but for this one I want the absolute truth."
"Buffy, I have been telling you the absolute truth," Giles said amused. He knew she hadn't meant to insult him but was simply very nervous about something.
"Um… good… but this one might be a little bit harder."
"Just ask."
"Okay." Buffy took a deep breath. "Do you have any problem with me and Angel being back together, with Angel being back here in Sunnydale?"
"Buffy, even if it did bother me, you two belong together. You are having a baby together."
"You didn't answer my question."
"No, Buffy, I have no problem with him being back."
Buffy still looked doubtful.
"You think because Angelus killed Jenny… Buffy, I know it wasn't him. It took me a long time to see that, to accept that, to make that distinction, because it was easier to blame somebody who was actually here since Angelus is gone. I admit that seeing Angel does remind me of Jenny, that she is not among us anymore-"
"I'm so sorry."
"Let me finish. He reminds me, but so does my apartment, every chair on that she ever sat, my bedroom."
"Giles…" Buffy choked on her tears.
"I am not telling you that to make you feel bad. I am telling you that Angel is not anymore responsible for her death than that chair. It wasn't him. That man you are having a baby with would have never hurt Jenny. And it doesn't bother me that he is back. In fact, I am rather glad he is because he makes you happy and you deserve it. I am glad you found that special someone. And I am sure he will make a wonderful father. And you will make a wonderful mother, Buffy."
"Oh, Giles." Buffy couldn't stop the tears from falling and she hugged him and Giles hugged her back.
"Are you sure you are alright? Is there something else bothering you?"
"I'm fine, really. It's just my hormones, I guess. They are getting worse by the day."
"Well, then the Hellmouth better watch out."
Buffy's face fell.
"Do I see another question coming?"
"Not a question. Angel wants me to stop slaying. But I can't."
"Buffy…"
"I am fine as long as I don't get hit. I am an expert with the crossbow."
"Angel does a pretty good job on patrol. Why won't you let him take over?"
"I just… it's my job. I couldn't bear it if people died because I…"
"Because you are trying to protect your baby?" Giles asked gently.
Buffy nodded. No matter how many people Angel would be able to save, if somebody died, Buffy would always ask herself if her going on patrol would have made a difference.
"Buffy, you can't protect everybody."
"I know that. But even if I do get hit and lose my powers, then I am still the Slayer, then I am still more skilled at this than you or Willow or Xander. If I can't go slaying without my powers, they should have never been allowed to go on patrol at all. They have no special powers at all."
"That might be. But if you did go out and something happened to the baby, you would never forgive yourself."
Buffy knew that. But being the Slayer had been so ingrained in her being over the years. All the talk about slaying being her duty and her destiny was hard to simply shrug off after so long. And it wasn't a simple everyday decision. It was a matter of life and death. "I know. But is my baby's life worth more than anybody else's? Everybody who dies out there is the son or daughter of somebody else. How can I presume that my baby is worth more? I love my baby and I would do anything to protect it. But what am I gonna tell my baby later on? That it is alive because its mother let so many people die? That my pregnancy came with the side effect of death?"
Buffy knew she couldn't save everybody. And there had been phases where she hadn't actually cared much about saving people. When the whole world seemed to be against her, like when she had sent Angel to hell, when her mother had told her to not come back home, when Angel had left, then it had been hard to care about other people. But being pregnant actually seemed to increase her urge to protect other people. In her mind she knew she had to protect her baby first. But if she couldn't protect other people from evil, would she be able to protect her own baby? If she sat back and let evil do as it pleased, how could she make the world a better place for her baby?
"Buffy, being the Slayer means carrying many burdens, not just of protecting people, but also of dealing with people dying," Giles said gently. "And the longer you are the Slayer, the more people that will be. That is a fact, a sad fact, but a fact none the less. And if there wasn't a Slayer, even more people would be dead."
"Just like a Watcher knows that his Slayer will die one day?" Buffy asked carefully.
"Um… yes… I guess. But I firmly believe that you will be the first Slayer to outlive her Watcher by decades. So in my case it isn't really an issue."
Buffy was touched by his words. Jokingly, she said, "I guess next you gonna deny that you are in denial."
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Giles said with a grin. Then, in a more serious tone, he asked, "Buffy, may I give you some advice, as your Watcher?"
"Sure, that's kinda why I am here."
"If you ever tell the Council that I said this, they will import the guillotine from France just for me."
"You've been fired already."
"Believe me, that won't matter."
"Okay."
"Be selfish. Think of your baby. People tend to do stupid things, like hanging around in dark alleys and inviting people they don't know into their homes. I am not saying they are not worth saving, but if you have trouble deciding who should come first, remember that."
Even if Buffy couldn't quite admit it to herself yet, at least not consciously, she would make any sacrifice for her baby no matter what the consequences might be for herself, physically or psychologically. "I know that whatever I do will affect my baby. Other people can make choices that put them in danger or keep them safe. My baby can't. I am responsible for that. I do know that." Buffy sighed. "I guess I was just looking for absolution, but I won't get absolution for letting people die, right?"
"I'd give you absolution any day," Giles said. As a Watcher, he'd had to be infallible. And he wasn't proud of his days as Ripper. But for Buffy he would gladly go back to those days. He'd rather amass more crimes than let them rest on Buffy's shoulders. But in this case, Giles couldn't take the burden from her. He could just reassure her that she was doing the right thing. After he had lost Jenny, Buffy was the closest person he had left in his life. And he'd gladly sacrifice his integrity for her and her expanding family.
"I know self-sacrifice is seen as a virtue for a Slayer," Giles went on. "And I am mostly responsible for teaching you that. But I never considered a baby in that equation. Its existence is truly a miracle."
"Well, the Oracles wrote it off as reckless behavior."
"Reckless?" Giles asked, feigning ignorance and trying hard not to look amused.
"Well, you know…," Buffy said uncomfortably. "Oh, come on, even you British must have heard of… even the Oracles had…" She simply couldn't say the words sex or contraceptive in Giles' presence.
"I get it," Giles said with a smile.
Buffy looked at Giles scrutinizingly. "Are you making fun of me?"
"Humor is a well-known concept in Britain, you know. But no, I am not making fun of you. I was just trying to cheer you up a little bit, by means of distraction. To my shame I have to admit that it was of a rather juvenile nature. I apologize. That must have been a delayed reaction from my time as a high school librarian."
Buffy couldn't suppres a grin. "I appreciate the effort. But if I want stupid jokes – although yours was a rather good joke actually, you really got me," Buffy assured Giles quickly, "but if I want stupid jokes I can call Xander anytime. He probably even cracks them in his sleep."
"Of course. I wasn't trying to belittle your situation, not at all. I am aware that you are in a very difficult position. And when the first demons start finding out, I believe you will face far worse than just worrying about going out on patrol or not. But I am sure you and Angel will manage. You've always made a great team."
"Thanks, Giles." He was probably right, there was no easy way out, at least not for her. And this was only the beginning, she wasn't even showing.
"You are welcome."
"Well, I better get back. Angel tends to be a nervous wreck when I am not in his visual range or within hearing distance," Buffy said with a smirk.
"He needs time to get used to this as well, just like you."
"I know."
"It's only been a few days, Buffy. Give yourselves time."
"I am not sure that time is something we can afford."
TBC