Chapter 9 – Changing perspectives

Note:

This chapter will probably get a follow-up chapter pretty soon, before the next story (MSoV) gets an update. (I try to rotate the updates, if you haven't noticed by now.) Reviews would positively influence that development.

When Buffy got back to the mansion, Angel was already preparing dinner. He wasn't sure when Buffy had eaten the last time and wanted to be prepared in case she came back hungry.

"How was your talk with Giles?"

"Good."

"Good?" Angel asked, hoping she would be a little more forthcoming about what had happened at Giles'.

"That's what I said."

"So, it was a productive talk?" Angel asked carefully.

Buffy smiled about his attempt to be not too obviously nosy. "Anything specific you are curious about?"

"Are you mad at him?"

"No, I am not."

"You sure?"

"Angel…"

"Okay, I get it. It was a good talk."

"It was." Buffy hugged Angel and rested her head against his chest. "By the way, that smells really good." Buffy chuckled. "Good seems to be the word of the day."

"You hungry yet?"

"Yeah, actually I am."

"It'll be ready in another ten minutes or so."

Buffy sat down at the table. Angel watched her attentively. Her mood seemed to have improved. She was quiet for a long time, seeming to be deep in thought.

"We also talked about slaying," she said finally.

"And?"

"Giles also thinks I should let you do the slaying." Buffy looked expectantly at Angel, waiting for an I-told-you-so, but it never came. "What, no dance of joy?"

Angel sat down as well and took her hand. "Buffy, I do know that this is hard for you, going against what you have been taught and done almost every night for the last few years. I am aware that I haven't shown it very well, but I do understand this is difficult for you. I understand about duty. I myself feel very close and responsible for the people that come to my door for help. But I tend to forget about those things when it comes to you. In my mind, the rest of the world will simply have to take care of themselves for a few months. But that is just me. You are the Slayer. And that's not as easy to shed as my job. Right now, I only see myself as a soon-to-be-father. I'll probably never go back to working at AI, at least not full time. I know you can't just stop being the Slayer. You will always have that responsibility. You didn't have a choice. You had your powers forced upon you, powers that changed who you were irreversibly. For me, it's different. After getting my soul back, I wallowed in self-pity for almost a century. And then you came along. You gave my life purpose for the first time ever. But I was given a choice. Helping you became my whole purpose in life. And when that wasn't possible anymore, I needed a new purpose to keep me from wallowing in self-pity again. But now I've been given the opportunity to be there for you and our baby. And I don't really feel bad about letting the others take over AI because I always kinda felt like a hypocrite anyway."

"A hypocrite? You are not a hypocrite!" Buffy said aghast. How could he think of himself like that?

Angel gave Buffy a pained smile. "Sure, yeah, I am trying to atone for my sins. But it will never be enough. I was pretending to be someone I am not. I was lying to myself, trying to believe that my doing something good would make a difference."

"You are making a difference, a big difference," Buffy objected vehemently.

"Let's face it, I killed for more than a century. Even if I help people for even longer than that, I can never make it undone."

"Oh, Angel."

"It's okay. I can live with that. All I am trying to say is that looking out for you and our baby is my primary responsibility now. I feel like that is my true purpose. I don't have to pretend with you. You know who I am. Do you think anybody would ask for my help if they knew what I have done? I am not saying that I don't like my job. I do like helping people. But I never felt quite worthy of helping them, coming to their aid as the hero, because I am not a hero."

Buffy gently stroked his cheek, not knowing what else to do to make him feel better.

"And I understand your concern about people getting killed while you are pregnant. But it's not your fault. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty because you can't slay. I'll do my best to help out, to take over for you. I'll do double the time you usually go on patrol, if there's the slightest chance that it will make you feel more at ease. You are not alone anymore. You don't have to fight your battles alone anymore. We are in this together. And we'll make it through this together."

Buffy was very moved by Angel's words. And he was right, she was used to fighting on her own. And she knew she couldn't handle this alone. But if she couldn't protect other people, could she protect her own baby from harm? Buffy also hated the thought of Angel putting himself in danger because of her. She knew he could fight. It was irrational, but she couldn't help worrying. What if he was preoccupied with worrying about the baby while being on patrol? She couldn't lose him, not again.

"Hey, don't cry," Angel said.

Buffy hadn't even realized that she was crying. "Damn, I don't know why I am crying," she said embarrassed and quickly brushed the tears away. "I am so sick of crying. I hate those hormones."

"I love those hormones," Angel said tenderly.

"You are kidding, right? This has to be the most unattractive thing ever."

"Without those hormones there'd be no baby," Angel said with a smile.

Buffy smiled back at him, glad that at least one of them was still able to see things in perspective. "I love you."

"And I love you."

Angel was about to get up, but Buffy grabbed his hand and added, "And you are a hero. You are my hero, our hero."

That was all Angel ever wanted to be. He placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "Come on, let's get you two something to eat."

After dinner, Buffy got herself a large glass of water and put several boxes on the table.

"What's that?" Angel asked.

"Pills."

"I can see that. What are they for?"

"The baby."

"What? You said the baby was alright," Angel said accusingly.

"The baby is alright. That is part of a pregnant woman's diet."

"What? Buffy, is this a joke? Please, I love your humor - even if I don't get it all the time - but can we please not make any jokes when it concerns our baby?"

"I am not joking. Those are supplements and vitamins and… stuff."

"Supplements? What would you need supplements for? I cook healthy."

"I know you do. And it's delicious as well. You get extra points for that." Buffy grinned seductively. "You can exchange those points for smoochies, if you want."

"I don't trust those pills, Buffy. We don't really know what is in them or who made them or where they come from. They look all the same. How can that be healthy?"

"The what, the who and the where is on the box."

"So? What about all those scandals about pharmaceutical companies."

"Hey, I am not crazy about this stuff either."

"My mother never took things like that and I was a strong and healthy baby, so was my sister, so was everybody else in our town. Modern society is obsessed with pills."

"Said the guy who begged to get a cell phone," Buffy teased.

"Buffy, I am serious. I want you to eat right."

"You know that our groceries today are just as contaminated?"

"At least with them I can judge them by how fresh they look and how they smell. Do I have to remind you that I have a better sense of smell than your average groceries customer?"

"I do remember. And I don't disagree with you about these pills at all. I hate them. And they are so huge that I can hardly swallow them. And they taste disgusting. But do I have to remind you that you wanted me to enjoy all the luxuries of twentieth century pregnancies? That includes pills." Buffy looked at the pills and scrunched her nose in disgust. "Big pills."

"You are not taking them." Angel took the boxes and put them away.

Buffy didn't object. She had been of the opinion that women had given birth to healthy babies for centuries. Had they not, the human race would have been extinct by now. Okay, maybe she simply hated pills and anything that would remind her of hospitals or doctors. But she had been given a clean bill of health by her doctor and her powers were protecting the baby additionally.

"And the next time you have an appointment with your doctor, I am coming with you and I am gonna have a word with her," Angel said.

"Sure, I'd like that."

"I would have come with you the first time."

"I know."

"Why don't you lie down for a while?" Angel suggested.

"I think I am going straight to bed. I am really tired."

"Do that. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"

"Sure."

"Then I'll do a quick patrol."

"Thanks." It took Buffy quite some self-control to say that graciously and not whine about not being able to go with him. "Please, be careful."

"Don't worry, I will."

Over the next few days, Angel bought several pregnancy books and numerous books on nutrition. He even asked Willow to print out some nutrition tables from the internet. When he wasn't poring over those, he was either on patrol or making sure that Buffy had everything she needed. He made sure that Buffy had nothing to worry about and could relax until she felt more at ease in her new role as an expectant mother. He had read that first-time mothers might feel overwhelmed by their upcoming responsibilities. He tried to keep everything that might upset Buffy away from her and made sure she got enough sleep. Angel wanted her to be able to enjoy and focus on the pregnancy.

Since Angel knew that Buffy wasn't much into reading, he told her everything he read in the books so that she would know exactly what was going on with her body. They made a daily ritual out of it, lying huddled up on the couch or on the bed. Angel told her whatever he had learned that day and Buffy asked questions. He left out the worst-case scenarios though. He himself had read them at least twice to make sure he would be able to distinguish between common symptoms accompanying a pregnancy and the alarming ones.

Buffy had officially dropped out of college. She had already missed too many classes to make up for them easily. And she wasn't really able to concentrate on studying anyway. Angel was rather glad about this development, because he had no way of looking out for her at college. And he simply didn't want her to be stressed out over something like studying. They had enough other things – more important things - to deal with.

Joyce and Buffy had talked, but Buffy didn't feel quite ready to forgive her completely. She hated arguing with her mother, but she felt that her mother still didn't understand the impact Angel's leaving had had on her life. Her mother hadn't been in favor of Buffy's plans to drop out of college either. She was of the opinion that Buffy had enough time to finish the semester at least and then take off the next. But after their last argument Joyce was afraid to strain the relationship with her daughter even more, so she simply kept quiet.

A few weeks later, Buffy's morning weakness seemed to finally lessen a bit. But now she was always tired instead.

It was early evening. Buffy had just woken up after having taken a nap. She went in search of Angel and found him in the kitchen.

"Hey, you feeling better?" he asked.

"Yeah, a lot."

Angel kissed her. "Good. Want something to eat?"

"You are making me fat."

"No, I am just feeding two people." He stroked her stomach tenderly.

Buffy suddenly felt dizzy and had to hold on to the table. She closed her eyes and willed the dizzy spell to go away, but it didn't. It got only worse.

"What's wrong?" Angel asked and touched her shoulder. But Buffy didn't answer. She fainted and fell against him. He caught her and carried her back to the bedroom.

"Buffy, wake up." Angel stroked her hand and checked her forehead for a temperature. "Buffy, please wake up."

When Faith woke up, she was lying on a big bed. Angel was sitting next to her, holding her hand and looking worriedly at her.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Angel," Faith said surprised. What was he doing here? Shouldn't he be dead? This certainly hadn't been part of her plan. But she was indeed in Buffy's body. Maybe she should have done a bit more recon before executing the switch. But she had never been big on making plans or thinking them through thoroughly. Well, it was too late now anyway. She'd deal. She always did. And this unexpected situation actually had a lot of potential.

"Buffy, are you okay?" Angel asked concerned.

"Um… yeah… I'm fine."

"You fainted."

"I did?"

"Yeah. You had me worried."

"It's all still a bit fuzzy." God, she felt strange in this body. Was Buffy ill? She didn't seem to be hurt, but she felt really strange, a bit like she had the flu. What exactly had she gotten herself into? She seemed to be at the mansion. And Angel was the last person she had expected to see. Faith was wary of his preternatural strengths. Maybe he could smell or sense the difference. Even if not, Buffy and Angel had always had a certain connection that went beyond words. She had to be extra cautious around him.

Angel went on, "Maybe you didn't eat enough earlier. I'll get you something."

"Um, no, no, I'll be fine. I just need some fresh air, I think." She had to get out of there, away from Angel, at least for now. Faith quickly got off the bed but didn't get far. Her legs were wobbly and she felt weak. She had no strength and would have fallen down had Angel not caught her.

"Buffy, you are not getting better. This is definitely getting worse, a lot worse than normal. I think we should get you checked out at the hospital."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine in a bit." Faith had just come from there and didn't plan on going back. She had spent way too much time there already.

"Please, Buffy, I know how much you hate hospitals. But, please, think of the baby."

"Baby?"

TBC